Are all relationships doomed for unhappiness?

 

“If you think before you start, you breath before you end.” 

 

This online viewpoint stood out like a sore thumb to me one day.

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Some couples are so deeply incompatible.

Their value systems, choice of free time activities, senses of humor, energy levels, sleep cycles, physical chemistry, interests and general demeanor all are on completely different planets.

You wonder how they ever got together. The obvious thing for them to do is break up.

But Nope.

They keep moving forward, move in, get married, have kids.

And get divorced 30 years later, 30 years too late.

They one day look in the mirror and realize that time is no longer their friend: they’ve lost to it and are lost in it.

Choose wisely, people. Or pave the long, bitter path of regret.

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By and large, the narrator of this all so common predicament is right.  Men and women are such different species and characters that, absent of the enjoyment of sex (yes, some women do enjoy sex with a small minority of men) and societal birth rate production system requirement, you could make a fair argument that the world would be a better place if a male and female landscape existed on entirely separate environments. 

This may sound harsh, lacking in romance, and cynical to a large extent, however I will stand by this until my dying day.  Do not get me wrong, a tiny and fortunate percentage of men and women are together, and last together, through sincere and uncontrollable love and compatibility, however these are the lucky, or more to the point extremely rare, people out there.

Why so different?

In truth, men and women have never been similar.  Men like sport, women like shopping.  Men like a stress free life, whilst women look for drama and problems.  Men are financially responsible, whilst women hold a belief that their male partner can grow money from his conifer trees.  Men have solid friendships, whilst women bad mouth people at will. 

The list could go on and on, and this was explained in much greater detail shortly after the inception of this blog.  In essence, it takes only the purest (and most likely, dishonest) advocators of love and relationships to lay down the argument that women and men genuinely need each other, outside of the two reasons I offered up top.

You could throw in another reason for a female and male bond, and this is to refrain from loneliness.  A sense of loneliness, to many people, could be perceived as a risk to mental health and potential suicide, therefore even an unhappy relationship is a better option than loneliness.  I would firmly disagree with this concept, because to me it is better to be alone and not lonely, than to be lonely but not alone.  The lights are on but there is nobody at home, so to speak.

The biggest contributor to unhappiness and resentment…

Men and women inevitably come to resent each other, and I go along with what the narrator alludes to in so far that marriage compounds this resentment and unhappiness.  Whilst the extremes of love and exhilaration with a member of the opposite sex on one side compared to distaste and bitterness on the other side is not a direct link to and consequence of marriage, the rigours of marriage (mainly financial oriented) allow an easier and quicker destination to the natural side of despair.

Nevertheless, and once more with marriage as the main fuel supplying the engine in this respect, I hold the firm opinion that the biggest contribution towards unhappiness and resentment to each other is as follows:

·       A man resents his female partner not being as physically attractive as when he met her.  Sometimes this resentment is a natural consequence of female ageing, to which he should hold greater compassion and understanding towards her, even if he still resents life for allowing it to happen.  Other times though it is down to her lack of effort and inclination to stay thin and as attractive as plausibility allows, and when this is the case, as often it is, his resentment can be justified to a larger degree.

·       A woman resents her male partner for not supplying her with the ‘Ken and Barbie’ fairy tale life that brings about a bigger house than they live in, much more disposable income than they attain, higher status cars than they own, and kids in better schools than they educate in.  When she sees her friends and female acquaintances apparently living a more successful life in this manner, her resentment towards said male partner who is not providing this, escalates further still.

In a nutshell, everything else to the above explanation is a mere side show.  Simply put, men desire their female partners to stay young, thin, and attractive for all of time, and women expect their male partners to supply things beyond their means in order to keep up a lifestyle that can be exploited to friends, family, colleagues, and on social media.  Neither factor is feasible, but neither party (in particular, women) are understanding of this reality.

Are there any answers to prevent eventual unhappiness?

I would love nothing more than to be the writer of a story with a happy ending, but hand on heart I am struggling to find one for couples in the modern era.  I think this applies even more so for couples who were born post 1990, where the materialistic and social media world has contributed heavily to a predicament that I do not wish to live in.

With this said, from a man’s perspective I can think of a couple of mitigations that would reduce eventual unhappiness and resentment of his better half. 

First, he could be up front and honest with his female partner that the live beyond his means and keep up with the Jones lifestyle makes him want to vomit, and it is not a life he wishes to ever be led down.  Whilst this approach is certainly not a bullet proof strategy, you will find more women than not will without hesitation depart from you if they hold desires for a man to provide her with this life.  If she stays, and on sincere terms, then she loves you for who you are, and not what you are.

Second, he can abstain from marriage.  A man cannot control a woman he is nailing getting pregnant, however to this day there is still no (western) law to state he must marry the woman he is with.  With this in mind, I go back to the age old phrase someone once told me.  That is, for as long as a woman is not married to a man, she still holds a motivation to be charming, and in association to stay as physically attractive as possible.  Once the wedding cake has been sliced, the incentive on her part has been lost for ever. 

