People fail to understand the female emotional mind

 

“If everyone followed their own advice, the world would belong to far fewer hypocrites.”

  

This question from a post I came across made me chuckle somewhat: 

“My fiance got his co-worker pregnant. Our wedding is in 2 months and everything’s paid for. He says he still loves me and that he made a mistake. What should I do? What would you do?”

It did not amuse me because of the situation may I add, as the woman has my sincere sympathies, but it was more to do with the question per se, and the subsequent predictable counselling that was returned to her.

Taking the latter first, the comments are as you would expect.  I skimmed down a number of them, and the response theme, from both other women and men, is that she should not stay with him, irrespective of the set of circumstances.

Even if clear and simple, and at the risk of sounding obvious, this is the logical and correct advice.  As many of the commenters directly said or alluded to, a mistake is speeding in a car, putting on the wrong socks, taking a piss in a public area you thought was hidden because your bladder was exploding.  A mistake is not committing infidelity.  Infidelity in terms of consented sex is predetermined, no matter how much under the influx of alcohol or drugs you may be.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                              Women and men are very prompt and direct in condemning infidelity.  Usually, it is because they are not desired enough by the opposite sex to cheat themselves, and other times they are bitter and jealous because they are not able to do so. 

Even as someone who has never cheated himself, I never take a condemner’s words seriously when they speak about adultery unless I know them personally.  This is because it is easy to criticize a person when you have never been in that position yourself.  If you have been in that position, and you have made the wiser choice than the one you condemn was incapable of doing, then conversely, I am all ears to the words you speak.

The woman’s question examined

With my knowledge of female emotional psychology, the question is also predicable in terms of knowing what she wants to do, and most likely, what she will do (or did).  In case you have not worked out my cynicism at this point, I would place a fair bet on the likelihood she did, even after all this, stay with him.

The first giveaway is the question itself.  Any person with an ounce of pride and common sense would not need to ask even one person what he/she should do, or what another (hence, the person you are asking) would do.  Your pride and common sense alone should look at a person who has cheated on you with disgust, and after the heartache has eased and tears have dried, see it as a lucky escape.

Whilst acknowledging this being a poor comparison, for a moment I put myself in her shoes.  If I found out a woman cheated on me two months before our wedding, and she got herself pregnant to the dude, even if I poured every penny I ever earned into the wedding day, credit cards and debt to accompany, I would not even need to contemplate for a single second in staying with her.  I could never look at her in the eye without repulsiveness.  I could never like her as a person again.  I would never hold an ounce of respect towards her from that day on.  And, even if not feasible there and then, I would most certainly fall out of love with her as the days tick by.

The woman’s thought-process

Nevertheless, women, and especially a woman in her position, do not act with logic.  I offer some reasons to why this is the case:

·       There is a good chance the man she is with is relatively, maybe even highly, sought after in the eyes of other women.  As clear-cut as this may seem, it is no coincidence that the higher a man’s attraction towards other women, the more likely he is to cheat.  Equally, the lower a man’s appeal to other women, the less likely he is to be caught with his pants down.

·       With the above explanation in mind, the woman who has been cheated on may think she will never secure a better man than her fiancé.  As has been explained in the past on this blog, a woman will usually opt for a sought after but unfaithful man, over and above a less desirable but faithful man.

·       In conjunction with both the above points, there is a fair chance the woman is in her mid/late twenties to early thirties (based on the usual marrying female age).  Even after her fiance’s misdemeanours, she may feel time is not in her favour to start again and find a suitable male partner.  It is almost like spending years climbing to the top of a mountain, falling down, and realizing it will take even longer to climb back up.  Time is nobody’s friend, but it is much harsher on women (than men) in the thought-process of having to start again.

·       Even as little girls, a female mind is channelled to dream and fantasize about her wedding day.  Especially in this day and age, the numbers of men who will propose to a woman (or more to the point, men who can offer women the dream wedding) are dwindling year on year.  With this considered, many women, even women who have been cheated on and found out their male partner has got another woman pregnant, will hold a motivation for a self-exposing and attention-seeking day that overpowers the ill feeling his actions have caused. 

