Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Diamonds to divorce: a whirlwind 2 year relationship

“Falling in love can seem like a foolish decision.  It brings ecstasy, excitement, anguish and heartache.  And once over, some people go and do it all again.”
                 

Many people will have seen the scenario I’m about to explain at least once in their lives, but I doubt many of us have dug deep to find reasons to how and why it happened, and justifications for inevitable endings.  Who was at fault, was it a breakdown waiting to happen, and could one of them have turned the lights off before the other was electrocuted?

I’m talking here about a whirlwind romance: a romance that traveled too fast, too soon, and over too short a distance.  The kind of relationship where they both didn’t truly know each other well enough, but just got caught up in their own interests.  Unfortunately, unlike the impending big day itself, their interests were not of common motivation, and consequently didn’t marry up.  Yes, we’re talking about the innocent, inexperienced, average looking nice guy, and his well known, sexually experienced, attractive girlfriend.


Stage one: Her background

Bunny is an attractive, well known 21 year old woman from a working class village.  Her heart is in the right place, even if she does lack a little in intellect, intelligence and everyday knowledge of reality.  It’s not necessarily her fault.  Her parents held onto modest jobs, they made ends meet to pay the rent on their council house, and just wanted the best for their five children within their limited potential.  Bunny was no different, and she worked in a supermarket five days a week and in the local public house on nights if they had an event on.  Bunny just wanted to be loved by a man, at least that’s what she thought she desired, but no matter how hard she tried not to, she always ended up in the arms of the wrong type of man from up the road.  Once he had ditched her through boredom, she was moonlighting with his friend within a week.  Bunny knew her strengths - her looks.  She always thought that by giving her body to a man he would appreciate her and look after her.  Bunny wasn’t depressed with her life, but she did have occasional nights when she would cry herself to sleep.


Stage two: His background

Ben lives in a middle class village, approximately three miles from where Bunny resides.  He is a 24 year old man who is 3 years into a progressing career in law, after graduating from University.  He still lives with his parents, but he has saved enough money to place a deposit on a house, which he is looking to do so in the next month.  Whilst Ben is an intellectual, intelligent and knowledgeable young man, his experience of life, despite three years away at University, is low.  He’s not the most confident of guys, and he is a natural follower to his more out-going peers.  He’s had a couple of short term girlfriends, predictably the sweet, plain and smart types.  He liked them both, but in each case it just ran its course.  Ben dreams of that girl who captures his heart, who is loyal, faithful and pure to him.  By his own admission, he’s not objectively the best looking guy, but neither is he ugly.  He’s simply a run of the mill person, with a warm heart and genuine personality.


Stage three: How they met

By total coincidence, Bunny and Ben have friends who are dating.  One night they arrange for a casual get together for around twenty friends.  Bunny and Ben both attend, alone, and are quickly introduced.  Ben is blown away by Bunny’s looks, and despite his beta mannerisms, she kind of finds this cute in him.  At the end of the day, he is different to the typical jerks she is accustomed to meeting in her village.  She isn’t infatuated by him, but realizes he is a good listener despite his obvious excitement, and she starts to tell him about her bad luck with men.  Whilst curious in a negative way, Ben just says the words of “you just haven’t found the right man for you yet”.

Bunny is convinced he is right, and Ben further reinforces her view of this by continuously buying her drinks and producing stories of other women he knew at University who cried on his shoulder due to their poor choices in young men.  This is the forgivable problem a beta male has - he makes the mistake of false belief this is bad luck on her part, or a coincidence, and fails to even contemplate the fundamental reasons for her falling for these kinds of guys.  He is adamant in his mind that he is a cut above them all, and that she will find him special and unique. To an extent she will, but not in a positive, viscerally orientated way.  Anyway, they arrange to meet up for a drink two nights later.


