“Falling in love can seem like a foolish decision. It brings ecstasy, excitement, anguish and heartache. And once over, some people go and do it all again.”
Many people will have seen the scenario I’m about to explain at least once in their lives, but I doubt many of us have dug deep to find reasons to how and why it happened, and justifications for inevitable endings. Who was at fault, was it a breakdown waiting to happen, and could one of them have turned the lights off before the other was electrocuted?
I’m talking here about a whirlwind romance: a romance that traveled too fast, too soon, and over too short a distance. The kind of relationship where they both didn’t truly know each other well enough, but just got caught up in their own interests. Unfortunately, unlike the impending big day itself, their interests were not of common motivation, and consequently didn’t marry up. Yes, we’re talking about the innocent, inexperienced, average looking nice guy, and his well known, sexually experienced, attractive girlfriend.
Stage one: Her background
Bunny is an attractive, well known 21 year old woman from a working class village. Her heart is in the right place, even if she does lack a little in intellect, intelligence and everyday knowledge of reality. It’s not necessarily her fault. Her parents held onto modest jobs, they made ends meet to pay the rent on their council house, and just wanted the best for their five children within their limited potential. Bunny was no different, and she worked in a supermarket five days a week and in the local public house on nights if they had an event on. Bunny just wanted to be loved by a man, at least that’s what she thought she desired, but no matter how hard she tried not to, she always ended up in the arms of the wrong type of man from up the road. Once he had ditched her through boredom, she was moonlighting with his friend within a week. Bunny knew her strengths - her looks. She always thought that by giving her body to a man he would appreciate her and look after her. Bunny wasn’t depressed with her life, but she did have occasional nights when she would cry herself to sleep.
Stage two: His background
Ben lives in a middle class village, approximately three miles from where Bunny resides. He is a 24 year old man who is 3 years into a progressing career in law, after graduating from University. He still lives with his parents, but he has saved enough money to place a deposit on a house, which he is looking to do so in the next month. Whilst Ben is an intellectual, intelligent and knowledgeable young man, his experience of life, despite three years away at University, is low. He’s not the most confident of guys, and he is a natural follower to his more out-going peers. He’s had a couple of short term girlfriends, predictably the sweet, plain and smart types. He liked them both, but in each case it just ran its course. Ben dreams of that girl who captures his heart, who is loyal, faithful and pure to him. By his own admission, he’s not objectively the best looking guy, but neither is he ugly. He’s simply a run of the mill person, with a warm heart and genuine personality.
Stage three: How they met
By total coincidence, Bunny and Ben have friends who are dating. One night they arrange for a casual get together for around twenty friends. Bunny and Ben both attend, alone, and are quickly introduced. Ben is blown away by Bunny’s looks, and despite his beta mannerisms, she kind of finds this cute in him. At the end of the day, he is different to the typical jerks she is accustomed to meeting in her village. She isn’t infatuated by him, but realizes he is a good listener despite his obvious excitement, and she starts to tell him about her bad luck with men. Whilst curious in a negative way, Ben just says the words of “you just haven’t found the right man for you yet”.
Bunny is convinced he is right, and Ben further reinforces her view of this by continuously buying her drinks and producing stories of other women he knew at University who cried on his shoulder due to their poor choices in young men. This is the forgivable problem a beta male has - he makes the mistake of false belief this is bad luck on her part, or a coincidence, and fails to even contemplate the fundamental reasons for her falling for these kinds of guys. He is adamant in his mind that he is a cut above them all, and that she will find him special and unique. To an extent she will, but not in a positive, viscerally orientated way. Anyway, they arrange to meet up for a drink two nights later.