·       As illustrated in this previous post, the way the female emotional mind works is to be more attracted to a man when he attains preselection proof.  Even after all this, the woman in the centre of this predicament will find her cheating fiancé more sexually attractive than before she found out.  The very strong and sensible women will walk away due to what he has done, but let us be honest, strong and sensible women are extremely rare in percentage terms.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                      No matter how hurt her pride, ego and heart is, a woman will still usually make a decision based on how much she has to gain.  This is a simple reason why so many women stay with men who have breached their trust.

A final thought

For all the wise and accurate words this woman received, I did not see one comment which dissected her decision like I have done in this post.  This is not any attempt to blow my own trumpet.  This is to emphasize how people, and especially men, appear to have no clue to why women make the decisions and choices they make.  Women are more clued up than men in their comprehension (after all, they are women!), but they do not take fondly to being exposed for how they emotionally think, and consequently act out.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                         It is in a woman’s interest for men to lack conscious knowledge of how the female mind works in both emotional and psychological ways.  For as long as this is the case, they can sustain the life of taking a man for a fool, and him being none the wiser.

In essence, giving advice is easy.  What is a far harder task is understanding how people think in psychological respects, and subsequently offering guidance based on understanding how that person’s mind works.  If you fail to do this, you are effectively basing your argument on all people being the same.  I call that ignorance, for want of a better word.

And as much as many people may criticize my life – in getting romantically involved with women significantly younger than me, abstaining from commitment, never being a father or getting married, taking long vacations on my own etc – whilst there are people out there who have committed infidelity, or men who have walked away after impregnating women (and never knowing or contacting their sons or daughters), I can confidently say to myself, and to them if they so wish to hear it, that I am twice the person you are.  If you desire to criticize my life, I suggest you take a closer look to home.  Rant over…

Men being alienated by others

 

                             “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation                                                                          with the bricks others have thrown at him.”                                        (David Brinkley)

  

This post may not apply to many men out there in percentage terms, but judging by comments received over the last decade of writing within this blog, I would expect that it applies to more than a few male readers out there.

A disintegrating friendship

It pains me to say this, but my once best friend and I have become increasingly distant in contact terms over the last four to five years.  It would be easy to blame COVID-19, and the associated restrictions during this time that have manifested into lower general social interaction for today, but that would be a weak reason.  The signs were there well before.  I always try and blame myself first in situations of this nature in order for the purpose of credibility and balanced argument, but after further analysis it just started to become that bit clearer.

Of course, nothing can stay the same in friendship terms, or at least it rarely can.  I have no problem with this, as friends settle down, get married, and have kids.  I am not a huge socialiser myself (I am a socially interacting person, but the distinction in words and actions should not be construed as a contradiction), therefore the last thing I desire is anyone ringing me every week to go out on a routine and frequent basis. 

As what was two or three nights a week becomes once a week at best.  Once a week soon turns into once a month or so.  Once a month transfers to every few months.  Once every six months soon becomes difficult to commit to.  Before you know it, a year (or a couple of years) have passed, and you realize you have not had any meaningful or sustained conversation in all that time.  The role of me performing best man at his wedding now seems a million years ago.  If the truth be told however, I could have done a much better job of it.

With that said, I dismiss the possibility of this estrangement on the wedding roles.  Since then, I have suffered cancer, and he was supportive during my dark moments.  We did not distance in significant terms post his wedding, and he never once made me feel like he was disappointed with my efforts.  In fact, on a few occasions he thanked me for keeping the stag do low profile.  He is not the biggest drinker out there, and knowing this I deliberately refrained from exposing him to any typical bachelor party games (much to the disappointment of the twenty other stags). 

The early signs of alienation

Whilst far from a bad looking guy, my friend falls into a very mediocre standpoint of male physical attractiveness.  Being a couple of grades above him in this respect, I never used to sense any kind of resentment on his part when we went out together.  In fact, I always recall him telling me that he once asked a woman he knew (an ex-girlfriend of a friend of his) what she thought of my aesthetic blessings, concurrent to me talking to her friend.  Whilst I would not go as far as thinking he ever took pride in standing alongside a much better male friend (most men do not, but a tiny minority of men actually do), I equally never picked up on a vibe of bitterness either.