Stage four: Crash course engagement

The dates in the first couple of weeks go well.  They are different people, but there is a complex case of mutual needs.  He is knocked aside by being with someone way above his own looks standard, and she is smitten by the way he treats her.  She’s also by now become aware of his earnings potential and property intentions.  When they take the next step, she isn’t repulsed by his naked body, but she is aware of the lack of physical chemistry she feels, especially compared to her ex-boyfriends.  Needless to say, he ejaculates quickly in the early sexual encounters.  However, he does improve over time.  After three months, they go for a meal to celebrate his promotion.  With the exception of the odd drink, he has paid for everything so far in the dating period.  He thinks nothing of this as he is just enjoying the ride, both literally and metaphorically.  His emotions are sky high, he’s a little bit tipsy, and at the end of the night a diamond ring comes out.  This gesture is closely followed by: “Bunny, I love you, and I want to marry you.”
She feels a little ambushed, but she loves the way he makes her feel, even if she doesn’t actually love him.
“Err, err, oh, yes.”
Ben is on cloud nine, and such is his ecstatic emotions, he hasn’t even wondered why she has never repaid the words back.  From Bunny’s perspective, the way he makes her feel, and the way she feels about herself, far outweigh her half-hearted emotions about him.  She just believes marriage and security naturally changes all this.


Stage five: Wedding day

Nine months later (twelve months into the relationship), it is the big day.  Because of the planning, invitations, hope and excitement that go with this, Bunny hasn’t consciously thought about anything beyond this day.  From his point of view everything is just perfect.  His belief is this: he loves her, she loves him, he’s the luckiest man alive, and they will spend eternity together.  Even other attractive women at the wedding venue do not turn his head, or even his thoughts.  He knows she is way above his league in physical attractiveness terms, but he continues with the belief that his personality and caring ways are what makes her want to be with him.  The same cannot be said for her.  She sees some of her friends with alpha male partners, and she cannot help but wonder and visualize herself being owned by one of these men.  But the contemplation is brief, as all the attention today is on the blushing bride.  It’s her big day and nothing will stand in her way.


Stage six: Post wedding blues

So the happiest day of their lives has come and gone.  Now it’s all “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part” to abide by for both of them.  All the buildup, anticipation and expensive honeymoon are things of the past.  All that lasts are the photographs of her beautiful portrait overlooking the sunrise, with this ordinary guy alongside her.  There’s obviously still momentum from this great time in her life, but quite literally the honeymoon period is over.  If this relationship is to be compared to a marathon, then she needs a second wind.  Thoughts of spending the rest of her life with this man now become a reality.  It doesn’t take long for every day to seem a little harder than the last one to get through.  Every better looking guy she sees becomes a little more tempting than the last one.  Every little wrong move he makes is now a bigger deal than it used to be.  Simply put, she has realized she has made a big mistake.  Sure, there is financial security there, something any young woman from her village could only dream of, but this is no consolation when she has to wake up next to a husband she doesn’t love.  He is a husband she never loved - at least not in the way a woman should love her husband.  Ben is picking up on Bunny’s frustrations, but he puts the wool over his eyes and fingers over his ears.  He whispers to the voice within: “she’s just tired, right?  Every marriage goes through this?”  He notices her taking up more invitations to meet up with her friends.  Remember, he is a beta male at heart, with hope and optimism blinding his natural jealousy, possessiveness and supplication.  He thinks her friends are a bad influence.  They probably are, but in truth he needs to find the root problems before blaming them.  Then on one particular night out, her typical ghost from the past type of man approaches her.  She sleeps with him that night, and wakes up in guilt, but also in realization that she cannot go back to the life she now lives.


Stage 7: The end

The saddest part to all this, and my view is drawn from nothing more sinister than honest and genuine sympathy, is that most men in this situation fail to even realize the woman they are with is unhappy, that she is cheating, or she is tempted elsewhere.  Such is their obliviousness, and often lack of knowledge of women generally, that they live off blind faith or they refuse to face the truth.  Women don’t get pleasure out of cheating.  They just desire happiness in the same way men do.  Women actually sustain far more guilt than men do from carrying out acts of infidelity.  But women, if unchallenged or insignificantly aroused through an innate level of chemistry from the first meeting, are more likely to give up on the relationship and consequently fall out of love.  That is if they were ever in true love in the first place.  It’s a classic case of acting before finding reason.  I guess, as humans, this is what keeps us alive.