A final thought

The ending the narrator documents is quite a sad one.  He is effectively saying that time is nobody’s friend, and time waits for no man.  If this is what he is saying, and I strongly suspect it is, then he is not half right about this.

It does not really make any difference if you got married or not, because there are very few (honest) people out there who can look at their life thirty years later and say that time did not go too fast.  I know I cannot.  You know when time is going too quick when a four year reoccurring event like the Olympics or World Cup comes around again, yet it only seems like two years since the last one, and not double this period as it is.  In essence, time is moving at twice the speed you can take it all in.

What you can control however is the decisions within your power.  Nobody forces you to get involved with the wrong woman in the first place.  Nobody forces you to remain with her, even if your penis says so, stay concurrent to your mind saying get the hell out.  Even if she does contrive a pregnancy, there is no law directing you have to stay with her especially if, deep down, you know she is not right for you.  There is certainly no obligation to get married, irrespective of the social network, family or society pressures that will inevitably dive your way.

You have one shot at life, and unless technology one day finds an unlikely way, you do not encounter your final days knowing you have the reassurance of doing it all over again.  Every day is a blessing, and the decisions you make decipher how blessed these days are.  Use them wisely, and at the same time let me leave you with this phrase:

“Marriage is like a series of opposing reflections, inverse images getting ever smaller like nesting dolls, each one of you trying to squeeze yourself smaller to fit inside the hopes of the other, until one of you cracks or stops existing.”

Never kiss ass younger men

 

                         “Being a poorer version of your true self is more enriching than                            being a better version when trying to be someone else.”

  

Perhaps subconsciously and only acknowledged retrospectively, but the fundamental reason dawned on me recently to why I lost my passion for football (soccer).  Considering how I once loved the game, and somewhat hero-worshipped a few of the high profile players when I was a kid, makes this a sad state of affairs, but I can only be honest with myself to the true reasoning.

In essence, I reached an age in my life when I became older than the average professional footballer.  Whilst nobody (or very few honest people) enjoys becoming older (although there are advantages where age acts as a benefit, especially for men), when the years tick by it is just an accepted cycle of life.  You live via a linear curve from a new-born baby to grasping your final breaths, whether that finale results in illness, tragedy, or simple father time.

I have, in the main, been a reasonable acceptant of the all so common psychological predicament of knowing you are getting older.  Not everyone is so lucky, or maybe mentally strong, in this respect, as they struggle to navigate through the path of life that is becoming older.  I am a firm believer that, when you hear about celebrities committing suicide in their thirties and forties, this is a by-product of not yielding favourably to the “what once was” memory, and once the attention on themselves is not close to what it once was, they decide to live in peace rather than live in recollection.  This view of mine may seem harsh and cynical, but this blog was never designed for politically correct language and explanation. 

A pitiful sight in football

Going back to why I lost my passion for the game then, it emerged in my mind that a number of friends and acquaintances were idolizing footballers – sometimes footballers a full decade their junior – and consequently kissing their asses to a degree and sight where I almost desired to puke up.  It was a pitiful living delivery in full hands over eyes.  Not that I am a believer of kissing any other man for that matter, but when it is a younger man who is the recipient of this idolization, it becomes all that more cringeworthy.

As someone who has spent his whole adult life trying to be the best product of the person I can be, you can imagine scenes and verbalizations of this kind – older men kiss assing younger men – were too much for me to take.  Ultimately, I was left with a choice.  I could either ridicule them all for it, which almost certainly would have made me the bad guy in all this, and they would have likely held it against me, or I leave the scene entirely.  The latter option was naturally the easiest and most sensible one to take.

Other men as role models?

Not that I am against a man having role models, or perhaps more in my case, men who I admire in terms of their character and demeanour, and, to a lesser extent, their look and style.  For example, I look up to the late Nelson Mandela for his sacrifices, courage, and clear approachability in spite of his worldwide fame.  I am inspired by the talent and charisma of Will Smith and Justin Timberlake.  The appearance and elegance of Enrique Iglesias, Cristiano Ronaldo and Matteo Berrettini receive my instant admiration.

Nevertheless, all the six men mentioned are seen in my eyes as simply human beings where I look to improvise my whole self, in manifesting to devise the best version of myself that plausibility allows, and that limitations restrict.  I look at all the good aspects of my grandparents, parents, and brother, simultaneous to aspiring in refraining from allowing their bad parts sneak onto my persona.  Sometimes the negatives from your ancestors and siblings are within your control to eradicate, but unfortunately other times the genetics are too strong a force to compete with.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         If you accept your weaknesses, you are in a much better position to suppress, mitigate and even possibly remove them gradually and entirely.  When a person strolls though life thinking they are right about everything, they continue to be wrong for an indefinite time.  Often this time is forever.

The gym kiss asser

To wrap this post up, if ever there is a man (Craig) you would strive to not be like in this respect, it is the man I am about to explain.  He is about thirty-seven in age.  I feel a little bad speaking of him this way because his heart is in the right place and he is much friendlier and sociable than the average person in today’s world, however he just gets it all horribly wrong.

