Friday 15 March 2024

Some men will never warm to you

 

                              “Nothing is little to him who feels it with great sensibility.”                                  (R.H. Blyth) 

 

I could lay testimonies to dozens of men who epitomise what I will write within this post subject, but I will pick on this particular example for the purpose of self-amusement and recent reflection.

I recall a man (Richard) in the gym I went to a while ago.  From first impression based on nothing more than life experience, he struck me as a bit of a wannabe Ladies Man.  For summary of what I class as a wannabe (as opposed to actual) Ladies Man, I offer you these usual signs.

·       Usually middle aged men, but they can sometimes be men even younger than thirty.

·       Often small business owners, or in a middle to senior management or director position within their employer hierarchy.

·       Average looking facially (as >95% of men are).

·       Overweight to average body profile (but not significantly obese).

·       Average height (occasionally short men too).

·       Arrogant, and into their own self-importance – measures of which are way above their objective value.

·       Prevalent in not so discretely broadcasting their popularity and success with women (usually with no proof).

·       Bullies and ridiculers. 

·       Like the sound of their own voice.

·       Poor listeners.

·       Often not the most intelligent in a natural sense (even though they may have made it up the employment ladder via other sources).

·       Antagonistic towards objectively more sought after men.

In case you have not worked it out yet, I dislike these types of men very much.  I pity them equally.

The man at the gym

Back to the man I referenced above.  As I always do, irrespective of my first impression of any man or woman, I give someone a clean piece of paper in terms of judging them on the person they are when interacting with me.  Occasionally my first thought can be a little array from the actual persona.  Usually however, my first impression is pretty much on the money.

In his case, the latter prevailed.  I remember sitting in a spin class not long after I had finished my radiotherapy treatment.  I was near full visual recovery at that stage.  As the class was a 50/50 split of women and men – which included mainly mediocre women, with two to three reasonable looking – I sensed the first time I sat down on a bike that he looked at me with distaste. 

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                       As explained in this previous post, men of such kind – wannabe ladies men and men who think they are alpha males – hold an instant discomfort, jealousy, dislike, and acrimony towards men who are more physically attractive in a pronounced manner.  In essence, men wrongly think that women are attracted to men in the same way men are attracted to women (based primarily on physical allure).  Whilst women are sexually attracted to men of the highest physical attractiveness, unlike men’s screening for women, most women opt to select less physically attractive men as their male partners.

Another time that stands out is when I was doing my hair in the toilet area mirror (hence outside the main changing room).  He walked in, and straight away in a ridiculing fashion said – “Oohh, do I look okay!”

The idiot was clearly trying to have a go at me, entwined with his instinctive envy, negativity, and hostility towards me.  If I had my time back, I would have given him as much, if not more, ridiculing comments back.  I guess I was not quick witted enough on the spot. 

I cannot quite remember if anyone else was in the toilet area at the time.  Logic would suggest there was (maybe someone was taking a shit !?), because pathetic bullies are renowned for speaking out in these moments with a safety in numbers mentality.  In any case, the principle is the same.  He still had the comfort of other people around (the changing room is literally a wooden door away), therefore his choice to say what he did at that particular moment ran in true predictability.

On other instances when I have struck up chit chat with him, his unease with my presence is all too clear to see.  He just talked about himself, and never asked any questions in return.  Once more, a predictable habit of someone who feels inferior next to another, but who tries to conceal this inferiority complex by talking and self-promoting themselves.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 When you work human psychology out, and you fathom the way people act even when you do not like their conduct, life becomes a lot less infuriating.

A later comparison of his differing behaviour

A couple of years down the line, when I had now joined another gym, and I went for a coffee with a friend of mine who was also a member of the previous gym I referenced.  He started to tell a story which included a really friendly and engaging type of man.

When my friend mentioned the name “Rich”, I asked him if he meant the same man.  It clearly was him, because as much as the physical similarities we both described for him, we both mentioned the building products company he owned.

My friend could not have spoken more highly about him.  Nevertheless, I could not just sit there without saying that, as much as I believe what he says, it has been transparent from my interactions with Richard that he has not been so amiable. My friend was taken back a little by my words, but we left it at that.

The easy conclusion to Richard’s polar opposite demeanour is this.  My friend is a chap in his sixties, with naturally no urge (or appeal) to hit on attractive or half-decent women in the gym.  Compare that to myself, who he sees as a major obstacle in his quest to attract these women.  It does not take a genius, therefore, to see why there is such a difference.

A final thought

It is kind of amusing, because this post takes me down a memory lane trip with regards to my early ventures to America.  At the time I did not think much to this, but it all collates into a common theme.

