Can a man prevent becoming a dad?

 

“If there is never a right time, there sure is often a wrong time.”

  

A reader asks for my thoughts on a topic that has most definitely been touched on before within this blog, but perhaps never answered in a way to suit the direct question:

Hey this is rolexhandyman.

Is there any chance you can make a post on how you have been able to not make accidental babies ? What do you do to discipline yourself ?

My response:

Just over a year ago I was asked to revisit Nottingham Queens Medical Centre to discuss whether I was suitable for extended frozen sperm storage on a free of charge basis.  This storage facility was first offered to me (and naturally accepted by me) a couple of weeks prior to starting chemotherapy treatment over a decade ago.  If nothing else, for the first time (in 2011) in my life it confirmed that I attained a healthy and normal sperm count.  Most men, and women, take this for granted.

During discussion to evaluate whether I would be accepted for further none cost storage, the doctor analysed my latest sperm donation.  This was the first time post chemotherapy, therefore I was as intrigued with the scientific outcome as I was with the hospital’s decision.  The doctor said that whilst my sperm count in number was normal, it appeared the mobility was slightly below average.  Nevertheless, she said it was highly unlikely that I was infertile. 

She asked for my thoughts on the situation.  My natural desire of honesty and straight talking took precedence over the implications to my words, and I told her that I felt as strongly about a vasectomy as I did about one day becoming a father.  After a few additional days thinking about everything, I emailed the hospital as a form of written confirmation to take me off the patient list for possible frozen sperm storage. 

For clarity, I have not had the snip either.  If the truth be told, I can say that I’m eighty to ninety percent sure I never want to have kids (or more likely, a kid).  But that’s not one hundred percent.  With that said, if I had only one choice right now with a gun pointed to my head, it would be an easy choice to say - “no thanks”.

A recent anecdote

In late 2018 I joined a small deconstruction company with only five people (that included myself, and the owner who was rarely in) situated in the office premises.  There were two women aged about 46 and 50 in there.  After a few days they luckily took to me (it probably helped I worked from home two days anyway!).  Without the interrogation of any senior staff there on a consistent basis, you can imagine there was a lot of none work related conversation that took place.

One day, Mandy (the 50-year-old) started talking about her two sons, and in particular how they came along in the first place.  I discretely mentioned that it should be extremely hard for a woman to conceive if she responsibly takes the contraceptive pill.  As soon as I said this, I could tell this comment had touched a nerve with her.

She blatantly disagreed with me, saying that there are all kinds of things that can happen to break the barrier, so to speak, even if the woman is totally in control of her contraception procedures and does everything right to prevent pregnancy.  She said that with both her sons, they were not planned but the little swimmer found its way to her eggs.  I couldn’t help but think that she wasn’t being totally honest.

I certainly didn’t want to rub her up the wrong way any longer.  All I know is that I’ve been involved with women who took the pill responsibly, and (bearing in mind from the above explanation that I know my sperm count is more than adequate) on no occasion did they get pregnant.  The one time I did have a narrow escape was my fault as much as hers, as we knew she had taken ill shortly before, but we (I) chose not to use condoms.  Shame on me for that lapse.

The main prevention and mitigations to getting a woman pregnant?

Onto the purpose of this post, which was embedded in rolexhandyman’s question.  I think the most efficient way to go about this is a via a brainstorming exercise:

• ·       When you first meet a woman and you start nailing her, ensure you use condoms if there has been no discussion over whether she is on the pill or not.  In fact, forget just this reasoning in isolation.  In this day and age, it is advisable to use a few more weeks not going raw just in case there are any suspicions that creep into your mind that may suggest she has been around a bit more than you would like (hence, the STD possibility).
• ·       One-night stands – always use condoms.  As much as I do think it is very rare for a woman to go on a night out with the intention to get pregnant (apart from WAG’s, Golddiggers etc - who go out with the very intention to get pregnant to a rich and famous man), you have to remember that a lot of woman who go out, and especially women who are happy to drop their pants on the first night meeting a guy, will be in a very horny and fertile period in their monthly cycle.  If she isn’t on the pill, and if she isn’t insistent on you using a condom, you run the much bigger risk of getting her pregnant should you not wrap up.
• ·       As an association with the above two points, be careful on short term flings. A short-term fling to a man may not be, and is often not in practice, the same thought process as that of a woman.  If she grasps that you have a shorter time and no strings attached mind frame concurrent to her having thoughts of something longer term and more serious, it is more than common for these women to trap men via a pregnancy.  Simply put, use your own form of contraception to eliminate this danger.
• ·       Whilst not absolute, but generally speaking, there will be a far greater inclination and motivation for a woman aged 26 to 32 to get pregnant than any other female age bracket (on the basis she has not already had a kid/kids).  With this in mind, tread even more carefully with these women.
• ·       As a caveat to the one up above, if you reside in a highly populated city and you meet women within these big cities, her urge to get pregnant will not be as strong in comparison to the equivalent woman as explained above.  Even so, the principles of what you should do are the same.
• ·       The smaller the town/social network she resides in or belongs to, the bigger the risk to the man that said woman will try and get pregnant. 
• ·       The more career oriented the woman, the later she will hold desires to get pregnant.  Nevertheless, still be strategic if you see signs of her broodiness encroaching.
• ·       The less intelligent the woman, the less career focused the woman, and the lower the social class of the woman = the more likely she will want to get pregnant, and at earlier age.
• ·       If a woman hints that she has been ill in vomiting terms (or you know for a fact she has), do not risk having sex with her for the next seven days without using a condom.
• ·       If you are in a long-term relationship with a woman, yet you hold no desires to for now (or ever) be a father, listen scrupulously for subtle messages, often in cryptic form, that she will drop with regards to the two of you becoming parents.  If this is the case, you need to firmly let her aware that you are not ready for this parenting lifestyle or responsibility.  For as long as women are in control of the oral contraceptive pill consumption, and likewise men are not, women will always be in control of the pregnancy, or otherwise.  However, you manifest a greater chance of her preventing pregnancy by being clear up front than if you just went along with her vague signals or words.
• ·       If you still have fears of becoming a father – and the consequential detriments in the form of financial, free time, stress, relationship, physical ageing, and life accomplishment perspectives – try to maintain the fear factor psychology from stories given by your parents or at school sex education.  This mindset will act as a default for an “if in doubt, always use condoms” process.
• ·       Even in drunken moments, whether planned or spontaneous, channel your mind to still carry and use condoms without fail.
• ·       Should you foolishly fail to abide by all this advice (in addition to anything else you can think of not listed), and should you end up entering without rubber on your handle so to speak, at the very least you need to pull out before you ejaculate.  This is a last resort mitigation in my opinion, but in obvious sheer law of averages there is far less likelihood she can get pregnant if the vast majority of your sperm never came in.

A final thought

If the truth be told, I doubt there is a straight man out there who actually prefers using a condom over not using one based on arousal, intercourse, or ejaculation thresholds during bedroom endeavours with a woman.  I’m certainly no different.  Nonetheless, even if it takes ten or twenty percent away from the optimum enjoyment and climax, I see it as a price worth paying over the potential ramifications. 

As long as the unavailability of a male contraceptive pill continues, and there is no time soon this will change apparently, ultimately men only have two options if they do not want the woman they are sleeping with to get pregnant.  They either use condoms, or they have a vasectomy. 

I still to this day could give dozens of examples of men I know, many who were friends of mine, where I would confidently say that their female partners contrived the pregnancy.  I doubt on any occasion it was a mutual, in advance decision to get pregnant.  For every man willing to admit this truism, I can guarantee you there are more than ten-fold who know this to be the case, but who are unwilling to admit for pride’s sake and maintaining the integrity of their girlfriend or wife.

Q-tip:

It is no coincidence that a woman will not get pregnant to a man she is sleeping with in situations where she does not want to have a child with him.  Ditto this policy if she consciously knows a child will hold back her life, rather than enhance it.  Equally, a woman will happily get pregnant to a man, with little contrition involved on her part, if it means improving her life and public showcase.

 

Further reading

https://www.vinaywcmd.com/2014/08/susceptible-swimmers-for-contrived.html

Women’s manipulation and lies

 

                                 “If you can meet success and failure and treat them both                                                                as impostors, then you are a balanced man, my son.”                                    (Rudyard Kipling)

  

Sometimes a first-hand story from another person’s (caveat – not mine!) life experience brings the home truths to roost in a place where they cannot be hidden and ignored.  Take a read for yourself:

*****************************************************

I met this girl.  She seemed to live a spiritual life, looking for growth. Said she did yoga, practiced mindfulness, and was 2 years divorced out of an abusive marriage. She was looking for someone on the same path.

Well, I was 2 years divorced, working on my spirituality and self awareness, felt like the perfect match!

We laughed a shit load, we took little trips, we both loved goats, we both liked to cook, we both loved fun socks, both vegetarian, we were both very insecure, we loved being in each other’s company. We talked of marriage, starting an AirBnB, getting goats, having yoga and breakfast and lunch at our BnB.

One little thing she forgot to tell me, she likes to lie, and i mean A LOT. Actually, I don’t think she can help herself.

She was never divorced, nor was she single. Who knows how many others she had, I know of 3.

Without getting into the messy details, it was a train wreck that she calls “mistakes!”🤣

A mistake is putting 3 eggs in a recipe that calls for 2. Not juggling 3 guys and taking on a 4th!

She will keep drawing straws to blame shift. She always says there was trust issues on both sides. That’s what’s fucked up!

If she couldn’t see I was just a weeeeee bit jaded from the emotional hell she put me through, then I can’t help her.

And in reality, after the first time, the other 50+ times were my fault.

I tried to work with her. But for some reason she thought running to other men was the solution.

She did have one thing right. I did change. When she met me, I was a caring, thoughtful, creative, trusting person. But I needed this, to be completely broken down to rebuild into a better me.

