Wednesday 18 December 2013

Male high value and good looks: and how to handle it

“If you can take the positive traits from the good people you have met in your life and eradicate the bad things learnt from those of arrogant nature, the chances are you will form the most likeable of characters. And when you reach that point, you may wonder why your attraction to those you love has not developed one step.”

Sometimes it can be forgiven for thinking life is difficult for men.  They’re taught by their mothers to be good people and that life will in turn reward them for being this way.  They try to look after themselves by eating well, sleeping right and keeping fit at the gym.  And then they attempt to be ambitious to make the best of who they are.  So all this should ultimately make them more successful with women, shouldn’t it?  Well in this generation maybe the third factor remains true (if we were just to simply say this means getting a well paid job), but unfortunately the first two factors can, if not executed in the correct manner, have a total adverse effect on a man’s success rate.

Many writer or psychologists will have varied opinions on the characteristics of high value.  The words confidence, presence and attractiveness will usually find their way to the top of the high value tick list.  High value can be categorized into five highlight points:

Physical attractiveness – facial features and body profile
Charisma - presence in the non verbal sense / body language / dress style
Personality - verbal delivery and listening ability
Social status / Occupational status

If you can modestly say you’re comfortably in the highest 20% in 4 (or 5) out of 5 of these categories – assessed from the network of people from your own gender and relative age range - then this substantiates as being high value.

In a man’s case, does this mean women will be attracted to him if he succeeds in becoming a high value male?  Well again, it is more complex than this.  Before I give a typical chronological scenario to how a guy can develop in this manner, it is important to understand the ways many women would take view on a high value man.  On the face of it this is all a woman could ask for - she fantasizes over securing a good looking, financially secure and out-going guy, doesn’t she?  Well first of all this is 99% percent of the time what she will say.  But remember, as the saying goes - “if you want to find the truth in a woman, don’t believe what she says but watch what she does.”  This may be a general and harsh conception, but it will realm true with many women and the relevant situations that run in accordance.  Why would so many attractive women talk about handsome celebrity men, yet have a partner who is a good couple of levels below her in the physical attractiveness scales?  Most women are insecure about themselves at the best of times, so think about how this insecurity may be escalated if she is placed with a choice to go into a relationship with a high value man.  She has to feel she is superior to him in at least one of those five fields, and whilst she will never admit she feels inferior, she will probably consider it in her own mind every single day.

So the story of the man:  From around 18 years of age he starts going out to bars and clubs and he realizes a number of girls are giving him glances. This raises his confidence.  He buys a few new garments of clothing to enhance his look, he starts getting a few more looks from women, and this raises his confidence further.  Further down the line he starts going to the gym and bulks up his body tone.  Of course, this suits his look and also makes him feel even better about himself, and he attains more passing looks from more women (sometimes even other guys).  His confidence escalates to another level.  And a few years down the line he gets a couple of promotions and is earning decent money - confidence heightens even more.  As he approaches his mid-twenties his ego rises to the stratosphere and it seems to him like the world and women are his oyster.  He goes out, still gets plenty of looks each night, maybe he has some one night stands with females who aren’t really his type, and he repeats the same process the following week.  He’s even got to the stage now where he has such a high opinion of himself that he believes women will just approach him due to him being a self-proclaimed playboy or alpha male.  Some of his mates are a little envious, but most of them admire his stories of the weekend sexual conquests.  It never dawns on his friends that many of these stories are made up from nights they just so happened not to be there.

So life’s great for him, isn’t it?  Well, kind of.  Men are very seldom prone to confessing to vulnerability, mistakes or not being satisfied with their lives, this being to themselves, let alone their friends. But one day he wakes up alone, a little hung-over, and starts to actually admit that:

He hasn’t had many long term relationships.

He has had no, or hardly any recent relationships with what onlookers would call very physically attractive women. 