Lessons learnt

Her
With all this said, most women in Bunny’s position would do the same if given the chance.  They would even do it all over again, but hope the next guy races her impulses more than the last one.  But here lies the issue.  If a man doesn’t hit her emotional buttons early on, it isn’t going to ever happen.  Chemistry isn’t something that you wake up with out of the blue.  Nevertheless, who can blame a woman in looking for financial security?  It’s simply always the problem of the lack of emotion in the first place.  But then, in contrast, the jerks of the world aren’t sustainable for the long term, and if a woman does want to settle down she is juggling one of life’s balancing acts.  There are men that strike the balance, but they are rare and hard to locate, and they also can intimidate women who possess high levels of insecurity.  In Bunny’s case, where her only real sexual market value metric is her physical attractiveness, she would be a classic example in being intimidated of a man with both intelligence and good looks.  So she gambles on an act of God making her happy with a nice guy like Ben.

Him
Men can act on emotion and impulses every bit as women can.  Men may have more of the responsibility to make the patient and logical decisions in life, but I’ve seen hundreds of men act without pragmatism when their heart starts racing.  It’s as if they need to make life shattering moves like proposals and weddings in order to keep her by his side.  Love is a powerful tool, and when a guy like Ben finds himself with an attractive girl like Bunny, his logical brain is eradicated.  Basically, his decisions are ruled by his penis despite the inner voice informing him of more productive paths to take.  His biggest mistake in the whole scheme of things goes back to his lack of knowledge of a woman like this.  If a woman tells a man she has dated bad boys in the past, he needs to understand her reasons behind this from the foundation stage.  He cannot allow himself to think that she has searched the world for a typical beta male to treat her like an angel, only to never track one down.  There are at least six nice guys for every bad boy out there, so a woman’s adamant claim that most men are jerks does not add up.  A guy like Ben needed to act more challenging, he needed to have his own life, and he should have illustrated ways that she is worthy of him and not the other way around.  I feel for these guys, as these are the ones who should have the most luck with women.  If I had my way, every man like Ben would end up happy, irrespective to the kind of woman they choose to take to the altar. 


Nice guys who gave everything to their girlfriends, fianc├ęs and wives, only to be hurt for undue reasons, have my deepest sympathies and good will.  It can be an easy mistake for these genuine men to think they are the only person in the world who has been treated this way.  As men do not go to great lengths in talking about their feelings to other men, there isn’t an abundance of reassurance available to confirm these happenings are a trend rather than the exception.  However, I hold absolutely no pity for men who pick up on books, material or information on the subject of female emotional psychology, only to ignore it and carry on regardless in hope the next woman will be different and appreciative of their good ways all the time. 

There are some women who honestly and genuinely do desire to be with the perennial nice guy, but these females sit in the minority.  Women of all kinds have a need for intensity and drama in their lives.  Some need it more than others.  The unfortunate circumstance is that the more physically attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to play the role of treating nice guys badly and chasing after jerks.  This isn’t to say less beautiful females in visual terms are immune to these deliverables.  If an average looking man finds himself with an above average looking woman, he is almost as susceptible.  Although less likely and less extreme in kind, even an average looking woman can manipulate a good looking man if he isn’t prudent with his interaction strategy, or he consequently educates his methods to form inept decisions.

Any man who doubts this philosophy and these common occurrences is vulnerable to a lifetime of heartache and stress.  If this isn’t enough of an incentive, he should live in the knowledge that his extreme “nice guy” habits are making women he is in relationships with actually less happy in the long run. 

But when all is said and done, a man has 3 choices: 
  • He can downgrade from his usual female physical attractiveness predilection scale – that for a man is predominantly at least on his own level, but usually higher – and know that less interaction strategy is required due to being with women who, in theory, have less options in the sexual market and are grateful to be with him. 
  • He can live in hope that the low odds play in his favour and he finally tracks down a woman who fully accepts, and prefers, a man to be likeable and passive all the time.
  • He accepts the painful truth, and he adapts to the reality that exists in the western sexual market culture.

