Friday 19 January 2024

Get out at the first red alert


                                      “You may only succeed if you desire succeeding;                                                                               you may only fail if you do not mind failing.”                                        (Philippos)


A red alert via a woman’s action/s should be a man’s confirmation, which is usually confirmation retrospective of earlier suspicions and tell tale signs, that the time has come to move onto something else.  This man needs to offer no more words than the below predicament he once found himself mixed in.

“We had a fight about her sleeping over at her ex's house. She insisted it wasn't a big deal. When I asked her how she would feel if I had a sleep over with my ex she said it was different. I said yeah, we didn't live together and weren't engaged, you were. She then said if I didn't trust her to have sleep overs with other men then it was my problem to figure out. I left and told her her stuff at my house would be outside, come get it before it garbage day or it was going in the can.”

Time to say goodbye

On the basis this man’s actions were true to his words, I applaud his taking of no shit from her once she fell way below the standards and relationship ethics that any man should expect, as a minimum within her part of the relationship, his female partner to abide by and adhere to.  I have heard and seen this kind of story once too often for my liking.  To be frank, if I had only witnessed it once in my life then it would be one time too many.

The part we do not know is whether he was aware of her intention to sleep over at her ex’s house before she chose to do so.  For removal of any doubt, if I were in his position and she had told me this was her intention, I would have plainly told her that should she opt to do so, the exit door to our relationship would happen a microsecond later.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt in believing he was not aware of such circumstance beforehand, in which he then categorically did the right thing in calling it off the moment he found out. 

In truth, just by her telling him that she did intend to sleep over at her ex’s house, even if she ultimately did not do so in practice, it would be a red alert sign in itself to broadcast such a thought.  I am not saying that on every single occasion I would dump a woman just by her saying she was going to do so (providing she did not carry it out), because it would need a little assessment of the case by case (or woman by woman) process. 

For one, it could be that she is lying (maybe there is not even an ex on the scene), and she is just trying to test my reaction.  There is also the possibility that she is just going through a few moments of attention-seeking, personal validation hunting and self-ego stroking, and desiring to feel better about herself.  Nevertheless, by and large any woman stating these words of staying at an ex’s house is a sure sign to either put her in her place straight away or run for the exit door after having your fun for one last time.

Why would a woman do this?

To reiterate the words in the above paragraph, there are a few reasons a woman will inform her male partner that she is sleeping over at an ex’s house.

·       She is just trying to test what kind of man you are (and hoping you put her in her place for suggesting such a thing).

·       She is an attention seeker.

·       She is a woman who needs the male company of more than just her lover (even if it is just platonic with the other men).

·       The love of one man is just not enough for her validation and purpose in life.  Again, she may not be looking to play away, but ultimately her drama and attention requirements lead her down this path.

·       She is still into her ex (most likely telling you they are just friends).

·       She constantly needs to feel better about herself, and the relationship and companionship with a male partner is not enough to float her boat in this respect.

·       She has got to the stage where she is so fed up with you that she no longer cares what you think.  She is almost hoping that pissing you off will force you to dump her, in order to not feel guilty about her actions in what she is doing to you or her being the dumper (note: this is rare because for one, women have little guilt of their misdemeanours in the first place, and second, they have too much pride and ego to be the one who was dumped unless they crave on sympathy acts).

Further thoughts

The man in this story does the right thing in turning the tables – asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.  What he received here was the typical and predictable female answer in these scenarios.  Instead of giving any kind of objectivity or substantiation to her answer, she just comes out with the “it’s different” ambiguity line.  These kinds of piss poor answers are accustomed to women because it allows their little minds to allow their conscience to be clear, concurrent to thinking it is the man being the devil.  Essentially, she is always the victim (so she believes).  In essence, she wants her cake and to eat it.

She then, in equal predicable fashion, plays the card of accusing her male partner of not trusting her.  Once more, it is a vain effort to move the guilt from her mind and onto him.  A weak man falls for this in fear of losing his woman.  A strong man tells her how it is going to be on his terms, and he is happy to face the consequences of losing her.  There are plenty of other women out there for him to bang, and many better than her.

A final thought

I can assure you that no woman who is sincerely in love with her male partner would sleep over at an ex’s house.  She would be so in love with her current partner that the risk of upsetting him – and further him telling her to go forth and multiply (and hence, him ending the relationship) – is not worth taking. 

Additional to this, women fully in love with their male partners actually look to create distance from their exes (and distance from other sought after men in general) rather than bridge the contact back or expose themselves to other men.  You could argue that sometimes this is to eradicate any temptations she may have to play away, but more common is because she, at least in the current time, only holds inclinations to be with and think about her respective male partner.  Love conquers all, at least in the short term before love fragments simultaneous to bad habits reoccurring. 

