Hot and cute girls with average guys: and reasons behind their choices

“We are only perceived to be big when by the side of the one so small.  Whether by stature, attractiveness, intelligence or wealth, so often is the comfort found in walking along the same road as those who make us believe we are superior, even if our comfort with them is not totally at ease.  And from this day on the choice remains between accompanying the one who makes you feel good about yourself, or the other who can ensure you feel like life is still alive.”

                 

I recall the days when I was 19, when along with my two best friends we practically went out in same way, shape or form every night. Many years on, what is most recollecting, apart from the thought of all that wasted money, time and hope, was the number of occasions they would both, as I would, question why we saw so many attractive young women with much less attractive boyfriends.  In those days my thought process was so black and white - surely everyone should date someone of similar physical attractiveness?  It’s only after years of observation, opinions and thoughts that formulate the phenomena of hot girl meets average looking guy.

Before continuing, it is important to note that the assessment of another’s looks is, and always will be, one of subjectivity.  I’ve known some guys who have dated less attractive girlfriends, only to bizarrely make extreme statements of her attractiveness.  And for every one of these guys, there are probably 10 women saying similar things about their boyfriend in the direct comparison terms.  But when all is said and done, I believe most of us can find consistency when judging someone else’s physical appearance.

Money/Security

Now first of all, not for a moment is it fair to suggest that generally speaking, women are “gold diggers” or they seek an easy life from a supplicated male that feels privileged to be with her.  Firstly, there aren’t enough rich men around for them to have this approach.  Nevertheless, if a woman finds out a man has a proportion of disposable income that he would happily spend on her, his lack of physical attractiveness can be somewhat compromised.  Over time, even if he isn’t of this extreme wealth scale, security in itself to supply a roof over her head and for her forthcoming children will be enough to convince her that he will be an adequate provider in financial terms.  Sometimes the factor of money can be an ideal case of mutual needs, whilst other times it is a simple short term fix.

Opportunity to “miss a step in life”

This reason is linked to the first point. Despite the perception that there are so many independent women now that are happy to go it financially alone, ask yourselves how many women you know who have sole mortgages in comparison to their male counterparts.  The likelihood is it will be a small number, and in comparison to men going it alone in this respect, the ratio would be significantly in favour of the males.  Taking this step can be a daunting process for women, both financially and emotionally (emotionally, as many would never have thought this could happen to them).  Men in this situation can offer them a stepping stone in life - from living with their parents, to moving out without having the financial responsibility. This may well be a joint effort, or a case of just moving in with the man and contributing on her terms.

Appreciation of her

Even though they will rarely admit it, most women aren’t unwise when it comes to perceived, or actual, male appreciation of their presence.  If a woman dates a guy a couple of levels below her in the physical attractiveness scales, the likelihood is that he will struggle to ever do much better than her.  Men place maximum effort and priority in securing a female partner based on visuals, and any other sexual market value benefits are simply seen as mitigating in comparison.  Consequently, he will go way beyond the call of duty to impress and keep her, and she will be aware of this process of life.  Every girl wants to feel special, at least for a period of time and in moderation - even if it is the beautiful princess hearing it from the ugly frog.  Women usually form fallacies, or draw from historic evidence, to manifest belief in better looking men not appreciating them as much as the less physically attractive men would do.  There can be no hiding from the fact this is a female insecurity trait, but when the whole purpose of their existence is often perceived through how they feel their man values them, which ultimately feeds onto their self-belief of importance, it isn’t difficult to see why so many are walking side by side with an uglier male partner.

Important note:

Appreciation of a woman is a fine balance.  She needs to feel valued, but when a man gives off signals that he can do no better – hence he over emphasizes his appreciation to be with her – a woman can interpret this as her a desperate man.  Only an insecure and unconfident woman is truly happy with a man who can do no better than her.  So even if a man is clearly punching above his weight in physical attractiveness comparison, he should never give off the vibe that she is the best he could ever have.

     

Emotional security in the relationship / Trust / Commitment

Men and women, unless they have experienced a far more devastating and significant event in their life, will rate a broken heart as the most painful living process they can encounter.  Whilst most men can erase this thought (even if cheated on), dust themselves down, and move on to the next one, women rarely have this luxury of strength of mind and soul.  If the recipient of adultery in the past, especially if inflicted by a good looking guy, this undesired memory can stay with a woman for a very long time.  In the company of a less attractive man, whilst still not being a hundred percent trusting at first, she will believe she has far less to worry about when he takes a night out with his friends or is away on work.  You will often hear women grueling over the looks of a handsome celebrity like Brad Pitt or Jude Law, but in the real world this is rarely the kind of guy they choose to feel comfortable and secure with.  Women, unless from the far extreme of low self-esteem, will want to be with a man that other women find attractive, however if he acquires too much attention from female interlopers she will create belief of him being too much to deal with.  It is a fine balance – a scale which a good looking man can be tipped over, whilst an average looking, or above average looking, man can strike far more easily.

Familiarity

I was sat in the sauna recently when a gorgeous girl walked in with her average looking boyfriend. As the usual thoughts go through my head, they start to converse in a foreign language. The simple fact here is she will be interacting with a small number of people that talk in her mother tongue, and choices may not be inundated. Think of an attractive girl in a small village - the less attractive guys out there will be all over her, and have far more chance than if residing in a highly populated urban area.

Personality / Humour

Remember the school days when a girl would refer to a boy having a great personality.  Back then, boys would interpret this as a patronizing way of her saying that she didn’t “fancy” him.  However, over time, and as women grow through their years, this comment does hold tangible value.  Women are not as obsessed with their boyfriend’s looks in comparison to his other sexual market value metrics, whilst men will usually place it at the top of the tick list.  If the guy can kill her with his humour, charisma and communication skills, his lack of good looks can be compensated to a certain degree.  Ultimately, this will bridge a large gap in competing with the better looking guys out there.

 Bad Boy / Popularity

Another trip down memory lane - the pretty senior year girl who dates a guy a year or two older, yet he is what most people would say as ugly, or average looking at best.  Well, he also happens to be a popular guy around the village and drives a clapped out car.  All the boys her age haven’t even reached the learner plate age yet.  Take this on a few years, and this guy is still ugly but has acquired a reputation as a popular bad boy. This blog covers many topics to why women are attracted to bad boys, but what can be said is most women love attention and popularity.  By feeding off him she completes both for herself.

Average looking guys with game and understanding of the female mind

Despite male good looks being the main way to attract a woman’s attention when she doesn’t personally know the man, once in interaction, she will behave far differently than with a less physically attractive man on a like for like social basis.  Quite often it will be behaviour showing vulnerability or intimidation when in the presence of his validated value and looks, but it can also be one of a hostile nature too.  An average looking man would rarely receive these kinds of reactions from her, and she will appear far more at ease.

If you read any female blog of this subject nature, there will be will clear language written from women that leads you to believe they really do want to be swept off their feet by a nice guy.  The problem with this is that the way a nice guy acts – too jealous, supplicated and unchallenging - will actually manifest its way for a woman to lose interest, despite his many good traits of being a beta male.  However as good looking women, despite their lack of confession, have an inclination to avoid being with men as physically attractive as they are, they are ultimately on the pursuit of an average looking, or maybe slightly above average-looking, man. 

When a man of this looks level can act with game – hence be challenging, charismatic and firm when required – he ticks both boxes.  A woman will feel more beautiful in visual terms than him, but she avoids the mundane lack of challenge from someone that she has wrapped around her finger.  In my opinion, average looking guys with knowledge of the female emotional mind are the best placed of all males to secure themselves a hot looking female.

Female perception of good looking men with poor personalities

Whilst this reason is probably used in a far more general manner than justification and reality would prove, it is fair to agree with the fact that a large proportion of good looking men do have personalities of far less appeal.  It is almost like the gender opposing dynamic of the typical girl who goes to great lengths to secure herself a rich or famous man.  She is basically relying on her physical attractiveness to strike his attention.  Men of this kind are not dissimilar.  They have placed too much emphasis and belief that the way to attract as many women as possible is to pump up their physical appearance.  Younger men fall into this trap the most, but many older guys also fail to grasp the fact that women place greater emphasis on other male attributes.  There is nothing wrong with fulfilling appearance potential, but it has to be in conjunction, and not at the detriment, to a solid, genuine and unique personality.  There is never a bad time for a handsome man to remind himself that the better looking he is, the more humble he needs to be.   The higher the quantity of good looking men failing in personality stakes, the more argument women will have to suggest every handsome man has no brain to back up his looks.  Of course this is not the case, but a perception to a woman carries far more weight than the reality.