I believe a large proportion of his kiss assing exploitation is a consequence of his small man syndrome, insecurity, and inability to just be comfortable within his own environment.  The most confident men you will find are those who can just blend into an environment, get on with their duties, yet feel no necessity to talk to anyone around.  Your gym time is a prime example of this advice.

Unfortunately, in Craig’s case, he always seems inclined to talk to anyone he either knows well, or barely at all.  Add on his annoying high volume voice (you can hear what he is saying from thirty yards away), and it is all the more crushing to what people must think of him.

One instance, there was this man benching dumbbells sat next to me.  I would say he is a few years younger than Craig.  He was lifting fairly impressive weights, however Craig felt the need to go and compliment him on it, and ask him how he does it.  It is beggars belief to me in terms of what a man has to gain by doing what Craig did.

If this was not bad enough though, he engages numerous men a decade or more younger than him, sucking up to them and asking them all about how they do that, or how good they are at this.  I just feel like saying to him - be your own man, mate.

A final thought – how do women construe this?

Any honest woman will tell you that seeing an older man kiss assing a younger man is maybe the quickest way to lose any sexual attraction onto him, on the basis there was some attraction in the first place.  It is detrimental enough if she saw him standing in awe of an older man, but this is slightly more forgiving.  If she sees him adulating a man his junior, she is only going to think he has very little to offer.

Because, simply put, there is very little, if anything, that an older man should need to learn off someone quite a bit younger.  Occasionally there will be, however by and large this should not be the case. 

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                  Years equate to age.  Age equates to experience.  Experience equates to learning.  Learning equates to wisdom.  Wisdom equates to self-mastery. 

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                         If you find yourself soliciting a man younger than you, it may be a good time to commence contemplating how you can improve yourself, and how you can become a better version of yourself.

What did you learn too late in life?

 

                 “When you miss a great opportunity, the human tendency is to compensate                      in seeking lesser versions of what you missed out on.”

  

This article of soul searching philosophy left me with a pausing moment, and retrospective contemplation to how it related not only to my own life, but other lives too.  I add my own comment below each of the narrator’s points.

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1.     Looks absolutely do matter. It's biological. As a fully grown man I have come to accept this.

 

This very much depends on the gender.  For a woman, physical looks are very important in achieving the best life for herself.  The better looking a woman, the far more likely she is to secure a male partner who is higher in wealth and status.

 

For a man, physical looks are far less important.  Being good looking as a man should, if he is astute in life with regards to how to take advantage of this blessing, transfer to a more confident male human being which will radiate onto women he would like to have sex with.  Nevertheless, this is not his good looks per se that ignites the most appeal for said woman to pursue with him.  As has been explained inundated times on this blog, being very good to great looking as a man will usually be counterproductive in pursuit of women.

 

2.     Intelligence also matters a great deal. You will sometimes have seconds to make a life altering decision and no one will be there to advise you.

 

Intelligence is not a dissimilar explanation to looks, yet in a kind of way it works as an inverse dynamic.  As a woman, being intelligent is not hugely important.  It is not even close to being as critical as beauty.  The times intelligence is important to a woman is if she harbours ambitions to maximize her career and earnings potential.  Also, intelligence will offer her a better opportunity to being spotted by very wealthy, and equally intelligent, men.

 

As a man, intelligence is vital in so far that being intelligent will in majority cases lead to better opportunities for a lucrative career.  Therefore: if intelligence manifests money and status, money and status subsequently attracts the most sought after women.  With all this considered though, male intelligence in isolation is only truly important to (the very low percentage of) intelligent women.  As most women are not highly intelligent, being too intelligent as a man will actually put off most women.

 

In terms of having seconds to make a life altering decision, I strongly disagree with this.  Most scenarios in life will allow you to take a deep breath, ask for a night to sleep on it, and make the consequential decision days or even weeks later.  You could say it is relatable to calling a timeout in sport.  If he is referring to being put on the spot in saying the right thing at an important meeting or when chatting up a woman he would like to bang, then I would agree more that thinking on the spot becomes crucial.  With that said, the smartest people out there have a way of answering a question without answering the question, and still leave an audience or recipient convinced with the answer.

 

3.     If you have a positive attitude you will draw people to you like Gravity.

 

I would fully agree with this.  Positivity is hard not to be drawn to unless you a person who pitifully thrives on being negative and miserable.  If your attitude is positive, the vast majority of people in life will see you in brighter lights.

 

4.     You need to decide which of those people is worth your time.

 

Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.  We have all been guilty of spending too much time, money and exertion on those who could not give a crap about us and only are about themselves.  Conversely, we have all also been culpable of spending too little of our endeavours and concern on those who care about us. 

 

The best example of this life misdirection is in the face of women when choosing men.  How many women have you known who go running to, or back to, men who treat them like dog poo?  Equally, how many women do you know who treat men like garbage – men who have gone beyond the call of duty in trying to make her happy?

 

5.     Don't waste your time on people who will forget about you in half a second if you stop giving them attention.

 

Pretty much the same explanation as above.  Ultimately what the narrator is saying here is that you are dealing with an attention seeker and narcissist if a person is only interested in themself and what the world carpet lays down for them. 

