“Aren’t relationships just for people waiting for something better to come along?”
Spoken like the true cynic, there may be some truth in the above phrase, but sometimes even I can let my guard down a little and feel a level of sympathy for those women with dreams in their eyes. This sympathetic view doesn’t last long, because I’ve certainly had my fair share of falling into the trap of what is known as wanting to rescue those puppy eyes of sadness, only to later be treated like crap despite all considerate measures. When you later see these same women with men who don’t give a crap for them, you start to fill in the blanks. I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way, but learnt it I fully have.
In this case of sympathy it was during a recent 2 week vacation in the Portuguese cities of Lisbon and Porto. For relatively small city downtown centres, they both attained a high number of boutiques displaying eye catching wedding dresses. Even a cynic of marriage like me couldn’t help but stare and admire the beauty of some of them and day dream for a few seconds to what the special day must be like. So if I can let myself go away with the fairies for a brief moment, goodness knows how my 25 year old girlfriend who walked alongside me was feeling. I believe, in predominant circumstances, the female age of 25 is when a woman seriously starts to (if she hasn’t already) pencil in the next 3 to 5 years as deadline day to tie the knot. A woman wants to look her best – or at least as close as possible to her peak physical allure – on the day of her wedding photographs. Fortunately for me, in addition to her knowing my strict criteria for getting married (mainly pre-nuptial agreement), my girlfriend is currently in that career orientated mindset. Her education made it that she has only been in a profession for less than a year, and I think Daddy’s thousands of investment holds desires to confirm it wasn’t all for a ring on the finger and a bun in the oven. Lucky for me, right?
Anyway, the humorous female window onlookers consisted of women halting their ball on chain male partners in order to take a second look, to lonesome ladies who were perhaps losing grasp of hope whilst facing the reality that it isn’t going to happen any time soon. When the average woman has media frenzy rammed down her throat with regards to celebrity and royal no expense spared weddings, it is little wonder envious eyes are the eventual consequence for many out there.
I don’t think anybody can doubt, including myself, how special it must be for a woman to plan, experience and exploit the big day. For this reason alone, I will always stay adamant on belief that a wedding day, for most women, will be the greater memory over the birth of children. For most men, it will be the inverse. I stick to this opinion because whilst men see experiences as empathetic team efforts, a woman is more inclined to be taken up with thoughts of how the world sees upon her. Like always, exceptions do exist, but exceptions offer no help to the law of averages. And when things go pear shaped post wedding day – often sooner rather than later – it’s usually the man who is picking up the tough end of the emotional, financial and psychological stick.
So if it is the general consensus that most women do dream of finding “Mr Right” who will be waiting for her at the end of the aisle, yet approximately 65% of UK marriages (other Western society countries will be similar) end in divorce that are 70% of the time initiated by women (see link at bottom) within the bond, what is going wrong? Well the first thing and main thing to say is that only a tiny minority of women do find their “Mr Right”. The majority will say they have, of course they will, as you don’t buy a cheap horse you can’t flog for more. But women are complex creatures, and they have to satisfy 3 fundamental criteria when seeking “Mr Right”.
- First, “Mr Right” will optimize her sexual feelings. It will be like a journey back to her school days when the look of him ruled above anything else. He is the combination of good looks (although perhaps not excessively good looking) and raw male power, and he is the fantasy man who she can let herself go with. No questions need to be answered.
- Second, a woman needs financial security, commitment, loyalty, reliability and a good provider. A man has to be someone who can provide for her, and he must be reliable as a human being she knows will be there for the future children. The typical time a woman will track down a man who can tick these boxes is between the ages of 23 to 25. However, this age can go beyond 25 if a woman still harbours ambitions of finding a man who completes her visceral predilections, alongside the traits of a faithful and trustworthy person.
- Third, in addition to the dream ticket of fulfilling sexual optimization and economical security, a woman also has a compelling, if subconscious, need to satisfy her ego and validate her self-importance:
The first way this strategy is conquered is by securing the highest status man possible. This could come in the form of social or occupational status, but in any case his importance and display of power leverages her perceived token of appreciation from others and how the outside world watching on now view her worth.
The second way to feed her egoism requirements is to not be with a man who is more (or as) physically attractive as she is in gender relativity. Although many of these men will give her sexual urges, way and beyond that of less physically attractive men, there is this message within that tells her not to be with him as it will cause doubts towards her overall value to planet earth. This reason alone is a strong explanation to why the majority of women are with lesser looking men. However, many of these women will reluctantly take oversight to being with a man of eye catching parity grade if he can illustrate greater value in other desirability factors – mainly status and wealth.