Stage four: Crash course engagement
The dates in the first couple of weeks go well. They are different people, but there is a complex case of mutual needs. He is knocked aside by being with someone way above his own looks standard, and she is smitten by the way he treats her. She’s also by now become aware of his earnings potential and property intentions. When they take the next step, she isn’t repulsed by his naked body, but she is aware of the lack of physical chemistry she feels, especially compared to her ex-boyfriends. Needless to say, he ejaculates quickly in the early sexual encounters. However, he does improve over time. After three months, they go for a meal to celebrate his promotion. With the exception of the odd drink, he has paid for everything so far in the dating period. He thinks nothing of this as he is just enjoying the ride, both literally and metaphorically. His emotions are sky high, he’s a little bit tipsy, and at the end of the night a diamond ring comes out. This gesture is closely followed by: “Bunny, I love you, and I want to marry you.”
She feels a little ambushed, but she loves the way he makes her feel, even if she doesn’t actually love him.
“Err, err, oh, yes.”
Ben is on cloud nine, and such is his ecstatic emotions, he hasn’t even wondered why she has never repaid the words back. From Bunny’s perspective, the way he makes her feel, and the way she feels about herself, far outweigh her half-hearted emotions about him. She just believes marriage and security naturally changes all this.
Stage five: Wedding day
Nine months later (twelve months into the relationship), it is the big day. Because of the planning, invitations, hope and excitement that go with this, Bunny hasn’t consciously thought about anything beyond this day. From his point of view everything is just perfect. His belief is this: he loves her, she loves him, he’s the luckiest man alive, and they will spend eternity together. Even other attractive women at the wedding venue do not turn his head, or even his thoughts. He knows she is way above his league in physical attractiveness terms, but he continues with the belief that his personality and caring ways are what makes her want to be with him. The same cannot be said for her. She sees some of her friends with alpha male partners, and she cannot help but wonder and visualize herself being owned by one of these men. But the contemplation is brief, as all the attention today is on the blushing bride. It’s her big day and nothing will stand in her way.
Stage six: Post wedding blues
So the happiest day of their lives has come and gone. Now it’s all “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part” to abide by for both of them. All the buildup, anticipation and expensive honeymoon are things of the past. All that lasts are the photographs of her beautiful portrait overlooking the sunrise, with this ordinary guy alongside her. There’s obviously still momentum from this great time in her life, but quite literally the honeymoon period is over. If this relationship is to be compared to a marathon, then she needs a second wind. Thoughts of spending the rest of her life with this man now become a reality. It doesn’t take long for every day to seem a little harder than the last one to get through. Every better looking guy she sees becomes a little more tempting than the last one. Every little wrong move he makes is now a bigger deal than it used to be. Simply put, she has realized she has made a big mistake. Sure, there is financial security there, something any young woman from her village could only dream of, but this is no consolation when she has to wake up next to a husband she doesn’t love. He is a husband she never loved - at least not in the way a woman should love her husband. Ben is picking up on Bunny’s frustrations, but he puts the wool over his eyes and fingers over his ears. He whispers to the voice within: “she’s just tired, right? Every marriage goes through this?” He notices her taking up more invitations to meet up with her friends. Remember, he is a beta male at heart, with hope and optimism blinding his natural jealousy, possessiveness and supplication. He thinks her friends are a bad influence. They probably are, but in truth he needs to find the root problems before blaming them. Then on one particular night out, her typical ghost from the past type of man approaches her. She sleeps with him that night, and wakes up in guilt, but also in realization that she cannot go back to the life she now lives.
Stage 7: The end
The saddest part to all this, and my view is drawn from nothing more sinister than honest and genuine sympathy, is that most men in this situation fail to even realize the woman they are with is unhappy, that she is cheating, or she is tempted elsewhere. Such is their obliviousness, and often lack of knowledge of women generally, that they live off blind faith or they refuse to face the truth. Women don’t get pleasure out of cheating. They just desire happiness in the same way men do. Women actually sustain far more guilt than men do from carrying out acts of infidelity. But women, if unchallenged or insignificantly aroused through an innate level of chemistry from the first meeting, are more likely to give up on the relationship and consequently fall out of love. That is if they were ever in true love in the first place. It’s a classic case of acting before finding reason. I guess, as humans, this is what keeps us alive.