 Egoism: jealousy of being with a handsome guy

The most unspoken and denied reason for women’s preference towards average looking men is that of female egoism.  The magnitude of this compulsive force is rivaled only by male misunderstanding and obliviousness to this unobvious, yet ever evidential, reality.  Most men, irrespective of physical attractiveness grade, do not comprehend this predicament.  Most women deny this reason, mainly to hide the apparent weakness and insecurity it so blatantly would illustrate. The usual scenario to be pointed is one of this: there is a good looking man that a woman knows.  He also has a great personality, good heart, decent occupation, and most of all he is a good person with no reputation of a cheat or liar.  He is also attracted to her, so what’s the issue here? 

Back in the summer of 2008, I had a deep conversation on this matter with a girl I’d only known a few days.  She openly admitted that girls have an unofficial rule to not date a guy as physically attractive as they are.  It is my opinion from experience that pretty girls are often the most insecure, and they would never feel comfortable with this guy explained above, even though they would rarely confess to this.  If you were to take a hundred random men and a hundred random women and grade them on an attractive level, I believe hardly any of the twenty most attractive women would pick out any of the twenty most attractive men – at least not for a future long term relationship.  They simply would not like the competition of a man looking better than her in social environments or photographs together. 

Another stand out recollection of this topic came about during a period when I was involved with a young German woman.  She was only 19 at the time when I was a few years older, but the physical look and mental maturity gaps were far closer than the numbers would show on birth certificates.  She mentioned her pretty friend (I rated her as 7/10) of the same age as her having many ugly boyfriends.  As I knew very little about her friend’s personality traits, I asked her opinion on the main reason to these unexplainable events.  Without hesitation, she firmly justified it as her friend needing to feel adored by guys she dated.  Although the pronouncement of pretty women with average looking or ugly men, from my extensive observations, is less prevalent under the female age of 23, it is also far from a rarity.

A 15% rule is in a woman’s mind will not be far from the way she thinks her comfort match would be – that is, whatever she believes she is in physical attraction terms, her man should be 15% less.  Women will not actively pursue or search for uglier men, but they will feel subconscious urges to not be with men as physically attractive (or more attractive) as themselves.  This fundamentally results in them being with a less physically attractive man, often with, but not always, other value characteristics.

This curious life dynamic – of hot woman with average looking man – is most common between the female ages of 23 to 35.  With women under this age bracket, most of them perceive their status and validation to be judged by the physical attractiveness level of their male partner, therefore most of them are more inclined in striving to “date up” rather than “date down”.  In the case of women above this age category, physical evolution has run its natural course to bridge the gap between the once pronounced differential.  Although the man in this relationship may have developed features of a further receding chin, pendulous pectorals and increased waistline, the probability of motherhood, and the more rapid rate women process in the diminishing of favourable visual attributes, makes this disparity in physical looks now become less eye catching to the head scratching public. 

So as a conclusion, years bring about a lot more grey area here.  Nobody can doubt they have observed the physical attractive imbalance from time to time, and it is important to have a level of knowledge to the reasons behind this nontrivial number.  I’ve known so many good looking guys beat themselves up over it and ask questions to why a particular woman is with an average looking, or even ugly, man.  The most critical aspect of all this in my view is to accept who you are, accept situations for what they are and what they become, and accept that women choose to do this.  I’m a firm believer that when people end up unhappy through their own choices and decisions, it is far more tolerable than when it is succumbed due to sheer misfortune.   So do not blame them for the choices they make.  What a boring life it would be if every couple were a perfect physical looking match.

I would predict a high percentage of female initiated divorces are from marriages formed from a woman being significantly more visually attractive than her husband.  I would expect these statistics to be even more severe if she had a history of past relationships with the typical bad boys.  This prediction would be further reinforced if the woman is inclined to look after herself in physicality, as this would prolong her attraction from other men and leave her more inclined towards infidelity temptations or boredom in her unchallenging partner.  A leveling out of these types of power imbalance relationships can occur if she lets her physical attractiveness fade quickly into the relationship, thus reducing her appeal from potential interlopers.  Likewise, if she becomes pregnant, a hot woman with a baby, married or single, is a far less enterprising commodity in the sexual market.   There are always happy endings too, as many people do adapt.  Sadly, many just cannot change that extra yard to bring about the good news stories.

As an anecdote to wrap up this chapter, I recall a few years ago being in a shopping complex in Newport Beach, California.  As I waited to purchase my goods, dressed in an unappealing vest and three-quarter shorts, a beautiful looking and immaculately dressed woman started staring at me with an admirable expression.  If ever there was a look of sexual compulsion then it was there and then.  Stood next to her was the average looking, older husband dressed in expensive trousers and shirt.  He paid for all her six large bags of clothing on his credit card.  In a strange way, a small part of me felt sympathetic emotion towards her.  Even though it was likely she would step into an expensive car, drive back to a mansion in an affluent suburb, and run up to any of the seven bedrooms to try on her new garments, I sensed the loneliness and lack of excitement in her eyes.  I felt even more sympathy for him, because I doubt they are still together today.  You could almost write the script like he writes out his reluctant divorce signature.  Relationships of this kind, where the woman is significantly more physically attractive than the man, are fine when it still originates from emotional chemistry as the primary source of mutual love.  When it is molded from other factors, like the reasons explained above, susceptibilities are to be expected from the start.    

Harry Styles shows how reputation breeds attraction

“No publicity is bad publicity.”

As a fellow resident of the United Kingdom, I can only watch and admire the global success that is the One Direction (1D) phenomena.  Note how I state admire.  No word of idolize or worship will ever some out of my mouth when referring to another man (or woman!).  The only male person who even comes close to this would be my late father, and even he wouldn’t acclaim this accolade from me.  In the case of 1D, I respect them, yes, but I’m a great believer that every man should strive to be the best person he can possibly be, and focusing on his own life should always be the priority.  Once eyes are shifted too heavily onto another’s life, it could be easy to wish you were someone else.

Nevertheless, when a boy band hits the top of the charts in more countries than I could name without pausing, especially when they come from outside of North America, it’s hard to not be intrigued a little.  Even the most die-hard 1D fan would be hard pressed in being adamant that Simon Cowell and his record label have not played a major part in the elevation of this international success.  As arguably the highest profile figurehead of the music world, Cowell would be able to mention this young British band at every given opportunity.  Once they make it in America, a springboard is placed to hop over to other continents.   

Not that I’m taking anything away from 1D’s talent.  They still have to deliver stellar performances with limited faultless vocal execution, and they most certainly do this.  I remember watching the British Xfactor with my girlfriend at the time during the 2010 cold winter nights, and from day one they looked and sounded the part.  From the minute they were manufactured together as a 5-piece (they all auditioned for a solo role), I can recall us both saying that they would win the competition.  They actually only finished third in the showpiece final, but few people with an eye for talent would have doubted they possessed the brightest future out of all the finalists.  However, I doubt many people could honestly have predicted how successful they would be a couple of years on.  A film about their rise to stardom was fair enough, but their own fragrance too?  Good for them, I guess. 

What stood out to me back then, as it still does today, is that unlike boy bands of the past there never appeared to be a stand out focal point member of the group.  Sure, three of them (Liam, Harry and Zayn) did more solo singing than the other two (Louis and Niall), and Liam mainly took on the role of post song speaker, but they all blended in well.  If you were to ask a million young girls or older women who they thought was the best looking of the group, there would be a relatively even split between four of them.  Even little Irish Niall, who I would expect to rank the lowest from female projection – based on their objectivity and honesty rather than attainability mentality – would still acquire his minority numbers.  In my opinion, the two most physically attractive members were (in 2010) Liam and Zayn, but the difference in all five of them, on a rating out of 10, would be marginal.  For the record, I think Louis (who just so happens to also be the weakest singer) today is facially the best looking, but this doesn’t necessarily make him the most physically attractive.  Overall male physical attractiveness is based on the three-way combination of facial features, body profile and height.  