Nevertheless, it was around 2019 that I first noticed his discomfort when we went out for a drink.  As I documented in this previous post, there was one occasion when a woman commented on me as we left the bar.  On the same night in a later bar, a few tidy young women transparently placed themselves in our vicinity.  Around this similar timeframe (a few months earlier), there was another night when he pointed out a hot blonde haired girl at the other side of a pub.  At the risk of tooting my own horn, I saw this blonde checking me out.  I kind of think he saw this too.

The firm sign of alienation

Then came the late spring/early summer of 2021.  Restrictions had been lifted in terms of social gatherings, therefore little genuinely stood in the way of any potential get togethers.  I suggested going for a drink during a phone conversation, and his reluctance and reservation was all too obvious – stating he was still not confident in the social gathering aspect due to COVID numbers still being high.  This would have been fine and accepted by me, but the problem was he let it slip a few minutes earlier that he had regular Friday nights meeting up with his local neighbours/friends over recent weeks, and in the local pub.

Then he made this big thing about me inviting another close friend of mine (who my once best mate knew through me, but who was never even near to being a close friend of his) when we next meet up.  I found this somewhat strange, because he had not seen my other friend for a decade by now.  Further still, he had never held such a desire in the interim period within this decade.

Up until a few weeks ago, we had not even shared a conversation in over a year.  I can recall no more than half a dozen texts (during just one message phase) between us.  We always send each other a birthday card, but I half expected he would not send one this time.  My birthday came around, and as predicted no card came through the letterbox.  Not even a text message.  We were finished, as far as I could care by now.

Four days after my birthday, I heard a knock on the door after dark.  I went round to the back gate, to see him there with his daughter.  It was almost like he was using her as a hiding place, literally and proverbially.  I let them in through the front door, and he was there with a belated birthday card.  He made it clear early on that he could not stay more than a few minutes, although the conversation was amiable.  As he left and I again proposed a catch up, he once more felt the need for my other friend as referenced above to be there if we did.

What is the conclusion?

I can only give my honest opinion based on what I see, in addition to life experience in other interaction scenarios over many years.  I hate to say this, and I sincerely take no liking or pride out of it, but I place the main reason down to male physical inferiority complex of another man. 

An argument could be put to me along the lines of why would this be the case now if it were not the case as far back as our late teens and throughout our twenties?  Good question.  My honest answer to this would be that, as the responsibility of marriage and kids has naturally taken its toll on his physical appearance (although to be fair he still looks young for his age), I have developed and maintained my physical allure predominantly as by-product of a less stressed and low responsible to others lifestyle.  The physical gap in our late teens/early to mid-twenties, whilst noticeable, was most likely never significant in his eyes.  As the years have passed, the gap has become wider.  This gap has brought about discomfort on his part that enforces him to subconsciously (and maybe consciously) not want to be with me on his own.

Any other examples?

As I am conscious to not make this post any longer than it needs to be, I will not roll off another dozen examples that I could describe.  Instead, I offer you the tell-tale signs that cannot hide the perennial vision of one man being uncomfortable (which will mainly be due to his inferiority complex) with another man.

·       Extraordinarily little eye contact with the other man.

·       Body leaning at an angle away from the other man.

·       Transparent discomfort in body language when alone with the other man.

·       An obvious need to end any conversation as soon as possible with the other man.

·       No return questions, irrespective and despite the other man asking about his life.

·       A sudden burst of comfort and confidence when other men come into the close proximity and environment.

·       Ridicule towards the other man when other men are in the same real estate, yet no ridicule (or conversation in general) when just the two of them are together.

·       Awkward body language that is all to clear to interpret that he does not want to be in the same close area as the other man.

·       Spiteful looking face when together.  No smile or comfort when the other man is talking.

·       Only talking about himself.

·       Displeasure when the other man mentions something about his own life.

What about women in this dynamic?

Women follow a similar path to how all is described above in these scenarios.  In fact, as women place their greatest power in their physical beauty, if a man is better looking than her in gender relative terms then she is even more in discomfort, bitter and acrimonious than exampled inferiority complexed man. 