 

I would say that, taking both 4. and 5. together, my biggest mistakes and learning paths in life came from these situations.  I spent far too much of my early life chasing after people (both women and friends) who could not give a shit about me, and not spending those respective efforts on the people who did have my best interests at heart.  If nothing else though, these big mistakes have allowed me to rectify what I should have done then, to what I always do now.

 

6.     Many peoples affection for you extends no further than their use for you.

 

Another fair and true point.  Ultimately, he is saying that people will use you until you have nothing left to offer them.  Once your use is done, they will move onto someone and something else that loads up a new arsenal of expectation ammunition. 

 

Once more, if you spot a person like this in your life, give them no more than what you need to in order to maximise the well-being of yourself.

 

7.     Don't waste time worrying about the past.

 

Whilst easier said than done, in essence he is right.  Regrets make you old, and bitterness poisons the people around you.  You cannot change the past, but you can determine your future to an extent.

 

The reason I stress to an extent, is because for every year I live, I have come to terms that a large proportion, maybe even a huge proportion, of a person’s life is down to what is written in the stars.  This applies for both good and bad things that occur, no matter how hard it may be to accept the misfortunes and tragic conundrums there and then.  It is almost like the big man in the skies, or maybe people who are no longer with us who we had an impact on their lives, are looking down in conducting good and bad luck in mapping out our destiny, and deciding which path we should take.

 

With all this considered, it should be an even greater reinforced mentality to form that you should not worry about the past.  Human nature will always dictate in forcing us to reminisce, but in the end our stress levels and misery are magnified by looking back, and our happiness and hope derives from looking forward.

 

8.     Don't waste time being anxious about the future. Life can change on a dime.

Very much so.  Whilst looking forwards is generally healthier than looking back, many people are liable to worry about the future too.  Whether that be a lack of money, possible loneliness, problems at work, or any other possibility the future may bring, fate will usually deliver what it wants to.

As an investor in the financial markets, I can testify for the errors people, and myself included, have encountered in overthinking, overcomplicating, and placing too much faith in what they believe is a certainty to happen.  Life can change on a dime.  You just need to be there at the time it does, in being mentally strong enough to cope with the negatives, yet not getting carried away with the positives.

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A final thought

I was only thinking the other day about public speaking.  I have never been a natural, or someone who is comfortable, in public speaking.  What has made it easier over time, however, is having far less concern to what the audience think of me.  Some people will like me, others will not.  No skin off my nose either way.

I am a great believer that my life improved, in a psychological capacity, when I stopped worrying about what people thought of me in a general capacity.  I realised that I would never please everyone, therefore even if it is only a small minority of people who like me, I will not lose an ounce of sleep over the majority who are averse to my character.  You get on with your life, and I will get on with mine…

I have an older brother who clearly has grown to dislike my character.  If he had an honest bone in his body and he was put on a lie detector so his life depended on it, he would know my opinion of this is correct.  His body language and facial expressions when I am in close proximity to him is as negative, and even acrimonious, as two active eyes could see, and what a candid mind would marinate.

What is most disappointing is that I do not particularly like his character either, but the difference is I have always accepted it, and people of similar personality, for what life is all about.  It would be boring if everyone was like him, and likewise if everyone was like me.  The beauty of life, in my view, is the vast numbers of different characters that exist.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                            A strong man accepts a differing character to himself, even if he does not enjoy the company of that opposing character.  He shows a way to be pleasant, amiable, and inquisitive towards that person, no matter how disinterested he is in them.  A weak man does the complete opposite, in living in resentment, jealousy and bitterness when an opposing character to himself is around.  And more often, he acts with a lack of interest in said opposing character, in attempts to conceal his transparent feeling of inferiority.

Artificial and unnatural exploitation of love

 

“Many people deny the outward reality by attempting to conceal their inner bitterness.”

  

As a relevant link from this previous post from over four years ago, I came across a somewhat bizarre, yet in other ways predictable, female action a few weeks ago.  Like anything in life, but in particular with women’s emotional habits, what a long time ago once left me with head scratching, now manifests to an instant comprehension.

The scenario

It was a random Friday morning at the gym, and after I had fulfilled my forty-five minute workout, followed by a nice sauna and retrospective shower, I left the male changing room at about 8am.  As you turn out of the changing rooms, it is about a fifteen second stroll to the exit barriers.  That short walk means you see all the cardiovascular trainers to your left, with the machine weights also left side but merely a few yards from your vicinity.

As much as I criticise people for looking down at their phones when walking (the biggest sign of insecurity if ever there was), it is habitual of me to, once turning immediately right outside the changing room, quickly turn on the gym app that allows a member to enter and exit.  After a couple of seconds to do this and subsequently eyes back on the line of sight, I saw a side view of a very nice figured blonde standing next to the one of the shoulder free weight machines.  She looked familiar, but without seeing the front of her face it was not clear to whether I had seen her in there before.