So if there is no stand out singer, speaker or looker, why is it that the highest amount of attention, fascination and attraction from our lady friends is tuned towards the direction of Harry Styles?  Did he show excessively more confidence, charisma, style (yes, I know…), personality or impressive body language over and above any of the other boys?  The answer is: not to a pronounced degree, if at all.  What Harry did, and what elevated him above the others to acquire a leveraged status in comparison to his four peers, was nothing more than a statement on finals night.  Unheard as it was, these words validated him as a ladies’ man.  His words (as can be seen in the link at bottom) do not need an honours degree in lip-reading to know he was informing the competition winner of his likely forthcoming sexual opportunities with the opposite sex.  This obvious line that was seen by millions immediately gave Harry a reputation as someone who loved the ladies.  As a young man who loves ladies, and as a teenager who was then seen by a nation over twelve Saturday nights, surely this must mean every female now loves him.  This one line shined the spotlight on him and away from his objectively equal counterparts.

Of course, a young man in late teenage years has no real life experience in how to process this to his advantage.  Yes, he may well have had a few girlfriends laying claim to his school day expeditions, but his knowledge of female psychology, and how to maximize the potential of being a ladies’ man, would be extremely limited.  This is where media experts and music or management personnel come in.  They will have advised him to play onto this perception, and they will have devised exaggerated stories of his antics to the empty columns of tabloid newspapers.  Everyone is a winner.

For this now unproven reputation led Harry onto a short term (and probably fake) relationship with one of the female presenters in the following year’s Xfactor.  She was nearly 15 years his senior, but again, no losers are to be seen here.  He furthers his status, profile and magnified female attraction onto him – as more girls and women see his pre-selection by another relatively famous woman – and she boosts up her rank and ego a touch.  1D’s managers are all happy because it only further brings attention onto the group.  Less than a year later he is being linked with many other female celebrities.  As 1D began to conquer the transatlantic scene in 2012, he starts to date a huge North American star - Taylor Swift.  Stories go around, allegedly, that Swift couldn’t trust Harry’s womanizing temptations.  Again, this only further adds to his appeal.

Note of worth:

When a high profile celebrity gets either dumped by a woman or he dumps a woman, this has only an advantageous effect on how the majority of regular women view him.  A man’s status allows much leeway, and if dumped, a woman looking on has positive emotional sympathy for him in pin-pointing all blame on the partner who left him.  If he was the one who dumped the woman, an onlooker only further admires him due to assumption he has other pursuits who distracted his interest and loyalty.

On the other hand, a regular man is looked upon with more negative pity if he is dumped.  Sure, people will feel sorry for him, but in the sexual market context they will think she left him because there were better options out there for her.  If he is the one who jettisons, it can go either way.  Some women look upon this as a man who has options, and they see him with enhanced attraction.  But if he has a reputation for dumping many women, and he has very good looks to back this up, a high percentage of women will stay away due to their thoughts he would do the same to them.     

Now I wouldn’t usually use a celebrity or fame situation as an example of how female emotional psychology works in the modern day world.  This is, in the main, because women will almost always oversee a perennial shortcoming or deficiency in a man if he attained extreme high status or fame.  They would also happily take oversight of their own egoism, trust and insecurity issues – hence being with a man of equal or greater physical attractiveness – if it meant being alongside a male of high profile.  But in this case I make an exception, because what Harry achieved would also be successful in the “real world” too.  Simply put, women love men who other women are attracted to.  It’s like an epidemic, and as Harry proved it can hurdle a man over his rivals of similar looks and status.  So if a man hears a woman making comments along the lines of how she dreams to be with a man who is loyal to her all the time, who would never flirt with other women and who she knows could never be unfaithful to her (in other words, he is incapable of being unfaithful because no other woman wants him), he would be wise in concluding to the following:

• She is lying
• Because she is a low-calibre (hence physically unattractive) woman who couldn’t acquire a popular man, she convinces herself that an unwanted man is her ideal mate.  However, remember if she was actually more attractive she would change her true thoughts and actions.
• She is of amplified insecure nature, irrespective to how ugly or pretty she is.  She still finds popular men attractive, but her unbelievably low confidence reluctantly sways her away from them and towards men with less popularity and admiration from other women.

However, there is a discrete but important note to take when considering the benefits of pre-selection.  Note how Harry undertook none of this pre-selection himself.  There was no self-promotion or verbal exploitation on his behalf, and it was all done via external sources.  This is exactly the same consideration in the real world.  Therefore, do not think it is wise to walk into the office on a Monday morning with concocted stories of numerous women falling over you during the weekend.  Most women will laugh in pity to this crop of shite.  When it comes to pre-selection and the consequent attraction it brings, one third-party assumption or promotion is worth a hundred self-compliments.

Side note 1:

Records actually show Niall is taking over from Harry as the most popular member of 1D in the eyes of American girls.  They say this is a combinational lure of his cute Irish accent and blonde hair.   Men reading this may be scratching their heads because they probably think the same as me – he is the least physically attractive of the group.  But remember the female mind works different to the male likewise thinking in the inverse situation.  Men view their predilections on a fundamental sexual thought, which is only later accompanied by her girlfriend material credentials.  They will say it how they see.  On the other hand, women have the same private instinctive sexual thoughts, but not many of them say this in words.  A woman is far more prone to promote a man who is attainable (lower) to her own looks grade, and de-leverage the men who are perhaps too close (higher) to how she rates herself.

Side note 2:

Pre-selection for men is such a powerful tool that it can even be illustrated in the frequency of women taking back jerks who have cheated on them.  Rest assured, for every woman who broadcasts she has dumped the jerk who cheated on her or treated her badly, there is another woman who is sending him messages of forgiveness and requests to meet up.  Why do women take back men who have cheated on them?  Probably the main reason will be down to the fact, despite her broken heart, that he has proved another woman vies for his love.  If she can grasp him back, she wins the emotional game from the other woman.  Is this beginning to sound familiar?  Sometimes, with many women, a cheating but validated man is worth a thousand times that of a loyal and faithful (but unwanted) nice guy.

Acknowledgements

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFzq3ZkdubE

Can a man be too attractive to find love and happiness?

“Nobody is indestructible.  Nobody is immune from an illness.  Everybody, at some stage in their life, will require the hand of friendship and support to surpass obstacles, deprivations and tragedies that stand before them.  And every person would do well to appreciate they are only as tall as the shoulders they stand on.”

When we are kids growing up we can often be forgiven for thinking what will measure our success in life is purely down to how physically attractive we become.  It is a naïve consideration, but understandable for one so young and innocent in the real world.  It would be rare for someone to literally and genuinely say “I wish I was less attractive.”  In fact in the day and age of people striving to look more pleasing to the public’s eye, the likelihood of this statement is near on non-existent.

When I wrote this chapter I was sitting in my back garden at the start of the summer season.  I was sporting the start of a suntan that, in normal circumstances, would only blossom further in the impending months.  As a humble, objective and unbiased man when it comes to assessment of my physical stature, I was of the opinion that I was at my physical attractiveness peak.  In 3 days from that day I would be commencing 12 sessions of aggressive chemotherapy to treat a cancerous condition.  I was under no illusions that I’d conceivably never have the opportunity to think in this same way again.  It was because of this situation that I felt the need to explore the possibility of attractive men, in physical terms, finding it difficult to find a woman they could have visions of spending the rest of their life with.   

I’m sure we all know those good looking popular guys out there that seem to be experiencing sexual encounters with inundated women all of the time.  Whilst the figures are never as flattering or boastful as these men claim, it is fair to say they do acquire their fair share.  Further to this, it is a fair assumption that many of these female sexual accomplishments will not necessarily be of high level physical attractiveness, they will be low in intelligence scale, or it will be a combination of both.  However, contrary to a large proportion of women having a general view that good looking men live the playboy lifestyle, there are just as many men of this kind that simply and only desire to find one woman and to place efforts in making her his last ever relationship. 