Regardless, what women do is to place every given effort to not put themselves in that irritable and distressing feeling or presence in the first place.  Based on the fact that they can usually choose where stand, sit or associate, in addition to many social environments being same-sexed, they can mitigate and eradicate any such awkwardness in the first place.  Further still, they can by and large choose which men they socialize with, and they can most certainly choose which men they become more intimate with.  By vast majority, they will choose men who make them feel better about life (hence, lesser looking men) in comparison to not choosing men who make them feel lesser about themselves (hence, better looking men).

Do not allow alienation to destroy you

Alienation can be a lonely place.  In a world where most people rely on social interaction, social reassurance and social acceptance, when other people are not forthcoming towards you, or worse still they are resistant and retracting when faced with your existence, you will have days when feel so alone that you question what life is really all about. 

The good news is that, even though people – women and men alike – follow a general trend in socio-psychological behaviour, there is still enough variation in human personality and character for said alienated man to live in the hope, and eventual knowledge, that a brighter day will one day be his.  It may take more screening for to find these people who are engaging and embracing of your uniqueness, and they will be at times awfully hard to locate, but there is enough of them out there, even in their small membership, to produce a better day.

When you do find these people, I can assure you that just one of them is worth a thousand of the jealous and disgruntled losers out there.  It is like a breath of fresh air, such is their rarity.  You enjoy talking to them so much that the other thousand idiots who do not like you become irrelevant and invisible as far as you are concerned.  You learn to spend more time on those who value you, and less, or no, time on those who resent you.  It probably has not always been that way if you are honest with yourself.  I certainly took a while myself to fathom who I should spend my time, money and love on.  I will be the first to admit that I did not always get this formula right.  I wish I could have that time again, but the next best thing is getting it right for today.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                      Your greatest lessons are a result of your biggest mistakes.  Your biggest mistakes will usually be high in naivety and low in life experience.  As you get older, the mistakes you make should decrease in greater numbers.  If you are still making the same mistakes in later life as you were when much younger, you are simply not taking note of your life patterns.

A final thought – alienation for women

It is only fair to balance out this alienation debate in considering whether women – in this respect the top end physically attractive women – face the same predicaments as the highest value men encounter.  There are similarities, with obvious variations.

From my experience, only a tiny percentage of men (men of all shapes, sizes, ages etc) hold a tendency to alienate the hottest women in the same or similar fashion to how women, as described earlier, alienate the most aesthetically gifted men.  Quite simply, men will generally suck up to and pedestalize hot women, whereas women by majority resent the existence of hot men. 

This miniature segment of men who do give the cold shoulder to beautiful women are men who have given up hope in ever being able to attain such a woman, and they try to disguise this frustration by stating words to the effect that she is too high maintenance or a gold digger.  In easy explanation, these men act this way because they have conceded they are not good enough to secure women at the high end of the sought after spectrum.

In terms of whether other (mainly mediocre or worse looking) women are inclined to alienate their much hotter female counterparts brings about a more complex description of events.  From where I have been standing all my life, it appears that most women do not refuse to be in the company of a much more attractive female acquaintance or friend.  Whilst this companionship may be insincere in association with concealed inner hatred and jealousy, you have to remember that women are obsessed with their social standing, and how socialising with another person can elevate their social proof and popularity.  Therefore, even if plain Jane or the fat/uglier woman has a natural dislike to the hotter woman’s visual attributes, she will use her hotter friend to elevate her own reputation.

Nevertheless, in fewer cases I have seen hot women being alienated, ridiculed, or attempted to be devalued by lesser looking women.  You can probably picture in your head the gobby (and often ugly) woman in the group.  With this said however, I have also seen it by women who may not even be that lesser looking than the woman they belittle. 

Whilst a clear part of this nasty attitude will be down to envy of another woman’s hotter blessings, it is no coincidence that a larger default towards this loathsome disposition is when another woman belongs to a much more desirable male partner.  You will find it hard to locate any factor out there in the world, in so far as illustrating female indignation and mean-spiritedness, as when one woman has to concede that another man is far more craved for by other women than the man she is with.