I am certainly not saying this applied to all men (I recall one really friendly and likeable young man in a hotel gym in Charlotte who I spoke to, and he was quite a good looking guy himself), however it struck me how many native men appeared belligerent or unengaging around my presence. 

As American men, in my opinion and experience, are the most competitive men in the world in terms of their endeavours to attract and mate with women (in particular the most sought after women), it retrospectively derives as no surprise that they did not enjoy a man of my look as a potential competitor.  Throw in the British accent to assist (most American women love the male British accent), and voila monsieur, the natural consequence is a man who cannot control himself to a defaulted unfriendliness. 

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                  Once people stop becoming bitter, jealous, antagonistic, and disengaging towards you, it is time to accept that you no longer hold a desirability, social standing or/and importance level that you once owned.  Sometimes your biggest frustrations in life can be a by-product of your greatest blessings.

Saturday 2 March 2024

Can relationships be happy over time?

 

“To loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?” 

 

There was always a phrase I recall as a kid that was used in many films or TV programs.  I would expect nearly everyone has heard it before:

It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

Back then, it simply passed my mind as an obvious saying.  Nearly everybody desires to partake in the feeling of love, therefore even if it does not work out, you will always have the experience that cannot be taken away.  Fast forward to today, and I would still go by this consensus, however there is a bit more to it than meets the eye:

A recent movie

I recently by accident came across a low budget movie on Prime Video.  The movie itself will not stay in my memory for very long, however the dynamic possessed a somewhat greater appeal.  In summary, a woman was married to her extraordinarily rich, but over-controlling and serious, husband.  Her suffocation due to his dictatorship caused her to have an affair with a loser – no job, no money, no ambition etc – of a male lover (albeit a nice enough guy), however for a brief period of time she could not take the smile off her face.  It was like the lead weight had been taken off her back, and she could finally breathe in some air.

As she and her lover lay in bed, the man actually made a striking point.  His words were (in particular reference to her interface with both him and her husband):

You can have everything, but if you are unhappy, your life will be a pile of shit.  And you can have nothing, but if you are happy, your life will not be a pile of shit.”

In a way, the rest of the plot was predictable.  After a bit more fun and sex with the loser, she gets caught up in a drugs raid where he is arrested.  She consequently sees him for what he is – someone who could not realistically provide for her – in most categories, past a phase of a few weeks.  Conversely, the husband most likely gave her what she needed a few years ago – marriage, money, and security – yet the thought of being with him forever makes her want to vomit.

Speaking of vomit, she ends up getting pregnant.  It was most likely the loser’s seed, although it also turned out that she had two abortions when with her husband.  One scene in the film showed the husband explaining to someone that she had two miscarriages.  Read into this what you will.

I am going to keep this post short, because there is plenty of literature and assigned posts which cover this topic in detail.  Nevertheless, in the modern western world it really is difficult to be happy over a longer period of time.

Who is most to blame – women or men?

Both.  In essence, women want more from men that what they (the women) can realistically expect or what men can feasibly provide, whilst men want a pie in the sky life where their female partners stay as attractive as when she was younger and when they first met.  Whilst the former scenario is highly unlikely in comparison to the latter scenario being impossible, the one common factor is that neither are satisfied with the outcome.  Babies and material things can paper over the cracks for a time, but it will pretty much always come back to haunt.

Divorces creep up to a near one in two rate, yet even this high ratio does not tell the full story.  Of the half that do stay together, how many are still miserable and just plodding on because they cannot get out without it having drastic ramifications on their life?  I would say this accounts for forty percent, therefore, looking at it from optimistic eyes, this leaves a lucky one marriage out of every ten who are genuinely happy.

Long term cohabitation couples who are not married (and in particular if they do not have children) will be a little happier in my opinion, but the recipe of distaste towards their partners still follows the same path.  It just takes longer to get there.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         It is easy to make a woman happy in the short term of a relationship cycle.  Her massaged ego and validation needs alone produce this happiness.  The medium term brings about reduced happiness, bordering onto unhappiness.  As far as the long term is concerned, this is when unsavoury and frustration emotions take over at best, to abominate and resentment feelings at worst.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 Never finding a woman who you stayed with for a considerable number of years can be viewed upon like this.  You most likely never reached the peak or trough of happiness and unhappiness respectively, but your average happiness level over the equivalent period of time would have been higher.  Your stress levels will have been much lower too, which should mean you currently stand in better health than otherwise.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                            Marriage, or even long term relationships, are near on irrelevant when you are that dying man reflecting on your life.  You will only remember the love and happiness you acquainted with women, irrespective to whether you were with her for a lifetime or a month.

Saturday 17 February 2024

Which male attributes most attract women?