As I walked past her, I got a glance of her boyfriend sitting on the shoulder machine.  He was a blonde haired dude, and above average (but not good or great) in the male physical attractiveness scale from what I could quickly assess.  No surprise on the hot girl with above average looking man dynamic, but blonde with blonde is much rarer, in the UK at least.

As I reached to approximately five yards away from this woman, I noticed how she bent down to, what seemed like, say something to her boyfriend.  As I made it just past her, I just heard a loud kissing noise that all seemed a bit too fake for belief that it was natural and spontaneous.  It all simply came across as that bit too try hard and contrived.

Why would a woman do this?

Now of course, someone could say to me this was just a coexistence, and it was a display of affection and love.  I cannot prove in any way, shape, or form that this was not the case.  Nevertheless, the timing of this huge smack on his lips all just came across that bit too much of a coincidence, and if she did this, coincidentally, in just those ten seconds that it took me to pass her, does this mean she did it about another hundred times throughout their workout?  I have my doubts.

My better judgement, even if seen upon by others as an arrogant and self-promoting view, is that she had seen me in there before, or/and saw me walking towards them.  As women, in particular hot women, have egos that do not take kindly to seeing better looking men than their male partners, especially when the two referenced men are in close real estate that smacks her in the face for real life comparison, this manipulated action of kissing her boyfriend with the highest vocal noise possible was the perennial and typical reaction a woman like her will implement to try and ease her in the moment discomfort, derived from the explained emotion she was going through.

In essence, and as documented in this blog on more than a couple of times, women are torn between a tug of war when it comes to their decisions and psyche with men they see and choose.  On the one hand, a woman has an imperceptible compulsion to be with a man who is lesser looking than her in gender relative terms.  This ticks the box for her enlarged ego, but it reduces the optimum beat of her heart and wetness of her pants.  On the other hand, a woman often knows she could secure a hotter man, on occasions (but rarely) she will act upon this impulse, her heart is telling her she likes him, but her ego is sending messages to go with a safer option and hot him.

Why the resentment of this decision?

The problem is women are not good at making decisions and then consequently accepting them for what they chose to do.  Men, whilst not perfect in accepting making half-hearted decisions in life, are much better at this rationalising process.  In other words, when women make decisions they deep down are not totally happy with, or when they know they could do better, they go looking for other people to blame, or they blame life with resentment.  The last thing they blame is themselves.

This is why then, you find women being hostile towards better looking and more sought-after men in comparison to their boyfriends, fiancés, or husbands.  This negative emotion was illustrated by me in this post when a reader suffered a similar, albeit more acrimonious, reaction from a woman when in a comparable scenario.  Simply put, women are not at ease with this predicament, therefore they go looking for ways to try and counteract this bitter taste in their mouth.

A final thought

Have you ever gone out with your girlfriend, alongside her friends and a couple of the respective female friend’s male partners?  As the night goes on, or sometimes even pretty much from the first drink, you will find a common pattern emerge that only becomes more pronounced for every time you find yourself in the same social dynamic.

Let us just say that there are six women in the group.  Three of the women have male partners with them, and three are on their own and currently single in relationship status.  What you find is none of the women are totally satisfied, and the reasons become transparent the better a man becomes in understanding female emotional psychology.

The single women are jealous of the coupled women, because women’s uncontrollable mindset is to be desired and validated, which is a by-product of being with a man (even if the man is not that sought-after, or not even desired by the single woman).  The more sought-after the man belonging to one of her friends, the greater degree her jealousy sits upon.

Nevertheless, this does not mean it is a jealous free night for the coupled up women either.  Whilst a woman does crave for validation and to have a man directly desiring to be with her and to love her, the force that pulls against this tick in the box is her inner need for drama, fun, gossip, and further admiration (from other men).  Drama, fun, gossip, and flirting/getting off/one night stands with other men will be the luxury only at the disposal of the single girls out that night.

Ultimately, women can never be fully happy.  They want to be loved by a man, but they also want the drama queen life that escorts the single life.  Some women can disengage between the two cycles of life, and they have the maturity to know the two roles cannot, on a wholesale basis, run on a simultaneous period.  Unfortunately, in a world where female maturity is running south concurrent to the drama craving life heading north, most women have difficulties distinguishing, and accepting, the extreme paths each life sits at.

A final, final thought

As a man assessing all this, you have three questions to ask yourself when face on with this conundrum.  First, do you have past knowledge of her being a drama queen, fun loving girl?  Second, has she sincerely (and happily) changed from this life since she has been with you?  Third, are you convinced, should you take it to marriage or kids, that she will never go back to this looking over her shoulder mentality?

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                  Homely girls (girls who have very few female friends, and are not accustomed to or liking of going out a lot) are the best girlfriend and wife material women.  They are also the most loyal and faithful women, and they give you the least stressful life.  The downside, however, is these women are the most notorious for dropping you with the premature and unplanned “I’m pregnant” words you most likely never wanted to hear.

Gym selfies and posing is a huge mistake

 

“Process is an amazing way of changing sentiment.”