Finally, and in conjunction with the reason of not carrying out the action to sleep at an exe’s house, a woman holding genuine love for her male partner does not even suggest the possibility of sleeping over at her ex’s residence.  Even if there are no skeleton emotional feelings on her part any longer, or it was a case of a mixed group of friends having a party at his house, a smart woman will not rock the boat in the first place.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                Nearly all men have jealous tendencies, in respect to other men sniffing around their female partners, when they are in love with a woman.  There is nothing wrong with this mentality from an internal mindset perspective, because if he was not jealous, it is symbolic of him not being in love with her (or even infatuated by her sexually, without the love).  However, this internal jealousy has to be controlled by not exposing or illustrating too much external jealousy.  Once a woman sees a man is too jealous, and this is all the more pertinent the hotter the woman, male jealousy will be construed as an unattractive male trait.  She will then start to feel she is too good for you.

A final, final thought

On this topic, it most probably has not escaped you in terms of how a decent number of times in your life you will have seen the inverse dynamic to the explanation in this post – where a man finds himself either intentionally or unintentionally (directly or indirectly) socialising with his current female partner and his ex-girlfriend/fiancĂ©/wife.  Whilst I fully respect and understand why the female partner should do exactly what I instruct on the male predicament side – in which she should impolitely tell him to pack his things if he makes efforts to see his ex – it is no coincidence that far more often than the gender inverse scenario where men are not on board with this, a lot of women seemingly are happy to go along with this.

Just across my road there is a daughter in her mid-thirties who still lives with her parents.  There is one particular ex-boyfriend of hers who regularly comes round to see her.  Sometimes he is on his own, but infrequently his current female partner comes along too.  If you saw the daughter, you would realize that due to a shortage of male takers she probably is simply happy for some male company and attention, but another part of this will be because she holds onto hope that one day she can prize him back.  The fact he has a new partner just fuels her motivation to do so.

As far as why the current female partner goes along with it, or generally women who (often voluntarily) find themselves in this same threesome bubble, the explanation is simple.  Whereas men are no more (and often less) attracted to their female partners, all else being equal, when she is in the direct interface with a male ex, women apply the opposite emotion.  Simply put, a woman is always looking for something that attracts her more towards her male partner (and for verification he is good enough for her and that other women find him attractive), therefore you find that the jealousy she inflicts on herself ignites and enhances her attraction onto him.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                     The person in the relationship who controls the jealousy see-saw is the person who controls the relationship.  Always aspire to make your female partner that little bit more jealous of women striving for you, in comparison to you being jealous of her having male suitors.  No woman wants a man who no other woman wants.

Friday 5 January 2024

Is life a destined disappointment?


“You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”


Before I elaborate on the topic, I will caveat that it is always a better mentality to venture through life, even on a daily basis, with a glass half full perspective rather than a glass half empty.  With that said, I am a realist, and I know full well that no matter how hard you try to visualize the sky to be brighter than what you see, this approach is not easy at all.  In today’s murky world, even I struggle with this.

It is kind of ironic, because I should possess a better foresight of perspective and appreciation than most people, given my health history.  At the time, once overcoming a serious cancer battle and hearing the great word of “remission”, I felt like a rubber ball for pretty much a year.  Nothing seemed to faze me or cause any degree of anxiety.

Do not get me wrong, not every day was a bed of roses, but for a near twelve months I felt like I was floating in the sea with play thoughts of almost being skin tough from any shark attack.  Nevertheless, I then recall work started to get a bit hectic once more, and it was like everyone no longer held any compassion for what I went through.  I get this, as you cannot live off a tragedy for ever.

For every year that passed post remission though, it was like ten percent of my perspective built up was lost.  By the time ten years had passed, it pains me to say this, but it felt like the cancer ordeal never happened.  Part of me is grateful for this because it proves how I have stayed healthy with no relapse or repercussions.  The other part of me hates myself for this because I always thought a cancer battle would make me see life differently, and more importantly value it as a blessing.

Extreme generation lightbulb moments

Like most probably another couple of hundred million or more men in the world, as an adolescent I always wanted to be a footballer (soccer player).  Whilst being a good player at local level, I was not even close to the ability required to be a professional.

At twenty-two, shortly after graduating from University, I remember a World Cup summer where I spent every day dribbling a ball around the garden, fantasizing that I was a player in the tournament.  Strangely enough, my thoughts were of representing my late father’s country of birth, as opposed to my own birth country of England.  Maybe this was because he came from a small country (population, economy, land size, etc), therefore the fantasy of lifting a World Cup in those colours held a far greater enrichment.  However, I believe the colour of my skin has always made me, subconsciously, believe that I am a larger part of my late father’s production, as opposed to my (English) mother. 

Fast forward a few years, I remember sitting in my late Grandfather’s living room during a cold winter afternoon, as we both watched the football on his television.  The poor man would only live another couple of months after that day, and his eyesight had deteriorated so much that I knew he could not truly see what was going on.  I will never forget how he later that day said he saw snow during the match.  There was no snow (just his degenerated eyesight seeing this), but I agreed this was the case.