 

“If unsure or uncommitted of the corrective move, always go with your instincts. You never truly know which decision was best, so at least your conscience is then clearer.”

  

This was an interesting article I came across the other day, aligned to the post title:

**********************************

Ah, now that's a question with a lot of layers, isn't it? I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine over coffee about this very topic. It was one of those lazy Sunday afternoons where the world seems to slow down just enough for a good chat.

She was telling me about a study she'd read, which suggested that different people are attracted to different things. For some, it's a physical trait like the eyes or a well-defined jawline. Eyes can be quite captivating, you know, they say a lot about a person's emotions and thoughts. And a strong jawline, well, it often signifies strength and determination, doesn't it?

But then she leaned in, with a twinkle in her eye, and said, "But you know, it's often more than just physical features. It's about how he carries himself, his confidence, and, oh - a sense of humor is a big one!" We both laughed at that because, honestly, who doesn't appreciate a good laugh?

And then, with a more serious tone, she mentioned something that really stuck with me. "It's the little things," she said. "How he listens, the way he shows respect, his passion for his interests, and kindness. Those are the real deal-breakers."

So, in essence, while physical traits might initially draw attention, it's often the personality and behavior that truly captivate. It's a mix of both, and what attracts one person might be completely different for another. It's the beautiful complexity of human attraction, don't you think?

*********************************

Over time, and with more experience gained from and observation acquired with women, you will fathom which women are more honest than others.  No women is immune from lying, in particular when faced with emotional topics and preferences regarding men, however you will be able to distinguish between those who speak with sincerity, and those who just say what makes their ego feel better (hence, say what makes them feel better about life and themselves).

In respect to the narrator and her friend, I would hedge a fair bet that the former is far more honest than the latter.  My experience with women, with firm confidence in my view, draws to the conclusion that when a woman talks about endearing physical features she likes in a man, providing she states with transparent genuine verbalization (hence, not saying she likes extra fat around his waist, or bald men etc), she is saying what her instincts and heart tell her.  Conversely, when a woman attempts to bypass talking about the physical blessings in men – in switching it to the personality side – there is more than a fair chance she is a woman who resents the most physically attractive men.

To further elaborate, I suspect the narrator most likely goes for hotter men than her friend, all else being equal.  Of course, we do not know what her friend looks like (the narrator looks about a 7/10 based on the photo), as often, but not always, a woman’s physical attractiveness plays a large part to the kind of aesthetically looking man she screens for.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                Opinions will always be opinions, and on subjects where facts cannot be pinpointed and where subjectivity is king, it allows a person to say pretty much whatever they want, irrespective of how lacking in credibility and how far from the truth it appears. With this in mind, if you can base your opinion on what you truthfully believe, and what your eyes see and not what you want to believe, you will live a far more stress free and productive life.

Male personality is important…

With that said, and even accounting for the undeniable life consequence where the vast majority of women will desire to be with a lesser looking man in gender relative terms, it is still vital to accept that a man’s personality in attracting, or at least appealing to, women is especially important.  Whereas a man places first emphasis in striving for the best looking woman he can acquire, and other factors come secondary to this, women do place far greater weight towards a man’s non-physical attributes.

This is why I have always said that for all men – irrelevant of their physical attractiveness degree – personality is something they should work on.  It is most likely, for most men, far easier to improve their personality and character than it is to become significantly better looking.  I dissect three categories:

·       Ugly to below average looking men, absent of extreme wealth and social status, will not be able to secure much better looking women.  Nevertheless, if he has a great personality, he will bridge that gap of what he wants, against what is he currently getting.

·       Average to above average looking men, even with poor to mediocre personalities, will still regularly be able to secure women at least 10% more attractive.  This is a direct result of a woman desiring to be with a man who is noticeably, but not significantly, less physically attractive than herself.  However, throw in a good personality and charisma to assist, and this leverage will jump to 15% at least, and even >20% on rarer (but not uncommon) occasions.

·       Good looking to very good looking men’s necessity for a good personality is arguably greater in comparison to ugly and below average looking men.  Perhaps not so much at a younger age where college/university women or younger women in general are more inclined to go for lunkhead (but hot) men, but from a female age beyond 24, it is harder for these men to solely rely on their hotness.  This illogical reasoning is because, as described above and inundated times on this blog, women are looking for reasons to not date the best looking men.  If said good looking man can bring an endearing personality to the table, it mitigates this obstacle and predicament to an extent.

How important is male humour?

Male humour requirement is a grey area to me.  If it was imperative in attracting our good female gender, then the most beautiful women would all be with comedians (which is not the case) and not sports/film/music stars (which is the case).  With this simple observation considered, it is an easy assumption therefore to say that women place far greater priority on male wealth and status, than they do on male humour (or on male personality generally).