And of course, the vast majority of men fall into the second category, because the largest slice (95%+) of the male population – average by definition – are representative in not having many options with the opposite sex. This manifests in a natural default mechanism that enforces them to grab onto any half decent woman. He thinks she must be grateful to have him because he’s grateful to have her. The problem is that although the average man will ensure his partner’s ego stays in tack due to his comparative inferior looks, the likelihood is that most men in this category will not possess high status or an armoury to give her peak sexual impulses. And when a woman’s short term ego is satisfied, rarely can the same be said for her long term happiness.
So in essence, hardly any women do find “Mr Right”. Most women settle for a man who is lacking in other female admirers and options, but more than willing to be tied down. To get an engagement ring on her finger, a wedding day of her dreams and a child to show off, she will have to be content with a man of this stature.
Women are ultimately faced with the conundrum of frustration. The men who offer them the most are, usually, the men who they desire to be with the least. It’s the balance between the sexual feelings, commitment and her ego staying intact. Even in a country with millions of men, that’s a hard balance to find.
It always makes me chuckle when I see women, often past their physical attractiveness best who perhaps once dated more “edgy” men, that place these wonderful and long winded status reports on their Facebook profile stating how lucky they are to have found the man of their dreams. I don’t like to piss on people’s picnics, but true love and feelings never need to be promoted to the world. They come within the soul and without the attempts of convincing others. If I was a man belonging to a girlfriend who wrote these words, I would be very cautious towards her true thoughts.
When all is said and done, a man with a woman who is wedding hungry should ask himself 3 simple questions:
- Does he think he is with a woman who appears to show more interest in the wedding day than the future together per se?
- Does he think the status of being labeled a “Mrs”, with a diamond to prove, come before her genuine feelings of being a good wife and mother?
- Is the feeling of love, decisions and a future life a coming of empathetic nature, or does it seem like he is constantly trying to please her ultimate happiness?
Answer honestly, and make the decision.
So for the innumerable women out there who walk past these shops with pipe dreams of being dressed in white and hearing tunes of “here comes the bride”, it probably isn’t so much of a fairytale after all. There are plenty of male takers in the world who are prepared to throw their hat in the ring. Finding one who will make her ultimately happy is a far different kettle of fish entirely.
Older women are naturally more realistic and rational to their demands. Although some of them do still try and maintain the high self-opinion that rivaled their younger self of 10 or 20 years ago, they cannot hide from the fact that apart from the low end of male sexual market calibre, they are not receiving much attention from men out there. The unfortunate reality for them is that the better quality available (or unavailable) men of similar age are seeking younger and more visually impressive women. Engaging personality, enjoyable company and an easy going attitude is only pertinent to men when the female physical attractiveness consideration is of equal or similar rating. Whilst enjoyable to men, and I include myself in this take, female persona of a positive form will only take a woman so far. If this wasn’t the case, all the extreme highest status/famous men would be with female comedians and not glamour models or actresses.
But it’s not just women who appear to “settle” for someone. A recent study (see below link) of people, not just women, say they are “making do” in their relationship. Finding the one who completes you (puke, I hate that phrase) is not an easy task.
In the words of a 40 year old woman in one of my favourite U.S comedy shows:
“Alan, you have a job and a penis.”
Sometimes this is all a woman can demand unless she is content to sail the ship alone.
In relation to the high rate of female divorce initiation, you may be pondering on what the main reason is. Women will reactively say it is due to the high numbers of men who commit infidelity, but I’ve always said this is a weak and unsubstantiated accusation because, simply put, there are only a tiny minority of high quality men in total male society who have women chasing them for the temptation to occur in the first place. Most men are just happy for their dick to land on the first dime that comes their way. And the below link backs up my argument. There are a higher percentage of men filing for divorce in the UK on infidelity grounds than women doing the same.
Ultimately, men and women can’t run from the truth when divorce finally smacks them in the face. Before this day arrives, people can hide behind lies, conduced efforts to resurrect lost causes, or manipulation of true happenings inside the four walls. But the truth is most women want the big wedding day, kids to follow, and a man to bring home the pay cheque whilst she plays the motherhood role. The problem with this is that the majority of men willing to run down the aisle are not the men who women viscerally want to be with. The higher quality men – with far more to lose than to gain through marriage – who women do desire, are far less likely to give up their independence and take on the risk that is rolling the dice of marriage. Only the highest quality (top 1% physically attractive) women in their prime years can get them even close to the altar. Women who are underwhelmed with their husbands when signing on the dotted line of divorce papers were just as underwhelmed when they first met the man they now depart from.
Acknowledgements and further reading