So the question beckons: why does the relationship orientated good looking man struggle to find this true happiness?  First, because he always had some innate knowledge of being a handsome person (often through third party compliments), he sets his target girlfriend at a high level of beauty requirement.  Nearly all men place maximum emphasis on a woman’s looks, therefore if this man regards himself as an 8/10 in physical looks then he’ll be seeking out females on a similar benchmark in this criteria.  Many of these men also fail to realize women do not place total emphasis on physical appearance in their pursuit of men, therefore they fail to see the bigger picture of how attraction works in the mind of the opposite sex.  To further reinforce his selectiveness, he may also require a certain level of integrity and personality in the women he pursues.  In theory, this shouldn’t be a big problem.  It’s almost like some recollections of the infant school days when kids are matched up with dance partners at the age of eight - all the pretty girls go to one end of the line, the cute boys do likewise, and they all couple off accordingly.  Ugly kids match up in a similar way, and everyone is happy.  However, as we grow through our years, life throws spanners into the once seemingly mutual logical theories.  For men, it is quite simple: they will try to maximize the physical attractiveness of their future partner.  With women, it is far more complex.

Women will always humour and gruel over attractive film stars or singers, but in reality they hardly ever desire venturing into a long term relationship with a man as physically attractive as they are.  Needless to say, but important to clarify, if a man is more physically attractive than his respective girlfriend she will be even more inclined to turn away.  Despite the career resurgences of women, in general terms the female race are rarely as confident, successful or fearless of rejection as their male counterparts, and they have less earning power and assets to compliment this.  Ultimately, these factors manifest to bring about a relationship where the man is usually the more powerful and personable of the two.  This isn’t always the case, as a man can have a presence in a working environment yet he hides in his personality shell in social environments.  Nevertheless, what the woman can place on the table is her beauty.  Sure, a man may have many other traits in life such as wealth, social status, power or popularity, but if he is a 6.5/10 grade in physical looks whilst she is an 8/10, she knows that despite all his superior value traits, when walking down the street together people will think only to how fortunate he is to have her.  She will have conscious but unspoken knowledge of this, and it gives her a feeling of power she needs in order to infiltrate comfort and confidence in herself.  In contrast, if a man is placed in this scenario that is of equal physical attractiveness (or better looking) than her, she suddenly doubts herself and wonders what she has to offer.  She questions her purpose in life.  There are many reasons that explain the high, and often unexplainable, number of women walking hand in hand with lesser looking men, but the least explored factor is quite likely the most pertinent.  When people see this scenario their immediate thought is to what he must have to offer, but in reality it often has nothing to do with him and everything to do with her.  She needs to feel a purpose in her life, and it is a pre-conceived but often deniable female thought that a lesser looking man will complete this requirement more for her.

I had a conversation about this matter during an afternoon stroll in 2008 with a woman I had only met the previous day.  After a couple of beers she opened up with regards to her honest information when I asked her opinion to reasons of this kind – good looking women accompanied by lesser looking men.  She mentioned the usual reasons like money, financial and emotional security, trust, status and manhood credentials.  However, the most striking comment she made was with reference to the fact women have an unofficial rule to never date a man as physically attractive as them.  I’d often thought this was a possibility, but until this day I’d always dismissed the reality.  I’ll never forget these words as long as I live, and they acted as a catalyst to further understand the patterns of how men can appeal, or not appeal, to women.  Very few women would admit to it in this way, as they would more likely turn it around to claim handsome men are more prone to commit infidelity, to be liars, or to possess no personality to go hand in hand with their looks.  Furthermore, they may have had one or two bad experiences with good looking men, or they’ve heard stories second hand from friends, therefore they tarnish all these men with the same brush.  This is where the genuine, honest and caring men with good looks carry the burden from mistakes of others, and the negative perceptions of women.  No matter how good a guy he is, and no matter how much she finds him physically appealing, he’ll often have to find a way to get past this. 

 As time passes by, people naturally have less friendship networks, and the opportunities to exploit positive parts of their character become more remote.  When an opportunity does come along, because of the pressure of the situation it is not uncommon for a man to fluff his lines when in the presence of women they take a liking to.  The first impression is the most important impression in the attraction field, and rarely does a guy have a second chance to impress a woman he didn’t previously know.   

I have also found over the years that the older the women, the more wary and insecure they are in intimate situations with good looking men.  This apparent circumstance can be seen even in a comparison between a 21 year old woman and a 26 year old woman.  So no matter how many times people criticize a man for doing so, and no matter how much he questions himself for this apparent predilection, there is more than just the physical benefit in relationships with younger women: their minds have not reached conscious thoughts of egoism in feeling more valued by a lesser looking man.

Another hurdle good looking men need to fight is women’s perception that all males in this segment admire themselves too much.  Women can find it easy to generalize, so if she has recently spotted one or two guys checking their reflections in a public mirror (or worse still, a shop window), she will paint a negative picture for those not so vain.  A man can spend an hour grooming himself with nobody around and get away with it, but one second of this seen to the outside world and it can destroy a woman’s attraction towards him.  No way does she want to be with someone that uses the mirror more than she does, and in no circumstance does she need someone that clearly admires himself to the point of desperately trying to show his worth.  Actions like this will give a woman trust and infuriation issues without even trying.   A confident man shouldn’t need reassurance of his attraction from the reflections from outside of his own home.

On a not dissimilar point, women can develop a tendency of jealousy when it comes to their overall view of highly attractive men.  It’s important to re-iterate this is usually with men they do not know on a personal level, therefore they are simply casting assumptions on what he is like, whether rightly or wrongly.  Seldom do women consider their assumption to be wrong unless totally proven otherwise, and they almost always trust their gut feelings.  Even if a man manages to get past this barrier, it’s incredible how many women need to consult their female, and sometimes male, friends for advice to the type of character he may be.  As high value and good looking men with quality traits are hard to find, it is no coincidence these friends will often give her advice based on their own jealous agendas: hence often telling her to not date him.  Then again, from a man’s perspective does he really desire to be with a woman who seeks advice on a matter like this and who is too weak to invest emotions on someone she has physical chemistry with?  I personally would have major doubts and anticipate future problems due to her lack of self-belief to trust in her own feelings. 

After a couple of negative relationship experiences with men (not necessarily with highly attractive men), a woman’s guard will be up and she will have a particular low opinion of the male gender for a certain period of time.  She will see this good looking guy strolling nonchalantly around in nothing more than confidence and comfort in his own skin, and she will portray a view of him being a cheating, lying jerk that would be no good for her.  She’d possibly even go to great lengths to convince herself she doesn’t even find him attractive.  Men are generally more confident and less insecure and self-conscious than women in comparative terms, and if a woman sees a degree of swagger in him, she can translate this into a negative.  This is all the more probable with good looking men in reference to their illustrations of confidence and comfort with the opposite sex.  An average looking man carrying out this demeanour becomes more attractive and appealing to a woman, as he raises her perceived value of him (a value that wasn’t immediately high) in the way of acting like this.  However, a good looking man acting in the exact same way will still be seen in appealing eyes by that same woman: the difference is that she believes a man of this nature and calibre is out of her league, and she consequently pre-rejects him.  Women need to feel comfort in comparative physical attractiveness stakes, and if she felt insufficient alongside him, it is hard for her to know what she has to offer to the relationship.  By being less eye catching, she will have at least one aspect where she holds the upper hand.  So again, the genuine good looking guy has his work cut out here.

The attractive man can often have only himself to blame for being alone.  When we’re younger it’s much easier in the whole attraction, dating and relationship field.  A young guy sees a girl he likes, she is still in a mindset of optimism that the good looking ones are the prized asset, and everybody is happy with this situation.  They date for a while, and amongst lies, infidelity or a simple means to an end, they then go their separate ways.  They both may see it as a great experience or an unforgettable regret, but over time they can pass it off as a learning tool for the future.  Even if she wasn’t the brightest or most articulate, this probably didn’t matter much to him then.  These factors were negligible considerations back then as it was all about the physical look.  As time goes on, and as minds develop, men become more particular with what sits between a woman’s ears.  What was once never a major issue is now an integral part of the requirements, yet unlike women, it takes a lot longer, if ever at all, for men to compromise and rationalize on the physical attributes of a woman he regards as a future mate.  Despite female protestations that men are only interested in what they see, the reality is they wonder how a prospective girlfriend will adapt at the family Sunday evening meal just as much as the female inverse view.  Anyone can locate a sexual encounter on a Saturday night with the right amount of attitude, patience and perseverance, along with reducing their selectiveness in the opposite sex, but finding a woman that ticks more than just physical beauty attributes can seem a far harder task.