With this acknowledged, you could make an argument that a man’s humour level is not of immense importance.  However, you have to remember that >99% of men are not sportsmen, Hollywood actors or musicians, and >99% of women do not look like these referenced stunning lookers seen on the television, internet or magazines (coming to think of it, these celebrity women do not look as good as that in the flesh, such is the photographic enhancement world we live in), therefore you need to look into it from the perspective of us mere mortals of the world. 

My take on it is that having a sense of humour is far better than not having one and being anxious all the time, and it will, more often than not, give a man a better chance of upgrading with women.  I would also though say it is by no means a deal-breaker if you do not have a profound sense of humour, as if you are living in the same world as me, most women take themselves too seriously - which prevents them from being able recipients of humour anyway.

A final thought

And at the risk of talking about myself to end this post, I would say I have a good sense of humour - as a by-product of not taking myself or life too seriously – but I am not a hugely funny person.  What I mean by this is, unless in an environment where I am at most comfort (usually one on one or in small groups, and with people who I know enjoy my company), I am not a competent jokester or storyteller. 

The way I have mitigated this, one could say, weakness, is to, at the risk of repeating myself, not take criticism or haters too seriously.  I am not a great thinker on the spot in coming back with one lines in the face of ridiculers or people antagonistic towards me, however I have learned to respond with a mild smirk and hold a few defaulted and memorized one liners when applicable.

My personal favourite is as follows:

Ridiculer (example): “What the hell are you wearing!”

My response: “You don’t like me very much, do you?  Is that because you’re worried your girlfriend may like me more than you?”

This has been beneficial on a few occasions, because I find that no matter how humorous a man is trying to be at my expense (and usually these men are not funny, but just trying to be funny in front of their mates), the sheer power of psychology and reality conquers any form of humour they produce.  At the end of the day, if you fire back something where even the funniest man in the world has to question his worth, his weapon of humour has effectively been destroyed.

Saturday 3 February 2024

Materialistic and stressed out Brits

           “There may only be one crowned, but usually it takes two to either fail or succeed.”

  

Post gym workout, I was having a conversation the other day with a middle aged man who runs a pharmacy business.  We started talking about stress levels and people having heart illnesses in the United Kingdom at much younger ages these days.  It opened up a ten minute discussion on the whys and hows…

His main reasoning behind this predicament derived from obesity.  Being a pharmacist, his knowledge of medication evolvement regarding obesity, and its necessity it should be said, is far greater than mine.  With this considered, I can only respect his view and assume he knows what he is talking about.

He went on to further add that the only true way to confront the obesity plight we live in is in the form of prevention.  He elaborated in terms of the way to reduce obesity levels is to address it at an early age.  We both agreed that even if this process were to be successful (as there is little sign of success right now if it is in place), it would take decades, maybe generations, to show any sign of objective real life improvements.   

My take on it…

I responded in a way that whilst I agreed with his thoughts, the bigger reason towards our country becoming a high stress and heart attack vulnerable hotbed is more a by-product of working excessive hours, and further to the point, the stress involved within the time we work.  He very much agreed.  Don’t you just love talking to someone on a similar wavelength to you!?

I then stated that the main cause of this – British people working longer hours than other countries in the Europe – is because we have effectively replicated our big brother of the United States in becoming over-materialistic and searching for the (American) dream.  In essence, too many of us Brits have been dragged into the “Keeping up with the Jones” mentality, in holding desires for our lives to look better than our colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and even enemies.

A recent first-hand view

Having recently been made redundant, I met up with a Chief Operating Officer/Director of a large company in the demolition industry.  I had actually met this man just under five years ago to talk about the same job we were about to discuss, but back then nothing came of it.

I went into the meeting with an equal dose of open-mindedness and reservations to suit.  I met both him and his right hand man, and we sat down for just under an hour.

The COO just about recognized me from five years ago (granted, his high ranked position will mean he meets a lot of people), to which he said it was my hair he recalled.  To lighten up the conversation back, I said that I had aged in the interim period, but then haven’t we all.  He exerted a mild chuckle.

What first struck me, somewhat pertinent to my comment as explained above, was how much he had physically aged.  Five years may have passed in time, but he looked ten years older.  When he had to take a call, his right hand man took over for a while.  What was clear to me was how stressed and haggard he also appeared.  If he were to tell me his blood pressure and cholesterol levels were excessively high, I would have said to myself that you are only telling me what is obvious.

The COO came back, and he clarified that the main reason they are looking to recruit someone is because, due to the workload over recent years, he has been working evenings and weekends.  In his own words, he said this is why he is always pissed off.