  

Whilst I did not see it in person, and had I done so it would have been a mixture of extreme humour combined with rolling my eyes up to my forehead, somebody recently told me that they saw a man in the gym set up a tripod filming set, to subsequently record his workout in full glory.  In my opinion, acts of this kind are big mistakes. 

The following day from being informed about this pitiful living motion, I saw a woman then film her boyfriend when he was performing bicep curls.  I have seen this couple in there before.  They come across as a “poor man’s” attempt to be a local ‘power’ or celebrity couple.  He is fairly good looking, tattoos on both arms and much of legs, and clearly on the juice.  She is also quite hot and in good shape, tattoos on both arms herself, everyday use of sunbeds as clear to see, and despite being well what looks like past her mid-thirties, quite an attractive face.  I would say she is at least three years his senior.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                            A woman being seen with a boyfriend who is both younger than her and as physically attractive as her is a very rare sight.  Nevertheless, it is more common for women to seek out younger men when in the decade between early thirties to late thirties than in any other similar time span in her life.  It is also more prominent for abiding and regular gym women like the woman described (over fake tan, boob implants, very much into her self-exposure etc) to date aesthetically impressive men who are on steroids.

To reiterate, this viewing is rare, but then women like her are scarce in the whole scheme of a female environmental population.  With this in mind, you will have most likely seen a few dedicated female gym trainers – most who have never had kids, and are obsessed with keeping in top shape -  alongside buff men. 

A past mistake

I recall a long time ago now when I was innocently walking from one side of the gym to the other.  As it was early morning and perhaps my full conscious thought-process was wandering somewhat, a woman shouted over to me as I walked past her.

I did not understand a word she said, but she started walking towards me.  As I looked at her, before I could catch my breath, she placed her phone in my hand.  She then proceeded to ask me to film her.  I felt like a right idiot filming her for thirty seconds doing a squat set, but there I was.  One of the big boy trainers ridiculed me for doing so, and in fairness I deserved every bit of it.

In my defence, it all happened a little too quickly for me to react in the corrective manner, and it was during a time in my life when I was a lot more green and naïve.  If the same scenario happened today, there would be an instant message from brain to body to not even take the phone.  In addition to this, I would politely inform her that I am short of time, and that I do not take part in this kind of request.  It goes against my principles.

Of course, whilst it does sincerely go against my principles, the bigger reason in refusing to film a woman in the gym (or any other place for that matter, perhaps with the exception of being with a girlfriend in a wonderful place in the world) is for self-interest on my part and not devaluing other people’s perception and view of me.  Simply put, a man filming a woman, irrespective to it being his girlfriend or worse still a woman he is not banging, comes across as a man who is trying too hard to impress a woman.  A man gets the best out a woman when she is endeavouring to impress him.

Men posing in the gym

With this considered however, a woman posing in the gym (or any other place), taking selfies of herself, or embarrassingly filming herself, will get away with this deliverable much more than a man will.  This is simply because if a woman is hot, most men turn a blind eye to an exhibition act of these kinds due to the male mind primarily being attracted to women who are the most sexually attractive.  He might have knowledge that a woman performing her life this way is a red alert for poor long-term material (although I tend to think most men do not even have this level of comprehension), but he will take oversight due to the rewards that are led to his penis.

On the other hand, a man showboating in the same method will, by and large, be frowned upon by other women.  The lower the confidence of the woman (and do not forget that most women have low confidence), the greater she will be less appealed towards him.  It is always important to note that only famous men can truly get away with elevated level posing and self-attention seeking in the eyes of female onlookers.

For further explanation, female distaste of male posing kind of aligns with female distaste of male physical allure.  Both items prickle her ego.  Whilst a woman may not be less sexually attracted to a man she sees posing (on the basis she was sexually attracted to him in the first place), these acts of posing will deter her thoughts of desiring him as a male partner.  Ultimately, she will perceive him as a bit of a wally, and as a modern day western world woman is obsessed with how she believes the world thinks of her, she sure to hell does not want to be known as the girlfriend with a posing wally of a boyfriend.

 Variables to the above

Like any study of women’s emotional thought-process onto a man, there is sub-vision analysis required which implicates on the severity and forgiveness of his delivery.  I offer a selection:

·       An ugly to below average looking man will hardly ever gain anything from posing in the eyes of a woman, but he will equally not lose any admiration either.  This may sound like a contradiction to all the aforementioned explanation, but quite simply she had zero attraction onto him in the first place, therefore it could not move any further south.  On a rare occasion, an ugly to below average man seen posing could make a woman think he has something to offer beyond his ugliness (maybe she thinks he could be a professional/potential athlete, fitness Youtuber, or personal trainer), and we all know a woman is far more attracted towards a man when she sniffs money and social status.

·       Average looking men will follow a very similar path to ugly and below average men in the question of posing.  There will be very little difference, other than an average looking man naturally will have more female suitors (even if most are not sought after women) than uglier men, all else being equal.

