Do women use a guard for hidden self-consciousness?

“You know who you are.  Most people don’t, that’s why they lie: afraid people might find out who they are before they figure it out for themselves.” (One Tree Hill, 2004)

Many men have a pre-conception that many women are unapproachable, intimidating, unfriendly, pretentious, high-maintenance, and an eventual time bomb waiting to explode.  Maybe this needs re-phrasing: most men believe most women are this way.  Sometimes there can be an ignorant assumption, from men and women alike, that the women acting in this way are from the higher physical attractiveness scale.  However, I’ve known numerous men to have this view in more general terms too.  Most of these men will hold this unproven, unsubstantiated and perhaps unfair opinion based on isolated and over-analyzed rejections during a blurry and boozy night out, therefore if they did fail by falling into either the sycophant or apathetic demeanour extremes, they more than likely only have themselves to blame for their shortcomings.  In reflection, how bad and unforgettable was the experience in the whole scheme of things?  Were they really made to feel insignificant by a superior woman?  Did they take the time to assess the words they would lead with, or did they in fact think too long about it?  And did they ever stop to think of evaluating theories outside of the box to why a great proportion of women put up this guard?

A man will see a fair share of beautiful women in a year of his life.  Over a period of weeks or months a man can fantasize about being with a certain woman he knows at work, at the gym, at an evening class or the Saturday night club she attends when at her very best in physical terms.  These men may be striving for a particular women who, to the judging public that only see attraction from a physical perspective, are beyond their feasible attainability.  However, good looking men, or men with great facial and bodily features, can just as easily become captivated by a female who has taken up all his daily thoughts.  It may well be that she is indeed not as physically attractive as him in relative respects, but this doesn’t change the beating of his heart when he sees her.  The heart can produce movements of unexplainable reasons, and no matter where the motivations lie beneath, the fact of the matter is someone is altering our behaviour in order for it to act in this way. 

Whilst not advisable, it is understandable for men with very little comprehension to how women are attracted to men to behave incompetently around women they find attractive when she is clearly more physically attractive than him.  It is the natural way of human thinking that goes back to our childhood days in school.  We have this perceptive habit of scaling our own looks level with someone else, and whilst fiction, confidence, arrogance or total obliviousness to reality can cloud this judgment, usually we are aware where we stand in opposition to them.  There are so many factors that melt in the pot to ascertain a person’s overall attraction or appeal to someone from the opposite sex - a list far longer for a woman than for a man - but physical attractiveness is always the headline role.  It is the only thing that can be objectively assessed without knowing someone on a personal level and within the time constraints available.  Consequently, too many men place a woman who is better looking than them on a higher value level, and they ultimately become nervous and anxious when deciding whether to approach.  Nevertheless, no matter how ineffective or efficient this kind of man’s methods are when interacting with a beautiful woman in the looks stakes, women will almost always be friendly and receptive with this category of men.

When a man is as physically attractive, or he is even better looking, as the woman he approaches, there is a noticeable differential in her demeanour and behaviour when the two of them are within each other’s vicinity.  Sometimes she will ignore him in order to create some kind of false belief that her value is higher than his by dismissing his advances, and in turn to convince herself she means more to him than the inverse.  On other occasions, the woman in question may act in slight hostility and answer in a short and abrupt way to his questions.  The sharp look on her face is a sign of this type of woman.  This scenario is most prominent when she has a pre-determined negative opinion of this man, usually led by thoughts of his vanity, lack of fidelity to other women, his perceived role as a playboy, or an uncomfortable feeling of standing next to someone from the opposite sex who is naturally more physically attractive than she is.  And in many instances within this dynamic, women crawl into a shell when they fall into the intimidation mode.  This is just as likely to happen with women who would be judged as physically attractive.  They do not act hostile, neither do they blatantly ignore this man, but they appear to become shell shocked and speechless.  There will be numerous good looking men who will be scratching their heads to find reasons why women act the way they do when approached.  This has happened to me on a good deal of occasions, so I would humbly say I’m in a reasonable position to explore further. 

As there are more attractive women than men in the world (at least in public view), women are more accustomed to being around males less physically attractive than they are.  When faced with the opposite situation, they are forced outside of their comfort zone.  Even women with high self-confidence can act in a manner of trepidation, therefore those with less self-esteem will fall further into this subconscious trap.  The reality of the situation is women prefer to live in a comfortable environment when with men.  The flip side to this preference is many men who offer comfort cannot deliver sexual urges, physical chemistry or suspense.  The dilemma they then have is to assess both sides of the coin and play the “stick or twist” game.  It often depends on the individual, but as most women are not risk orientated when it comes to their emotions, quite often they play for the safer, yet perhaps less challenging option.  This process becomes all the more common as they age post twenty-three.  Little do they realize at the time that this safe bet is actually a risk in itself – as if she becomes bored she is either stuck with it or looking for a way out.

Not many women will openly admit to ever feeling intimidated by an attractive man, even if deep down they are aware this is the case.  A woman could never give off the vibe that she is at unease around any man (with the exception of celebrities), as if she hands over the imbalance of power she will feel inadequate.  And many women will obsess over the balance of power even when they are doing nothing more than interacting with a man that appeals to her.  Women are aware, even if most will not go on record of confessing to this, that generally their male counterparts are of a more confident, risk-taking and resilient nature, such is the process of life in respect to men having more of an emphasis to put themselves out there in the ever growing competitive world.  Not that women do not, or shouldn’t, but it is simply not as frequent to see it. 

So how can men use this to their advantage?  Firstly, it may be pertinent to note some reasons to why women reject men:

• She doesn’t find him physically attractive.
• She feels little chemistry (even if she does believe he is good looking).
• There is an apparent lack of common ground.
• He doesn’t listen very well.
• He is too arrogant.
• He is too unchallenging and gives her too much power in the interaction.
• She has a boyfriend.
• She isn’t in the right frame of mind to talk.
• This is a bad time for her in her life.
• She needs space from his invasion.
• She is intimidated by his physical stature, confidence and style.
• She has intrinsic knowledge he is more attractive than her.

Notice how the reasons at the top of the list are on her terms, the middle ground is a more neutral perspective, and the last two reasons is indicative to her feeling of inferiority.  This is where a man’s personality can get him through the door, and it can be the catalyst in showing humility and allowing her to feel comfortable in her own skin.  Looks will open doors, but too many good looking men falsely project physical attraction to be the main criteria to a woman’s requirements.  In addition to this fallacy in their own mind, they do not work on their personalities because of this view, and they expect women, even beautiful women, to approach them.  If they believe in the latter then they will be waiting a long time, whilst a lesser looking, but more confident man, will be walking away with her.

It is important for men to remember that when they see that fantastic looking woman, who may look unapproachable and unfriendly, she is just as intimidated by approach situations as the men themselves.  She is probably hiding behind a guard that protects her insecurity and self-consciousness.  People who are guarded are often wearing a mask to disguise their true self, so they hide behind layers of ridicule, sarcasm, secrecy, humour or compliance tests.  Although the ratio is low, I’ve rejected women in the past to go alongside the countless rejections I’ve encountered myself.  If I’m honest, I’ve felt far worse when rejecting than when being rejected.  I’m sure the majority of women feel the same way.  Women are pleasant creatures once their guard is taken down, and understanding why it is there in the first place is the stepping stone to feeling less apprehensive when having a false perception of them being out of a man’s league.  So few women are, and they are certainly not the ice queens many men believe they can be.  In truth, hardly any men, in their whole life, will ever meet a woman even close to this level in a regular world.