As the meeting progressed, I remember saying to myself that, in spite of it being a financial package higher than anything I had earned previous, it just simply would not be worth the hassle and sleepless nights.  It brought back memories of a course I went on in my early career, and the course leader explained that no matter how many pay rises you receive, it will not compensate if you are just moving from one role to another, or within the same role in a job, that you hate.

A few hours later, the recruiter rang me to ask how it all went.  I told him that even if they offered a position, I would not be interested in pursuing.

How does this all come together?

I have tried to narrate this post in such a way in order to illustrate how it all manifests as follows:

1)    We are a nation which is over-stressed and susceptible to early heart trouble.

2)    We are obese and unhealthy.

3)    The main reason we are obese and unhealthy – compounding the effects of stress, mental health, and heart issues – is because we work long hours in jobs where we encounter too much anxiety and sleepless nights.

4)    Because we are working too long and too stressed, our poor diets and lack of exercise – due to both a shortage of time and lack of self-esteem – produce our obese and internally unhealthy bodies.

5)    Because of all this, we are basically an unhealthy human being in waiting for a heart attack.

In a way then, one factor feeds off the other.  Obesity is a result of over-working and high stress, and high stress and a lack of free time fuses further obesity.

Why do we work this way?

Nevertheless, the crunch of the matter, in my view, will be explained.  It is a view that not many people truly consider, or perhaps more to the point, they will not accept, as it goes against what society wants and needs us to believe.  Even clever pharmacists, doctors, or other high professionals will abstain from this belief, because quite frankly, most of them have been dragged into this quandary themselves.

In easy summary, the male British mindset is one, to secure the best woman he can attain, and two, to keep the future wife happy from leaving him.  He thinks he needs to give her everything he possibly can, no matter how unhappy he becomes.  If it means him taking extra hassle roles time after time, working longer and longer to cater, just to give her the biggest house, best cars, best schooling areas for the kids, and fancy holidays, then who gives a crap about what is best for him…

And I believe this is the problem we live in today in this country.  We all want things we cannot afford, or at least things which will cause us an unhealthy existence to get there.  If men desire to choose this path, then be my guest.  It has been a path I repulse in seeing, and most certainly a path I have never held any ambition to dip my toe into.

A final thought

Furthermore, not only is this problematic situation causing male unhappiness and deprived health, but it is often a root issue for marriage breakdowns.  There cannot be many men out there who enjoy being over worked, over stressed, and overweight, and whilst his respective wife may enjoy the extra money this troubled life of his brings, it is rarely enough to maintain her love and liking towards him unless it is a constant barrage of excess money.  Even this is usually not enough to save the relationship. 

Notwithstanding, such is the lifestyle they need to maintain to impress others, disposable income of excess and not knowing what to do with it is very rarely the case.  What is the reality is that even if the man is taking reasonable pay rises as he moves up the career ladder, the extra money seldom keeps up with his female partner’s expectations and required predilection for the nice life.

With this in mind, he just gets unhealthier and more unattractive as each monthly pay cheque arrives.  In the simultaneous timeframe, his wife’s attraction towards him gradually, or quite often hastily, deteriorates. 

The final chapter of this sorry state of affairs is, quite aptly, an affair.  The man slaving his guts off becomes unhappy with his life, concurrent to his wife and children not appreciating him for his endeavours.  Sex becomes more infrequent as each month passes, and, like no mean coincidence, temptations on business ventures or office interactions lead him to adulterate.

This is if his wife has not got there first.  She has become so unattracted and unappreciative towards him that, even if just for sexual pleasure as opposed to having a clear intention to leave him (usually she will hold desires to leave him, as a woman who cheats on her man does not want to be with him in any capacity), she will very much screen for better male options regarding infidelity or longer term.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                        You can have everything, but if you are unhappy, your life will be shit.  Alternatively, you can have nothing, but if you are happy, your life will not be shit.

Friday 19 January 2024

Get out at the first red alert

 

                                      “You may only succeed if you desire succeeding;                                                                               you may only fail if you do not mind failing.”                                        (Philippos)

  

A red alert via a woman’s action/s should be a man’s confirmation, which is usually confirmation retrospective of earlier suspicions and tell tale signs, that the time has come to move onto something else.  This man needs to offer no more words than the below predicament he once found himself mixed in.

“We had a fight about her sleeping over at her ex's house. She insisted it wasn't a big deal. When I asked her how she would feel if I had a sleep over with my ex she said it was different. I said yeah, we didn't live together and weren't engaged, you were. She then said if I didn't trust her to have sleep overs with other men then it was my problem to figure out. I left and told her her stuff at my house would be outside, come get it before it garbage day or it was going in the can.”

