“We are only perceived to be big when by the side of the one so small. Whether by stature, attractiveness, intelligence or wealth, so often is the comfort found in walking along the same road as those who make us believe we are superior, even if our comfort with them is not totally at ease. And from this day on the choice remains between accompanying the one who makes you feel good about yourself, or the other who can ensure you feel like life is still alive.”
I recall the days when I was 19, when along with my two best friends we practically went out in same way, shape or form every night. Many years on, what is most recollecting, apart from the thought of all that wasted money, time and hope, was the number of occasions they would both, as I would, question why we saw so many attractive young women with much less attractive boyfriends. In those days my thought process was so black and white - surely everyone should date someone of similar physical attractiveness? It’s only after years of observation, opinions and thoughts that formulate the phenomena of hot girl meets average looking guy.
Before continuing, it is important to note that the assessment of another’s looks is, and always will be, one of subjectivity. I’ve known some guys who have dated less attractive girlfriends, only to bizarrely make extreme statements of her attractiveness. And for every one of these guys, there are probably 10 women saying similar things about their boyfriend in the direct comparison terms. But when all is said and done, I believe most of us can find consistency when judging someone else’s physical appearance.
Now first of all, not for a moment is it fair to suggest that generally speaking, women are “gold diggers” or they seek an easy life from a supplicated male that feels privileged to be with her. Firstly, there aren’t enough rich men around for them to have this approach. Nevertheless, if a woman finds out a man has a proportion of disposable income that he would happily spend on her, his lack of physical attractiveness can be somewhat compromised. Over time, even if he isn’t of this extreme wealth scale, security in itself to supply a roof over her head and for her forthcoming children will be enough to convince her that he will be an adequate provider in financial terms. Sometimes the factor of money can be an ideal case of mutual needs, whilst other times it is a simple short term fix.
Opportunity to “miss a step in life”
This reason is linked to the first point. Despite the perception that there are so many independent women now that are happy to go it financially alone, ask yourselves how many women you know who have sole mortgages in comparison to their male counterparts. The likelihood is it will be a small number, and in comparison to men going it alone in this respect, the ratio would be significantly in favour of the males. Taking this step can be a daunting process for women, both financially and emotionally (emotionally, as many would never have thought this could happen to them). Men in this situation can offer them a stepping stone in life - from living with their parents, to moving out without having the financial responsibility. This may well be a joint effort, or a case of just moving in with the man and contributing on her terms.
Appreciation of her
Even though they will rarely admit it, most women aren’t unwise when it comes to perceived, or actual, male appreciation of their presence. If a woman dates a guy a couple of levels below her in the physical attractiveness scales, the likelihood is that he will struggle to ever do much better than her. Men place maximum effort and priority in securing a female partner based on visuals, and any other sexual market value benefits are simply seen as mitigating in comparison. Consequently, he will go way beyond the call of duty to impress and keep her, and she will be aware of this process of life. Every girl wants to feel special, at least for a period of time and in moderation - even if it is the beautiful princess hearing it from the ugly frog. Women usually form fallacies, or draw from historic evidence, to manifest belief in better looking men not appreciating them as much as the less physically attractive men would do. There can be no hiding from the fact this is a female insecurity trait, but when the whole purpose of their existence is often perceived through how they feel their man values them, which ultimately feeds onto their self-belief of importance, it isn’t difficult to see why so many are walking side by side with an uglier male partner.
Appreciation of a woman is a fine balance. She needs to feel valued, but when a man gives off signals that he can do no better – hence he over emphasizes his appreciation to be with her – a woman can interpret this as her a desperate man. Only an insecure and unconfident woman is truly happy with a man who can do no better than her. So even if a man is clearly punching above his weight in physical attractiveness comparison, he should never give off the vibe that she is the best he could ever have.
Emotional security in the relationship / Trust / Commitment
Men and women, unless they have experienced a far more devastating and significant event in their life, will rate a broken heart as the most painful living process they can encounter. Whilst most men can erase this thought (even if cheated on), dust themselves down, and move on to the next one, women rarely have this luxury of strength of mind and soul. If the recipient of adultery in the past, especially if inflicted by a good looking guy, this undesired memory can stay with a woman for a very long time. In the company of a less attractive man, whilst still not being a hundred percent trusting at first, she will believe she has far less to worry about when he takes a night out with his friends or is away on work. You will often hear women grueling over the looks of a handsome celebrity like Brad Pitt or Jude Law, but in the real world this is rarely the kind of guy they choose to feel comfortable and secure with. Women, unless from the far extreme of low self-esteem, will want to be with a man that other women find attractive, however if he acquires too much attention from female interlopers she will create belief of him being too much to deal with. It is a fine balance – a scale which a good looking man can be tipped over, whilst an average looking, or above average looking, man can strike far more easily.