8 comments:

  1. Hi Vi Nay
    I read some of your posts on Krauser's blog and followed a link to your own site. I have found your posts very interesting and have been trawling through your archive for the past couple of weeks. This particular post brings to mind my own situation somewhat. I wonder if you could help me with a personal question I have? If so, great, if not, I understand you have better things to be doing.
    I'm 43 and recently split up with my girlfriend after a 17-year LTR and 3 kids. I would surmise most of the relationship as, ultimately, just paddling water.
    We first met when I was 22, she 21, and re-started going out when I moved to her hometown a few years later. She then got a job abroad and I followed her. After 2 years, she fell pregnant with our first kid. We had been having unprotected sex but this was an 'accident' (at least, I thought it was) and we agonised about an abortion before deciding to keep the child. In hindsight, she led this discussion and I was happy to agree with her decision. She was 29 when our eldest child was born, by which time we had been living together 3 years.
    Sex dried up while she was pregnant and continued at a rate of once every two months (or less) on average for the rest of our entire relationship. Since she got pregnant for the first time, she was totally passive during sex and always put roadblocks in the way or made me hurry up. I'm a nice guy who rarely loses my temper and did what I could to share the burden of running a home and family. Regardless, whatever I did was never enough, in her opinion. Based on all my manosphere reading over the last year and a half or so, I obviously never controlled the frame of the relationship, and I was frequently passive as I thought letting her have her own way would make life easier.
    With the birth of our eldest, she opened the door to her family, whom she is very close to and whom I initially got on very well with. But it was as if they had been waiting for kids to arrive. This destroyed my relationship with them as they knew that I wasn't happy with their too frequent, overlong visits, where they took over the house and did as they pleased, which I had made clear to my ex- were unacceptable. Later, they stopped visiting so much because of me, something my ex- resented me greatly for.
    We had a 2nd son in 2006, my wish, and then a daughter 3 years ago (she got pregnant first time at 39 – I am considering having a dna test performed on my daughter), which I agreed to have because my ex- wanted a last child before her ovaries dried up and I wanted her to be happy. I agreed to this because I always felt that things would get better, and that our family would stay together.
    As time went by, it became more and more obvious that she had no respect for me. Over the years, she appreciated nothing I did, said every now and then that she couldn't imagine us getting old together, etc. We slept apart at her instigation as I made too much noise in my sleep. At the start of 2013, she asked for both of us to make a go of things and we began to (briefly) have sex more often and it was exciting for a change (although visibly enjoying herself, she later denied she had liked this sex). Unfortunately she got pneumonia shortly afterwards and was in bed for a couple of weeks with me, uncomplainingly, doing everything to keep the house running, kids happy, and minding my own job. She asked for her mother to come, who is obese and in bad health herself. I was still doing most things but was told by my ex- that her mother had saved us all from going under and we had a blazing row, which was the beginning of the end.
    (ctd. in next comment)

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  2. (ctd. from before)
    Sex disappeared, we went for counselling where she came off worst in discussions we had with a counsellor so she found another one and went by herself. By this time, I had read that counselling is only good for giving women justification for their own actions so I could see the writing on the wall. Finally, late last year, she said she'd "had enough" and we agreed to split, well, I gave her what she wanted because I was sick of her and our shitty relationship. We had sex, as it turned out, one last time, which she surprisingly enjoyed. In the afterglow, I asked her some questions where she mentioned rough sex she’d enjoyed with a former lover and agreed that, initially, our sex life was good too but quickly died, as I mentioned (although she didn’t remember it dying as quickly).
    Btw, I was basically a virgin when we met whereas she had had 6 or 7 lovers. She was pretty, but over the last couple of years has mentioned herself how haggard she is becoming. I have discovered that she is emotionally besotted with a former work colleague who is older, has 5 kids, and lives with his wife in another part of the country we live in. I am chubby, but would rate myself as above-average in looks and attract plenty of IOIs from the young, attractive women I work with. Part of this is to do with my strong sense of humour where I tease/neg women and which they love. I have also found a lover since my break-up who told me that I was very charming and that I seduced her. I guess I am learning to be less of a chode.
    Wages-wise, I usually earned a bit more than my ex- although she was always short of money and frequently asked/checked if I was contributing my fair share to our common accounts. We were both university educated although she had a doctorate in her chosen subject, something I never had an issue with as I always considered myself better informed, more intelligent and more socially confident.
    During the breakup, until I found a place of my own to live, I had to endure 4 or so months of following a break-up template she obviously had been planning for ages, her losing her temper with me constantly, threatening to take the kids off me and with getting me legally evicted from my own home, bringing lawyers into negotiations. As usual, I kept my cool, knowing that arguing with her would be useless (she always won our arguments, then again almost always started them and then would wish aloud that we wouldn’t argue) and not wanting to affect the kids any more than already was the case.
    I finally moved into my new flat at the beginning of March. I can feel that the end of a 17-year LTR is quite heavy, emotionally, but it’s also a great relief and I see my kids every other week for 6 days, something I had to fight for but which I am happy with.
    I hope I’m not being too longwinded nor coming off as an asshole – I’m just trying to be even-handed in my assessment of things and rational discussion with my ex- was an impossibility.
    Essentially, I have two questions:
    • Who is to blame for the relationship failing? Is it me for being a naive fool/average nice guy who knew nothing about steering a relationship, or her for being a devious, manipulative shrew who got what she wanted but couldn’t be pleased?
    • Are LTRs possible without having to 100% game all the time? I look around and see couples who are bored with each other but stay together for their childrens’ sake. This is noble, to my mind – after all, it’s what I wanted – but don’t the vast majority of people grow apart and end their days with the woman in control and little or no sex in the relationship? I have more tools now and am aware of having to steer a woman but find this situation that most relationships seem to end in profoundly depressing and am wondering if I can be bothered trying to have an LTR again.
    Thanks for your time, Kells