The final point also comes on the back of years of life development.  Single men, in particular those who have never fathered children, will more than likely have built up a substantial amount of financial assets.  This may be in the case of estate, investments or savings, but in any case he has a certain amount to lose if misplaced (even if innocent) emotional decisions are made.  Of course until a man comes close to marriage, and this may seem a million miles away at first, this isn’t an issue.  However, time moves fast, and pressures or ultimatums appear to arrive far quicker when both sexes become that little bit older.  Before weeks are being counted it is suddenly approaching a year, and hints are being implied to putting a ring on her finger for a committed future together.  This is all fine, as fundamentally this is what relationships are all about - finding the one to marry and start a family with.  Although far from all, it is a fair assumption most single women do not have these equivalent assets, and suddenly a man can be staring down at a financial imbalance.  In an ideal world this isn’t a consideration for a man, as he should simply have thoughts of being blessed that he has met the woman of his dreams, they get married, have children, and live happily ever after.  Unfortunately the world isn’t ideal, and with statistical proof to more than half of modern day marriages - in some western world countries - ending in divorce, a man surely cannot be blamed for assessing the possibility of losing a large share of the hard work and sacrifices that placed him there in the first place.

This situation can prove to be more problematic for a more physically attractive man.  Take a man not as good looking in the same financial imbalance scenario: he meets an attractive woman who does not have any financial savings or assets to her name, and in fact she may even have debts from previous adventures in life.  In total fairness, she may not have given him any reason to believe she is motivated by his economic welfare, but because he feels privileged to be with her, any future risk is worth the gamble as he believes he may never acclaim another woman on the same physical attractiveness scale.  Now back to the better looking man in this dynamic: whilst he is in love with this woman, he will be more arrogant in the way of thinking in terms of the risk versus reward assessment.  He may refuse marriage commitment or give an austerity measure in the form of a pre-nuptial option.  He will conceivably have more confidence in finding another beautiful woman where there is less of an imbalance in money terms.  If his female partner refuses these choices then the likelihood is they will go their separate ways.  What was once an opportunity of infinite love is now a trigger of reminiscing during lonely Sunday afternoons.

Over 2 years after writing all the above, I sit here in remission of cancer illness.  The mental and emotional scares will stay with me for the rest of my life, but through hard work, belief and the strength from above, physical defects (with the exception of hundreds of needle marks in both arms), are now a thing of the past.  As for my thoughts and opinions to why an unexplainable number of good looking men struggle to find true love and happiness: they have not changed in the slightest. 

      

Why men should never rely on their looks

“Sometimes you can’t know where you’re going, until you know where you’ve been.”

This post may appear to be biased towards good looking men only, but if you’re patient enough to stick with it there will be evidential messages that apply to, and assist, men of all physical attractiveness levels.  Women will also take something from this too, as they will relate to their rollercoaster emotions that revolve when put in the somewhat predicament of uncomfortable feelings and plausible deniability.

Earlier this year I saw a young woman at the gym (Virgin Active Derby, wink wink) who caught my eye.  She was blonde, approximately 5ft 8 inches in height, she possessed a curvaceous body and was privileged with a pretty face.  I’d say her age is 24, as very few women look younger than their birth date.  I’ve seen her outside of her gym kit, and she’s a solid 8.25/10.  Push me and I’ll consider scoring her at an 8.5/10, and that will surpass my own relative and humble self-assessment grade of 8.25/10 in male physical attractiveness.  On that first occasion she looked over her shoulder to take a glance at me as she walked past.  The following day we walked in opposite directions and she gave me a smile.  I’ll always keep these moments in a real and objective form, because if I was to paint a situation to suit my own ego, all validity of a post like this isn’t worth the effort to even tap one key.  But I took on board enough to be assured she was physically attracted to me.

 The following week, I stepped on one of the cross-trainers next to her and struck up a conversation.  Her first look was one of hostility, followed by the famous female adversarial word of “huh”.  No guy can confess to enjoyment of moments like this, but I carried on with a little small talk.  She just commented on the fact she couldn’t concentrate on her training without listening to music on her IPod.   Bear in mind I approached her roughly 40 minutes after her workout commencement.  I did about 5 minutes work on the cross-trainer, with no conversation, and consequently left the scene.  I was in a relationship with someone else at the time, but I’m always one to see what’s on the horizon if things don’t work out.  Being a social person too, I like the dynamics of various personalities in life.  In this case, the lasting impression of her persona left much to be desired.

Now, I’m no stranger to female rejection, denied attraction or ignorance after clear indicators of interest have been put my way.  The hostile reaction, as in the case of this particular woman, is far rarer than the friendly but “sorry, I’m seeing someone” response.  In the case of the latter, this is to be expected, and it took me years to understand the process.  In simple terms, most women, for differing reasons, are with men who aren’t exactly blessed with great male looks or physique.  Even those who are with better than average looking male partners cannot control their eyes when a stronger visual lure is in close proximity.  So once they see a man who is sexually above the man she goes to bed with, it’s a natural human instinct to take a look.  This is no different to what men do all the time with women.  Women do it less, because there are far less men who stimulate them enough for their heads to be turned.  But despite the liberal reputation women have perhaps harshly been dealt in terms of their sexual behaviours in the modern day – as only a tiny minority sleep around with concurrent men - the vast majority of women in steady (if boring) relationships are still going to decline a man they don’t personally know despite the intimate urges he may bring.  Their seeking of commitment, alongside the perception of better looking men’s infidelity, can manifest in forming decisions of sticking to the safer bets.

Women of this nature – often hot girls (but many cute or slightly lower too) who look at a man but then act with ignorance and unfriendliness one he interacts – are not unusual.  However, it is unfair to say they are normal to the course of events.  I find most women who give me the glance do actually make some conversation after I have approached them.  They will be fully aware the guy has acknowledged their interest and intrigue.  In the case of our blonde friend who did go the other way, it’s easy to work them out.  They simply have big egos but no real inner confidence to back it up.  She is typical of a woman who is physically aroused by a good looking man, knowledgeable she could secure him, but absent of the true confidence to know she attains the value to lock him down and trust he will appreciate her and won’t betray her.  With this in mind, expect to see women of this kind with the typical average looking man who is a couple of grades below her in visual impressiveness.  He wears the sign of a man who can do no better.  This is great for the short term, but not so much for the longer term.

With this woman, I’m pretty sure she was, and still is, single.  During the last 9 months, she has regularly ventured to the gym at times that steady relationship girls do not.  I’ve been going there long enough to realize this.  Her body language also gives off the vibe of a single girl, and one who has high standards for men to jump over but a fragile pride that lives in trepidation to the thought of being used.  This is why I don’t think she is necessarily someone who will go for the jerks of the world.  It may have been the case in her teenage years, but not now.  My guess is her assumption of me back then, and probably still now, is one of a sexual player.  This will go a long way to explain how she primarily acted interested but secondarily chose to ignore me.  I predict she may have had very short term dealings with a couple of average nice guys over this period of time I’ve known her who have acted like prince charming and bought her a few meals.  This will at least make her feel better about herself before she tells them “it’s not you, it’s me.”