·       Above average looking men need to tread carefully when posing.  In normal circumstances, there is no better position in the linear scale of male physical attractiveness than being above average looking (7/10 to 7.75/10).  An above average looking man has a woman’s emotional ego in a perfect position – she finds him attractive, but he does not put her nose out of joint by being too easy on the eye.  Nevertheless, should he start to pose too often and too blatantly, this luxury of a woman’s ideal emotional temperament can be thrown down the toilet.

·       Men at the high end of male physical attractiveness should avoid being seen posing at all costs.  A woman already feels intimidated, inferior, and ego damaged in seeing men at the top end of male aesthetic beauty, therefore posing will only further alienate and distant her intentions in being with him that much further.

·       In respect to all the above, if a man holds high social status and wealth, the negative consequences regarding his degree of posing will be mitigated to a large extent.  A woman is easily put off by a man when he does something she does not like, and she is very unforgiving in any wrong move he makes (whether it be her male partner or just a man she knows/sees), however these displeasing sights or acts are put to one side when she has something to gain which is a greater incentive than the things that enforce irritation in her mind.

What is the solution / what do I do?

When all said and done, let me start with the simple part.  In no way, shape or form should a man take pictures of himself, film himself, or, as shameful and shameless as it gets, set up filming equipment to do so.  Let that be the foundation of this post, if nothing else.

With that said, gym mirrors are there for a reason.  It would be a bit weird if you faced away from the mirror during a set performance, therefore use the mirror for, and only for, the time you perform that set.

Amalgamating the two therefore, I think I have perfected the happy medium of what to do in the gym. 

1)    During a set, I focus entirely on the mirror to assess my form and technique.  This viewing of myself is far more with focus on a mind to muscle signal, as opposed to the necessity of how good I am looking.

2)    Once the set is complete, if it is a standing exercise I look away from the mirror, and use the short rest period as an opportunity to stretch out and take a small sip of water.  Occasionally I may even have a discrete letch at an impressive looking woman in there, before focusing once more on the next set.

3)    If on a bench exercise, once the set is complete I stand up and stretch/sip again in facing away from the mirror.

4)    If the mirror is in a more isolated part of the gym when performing a bench exercise, if possible post set I will stretch out in facing the brick/plasterboard/timber wall as opposed to looking in the mirror.

5)    Once all sets are finished, I quickly move on to the next exercise and area in the gym.

What all this results in is not allowing any woman to think I am too into myself, concurrent to them knowing I am a serious and dedicated trainer. 

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                 Women will look for any reason to believe dating a good looking man is not a good decision.  Do not make this decision easy for them.

Life lessons in dealing with women

 

“The biggest lessons in life derive from your mistakes and failures rather than your triumphs and accomplishments.  You just need to ensure the latter evolves from the former.” 

 

I picked up on this article via a daily link that arrives to my inbox.

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Today is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I didn't text or call her from past 6 months so today I called her. The conversation went on something like this....

Me: Hey, happy birthday!!

She: Thankyou. By the way who is this??

Me: Guess...

She : Adithya??

Me : Thank god u remember me, how are you doing? I heard that u qualified in JEE mains

She : Yeah, well that's not such a great thing to brag about (irritated)

Me: Its okay yar, not a problem, prepare well for advanced..

She: Dude, I'm actually outside now and phone's battery is about to die, so shall we talk some other day?

Me: How much percentage of charge is left?

She: Hung the call

Later I checked in whatsapp, she was online almost all the time. I had such a heavy schedule, but still I managed to call her and tried to talk. But the way she responded was so devastating.

This incident has taught me a great lesson in my life….

“Don't waste your time in convincing useless people because they never appreciate your value in their life"

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My introductory thoughts

There will be very few (honest) men out there who have not, at least once in their life, replicated this kind of mistake or poor choice of actions as the narrator does so in this scenario.  I know I have, and on more than a couple of occasions. 

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         It is an applauding trait to face up to your mistakes, shortcomings, or poor judgements.  It is an incredibly poor trait to never do so.                       

With this said, the only way a man can learn to better execute in future decision-making with female interaction is to not consistently return to the mistakes once made.  You can forgive one error, maybe two or three, but sooner rather than later it is not a half bad idea to nip them in the bud.  If you primarily do not learn from your own life experience, and secondary you do not understand what you see with your own two eyes via others, the unwelcome news is there is not a better source out there to assist you.

The key mistakes

There are a number of mistakes this man makes, based on the information he declares in his shared story.  I will list the mistakes and poor assessments on his part, along with the easy factors he should have comprehended in order to refrain from this apparent poor common sense delivery.

·       On the assumption the ex-girlfriend never contacted him (it is highly unlikely she did, based on him saying he never contacted her), there was no reason for him to contact her in the first place.  I do not care if it is her birthday, in fact any man getting on with his life would have let the day pass by without conscious awareness.

·       Even if her birthday came before his birthday since the split six months ago, he should have installed a mindset that if this was the chronological case, she would not have sent him any wishes in the slightest.

·       If there has been no contact in six months, you can place your house on the fact she was getting on with her life, in conjunction with truly little (if any) passing thought towards him. 