I was sat in the sauna recently when a gorgeous girl walked in with her average looking boyfriend. As the usual thoughts go through my head, they start to converse in a foreign language. The simple fact here is she will be interacting with a small number of people that talk in her mother tongue, and choices may not be inundated. Think of an attractive girl in a small village - the less attractive guys out there will be all over her, and have far more chance than if residing in a highly populated urban area.
Personality / Humour
Remember the school days when a girl would refer to a boy having a great personality. Back then, boys would interpret this as a patronizing way of her saying that she didn’t “fancy” him. However, over time, and as women grow through their years, this comment does hold tangible value. Women are not as obsessed with their boyfriend’s looks in comparison to his other sexual market value metrics, whilst men will usually place it at the top of the tick list. If the guy can kill her with his humour, charisma and communication skills, his lack of good looks can be compensated to a certain degree. Ultimately, this will bridge a large gap in competing with the better looking guys out there.
Bad Boy / Popularity
Another trip down memory lane - the pretty senior year girl who dates a guy a year or two older, yet he is what most people would say as ugly, or average looking at best. Well, he also happens to be a popular guy around the village and drives a clapped out car. All the boys her age haven’t even reached the learner plate age yet. Take this on a few years, and this guy is still ugly but has acquired a reputation as a popular bad boy. This blog covers many topics to why women are attracted to bad boys, but what can be said is most women love attention and popularity. By feeding off him she completes both for herself.
Average looking guys with game and understanding of the female mind
Despite male good looks being the main way to attract a woman’s attention when she doesn’t personally know the man, once in interaction, she will behave far differently than with a less physically attractive man on a like for like social basis. Quite often it will be behaviour showing vulnerability or intimidation when in the presence of his validated value and looks, but it can also be one of a hostile nature too. An average looking man would rarely receive these kinds of reactions from her, and she will appear far more at ease.
If you read any female blog of this subject nature, there will be will clear language written from women that leads you to believe they really do want to be swept off their feet by a nice guy. The problem with this is that the way a nice guy acts – too jealous, supplicated and unchallenging - will actually manifest its way for a woman to lose interest, despite his many good traits of being a beta male. However as good looking women, despite their lack of confession, have an inclination to avoid being with men as physically attractive as they are, they are ultimately on the pursuit of an average looking, or maybe slightly above average-looking, man.
When a man of this looks level can act with game – hence be challenging, charismatic and firm when required – he ticks both boxes. A woman will feel more beautiful in visual terms than him, but she avoids the mundane lack of challenge from someone that she has wrapped around her finger. In my opinion, average looking guys with knowledge of the female emotional mind are the best placed of all males to secure themselves a hot looking female.
Female perception of good looking men with poor personalities
Whilst this reason is probably used in a far more general manner than justification and reality would prove, it is fair to agree with the fact that a large proportion of good looking men do have personalities of far less appeal. It is almost like the gender opposing dynamic of the typical girl who goes to great lengths to secure herself a rich or famous man. She is basically relying on her physical attractiveness to strike his attention. Men of this kind are not dissimilar. They have placed too much emphasis and belief that the way to attract as many women as possible is to pump up their physical appearance. Younger men fall into this trap the most, but many older guys also fail to grasp the fact that women place greater emphasis on other male attributes. There is nothing wrong with fulfilling appearance potential, but it has to be in conjunction, and not at the detriment, to a solid, genuine and unique personality. There is never a bad time for a handsome man to remind himself that the better looking he is, the more humble he needs to be. The higher the quantity of good looking men failing in personality stakes, the more argument women will have to suggest every handsome man has no brain to back up his looks. Of course this is not the case, but a perception to a woman carries far more weight than the reality.
Egoism: jealousy of being with a handsome guy
The most unspoken and denied reason for women’s preference towards average looking men is that of female egoism. The magnitude of this compulsive force is rivaled only by male misunderstanding and obliviousness to this unobvious, yet ever evidential, reality. Most men, irrespective of physical attractiveness grade, do not comprehend this predicament. Most women deny this reason, mainly to hide the apparent weakness and insecurity it so blatantly would illustrate. The usual scenario to be pointed is one of this: there is a good looking man that a woman knows. He also has a great personality, good heart, decent occupation, and most of all he is a good person with no reputation of a cheat or liar. He is also attracted to her, so what’s the issue here?