During the match, he said words to the effect of how great it must be to be a footballer, and subsequently asked me if I wished that I still played.  I never actually thought of it until that day, but it was like an eighty year old man had lived his whole life wishing he had achieved just that little bit, or a lot, more than he did.  He was in the main an optimistic man too (I will always remember him telling me that being jealous of others is a form of poison), but I guess even for someone of such positivity, human nature dictates to look back.

At the other end of the age spectrum, only the other week I sat with my ten year old step-nephew whilst he played on the tablet.  He played a bus simulator game, and I asked him if he would like to be a bus driver.  He said no.

The bus then went towards a hospital.  I asked him if he would like to work in a hospital.  He said no.  I asked if he would like to work in an office, and in what capacity.  He said no.

I finally asked him where he would like to work.  His words were – “I would quite like to be a footballer.”  I have to say that it brought a little tear to my eye and pain to my heart when I heard these words.

And the conclusion is…

In essence, there are seventy years difference between these male voices, yet effectively they are saying the same thing.  One is reflecting on life prior to his final days, and the other has multiple decades ahead of him.  The common ground is this though.  One spent his whole life wishing to be someone else, and the other will, likely, spend his life (probably from his late teens onwards) dreaming of being someone else.

I have a lot to be grateful for in life.  Most of all, I am currently healthy.  Believe me, no amount of money or fame can compensate for waking up and living your day in physical pain.  I am financially more secure than the average person.  Not to contradict myself, but money does help.  I am considerably more physically attractive than the average man, and this alone gives greater options in attracting the opposite sex.  I would like to think I attain a superior personality and confidence levels in comparison to most people too.

With all this considered, if I am honest, I have still spend some of my life wishing to be someone else, wishing to do something else, and wishing to live a different life to what I have lived.  Again, I do not think I am at all alone in this thought-process.  Human nature is a hard battle to fight with.

How does this relate to the purpose of this blog?

Occasionally, I enjoy writing a post that is somewhat left field from the main theme of this blog.  I do not think it does any harm at all, and I am a great believer that, no matter how far you may stray from someone or something in life that is a product of the main destination, there is usually a link that detours you back to where you started.

Be that as it may, I do think there is relevance to all this, in so far to how it manifests back to women.  In easy summary, if men – who are generally characterized as far more realistic, logical, perspective-oriented, and sensible than women – spend most of their lives wishing for more than life has provided, then you can imagine how women – who are generally characterized as far more idealistic, illogical, irrational, expectant and unrealistic than men – will see life as an even larger disappointment.

Because as long as a pair of female eyes and ears are unavoidably (or perhaps uncontrollably) projected onto the life of the rich and famous, a woman will always wish for a better house, car, clothes, and life, than what she has.  When a wish becomes an expectancy, if you are the man standing as her male partner, this will rarely bring about a happy ending.

A final thought

So, there you have it.  Other than a lucky tiny micro-percentage of male existences, a man spends his life yearning to be another man, or at least the same man living a different life (I tend to be the latter – where I am happy who I am, but I would like a “better” life).  The benefit of being a man is, in spite of living with this voice within on a near daily basis, the male mentality allows a dream to be a dream, and he simply gets on with the grind of life.

With women, it is not that straight forward.  As women have fragile egos, you will find that a lot of women try to verbally over-promote how happy they are, even though the voice within will be telling her different.  The perceived scrutiny of social media, peer pressure, and trying to out-do her friends, force her to broadcast to others that she is living her best life.

The problem with this exposure is, in metaphoric terms, the higher you climb up a mountain (hence the more you promote your life to be of higher importance than what objectivity shows), the heavier and harder the fall.  If she sets a mindset of self-promotion and high expectations, this will in most cases produce an end result of despondency, and possible depression.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                     For an analogy purpose, if men and women could choose a rollercoaster ride, the former would take on a steady trajectory with occasional thrills, whilst the latter would venture to one with constant highs and lows.  Men are happy with a quiet life, in contrast to women feeding off unpredictability and drama.

A final, final thought

I was walking away from the supermarket the other week, when I saw a quite attractive woman talking to someone on her phone.  Although she was walking the opposite way, she repeated three times – “Nobody seems to think it is his fault.” 

This conversational topic could have been about various permutations, but my immediate thought was along the lines of something like he (her partner) had let her down badly, misbehaved, or even cheated on her.

In any of the cases, I could not help thinking from her facial expression that she actually enjoyed the topic of him, in some form (cheating included), performing these misdemeanours.  It was like she had the world listening to her, and she was the centre of the universe.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                         A decent percentage (a far higher percentage than people would care to admit) of women get some kind of thrill out of their male partners cheating on them.  The drama, attention, sympathy, and competition with the (actual or alleged) woman he played away with is a stronger motivation and ego boost than the heartache she may be going though.