Time to say goodbye

On the basis this man’s actions were true to his words, I applaud his taking of no shit from her once she fell way below the standards and relationship ethics that any man should expect, as a minimum within her part of the relationship, his female partner to abide by and adhere to.  I have heard and seen this kind of story once too often for my liking.  To be frank, if I had only witnessed it once in my life then it would be one time too many.

The part we do not know is whether he was aware of her intention to sleep over at her ex’s house before she chose to do so.  For removal of any doubt, if I were in his position and she had told me this was her intention, I would have plainly told her that should she opt to do so, the exit door to our relationship would happen a microsecond later.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt in believing he was not aware of such circumstance beforehand, in which he then categorically did the right thing in calling it off the moment he found out. 

In truth, just by her telling him that she did intend to sleep over at her ex’s house, even if she ultimately did not do so in practice, it would be a red alert sign in itself to broadcast such a thought.  I am not saying that on every single occasion I would dump a woman just by her saying she was going to do so (providing she did not carry it out), because it would need a little assessment of the case by case (or woman by woman) process. 

For one, it could be that she is lying (maybe there is not even an ex on the scene), and she is just trying to test my reaction.  There is also the possibility that she is just going through a few moments of attention-seeking, personal validation hunting and self-ego stroking, and desiring to feel better about herself.  Nevertheless, by and large any woman stating these words of staying at an ex’s house is a sure sign to either put her in her place straight away or run for the exit door after having your fun for one last time.

Why would a woman do this?

To reiterate the words in the above paragraph, there are a few reasons a woman will inform her male partner that she is sleeping over at an ex’s house.

·       She is just trying to test what kind of man you are (and hoping you put her in her place for suggesting such a thing).

·       She is an attention seeker.

·       She is a woman who needs the male company of more than just her lover (even if it is just platonic with the other men).

·       The love of one man is just not enough for her validation and purpose in life.  Again, she may not be looking to play away, but ultimately her drama and attention requirements lead her down this path.

·       She is still into her ex (most likely telling you they are just friends).

·       She constantly needs to feel better about herself, and the relationship and companionship with a male partner is not enough to float her boat in this respect.

·       She has got to the stage where she is so fed up with you that she no longer cares what you think.  She is almost hoping that pissing you off will force you to dump her, in order to not feel guilty about her actions in what she is doing to you or her being the dumper (note: this is rare because for one, women have little guilt of their misdemeanours in the first place, and second, they have too much pride and ego to be the one who was dumped unless they crave on sympathy acts).

Further thoughts

The man in this story does the right thing in turning the tables – asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.  What he received here was the typical and predictable female answer in these scenarios.  Instead of giving any kind of objectivity or substantiation to her answer, she just comes out with the “it’s different” ambiguity line.  These kinds of piss poor answers are accustomed to women because it allows their little minds to allow their conscience to be clear, concurrent to thinking it is the man being the devil.  Essentially, she is always the victim (so she believes).  In essence, she wants her cake and to eat it.

She then, in equal predicable fashion, plays the card of accusing her male partner of not trusting her.  Once more, it is a vain effort to move the guilt from her mind and onto him.  A weak man falls for this in fear of losing his woman.  A strong man tells her how it is going to be on his terms, and he is happy to face the consequences of losing her.  There are plenty of other women out there for him to bang, and many better than her.

A final thought

I can assure you that no woman who is sincerely in love with her male partner would sleep over at an ex’s house.  She would be so in love with her current partner that the risk of upsetting him – and further him telling her to go forth and multiply (and hence, him ending the relationship) – is not worth taking. 

Additional to this, women fully in love with their male partners actually look to create distance from their exes (and distance from other sought after men in general) rather than bridge the contact back or expose themselves to other men.  You could argue that sometimes this is to eradicate any temptations she may have to play away, but more common is because she, at least in the current time, only holds inclinations to be with and think about her respective male partner.  Love conquers all, at least in the short term before love fragments simultaneous to bad habits reoccurring. 

Finally, and in conjunction with the reason of not carrying out the action to sleep at an exe’s house, a woman holding genuine love for her male partner does not even suggest the possibility of sleeping over at her ex’s residence.  Even if there are no skeleton emotional feelings on her part any longer, or it was a case of a mixed group of friends having a party at his house, a smart woman will not rock the boat in the first place.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                Nearly all men have jealous tendencies, in respect to other men sniffing around their female partners, when they are in love with a woman.  There is nothing wrong with this mentality from an internal mindset perspective, because if he was not jealous, it is symbolic of him not being in love with her (or even infatuated by her sexually, without the love).  However, this internal jealousy has to be controlled by not exposing or illustrating too much external jealousy.  Once a woman sees a man is too jealous, and this is all the more pertinent the hotter the woman, male jealousy will be construed as an unattractive male trait.  She will then start to feel she is too good for you.