Back in the summer of 2008, I had a deep conversation on this matter with a girl I’d only known a few days. She openly admitted that girls have an unofficial rule to not date a guy as physically attractive as they are. It is my opinion from experience that pretty girls are often the most insecure, and they would never feel comfortable with this guy explained above, even though they would rarely confess to this. If you were to take a hundred random men and a hundred random women and grade them on an attractive level, I believe hardly any of the twenty most attractive women would pick out any of the twenty most attractive men – at least not for a future long term relationship. They simply would not like the competition of a man looking better than her in social environments or photographs together.
Another stand out recollection of this topic came about during a period when I was involved with a young German woman. She was only 19 at the time when I was a few years older, but the physical look and mental maturity gaps were far closer than the numbers would show on birth certificates. She mentioned her pretty friend (I rated her as 7/10) of the same age as her having many ugly boyfriends. As I knew very little about her friend’s personality traits, I asked her opinion on the main reason to these unexplainable events. Without hesitation, she firmly justified it as her friend needing to feel adored by guys she dated. Although the pronouncement of pretty women with average looking or ugly men, from my extensive observations, is less prevalent under the female age of 23, it is also far from a rarity.
A 15% rule is in a woman’s mind will not be far from the way she thinks her comfort match would be – that is, whatever she believes she is in physical attraction terms, her man should be 15% less. Women will not actively pursue or search for uglier men, but they will feel subconscious urges to not be with men as physically attractive (or more attractive) as themselves. This fundamentally results in them being with a less physically attractive man, often with, but not always, other value characteristics.
This curious life dynamic – of hot woman with average looking man – is most common between the female ages of 23 to 35. With women under this age bracket, most of them perceive their status and validation to be judged by the physical attractiveness level of their male partner, therefore most of them are more inclined in striving to “date up” rather than “date down”. In the case of women above this age category, physical evolution has run its natural course to bridge the gap between the once pronounced differential. Although the man in this relationship may have developed features of a further receding chin, pendulous pectorals and increased waistline, the probability of motherhood, and the more rapid rate women process in the diminishing of favourable visual attributes, makes this disparity in physical looks now become less eye catching to the head scratching public.
So as a conclusion, years bring about a lot more grey area here. Nobody can doubt they have observed the physical attractive imbalance from time to time, and it is important to have a level of knowledge to the reasons behind this nontrivial number. I’ve known so many good looking guys beat themselves up over it and ask questions to why a particular woman is with an average looking, or even ugly, man. The most critical aspect of all this in my view is to accept who you are, accept situations for what they are and what they become, and accept that women choose to do this. I’m a firm believer that when people end up unhappy through their own choices and decisions, it is far more tolerable than when it is succumbed due to sheer misfortune. So do not blame them for the choices they make. What a boring life it would be if every couple were a perfect physical looking match.
I would predict a high percentage of female initiated divorces are from marriages formed from a woman being significantly more visually attractive than her husband. I would expect these statistics to be even more severe if she had a history of past relationships with the typical bad boys. This prediction would be further reinforced if the woman is inclined to look after herself in physicality, as this would prolong her attraction from other men and leave her more inclined towards infidelity temptations or boredom in her unchallenging partner. A leveling out of these types of power imbalance relationships can occur if she lets her physical attractiveness fade quickly into the relationship, thus reducing her appeal from potential interlopers. Likewise, if she becomes pregnant, a hot woman with a baby, married or single, is a far less enterprising commodity in the sexual market. There are always happy endings too, as many people do adapt. Sadly, many just cannot change that extra yard to bring about the good news stories.
As an anecdote to wrap up this chapter, I recall a few years ago being in a shopping complex in Newport Beach, California. As I waited to purchase my goods, dressed in an unappealing vest and three-quarter shorts, a beautiful looking and immaculately dressed woman started staring at me with an admirable expression. If ever there was a look of sexual compulsion then it was there and then. Stood next to her was the average looking, older husband dressed in expensive trousers and shirt. He paid for all her six large bags of clothing on his credit card. In a strange way, a small part of me felt sympathetic emotion towards her. Even though it was likely she would step into an expensive car, drive back to a mansion in an affluent suburb, and run up to any of the seven bedrooms to try on her new garments, I sensed the loneliness and lack of excitement in her eyes. I felt even more sympathy for him, because I doubt they are still together today. You could almost write the script like he writes out his reluctant divorce signature. Relationships of this kind, where the woman is significantly more physically attractive than the man, are fine when it still originates from emotional chemistry as the primary source of mutual love. When it is molded from other factors, like the reasons explained above, susceptibilities are to be expected from the start.