However, within this 9 month period of then and now, her eyes have frequently crept back in my direction.  At first I found this strange, because no woman wants to inflate a man’s ego if there is nothing in it for her.  Was it simple instinctive chemistry that unconsciously makes her do this?  Does she regret her actions?  The answer is maybe yes to both, but in this case there were subsidiary factors to determine her interest over and above the physical attraction.  Life throws reasons, and here are the reasons her attraction has gone beyond the pleasantries of something good to look at:

Status

Not long after the apparent shun would have brought lighter mornings.  She would have noticed, in a quiet car park of little more than a dozen cars at opening time, a car that would stand out from the crowd.  It wouldn’t take long for her to put two and two together and realize this automobile belongs to yours truly.  Status, and how female attraction onto men is altered by this non-visual desirability metric, comes in the form of two dictators:

First, women translate an expensive commodity as an indicator of power and proof of a person doing well for themselves.  Women have uncontrollable predilections to locate men of higher status who can provide for them financially, and an expensive car would be unproven notification that the owner could do this.

Second, women have needs to fulfill their own self-importance and validation to shove in the faces of external parties.  A woman’s first thought of a nice car or house would be to how this could elevate her value and how he would make her feel about herself in importance terms.  Needless to say, a blonde in the passenger seat of a head turning vehicle ticks all boxes.

Never let it be misconstrued that men should strive for status to please a woman.  Firm distinction should be made between men who use status to their advantage, and men who feel the need to have status to seek women’s approval and lock them down.  A clever man uses status to attract and secure a woman, but he then ensures she is every bit as pleased to be with him as the inverse.  He will not allow himself to be her bank card.  A naïve man will work his pants off to secure a woman he knows (or believes) he couldn’t acquire through looks and personality alone, so he bank rolls her requirements to maintain her interest.  No prizes for guessing which man has the woman respecting him, and which man feeds her short term ego for a longer lasting resentment.

Pre-selection

This woman will have seen the occasional hot woman and various cute women glance at me with admiring eyes.  I’ve seen at least half a dozen do this when she has been there, so I’d hedge my bets there may be double this number that I haven’t seen but she has.  And there’s always the ladies dressing room chit chat to accompany this.  Female pre-selection is arguably the strongest pull in attracting another woman.  It is one thing to be pleasing to the onlooker’s eye, but this is only one opinion.  When other women share this sexual feeling, the target woman only collates a stronger beating of the heart.

Apathy

Since my first tingle of hard balls under my sweatpants some 9 months ago, this girl has progressively lost too much weight for my liking.  Gone are the curves, come are the skinny legs.  This isn’t my type.  I’m not sure what her motivation could be to this weight loss.  Maybe it was to be the skinniest girl on the beach in Ibiza, misconception that men like skinny women, or the watching of one too many episodes of the 90210 actresses.  In any case, any discrete inclination I once held to take a crafty look fragmented.  Women, true to the illogical system of life, are more attracted to disinterested, indifferent and apathetic men.  It’s funny how the boot can land on the other foot.  Suddenly she would be asking the questions to how a once interested guy could no longer give a toss.

Attitude and Confidence

Women observe and assess a man’s demeanour more than his physical look per se.  In the routine workout sessions there is the perennial type of lunkhead jerk gym guy who trains there.  Allegedly on steroids, his muscular bulk is complimented by various tattoos.  Nevertheless, although not many women’s cup of tea for relationship intention, these men do project attention onto female eyes.  I would guess he will have formed a forbidden fantasy in many a woman’s daydream.  To me, he is nothing more than a guy at the gym.  One particular day, we crossed paths, and our good lady of the story would have been watching on.  As I took my usual purpose to acknowledge him (as I do everyone else) as I walked proud, chest out, maximized posture with a mild smirk, the lunkhead jerk couldn’t even look me in the eye as he possessed slouched shoulders and head arched down.  You can put a million tattoos and induced needles in a person, but positive attitude and confidence comes within the soul.  I don’t have one tattoo, and I most certainly wouldn’t touch the juice if someone paid me, but in those few seconds the higher value person wasn’t the one with the bad boy visual characteristics. 

Protective perception

On a not dissimilar theme to the above, a woman’s perception of a man she doesn’t know, or God forbid sometimes one she does know, will rule over any substantiation available.  Over the years I spend about 20 minutes on the punch bag.  I’m never going to be a professional, but my technique and punch power has been applauded by other members.  This woman will see this, and the perceived view is one of a guy who could stand up for her if needs must.  Only drama orientated women – hence usually dense women - of the highest magnitude desire a thug, but all women need to know a man can protect them. 

Let me re-iterate that, like a sports car, boxing is something I do for myself.  My health, welfare and own agenda will always supersede any thought of female attraction.  If it conquers both, then good for me.

Man in a hurry

My time is valuable and sparse.  I have to get in and out the gym in as little time as possible.  This means short rest periods and quick sets.  There’s no messing around with me, and it illustrates a person who is in a hurry.  Women, strange to their way of thinking, like to fight for a man’s time.  As much as they will tell a man, in order to feed their egos, that they crave for his unlimited time and energy, the truth is women are magnetized to men who walk past them as if they are invisible.  This is why so many nice guys are left confused when they have spent every last ounce of exertion on a woman, only for her to depart in saying he didn’t do enough for her.  What she is really saying is she resents him for doing too much too soon, she took it for granted, and now she can use any slight restriction in his efforts as an excuse to jettison from the bond.  This is all when the jerk who gave her nothing has her knocking on his door.

As for now, I can’t deny that the balls in my pants are once again stiffening.  She has regained her curves, and looking hot.  Even if she is more open to my interaction in view of all the above, she will have to wait.  My current girlfriend, whilst a ¼ to ½ grade below this blonde in a physical attractiveness score, has an overall array of more pleasing girlfriend material measurements.  At least this is how I see it right now.  Maybe the gym girl can prove me wrong one day.  Just for the record, and despite how some readers may misinterpret some of my words, I actually only believe in the psychological aspect of cheating, and not the pragmatic side.  That is, a man is always a better partner with his wife, fiancé or girlfriend when he knows options are always his for the taking.  He is confident, through proof or otherwise, that if his current partner misbehaves in extreme and frequent ways, he can leave without a tear in his eye and move onto pastures new.  There will be plenty of high quality and willing female takers.  This is the strict difference from adulterating in its literal deliverable.  Whether people believe me or not, I condemn infidelity.

If this time does arrive – when I’m available to consider proposing my good self to the blonde at the gym – I’m still not sure what the outcome will be.  Nothing surprises me anymore.  It could also well be the classic act of not wanting to date me but equally not wanting anyone else to have me.  Women may deny this, but I can guarantee it happens much more than people acknowledge.  Damn, I hate it when I’m right.  If she reads this and works it out, she’ll probably reject through pride alone.  I actually passed her the other day and she blanked me.  I also get the impression that she is perhaps avoiding me, as I’ve noticed a later arrival from her of late.  Surely this couldn’t be an attempt to diffuse her itching feelings, could it?  Maybe she’s had dreams about me.  If so, right back at you!  Her apparent concealed interest would have put me off some years ago, but women’s emotions are all over the place when in the predicament of being attracted to a guy in this sense.  It doesn’t happen to them very often, because only a small percentage of men grab a woman by the sexual gut.  Those that do are often dense jerks who cannot offer them much past tomorrow.  Men who can split the difference are as rare rocking horse shit.

My hunch tells me that she has what I term as “reluctant attraction”.  A woman can quite easily disregard and vainly deny her physical attraction towards a man due to the comprehension of knowing her ego will be put out of joint in being with someone on eye catching parity.  But when you place other desirables on the table, she can be swung.  It could still be a case of trying desperately hard to find reasons not to be with me too.  It’s one thing to be a hot woman, but a hot woman knowing an equally hot man is desired by nearly all other women out there, some who are even more attractive than her, is a person with uncomforting feelings.  Not that a woman wants a man no other female looks for, but the balance is a fine one between too little and too much admiration.  Either way, it will be no skin off my nose.  I’ve dated a couple of slightly hotter women and a few on par, and similar to thoughts of many men out there, a woman who falls only fractionally below this beauty threshold but with good personality and values is worth more than one of enhanced glamour – at least for long term relationship consideration.

To go back to the beginning, this scenario is simply further information to guys who believe male looks are the trump card to secure women.  If they do believe this to be the case then they need to sign in for a reality check very soon.  Male good looks do help, no doubt, but male physical attractiveness of high degree can become counter-productive with many women in an average small city or town.  I know there will be good looking men reading this post, and if they are honest, they will have succumbed to the same female process of early interest but ultimate rejection. 

