Some men will never warm to you

 

                              “Nothing is little to him who feels it with great sensibility.”                                  (R.H. Blyth) 

 

I could lay testimonies to dozens of men who epitomise what I will write within this post subject, but I will pick on this particular example for the purpose of self-amusement and recent reflection.

I recall a man (Richard) in the gym I went to a while ago.  From first impression based on nothing more than life experience, he struck me as a bit of a wannabe Ladies Man.  For summary of what I class as a wannabe (as opposed to actual) Ladies Man, I offer you these usual signs.

·       Usually middle aged men, but they can sometimes be men even younger than thirty.

·       Often small business owners, or in a middle to senior management or director position within their employer hierarchy.

·       Average looking facially (as >95% of men are).

·       Overweight to average body profile (but not significantly obese).

·       Average height (occasionally short men too).

·       Arrogant, and into their own self-importance – measures of which are way above their objective value.

·       Prevalent in not so discretely broadcasting their popularity and success with women (usually with no proof).

·       Bullies and ridiculers. 

·       Like the sound of their own voice.

·       Poor listeners.

·       Often not the most intelligent in a natural sense (even though they may have made it up the employment ladder via other sources).

·       Antagonistic towards objectively more sought after men.

In case you have not worked it out yet, I dislike these types of men very much.  I pity them equally.

The man at the gym

Back to the man I referenced above.  As I always do, irrespective of my first impression of any man or woman, I give someone a clean piece of paper in terms of judging them on the person they are when interacting with me.  Occasionally my first thought can be a little array from the actual persona.  Usually however, my first impression is pretty much on the money.

In his case, the latter prevailed.  I remember sitting in a spin class not long after I had finished my radiotherapy treatment.  I was near full visual recovery at that stage.  As the class was a 50/50 split of women and men – which included mainly mediocre women, with two to three reasonable looking – I sensed the first time I sat down on a bike that he looked at me with distaste. 

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                       As explained in this previous post, men of such kind – wannabe ladies men and men who think they are alpha males – hold an instant discomfort, jealousy, dislike, and acrimony towards men who are more physically attractive in a pronounced manner.  In essence, men wrongly think that women are attracted to men in the same way men are attracted to women (based primarily on physical allure).  Whilst women are sexually attracted to men of the highest physical attractiveness, unlike men’s screening for women, most women opt to select less physically attractive men as their male partners.

Another time that stands out is when I was doing my hair in the toilet area mirror (hence outside the main changing room).  He walked in, and straight away in a ridiculing fashion said – “Oohh, do I look okay!”

The idiot was clearly trying to have a go at me, entwined with his instinctive envy, negativity, and hostility towards me.  If I had my time back, I would have given him as much, if not more, ridiculing comments back.  I guess I was not quick witted enough on the spot. 

I cannot quite remember if anyone else was in the toilet area at the time.  Logic would suggest there was (maybe someone was taking a shit !?), because pathetic bullies are renowned for speaking out in these moments with a safety in numbers mentality.  In any case, the principle is the same.  He still had the comfort of other people around (the changing room is literally a wooden door away), therefore his choice to say what he did at that particular moment ran in true predictability.

On other instances when I have struck up chit chat with him, his unease with my presence is all too clear to see.  He just talked about himself, and never asked any questions in return.  Once more, a predictable habit of someone who feels inferior next to another, but who tries to conceal this inferiority complex by talking and self-promoting themselves.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 When you work human psychology out, and you fathom the way people act even when you do not like their conduct, life becomes a lot less infuriating.

A later comparison of his differing behaviour

A couple of years down the line, when I had now joined another gym, and I went for a coffee with a friend of mine who was also a member of the previous gym I referenced.  He started to tell a story which included a really friendly and engaging type of man.

When my friend mentioned the name “Rich”, I asked him if he meant the same man.  It clearly was him, because as much as the physical similarities we both described for him, we both mentioned the building products company he owned.

My friend could not have spoken more highly about him.  Nevertheless, I could not just sit there without saying that, as much as I believe what he says, it has been transparent from my interactions with Richard that he has not been so amiable. My friend was taken back a little by my words, but we left it at that.

The easy conclusion to Richard’s polar opposite demeanour is this.  My friend is a chap in his sixties, with naturally no urge (or appeal) to hit on attractive or half-decent women in the gym.  Compare that to myself, who he sees as a major obstacle in his quest to attract these women.  It does not take a genius, therefore, to see why there is such a difference.

A final thought

It is kind of amusing, because this post takes me down a memory lane trip with regards to my early ventures to America.  At the time I did not think much to this, but it all collates into a common theme.