A final, final thought

On this topic, it most probably has not escaped you in terms of how a decent number of times in your life you will have seen the inverse dynamic to the explanation in this post – where a man finds himself either intentionally or unintentionally (directly or indirectly) socialising with his current female partner and his ex-girlfriend/fiancé/wife.  Whilst I fully respect and understand why the female partner should do exactly what I instruct on the male predicament side – in which she should impolitely tell him to pack his things if he makes efforts to see his ex – it is no coincidence that far more often than the gender inverse scenario where men are not on board with this, a lot of women seemingly are happy to go along with this.

Just across my road there is a daughter in her mid-thirties who still lives with her parents.  There is one particular ex-boyfriend of hers who regularly comes round to see her.  Sometimes he is on his own, but infrequently his current female partner comes along too.  If you saw the daughter, you would realize that due to a shortage of male takers she probably is simply happy for some male company and attention, but another part of this will be because she holds onto hope that one day she can prize him back.  The fact he has a new partner just fuels her motivation to do so.

As far as why the current female partner goes along with it, or generally women who (often voluntarily) find themselves in this same threesome bubble, the explanation is simple.  Whereas men are no more (and often less) attracted to their female partners, all else being equal, when she is in the direct interface with a male ex, women apply the opposite emotion.  Simply put, a woman is always looking for something that attracts her more towards her male partner (and for verification he is good enough for her and that other women find him attractive), therefore you find that the jealousy she inflicts on herself ignites and enhances her attraction onto him.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                     The person in the relationship who controls the jealousy see-saw is the person who controls the relationship.  Always aspire to make your female partner that little bit more jealous of women striving for you, in comparison to you being jealous of her having male suitors.  No woman wants a man who no other woman wants.

Friday 5 January 2024

Is life a destined disappointment?

 

“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

  

Before I elaborate on the topic, I will caveat that it is always a better mentality to venture through life, even on a daily basis, with a glass half full perspective rather than a glass half empty.  With that said, I am a realist, and I know full well that no matter how hard you try to visualize the sky to be brighter than what you see, this approach is not easy at all.  In today’s murky world, even I struggle with this.

It is kind of ironic, because I should possess a better foresight of perspective and appreciation than most people, given my health history.  At the time, once overcoming a serious cancer battle and hearing the great word of “remission”, I felt like a rubber ball for pretty much a year.  Nothing seemed to faze me or cause any degree of anxiety.

Do not get me wrong, not every day was a bed of roses, but for a near twelve months I felt like I was floating in the sea with play thoughts of almost being skin tough from any shark attack.  Nevertheless, I then recall work started to get a bit hectic once more, and it was like everyone no longer held any compassion for what I went through.  I get this, as you cannot live off a tragedy for ever.

For every year that passed post remission though, it was like ten percent of my perspective built up was lost.  By the time ten years had passed, it pains me to say this, but it felt like the cancer ordeal never happened.  Part of me is grateful for this because it proves how I have stayed healthy with no relapse or repercussions.  The other part of me hates myself for this because I always thought a cancer battle would make me see life differently, and more importantly value it as a blessing.

Extreme generation lightbulb moments

Like most probably another couple of hundred million or more men in the world, as an adolescent I always wanted to be a footballer (soccer player).  Whilst being a good player at local level, I was not even close to the ability required to be a professional.

At twenty-two, shortly after graduating from University, I remember a World Cup summer where I spent every day dribbling a ball around the garden, fantasizing that I was a player in the tournament.  Strangely enough, my thoughts were of representing my late father’s country of birth, as opposed to my own birth country of England.  Maybe this was because he came from a small country (population, economy, land size, etc), therefore the fantasy of lifting a World Cup in those colours held a far greater enrichment.  However, I believe the colour of my skin has always made me, subconsciously, believe that I am a larger part of my late father’s production, as opposed to my (English) mother. 

Fast forward a few years, I remember sitting in my late Grandfather’s living room during a cold winter afternoon, as we both watched the football on his television.  The poor man would only live another couple of months after that day, and his eyesight had deteriorated so much that I knew he could not truly see what was going on.  I will never forget how he later that day said he saw snow during the match.  There was no snow (just his degenerated eyesight seeing this), but I agreed this was the case.