For lesser looking men, the message is one of this:

Your not so blessed looks are a mere irrelevance if you can offer other items women desire.  Some of them, as explained, are firmly within your own grasp.  I stand by the view that an average looking man, with knowledge of how women’s emotional brain works, has a better chance to be cut some slack and not be immediately rejected when approaching most of our good lady friends in environments where she doesn’t know the relevant man.  A man who doesn’t dent women’s egos due to his lesser comparative looks should take advantage of this unspoken but transparent pronouncement.  It’s no coincidence that 8 to 9 cute or hot women out of every 10 you see are walking hand in hand with men who are on a similar looks grade to you.  The balance only starts to significantly shift in a good looking man’s favour when the woman knows him personally.      

Women are simple to work out when you’re a clued up and astute man who draws from past experiences, mistakes and successes.  This is further developed when he looks outside of his own bubble too.  However, idealistic men, or men who refuse to believe the truth, are forever chasing their tail in the lack of knowledge to why life with women occurs the way it does.

The 11 main things men don’t understand about women

“I like to study the interaction when I’m out.  Because not many people study it: most people just put on something nice, go to a club, stumble around and try and find someone.  But I’ve always tried to study it, try to understand it, try and find a pattern and try to make it perfect.”

(Will Smith, actor)

                                                                 

There is a selection of men controlling ascending escalators that the woman they are attracted to, or in the early stages of a relationship with, are attempting to reach the top.  They are completely in control of it, speeding the incline when they choose (making it harder for her to reach the top), or alternatively slowing it down to assist her.  There are three types of controllers taking it in turns to analyze her emotions at the end.  They ultimately hope she finds his conduction appealing:

Controller one

He sees her struggling at the bottom of the escalator and he sees the frustration on her face.  His gut reaction is to interpret this in his mind as sympathy towards her, and he consequently slows the intensity down so much that she makes the top in a matter of seconds.  Whilst relieved of her pain and satisfied of her immediate achievement, strangely to him she has an expression of someone who expected more of a challenge.

“Well done” he says to her.

“It was a bit too easy” she replies.

Despite controller one offering her another go the following day, free of charge, she never returns.

Controller two

Again, she starts off making no progress at the bottom.  He allows her to make a little headway, but then speeds up the intensity so she returns to the bottom.  He enjoys her struggle, more to please himself than anything else, and it is not until she is almost collapsing that he lets her make up a couple of steps.  In the end she simply gives up, coughing, crying and drained.  He doesn’t even ask her how she is feeling or why she found it so difficult.

“You selfish, arrogant jerk” she cries out.

Strangely, she signs up to attempt the challenge with this same controller a couple of days later.

Controller three

This controller actually allows her a challenging but achievable start, however as soon as he realizes she is finding it too comfortable he pushes the buttons so she takes a step back.  Then he releases it a little for her to make two steps up, only to intensify in order for her to decline a step.  He repeats this process a few times, even reversing the trend occasionally to keep her guessing, so she makes one step of progress and two steps back.  Eventually, after a few minutes she makes the peak.  She is challenged but not totally exerted. 

“That should have been easier for me” she says in slight hostility.  Yet what is noticeable more than anything is she has a balanced look of admiration and inquisitiveness towards this controller.  She asks him for another go the following day.

In a nutshell, this is how three types of men act with women.  If she was asked which controller she wanted to be with, she would immediately state her intentions for controller one - the sweet controller who was so considerate to her needs and who was there for her in her time of need.  Now if she is asked the same question with a lie detector attached to her, she wouldn’t be saying controller one this time.  Ask her which controller hurt her the most, and of course she would say controller two.  But if you asked her to choose between these first two controllers, especially in her younger dating years (although many adult women would fall into this bracket too), and she had the benefit of staying anonymous, she would take preference to controller two.  After being challenged by the first two controllers, not many women would even participate on the escalator of controller three.  Such is her preconceived view that there are only two types of controllers in the world, she doesn’t even take the time to look further beyond this false perception of belief.  So in summary, she will dive in at controller two as her need for a challenge rules over safety, and she will give him much more leeway than controller one.  It may be a case that once hurt by controller two she just goes onto another controller from that team (hence another bad boy) and repeat her emotions in hope of a happier ending. 

Basically, the long and the short of this is that women, at least most women, will often act opposite to the things they say, especially when it is relative to emotional decisions and issues.  They actually desire least the things that men believe they crave for the most, and they take preference in the things apparently despised.  Most men simply do not understand women, and it’s not always their fault.  For instance, take a man who has been in a loyal, long-term relationship only for it to all fall apart.  His assumption is to think what worked for her must also work for the new woman in his life.  But if this guy is an average looking beta dominant character (or any kind of man acting in a beta manner) who has found himself a better looking girlfriend who is not short of options from other men, will his past methods really work this time?  If he has lost touch then this is unlikely to work out.  It’s not until a man has dated a high number of women over a high period of years can he even start to believe he knows what women need.  Or more importantly, what women want.  Even then his experiences will never be enough.  He will need to assist it with fundamental emotional psychological research and reasoning, both from a male and female perspective, before he can truly understand the factors that tick a woman’s box.  Further to this, he has to face up to his past mistakes and accept where he went wrong.  The hardest part in life is accepting you are wrong, and nothing sums this up more than a man assessing his failures with women.  So often his pride stands in the way of his future progress.

These are 11 misconceptions that men are most guilty of stepping in:

The nicer he treats her, the more she will appreciate him

How many times have you heard a woman say “he was so sweet to me, and he did so many things for me.”  The naïve person of the world will think and believe she has found the perfect man, and the woman may even believe it herself.  Then oddly, a month or two down the line it is all over, and she was the one to instigate the break-up.  In simple explanation, the guy did too much too soon for her.  She may have appreciated it at first and it made her heart race, but once he raised his own bar too high then anything below that from there on in became a disappointment to her.  Men have this false hope that if they can collate points early on this will stand them in good stead for the long term.  The problem is that no matter what he does for her, nothing can build or replace emotional chemistry - like she built with the guy who spent nothing on her but she can’t wait to see.  Always remember, gestures always outweigh the cost.  A surprise will always be greeted more warmly than the expectation. 

She means what she says

It is not so much that a man should believe the opposite to what every single woman says in any given situation.  This is more of a case of studying her, drawing on past experiences, but most importantly watching what she does.  A prime example is the long lost favourite that leaves so many nice guys scratching their heads at 3am on a Sunday morning.  A woman may speak unfavourably about a notorious bad boy in a nightclub, and she will mention the lack of genuine and caring men in the world.  She surrounds herself on the dance floor with honest, loyal and supplicated guys in order to try and make her feel better about herself - and then goes home with the jerk at the end of the night.  

She’s too busy to see him / she forgot to call

This is where the weak, desperate and option stricken men of the world fall flat on their faces.  Does she even believe it herself that she is too busy?  It is very doubtful.  Any guy who hears these words needs to grow a pair, look himself with confidence in the mirror and go find someone else.  If a woman wants to be with her man, nothing or nobody will stand in her way.  Even if she has a business meeting she just can’t get out of, if she has feelings for him she will be straight on the phone to arrange the soonest alternative time.  The man who believes her words of this kind is a sad case of a man who can do no better.

He needs to give her more attention

Firstly, allow me to justify any accusations of what may be viewed as contradictions in forthcoming chapters: the majority of females do crave attention over any other aspect of life.  But here’s the thing: she craves for it, but once she receives it she doesn’t necessarily appreciate it.  A clued up man tests a woman, and he doesn’t give needless attention to her in large doses.  This is particularly pertinent to carry this out with the hotter women, but it shouldn’t be dismissed for any woman.  It’s like the scenario of the little nursery kid who searches for the most valuable toy, but once found, it isn’t what she wants or it isn’t as satisfying as she thought it would be.  Furthermore, look at the kind of people who give her bundles of attention - it can be narrowed down to her beta male friends, her lesser attractive female friends, her past beta boyfriends, and her father.  Does she show gratitude towards any of them?  If so, it is very rare.  Is it her knocking on their doors or them knocking on hers?  It is always them doing the chasing, unless she needs something out of it.  Unpredictable and timely attention is fine, but anything above this and she will take it for granted.