In a similar dynamic to women producing pre-conceived rejection towards men for feeling inferior to them, this guy will never totally concede the reality is happening.  In both cases it is a subconscious denial.  But there are only so many times his mother can ask him when he’s going to bring home a beautiful girlfriend for tea, before he finally has to face up to this being reality.
In these cases, how did it get to this stage?  Let’s go back to the list and tick or cross where he has struck gold or gone wrong:-

  • Physical attractiveness – Yes
  • Charisma  - Yes
  • Personality  - No
  • Wealth  - Yes
  • Social / Occupational status   -  Yes

The one failure mark against him at this stage of his life is the most important one, especially when you are a good looking and charismatic guy.  He probably had a fundamental good personality when he was that eighteen year old boy, but his problem is that his confidence has turned to arrogance.  High confidence is paramount in any man’s success rate with the opposite sex, but when it borders over this threshold to arrogance then people repel from him.  Only a select few men can get away with arrogance – these mainly being men of extreme fame and wealth.  The everyday man off the street will rarely have the luxury of this demeanour. 
This man made 3 cardinal sins:

He assumed women (even physically attractive women) 
would just simply approach him 

It was never a major problem because he generally either got looks from women that enhanced his confidence, or he secured liaisons with less attractive women.  Hardly any women actually approach men, and it’s likely that those that do will not be from the high extreme of beauty.  Most people don’t think outside the box when they analyze the way the female mind works in relation to their visual impressiveness.  Physically attractive women go against the grain – it may be viewed upon that they would be the most extroverted, engaging, secure and confident out of the whole portfolio of women, but usually it is the opposite.  These women need more reassurance, compliments and validation of their importance, and this acts as a feeder in their reluctance to take risks in life.  They would either not have the confidence to approach men or they would possess an unsubstantiated opinion that they do not need to approach men.

He didn’t work on his personality 

What most good looking guys fail to realize is that it’s actually harder to get results with physically attractive women than an average looking or above average looking guy.  Some female blogs indicate that women rate a man’s personality as seventy percent of what they need in a long term relationship, against only ten percent for looks.  Whilst some of these blogs lack credentials and accuracy, many of these women are telling the truth.  They trust attractive men less, and have, rightly or wrongly, a perception that the good looking men are arrogant, they are obsessed with their own importance, they are the most likely to cheat, and they have no personality.  So the moral here is that a man must work even harder to show attainability for a woman to feel comfort with him.  If he fails in this respect, that guard he sees in front of her will never move.  There’s an average looking guy ready to take his place in the click of a finger, and she will have no hesitancy in giving him an opportunity.

He never worked on (or thought he needed) his interaction strategy 

Not dissimilar to point one, he basically thought these women would come and approach him, tell him how “fit” he is, and everything would flow from there.  Even in those opportune moments in the early hours of the morning when she was glancing at him, he just didn’t know what to open with in his approach.  And if he did get talking he was so excited he’d met a stunning woman that he fluffed his lines or came across as too supplicated.  An average looking man with attitude, presence and confidence will always strike a woman’s emotional attraction more than a good looking man who slumps around with poor body posture.  Women will critically fault a good looking guy just like any other guy, so if he fails the game, he fails with the girl.

But all isn’t lost.  If someone faces up to their errors then they are arguably in a better position than anyone else who lives in a glass house.  Sometimes it’s better to acknowledge your mistakes in order to move on.  The fact this guy is already at a high value stage gives him a head start.  He just has to work on the most important aspect - personality.  How does he do it?

  • Humility - play down his looks, job, car or any accomplishments.
  • Modesty - take compliments in perspective, know you’re a great guy, but don’t rest on your laurels.
  • Discretion - don’t tell her much too start with, thus creating humility, comfort and intrigue.
  • Listen and respond - let her feel she can talk to you about anything and show you care about this.  Allow her to do most of the talking and do not be afraid of conversation pauses or silences.
  • Strength - sure, you’re a great guy, but this great guy is no puppet.  Ensure she knows you could find someone as good as her without the baggage or drama she may bring.

Most women, even the most attractive of them, will engage with a man when he shows them all the traits from above.  They just need to feel they aren’t overawed by someone with high value.  As I have always said - help a tramp like you would assist the King of England, and respect the obnoxious executive no more or less than anyone else. 

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