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    Replies
    1. Kells,

      Although you cover a lifetime relationship in its entirety, this kind of story has been seen in front of my eyes many times before. There are various aspects of advice I could give you, but the bottom line of it is you are where you are right now. Besides, I’m a great believer in being excited about the future and learning from the past. You seem, despite your obvious mistakes, to be in a good place mentally.

      I’ll take both questions in turn:

      • Who is to blame for the relationship failing? Is it me for being a naive fool/average nice guy who knew nothing about steering a relationship, or her for being a devious, manipulative shrew who got what she wanted but couldn’t be pleased?

      Ultimately, you are both to blame. Although you may not want to hear this, she will have contrived the first pregnancy. A high percentage of women in their mid 20s start to see friendship networks dwindle, they see their friends settling down, and they feel the need to project self-value and self-importance onto the watching world due to fragmenting attention aligned to their declining beauty. As a decent catch, she would have put you down as a good provider for her life plan. When it happens, and if you cannot trust a woman, you needed to be on guard from that day on. I would have given her a chance to prove to you she could develop into a better person and a good mother, but as soon as it was clear she couldn’t change then you should have moved on. The kid would have been no better off in an unhappy household. Even if the purest claim is that an unhappy two-parent family benefits the upbringing of children’s welfare, the bitter memories formed from separate bedrooms, arguments, abusive behaviour, lies, hatred, brainwashing, adultery, emotional despair and inevitable parting of ways will manifest to haunt the child throughout adult life. I can tell you this from first-hand experience.

      She was never going to change, because once the novelty of showing the baby to the world wears off, she would start to resent you for holding her back in life. She would further resent you because once a mother, her options with other men (for LTRs at least) would be far more limited in comparison to pre motherhood. This would explain why the two of you went on to birth two more children. As an unmarried father, your options in the sexual market as a single guy would not have resulted in considerable negative results, and conceivably this parentage status could have assisted you.



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    2. • Are LTRs possible without having to 100% game all the time? I look around and see couples who are bored with each other but stay together for their childrens’ sake. This is noble, to my mind – after all, it’s what I wanted – but don’t the vast majority of people grow apart and end their days with the woman in control and little or no sex in the relationship?

      It all depends on the level of game a person requires. The rule of thumb is: “the hotter the girl, the bigger the game”, but this isn’t absolute. I know of a few cute “homely girls” who appear to be happy with a loving and giving male partner. But a man has no choice but to go with the normal sequence of events, and yes, game (aka psychological common sense strategy) will be necessitated with most women. This is all the more pertinent for men who are alongside more physically attractive women. Basically, the mindset a man should have is to start with firm game, and only loosen the grip when she has given reason due to what she has done, and not what she claims to do. Personally, I never fully trust a woman for as long as the relationship lasts.