I am certainly not saying this applied to all men (I recall one really friendly and likeable young man in a hotel gym in Charlotte who I spoke to, and he was quite a good looking guy himself), however it struck me how many native men appeared belligerent or unengaging around my presence. 

As American men, in my opinion and experience, are the most competitive men in the world in terms of their endeavours to attract and mate with women (in particular the most sought after women), it retrospectively derives as no surprise that they did not enjoy a man of my look as a potential competitor.  Throw in the British accent to assist (most American women love the male British accent), and voila monsieur, the natural consequence is a man who cannot control himself to a defaulted unfriendliness. 

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                  Once people stop becoming bitter, jealous, antagonistic, and disengaging towards you, it is time to accept that you no longer hold a desirability, social standing or/and importance level that you once owned.  Sometimes your biggest frustrations in life can be a by-product of your greatest blessings.

Can relationships be happy over time?

 

“To loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?” 

 

There was always a phrase I recall as a kid that was used in many films or TV programs.  I would expect nearly everyone has heard it before:

“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

Back then, it simply passed my mind as an obvious saying.  Nearly everybody desires to partake in the feeling of love, therefore even if it does not work out, you will always have the experience that cannot be taken away.  Fast forward to today, and I would still go by this consensus, however there is a bit more to it than meets the eye:

A recent movie

I recently by accident came across a low budget movie on Prime Video.  The movie itself will not stay in my memory for very long, however the dynamic possessed a somewhat greater appeal.  In summary, a woman was married to her extraordinarily rich, but over-controlling and serious, husband.  Her suffocation due to his dictatorship caused her to have an affair with a loser – no job, no money, no ambition etc – of a male lover (albeit a nice enough guy), however for a brief period of time she could not take the smile off her face.  It was like the lead weight had been taken off her back, and she could finally breathe in some air.

As she and her lover lay in bed, the man actually made a striking point.  His words were (in particular reference to her interface with both him and her husband):

“You can have everything, but if you are unhappy, your life will be a pile of shit.  And you can have nothing, but if you are happy, your life will not be a pile of shit.”

In a way, the rest of the plot was predictable.  After a bit more fun and sex with the loser, she gets caught up in a drugs raid where he is arrested.  She consequently sees him for what he is – someone who could not realistically provide for her – in most categories, past a phase of a few weeks.  Conversely, the husband most likely gave her what she needed a few years ago – marriage, money, and security – yet the thought of being with him forever makes her want to vomit.

Speaking of vomit, she ends up getting pregnant.  It was most likely the loser’s seed, although it also turned out that she had two abortions when with her husband.  One scene in the film showed the husband explaining to someone that she had two miscarriages.  Read into this what you will.

I am going to keep this post short, because there is plenty of literature and assigned posts which cover this topic in detail.  Nevertheless, in the modern western world it really is difficult to be happy over a longer period of time.

Who is most to blame – women or men?

Both.  In essence, women want more from men that what they (the women) can realistically expect or what men can feasibly provide, whilst men want a pie in the sky life where their female partners stay as attractive as when she was younger and when they first met.  Whilst the former scenario is highly unlikely in comparison to the latter scenario being impossible, the one common factor is that neither are satisfied with the outcome.  Babies and material things can paper over the cracks for a time, but it will pretty much always come back to haunt.

Divorces creep up to a near one in two rate, yet even this high ratio does not tell the full story.  Of the half that do stay together, how many are still miserable and just plodding on because they cannot get out without it having drastic ramifications on their life?  I would say this accounts for forty percent, therefore, looking at it from optimistic eyes, this leaves a lucky one marriage out of every ten who are genuinely happy.

Long term cohabitation couples who are not married (and in particular if they do not have children) will be a little happier in my opinion, but the recipe of distaste towards their partners still follows the same path.  It just takes longer to get there.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         It is easy to make a woman happy in the short term of a relationship cycle.  Her massaged ego and validation needs alone produce this happiness.  The medium term brings about reduced happiness, bordering onto unhappiness.  As far as the long term is concerned, this is when unsavoury and frustration emotions take over at best, to abominate and resentment feelings at worst.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 Never finding a woman who you stayed with for a considerable number of years can be viewed upon like this.  You most likely never reached the peak or trough of happiness and unhappiness respectively, but your average happiness level over the equivalent period of time would have been higher.  Your stress levels will have been much lower too, which should mean you currently stand in better health than otherwise.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                            Marriage, or even long term relationships, are near on irrelevant when you are that dying man reflecting on your life.  You will only remember the love and happiness you acquainted with women, irrespective to whether you were with her for a lifetime or a month.