She wants to be put on a pedestal

There will always be a stage in a woman’s life, probably on more than one occasion, when she does feel the need to be idolized and infatuated by someone from the opposite sex.  It bounces back to the attention and validation of her worthiness requirements, along with a short term dosage of feeling valued both by her new beta boyfriend and within own inner thoughts.  However, this is a short term fix acting as nothing more than a subscribed medicine to fight her insecurity of believing she cannot be with a higher value male who has his own life going on outside of her world.  To be placed on a pedestal goes against the generic make-up of a woman - she needs a challenge, she needs to fight for her man’s attention and she has to find a way to believe she is the exclusive one for him.  If ever a woman sneakily mentions to a man that she is his princess, he should kindly decline placing the throne on her head.

He should hide the fact other women are attracted to him

This can be a tough one for an inexperienced guy to understand, one who is embarking on his adventure with his new partner.  His instinct is to stay out of the way of other women, blatantly deny they are magnetized towards him, and never talk or flirt with them when his girlfriend is around.  This is logic, as logic always taught him recollections of his ex-girlfriend’s hostile and aggressive look from previous experiences when he did even so much as ask another female for the time.  However, her face may have been born out of jealousy and insecure feelings, but this is far from a bad thing from his point of view.  No woman has desires to be with a man who no other woman finds attractive, and whilst the last thing she wants is for him to cheat on her, she needs to know he holds the tools be unfaithful.  Yes, a balance is required.  It’s no good indiscreetly interacting with other women, as she will only interpret this as someone who is trying too hard to be convincing of his high value or she will think he is too much effort to invest her emotions with.  But again, it boils down to a woman’s competitive and challenging hunger in life and attraction.  She loves the knowledge she has a man that her females peers would give anything to be with.

                 She’s attracted to single men

Here’s a test for a man: walk into a car dealership or a doctor’s surgery, and the service adviser or doctor clearly takes a shine to you whilst maintaining her professional conduct.  Once business is done, you spend a few minutes talking about the impending weekend, and whilst she talks a little you notice the wedding ring on her finger.  You mention her husband and she does not deny anything.  Then you mention your girlfriend and the surprise weekend you have in store for her.  You expect a smile in response to your information, as like her you are in a relationship and seemingly happy.  Yet strangely you sense a hint of disappointment in her eyes.  That face is a picture of further attraction towards you in conjunction with an air of confirmation you can satisfy another woman.   

Now place a single woman in your presence.  You would expect her to be entirely happy to hear the words of “I’m single too.”  Some would be so, but many more would be further attracted with the words of “actually I’m seeing someone, but we will see if we are meant to be or if we go our separate ways.”  Research indicates to women taking preference to unavailable men in a like for like basis.  Competition, along with validity of the opposite sex being attracted to him from pre-selection proof, are the ingredients mixed in to drive her thought process in this way.

She hates jerks  

A woman’s interpretation of a jerk or bad boy will be different to a man’s equivalent view, but in any case, never believe the apparent sincerity of this statement in her despising these kinds of men.  It can be analyzed until people are blue in the face to the reasons behind women seeking out these men, but when a woman speaks these words they aren’t coming from her visceral feelings.  It’s not so much that she is lying or is intentionally hunting down these guys, as she may well in fact despise how they generally treat her female acquaintances.  Nevertheless, this doesn’t prevent her from being attracted to them.  Lesson here: it isn’t too relevant for a man to be liked by a woman as long as she is attracted to him.

He must act like a true gentleman  

There are movies, teen dramas and novels that allow a woman to be convinced the best men out there are all true gentlemen.  She will let herself believe in her fictitious mind that these men open doors for her, they are polite every moment of the day, and they are punctual all the time even if she is constantly running late.  The problem with this false projection is it isn’t the kind of duties she desires in man to perform continuously in her reality.  Every now and again is fine, but this needs to be intermittent in order to avoid the plateau of the relationship.  If he fails to be unpredictable, where is the mystique, where is the drama, where is the risk, and where is the slight arrogance to this man?  Basically, a woman needs a man to be a man, and a “gentleman” is seen upon as boring.  As a woman coasts through her years she gradually moves away from being involved with the bad boys and moves onto the more gentleman orientated types, but her brain chemistry is static for most of her fertile life.  She just rationalizes more, but this doesn’t mean to say she will be happy with this.  I’ve opened car doors for numerous women and it has rarely resulted in success.  Acknowledgement from them was absolute, but appreciation came in the form of “you’re such a sweet guy, but…”

Romantic films, programmes and books can allow a man to be brainwashed into believing this is the way a woman craves to be treated day in and day out.  Many women will tell him this, and it is all so easy to believe this is the case.  But a man needs to constantly remind himself that this source of information is her supply of escapism, and it goes against the grain of how the female mind works for the majority of time.  Women will claim they look for peace, love and happiness, and I firmly believe they mean this in genuine terms when they speak the words.  Nevertheless, their inner drama facilities within their mentality require more intensity, and their satisfactions come from chasing a man.  They subconsciously know that the most valuable and suited men are ones they have to chase, therefore any man who acts too much in the opposite way only succeeds in reversing the psychological warfare to form belief that he is seeking approval to be with her.  Once she forms this concept, a man is no longer the challenge she requires to sustain the adrenalin of remaining on her toes.

Money and gifts will keep her 

Though few will confess, many women, especially the more physically attractive ones with limited intelligence or career aspirations of their own, are attracted to the more wealthy men or the world.  Money is a powerful tool, and for average looking and below average looking guys it is a great leveler in their competing with better looking counterparts in search of women.  Ninety-nine percent of men, whether rich or poor, are aware of this, and not many will openly admit to it being a way of them attracting women.  It is often the unspoken but non-deniable truth.  However, men can blind themselves to this: money can capture a woman, and it can maintain her interest for a period of time, but a relationship based on these motivators lack one true commodity – emotional connection.  There aren’t too many men with unlimited disposable income to satisfy a materialistic woman’s needs, and even with the men who are cash rich, how long before appreciation turns to expectation?  A man should nip it in the bud early and show a woman he is someone who receives great pleasure in treating her every so often but that he is a guy who could never be with a woman who is an unofficial “gold-digger”.  It’s important to remember that many women who are with a cash rich man are throwing up at the thought of seeing him naked.

              The better looking he is, the more women he will attain for relationships

This is conceivably the biggest myth of all.  Young, good looking guys are the most vulnerable to this belief because quite frankly they have had their early dating experiences with naïve young women who have yet to become insecure, wary and conscious of needing to feel more valuable than the man who walks alongside them.  The theory of a man’s physical appearance conquering all is nothing further from the truth, and handsome men deny or don’t understand this reality, whilst lesser looking can men underestimate their own ability to secure women higher in the looks scale than themselves.

Young, good looking men are most guilty of failing to grasp this ever apparent observational truth.  They fail to acknowledge or believe that women can feel uncomfortable when in the presence of a member of the opposite sex who is equally, or more, physically attractive as her in relative terms.  With this being the case, it is essential that the better looking a man is, the more humble, approachable and attainable he must portray himself.  But so few realize this, and if they receive rejection from one or two women on a night out, they assume they need to pump up their value even more by lifting heavier weights or drinking more protein drinks.  Most women are insecure species, and give them the slightest opportunity to reject a cute guy and that’s exactly what they will do.  It sounds illogical, but that is just simply the way women function, and men need to accept and face up to this.  Women don’t view attraction in the same way as men, and this is all the more evident as they get older.  And these good looking guys are left behind wondering why she is walking hand in hand with that average looking man.

It’s not easy attracting a woman that blows a man’s mind away, and it’s an even harder task to keep her interested.  Once the novelty of sex is over, a man’s occupation isn’t the main aspect of his life that makes him look tired, drained and older.  It is his stress of pleasing women.  What hurts me the most is when a man can be seen slumped on a table - all stressed, cash-strapped, energy stricken and unappreciated.  So much of his expenditures were wasted, and more importantly, they were not required.  He’d be in exactly the same place, or even better off, had he never of tried much at all.