During the match, he said words to the effect of how great it must be to be a footballer, and subsequently asked me if I wished that I still played.  I never actually thought of it until that day, but it was like an eighty year old man had lived his whole life wishing he had achieved just that little bit, or a lot, more than he did.  He was in the main an optimistic man too (I will always remember him telling me that being jealous of others is a form of poison), but I guess even for someone of such positivity, human nature dictates to look back.

At the other end of the age spectrum, only the other week I sat with my ten year old step-nephew whilst he played on the tablet.  He played a bus simulator game, and I asked him if he would like to be a bus driver.  He said no.

The bus then went towards a hospital.  I asked him if he would like to work in a hospital.  He said no.  I asked if he would like to work in an office, and in what capacity.  He said no.

I finally asked him where he would like to work.  His words were – “I would quite like to be a footballer.”  I have to say that it brought a little tear to my eye and pain to my heart when I heard these words.

And the conclusion is…

In essence, there are seventy years difference between these male voices, yet effectively they are saying the same thing.  One is reflecting on life prior to his final days, and the other has multiple decades ahead of him.  The common ground is this though.  One spent his whole life wishing to be someone else, and the other will, likely, spend his life (probably from his late teens onwards) dreaming of being someone else.

I have a lot to be grateful for in life.  Most of all, I am currently healthy.  Believe me, no amount of money or fame can compensate for waking up and living your day in physical pain.  I am financially more secure than the average person.  Not to contradict myself, but money does help.  I am considerably more physically attractive than the average man, and this alone gives greater options in attracting the opposite sex.  I would like to think I attain a superior personality and confidence levels in comparison to most people too.

With all this considered, if I am honest, I have still spend some of my life wishing to be someone else, wishing to do something else, and wishing to live a different life to what I have lived.  Again, I do not think I am at all alone in this thought-process.  Human nature is a hard battle to fight with.

How does this relate to the purpose of this blog?

Occasionally, I enjoy writing a post that is somewhat left field from the main theme of this blog.  I do not think it does any harm at all, and I am a great believer that, no matter how far you may stray from someone or something in life that is a product of the main destination, there is usually a link that detours you back to where you started.

Be that as it may, I do think there is relevance to all this, in so far to how it manifests back to women.  In easy summary, if men – who are generally characterized as far more realistic, logical, perspective-oriented, and sensible than women – spend most of their lives wishing for more than life has provided, then you can imagine how women – who are generally characterized as far more idealistic, illogical, irrational, expectant and unrealistic than men – will see life as an even larger disappointment.

Because as long as a pair of female eyes and ears are unavoidably (or perhaps uncontrollably) projected onto the life of the rich and famous, a woman will always wish for a better house, car, clothes, and life, than what she has.  When a wish becomes an expectancy, if you are the man standing as her male partner, this will rarely bring about a happy ending.

A final thought

So, there you have it.  Other than a lucky tiny micro-percentage of male existences, a man spends his life yearning to be another man, or at least the same man living a different life (I tend to be the latter – where I am happy who I am, but I would like a “better” life).  The benefit of being a man is, in spite of living with this voice within on a near daily basis, the male mentality allows a dream to be a dream, and he simply gets on with the grind of life.

With women, it is not that straight forward.  As women have fragile egos, you will find that a lot of women try to verbally over-promote how happy they are, even though the voice within will be telling her different.  The perceived scrutiny of social media, peer pressure, and trying to out-do her friends, force her to broadcast to others that she is living her best life.

The problem with this exposure is, in metaphoric terms, the higher you climb up a mountain (hence the more you promote your life to be of higher importance than what objectivity shows), the heavier and harder the fall.  If she sets a mindset of self-promotion and high expectations, this will in most cases produce an end result of despondency, and possible depression.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                     For an analogy purpose, if men and women could choose a rollercoaster ride, the former would take on a steady trajectory with occasional thrills, whilst the latter would venture to one with constant highs and lows.  Men are happy with a quiet life, in contrast to women feeding off unpredictability and drama.

A final, final thought

I was walking away from the supermarket the other week, when I saw a quite attractive woman talking to someone on her phone.  Although she was walking the opposite way, she repeated three times – “Nobody seems to think it is his fault.” 

This conversational topic could have been about various permutations, but my immediate thought was along the lines of something like he (her partner) had let her down badly, misbehaved, or even cheated on her.

In any of the cases, I could not help thinking from her facial expression that she actually enjoyed the topic of him, in some form (cheating included), performing these misdemeanours.  It was like she had the world listening to her, and she was the centre of the universe.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                         A decent percentage (a far higher percentage than people would care to admit) of women get some kind of thrill out of their male partners cheating on them.  The drama, attention, sympathy, and competition with the (actual or alleged) woman he played away with is a stronger motivation and ego boost than the heartache she may be going though.