·       Any woman still in love with a man will have sent messages of some kind post parting of ways, especially in the preliminary stages when her heart is still achy, and she is hanging onto hope that the two will reconcile.

·       The vast majority of women will not stay single for six months.  He should have assumed she is either in a relationship with another man, or she is in something more casual (but still sexual) with another man.

·       Why did he call her after six months of no contact?  At most, and still not advised, he should have only sent a two word WhatsApp message.  Her response (or lack of) would have given him the signs to whether she is wanting to get it back on, or she is after nothing more than a bit of attention-seeking for a day or two.

·       Her first reply of “Who is this” is an insult to a man who was once her ex-boyfriend (kind of makes me wonder if the whole thing meant a lot more to him than it did to her, even at the time.  Was he even nailing her!?).  If she genuinely (and I very much doubt this was the case) no longer attained his number on her directory, then this is not a good signal.  If she (as I expect was the case) played the plausible deniability card that she did not recognise the number, then this is also not a good sign – as a woman still into a man would not gamble like this (granted, some immature women do this just to play the hard to get game).

·       His “Thank god you remember me” line is dire in order to try and get a woman to like you in a sexual manner.  Any man coming across like he is grateful to be with a woman is a man who will not succeed.  A woman needs to believe she is at least as gratified to be with a man as the inverse.  In an ideal world, she is even more happy to know him than he is joyful to know her.

·       Similar to the above, he gets it all wrong by being the obvious chaser.  Women are more aroused by and attracted to a man when they chase him.

·       If you are trying to nail a woman – whether at interaction stage or in attempts to reconvene what once was – being called “Dude”, “Mate” or similar is not what a man should desire to hear.  If it was “Babe” or “Hun”, this is a more positive sign she may want more (however, do not take this as a major positive in text language alone).

·       As soon as she cooked up the desperate lie of a flat phone battery, that is enough evidence, if there was not enough present beforehand for him, to know she is bullshitting and is not interested.  If she had simply claimed she was late for a meeting but would love to pick up later, then it would have been more believable.  An average phone battery will have at least eight hours of life; therefore, it is somewhat coincidental that after a minute of conversation with him, it is going flat.

·       His “How much percentage of charge is left?” question is the mother of all desperation and supplication.  It is one thing to be lied to by a woman, but to subsequently come across as believing her, and further still clinging onto any last grasp of her existence, just makes a lesser man out of yourself.

·       Hanging up on the call, even for the most naïve and blue balls man, has to be the final nail in the coffin to any pitiful grasp of hope that the woman likes you in a sexual endeavouring way.  For your own sake, move onto something else.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                   Such is the constant and guilt free process women take in lying to men (and lying to themselves and others too), a man will find it extremely hard to control a woman’s lying habits.  What a man can control is his pride, dignity, and decisions to bin her once he realizes said woman is a constant liar.  Take control of what you own, and your life will be a happier one.

Has the man learnt from this?

Without knowing the man, or without ever mentoring him in any such capacity, it is unknown whether he learnt from these mistakes, or he continued in the same exercise with the next woman he met (or God forbid, the same woman once more).  I can only pray for him that the pennies did drop.

He did seem to be incredibly upset, and for that he has my greatest and sincerest sympathies.  I have been there myself, and I know readers of this blog have been there also.  I can guarantee you that any man saying he has not, is a liar.

To his credit, he did write the corrective words at the end.  In essence, he is effectively saying that she does not deserve his efforts.  My only concern for him, and many men who act like him, is that they say the right things in not being prepared to be treated like dog shit by a woman again, but they rinse repeat with the same deficiencies when love encounters down the line.

A final thought

You may or may not have noticed, at the time of the man writing, that the two of them were junior doctors.  May I point out that a doctor in the medical sector – whether still within the education institute or fully practicing – are commonly seen as the <1% of professional, educated, and intelligent people out there.

Two things come to mind on this matter.  First, it further illustrates that no matter how educated, intelligent, or highly professional in career status a man may be, this does not compensate for his knowledge level of emotional psychology savviness when dealing with women.  Based on observing numerous men in this compartment lacking experience with women, I would even go as far to say that these men are the men who are the ineptest with women, and they leave the scene of crime with the heaviest hearts.  That said, a lot of these men do tend to go for less attractive (Plain Jane) types of women, therefore their receipt of broken hearts and sustained lying to is mitigated to a considerable extent.

Second, do not think that it is only lower class, lower educated, or less intelligent women who are most prone to lying to and playing immature games with men.  Whilst I would argue that you are more likely to encounter these habits with women in this group (such is a lower class or low intelligent woman’s greater need for drama, problems and issues), it simply reinforces the proof that, if it means moving away from one man and onto a better male option, a woman who belongs to this higher class/intelligence/educated segment will happily lie and manipulate until the cows come home if it means moving up the food chain ladder, so to speak.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                         If you an intelligent man yourself, the only difference between a lower intelligence woman and a higher intelligence woman is that you will naturally find the latter more enjoyable to be with than the former.  Nevertheless, your mentality approach should be that you cannot trust one of them any more than the other.