She was always who she showed she was, I just wouldn’t listen to her.

Lesson learned. I’m watching now.

******************************************

Admittedly, a story of this kind can leave a man going through a misogynist, hateful or resentful time and thought process with women in thinking every woman is the same.  This is not the case at all.  There are still some decent women out there.  The problem is, and many honest men would agree, that this percentage of decent, genuine, truthful and sincere women seems to be decreasing as time passes for every day.

Where that percentage sits is down to a man’s objectivity, life experience, honesty, rationalisation, compassion, and bitterness thresholds.  I’ll be the first to admit that, prior to learning about women in emotional psychology respect (assisted heavily with what I experience for myself, and seeing what women do in third party situations), I would have judged women far more harshly than I do now.  This might seem like a strange thing to say from someone who has written for nearly a decade in being forthright and unapologetic in criticizing women. 

But that is what it is - criticism.  It isn’t hate.  Hate is a poison that nobody should let enter their life, no matter how far extreme the circumstance arises in negative terms.  Hate only allows the others to win.  Sometimes this can be construed as letting life win.  If I could give any advice, it would be to never hate.  This is closely followed in advice to never be bitter, jealous or resentful, although I concede these lapses are more forgiving.

This isn’t by any means to say someone should not be critical of someone or something.  I actually would be endorsing of this, providing you are not going out your way to do it for sake’s sake.  Likewise, be harsh when it suits.  Never be afraid to speak your mind.  Aim to not be politically correct.  Finally, and most importantly, don’t follow the crowd if it’s something you don’t desire to do.  In essence, be your own person.

A thought on this anecdote

As the man who wrote this life brief only gave us snippets of how this woman in his life was a despicable human being, there isn’t a lot more I can add.  This previous post gives a robust explanation of the lies women are accustomed to partaking in on a daily basis it seems.  And with very little remorse, it should be said.

All I will say is that to ever be good with women – and ultimately not allow them to hurt you as much in the future as it did in the past – you need to take a lesson from every interaction, relationship or lie you experience with them.  Only then can you not only become better with the next one you meet, but consequently be far more relaxed about the outcome or inevitable lies, games and manipulations they will play with you. 

I guess you could call it water off a duck’s back, because you are expecting it in advance.  I’m a firm believer that the men who sustain the most severe heartaches are men who are too trusting with women, men who believe most (or all) of what women tell them, men who lack experience with women in not comprehending or foreseeing trends or event likelihoods, and men who never saw the day coming because he placed too must faith in her integrity, loyalty, faithfulness and honesty.

I’ll leave you with some items to expect from the majority of women you will meet in your life:

·       They will lie on regular occasions, and especially about emotional topics.

·       They will play the victim role in most scenarios.

·       They will rarely (and sometimes never) admit they are wrong.

·       They will find a way, no matter how far fetched from reality, that the man they are with is wrong, and she is right.

·       Most women will not face confrontation or disagreements up front.  They lack the maturity, courage, and common sense to face it up front.  Instead, they will run to friends, sisters and mothers who, no surprise, will further fuel her argument that she has nothing to feel guilty about.

·       No matter the facts against them, women will use fallacy to assist their argument.

·       They will let their egos speak for them, no matter how far from the truth this may be.

·       The smarter and more intelligent women will give snippets of the truth, in order to maintain credibility and pull the wool over naïve men’s eyes.

·       They will find a way, no matter how guilty the sin they committed, that the reason they did this was for the good of someone or something else.

·       On rare occasions, they will admit to their misdemeanours.  However, assisted with evil female peer words and their own hamster rationalisation, don’t be surprised to later down the line see or hear them backtrack on this confession.  A good example may be a woman who cheated on her husband, but when it comes to divorce proceedings, she claims the reason this happened was down to his bad behaviour or similar.

·       Not many women (and this is most applicable as you move up the female physical attractiveness food chain) have an emotional equilibrium of healthy nature.  They are either too high, or too low.

·       Most women, as soon as they meet a man who they believe is long term material, will have a plan of where she wants to get to.  This plan will rarely involve informing the man upfront.  Contrived pregnancies are the best example of this.

·       You, as the man in the couple dynamic, will often be a cast member in a make-believe movie she is forming in her mind.  You have to accept, no matter how much self-belief and confidence you have in yourself, that what you are providing for her (whether this be in financial, better life or egotistical ways) is a priority over her organic feelings for you.

Q-tip:

Female lies are ultimately part and parcel of getting intimately involved with women.  It comes with the territory.  Fundamentally, a man with experience sees these lies for what they are and doesn’t let them affect him in a detrimental capacity.  Only when they do, does he need to nip the subject or situation in the bud.  Sometimes this simply means walking away, for good if needs be.

Learn the lessons of life, as the narrator more than alludes to.  There is no substitute for life experience.  If you fail to learn from your experiences, then you should expect very little sympathy in return when the tears internally manifest, and the heart aches that little bit more than you would like it to.

 

Acknowledgements

quora.com