With all this said, most women in Bunny’s position would do the same if given the chance. They would even do it all over again, but hope the next guy races her impulses more than the last one. But here lies the issue. If a man doesn’t hit her emotional buttons early on, it isn’t going to ever happen. Chemistry isn’t something that you wake up with out of the blue. Nevertheless, who can blame a woman in looking for financial security? It’s simply always the problem of the lack of emotion in the first place. But then, in contrast, the jerks of the world aren’t sustainable for the long term, and if a woman does want to settle down she is juggling one of life’s balancing acts. There are men that strike the balance, but they are rare and hard to locate, and they also can intimidate women who possess high levels of insecurity. In Bunny’s case, where her only real sexual market value metric is her physical attractiveness, she would be a classic example in being intimidated of a man with both intelligence and good looks. So she gambles on an act of God making her happy with a nice guy like Ben.
Men can act on emotion and impulses every bit as women can. Men may have more of the responsibility to make the patient and logical decisions in life, but I’ve seen hundreds of men act without pragmatism when their heart starts racing. It’s as if they need to make life shattering moves like proposals and weddings in order to keep her by his side. Love is a powerful tool, and when a guy like Ben finds himself with an attractive girl like Bunny, his logical brain is eradicated. Basically, his decisions are ruled by his penis despite the inner voice informing him of more productive paths to take. His biggest mistake in the whole scheme of things goes back to his lack of knowledge of a woman like this. If a woman tells a man she has dated bad boys in the past, he needs to understand her reasons behind this from the foundation stage. He cannot allow himself to think that she has searched the world for a typical beta male to treat her like an angel, only to never track one down. There are at least six nice guys for every bad boy out there, so a woman’s adamant claim that most men are jerks does not add up. A guy like Ben needed to act more challenging, he needed to have his own life, and he should have illustrated ways that she is worthy of him and not the other way around. I feel for these guys, as these are the ones who should have the most luck with women. If I had my way, every man like Ben would end up happy, irrespective to the kind of woman they choose to take to the altar.
Nice guys who gave everything to their girlfriends, fiancés and wives, only to be hurt for undue reasons, have my deepest sympathies and good will. It can be an easy mistake for these genuine men to think they are the only person in the world who has been treated this way. As men do not go to great lengths in talking about their feelings to other men, there isn’t an abundance of reassurance available to confirm these happenings are a trend rather than the exception. However, I hold absolutely no pity for men who pick up on books, material or information on the subject of female emotional psychology, only to ignore it and carry on regardless in hope the next woman will be different and appreciative of their good ways all the time.
There are some women who honestly and genuinely do desire to be with the perennial nice guy, but these females sit in the minority. Women of all kinds have a need for intensity and drama in their lives. Some need it more than others. The unfortunate circumstance is that the more physically attractive a woman is, the more likely she is to play the role of treating nice guys badly and chasing after jerks. This isn’t to say less beautiful females in visual terms are immune to these deliverables. If an average looking man finds himself with an above average looking woman, he is almost as susceptible. Although less likely and less extreme in kind, even an average looking woman can manipulate a good looking man if he isn’t prudent with his interaction strategy, or he consequently educates his methods to form inept decisions.
Any man who doubts this philosophy and these common occurrences is vulnerable to a lifetime of heartache and stress. If this isn’t enough of an incentive, he should live in the knowledge that his extreme “nice guy” habits are making women he is in relationships with actually less happy in the long run.
But when all is said and done, a man has 3 choices:
- He can downgrade from his usual female physical attractiveness predilection scale – that for a man is predominantly at least on his own level, but usually higher – and know that less interaction strategy is required due to being with women who, in theory, have less options in the sexual market and are grateful to be with him.
- He can live in hope that the low odds play in his favour and he finally tracks down a woman who fully accepts, and prefers, a man to be likeable and passive all the time.
- He accepts the painful truth, and he adapts to the reality that exists in the western sexual market culture.