      The sad truth to women being in control is that children, and mainly marriage, offer the female gender this passage in a relationship. A woman positively feeds off a man who puts his foot down, acts selfishly (to a point), shows a lack of primary consideration to her in life, and is not living in trepidation of emotional or financial consequences if the two of them go their separate ways. Women love men who they are never in full control of. Once kids and marriage are in place, a man relinquishes much of that luxury due to the knowledge he has far more to lose if it doesn’t work out. Women know this, their egos take over from the thoughts of what they most desire in men, and they increase all the provocation, manipulation and lies that are in their innate characters anyway. Simply put, the modern world in western society offers women a route to not be worse off (they are usually better off) than before she met him, and for men to be worse off if they split up. If there is a financial imbalance when they meet, and marriage is an empathetic motivation, any man with two brain cells to his armoury should have a pre-nuptial in place. The lack of sex as you mention is also a by-product of all as explained.


      If any of this sounds harsh then I make no apology. It’s all about moving forwards with optimism from here on in, and you seem like a person who is prepared to take the proverbial high road. That’s the beauty of life – rarely is it too late to make amends and put the wrongs right.

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    3. Thanks very much for your reply, Vi Nay - I appreciate it. What drives me mad is that it's a gigantic societal secret, the way women are and how cynical they are about manipulating men. At least my eyes are open now and I can pass on advice to my kids when they are older.
      All the best and keep up the excellent writing, Kells

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  3. Hello Vi Nay,

    I have really enjoyed your post, the story about Bunny and Ben is definitely fantastic ! You said : « If a man doesn't hit her emotional buttons early on, it isn't going to ever happen. Chemistry isn't something that you wake up with out of the blue.». I agree with these words but as you know a woman or girl can't get any chemistry with beta male because a beta male looks unattractive, his obvious lack of confident, his betattitude (beta manners) are immediately detected by the girl he tempt to approach. As you said a girl will only say yes to a beta male if she doesn't get the attention she desires with an attractive alpha male around her. My question is : You seems to say that a girl get chemistry only with an attractive man = alpha, on other side the chemistry in a natural feeling no one can't create it, so : HOW a beta male can hit a girl emotional buttons early ? For me, a beta male will always suffer until he gets conscience that his manner to value a good looking girl immediately high value than him will make him unhappy and treated like shit in the future. Without acting like alpha is impossible for a beta to hit a girl emotional buttons early. What do you think about that ?

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    Replies
    1. If a beta male insists or persists in staying beta, or he refuses to change even with knowledge to how the world and women work, he will forever make the same mistakes and sustain the failures and rejections that accompany this choice of character. Enough said...

      The way a beta can enhance not just his fortunes with women, but life generally too, is as follows:
      1) Put on some muscle. Not in a beefcake way, but enough to stand out above the average guy. This more dominant body will cloud some of his average facial blessings, and make women find him more instinctively attractive.
      2) Dress more stylish and unique. Similar to the body frame, women's eyes will project more easily onto him as opposed to the invisibility he once attained.
      3)Get involved with a social proof group, no matter how local to the environment this is. Even a beta male, looking, acting and dressing in exactly the same way as always, will attract women far easier when he belongs to a "popular" group. Women, especially young women, love male social status, and hanging out in a well known gathering will not only open many more opportunities with women, but it will make him far more appealing.
      4) Treat women like crap. An extreme view I know, but far more advantageous than treating her like a princess.
      5) If 4) brings about too much contrition, at least develop a mindset of "women are easily replaceable." This adapts a far more efficient attitude onto women and life, and the female mind and sexual organs are uncontrollably attracted to it.
      6) Positive body language and confidence. Portray this. It is far easier to learn and adapt non-verbal demeanour than to become a natural verbal executor (if it doesn't come naturally to you). Remember that women, and people generally, notice body language and tone way above the content of words. Use it in the right ratio.
      7) Finally, force it upon yourself to think like nobody is watching you. Rejection, failure, shortcomings, and trepidation of how people respond to you would almost entirely be erased if you were the only person in the environment when acting out the relevant moves.

      But perhaps over and above all the aforementioned, make it a purpose in your life to remember this one phrase:

      "What's the worst that can happen?"

      When you put that to yourself each and every time, and you realize the worst is never as bad as the immediate mind allows you to think, the enrichment this mindset manifests cannot be underestimated.

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  4. Thank you for your response , there are good ideas in. I really appreciate how you talk about interaction between men and women.

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