“As the moment of rejection turns to reality, we reverse, hurried, in hope that nobody of significance observed our forthcomings, and we result in hiding in our territory of comfort. And in a lifetime spent wishing for time to rewind, we strangely hold predilections for the clock to move faster in helping to ease our damaged pride and inflicted pain.”
There will be many times you have seen a couple in the last year walking down the street, a shopping mall isle, a bar or any other social environment, when you have asked yourself this: “what is that attractive woman doing with him?” He wasn’t necessarily an ugly guy, he was just at least a couple of levels below her. Or maybe three or four levels in some cases. What the observing men are really trying to say is “I’m a lot better looking than him. So why isn’t she with a guy like me?” Like most men in this given situation, they’re probably not thinking outside the box to find the reasons.
Women view, assess and select the kind of man they desire to be with in a far different manner to that seen within the gender inverse dynamic. To understand how many of them act upon these contemplations, it is pertinent to understand the process and background to how a woman will actually carry out these emotive deliverables, and how she ends up with these preferences that are often unrelated to emotional chemistry feelings. In a woman’s teenage years she will probably have photos on her bedroom wall of hunky male actors, footballers or pop stars. As she approaches her late teens and early twenties she will now fantasize about these same kind of celebrities when with her friends or in her own mind, and she may even have dated a couple of handsome guys within her native background. However, it will also be noticeable that she will have had relationships with less attractive men too. Now fast forward to her middle to late twenties and see the portrait of her present husband - the likelihood is he will visually look nothing like these posters of her fantasies. First point of call here - a woman’s fantasy and reality selections are from two completely different worlds.
For a moment, imagine a room full of ten attractive men and a room full of ten attractive women. Put them in the same room if you like, although I think it would cause a verbal riot when I state what they are going to see. Both groups are shown a short video of couples walking down the high street. The women in the clip are clearly a couple of grades above their male partner in physical attractiveness terms. These oddly matched couples would represent a high number of any co-habited partnerships when walking down the city and town centre streets during a typical Saturday afternoon. On each occasion it is undeniable that in this respect the man is clearly upgrading in visual attractiveness stakes. When the question is put to both groups to the main reason behind the dissimilarity, this would be the likely opinion:
Men: “the guy is loaded with money and she is on a gravy train to use his credit card.
Women: “he will have a great personality….in any case, like me she has probably dated better looking guys who have a poor personality, they love themselves too much, and they are players and cheaters and not worth my time.”
What do you see here? The men use an automated cynical reason, whilst the women rationalize their reasons by actually finding negatives with other attractive men as opposed to focusing on the average looking men’s strengths.
Both groups will be guilty of the following when failing to think outside the box of their primary opinion:
Men - Inability to think outside the box to other reasons, both in terms of positives to the average guy and negatives to physically attractive guys in general. They do not comprehend the way a woman’s mind triggers so differently to a man’s sexual appeal thought process, therefore they choose the most cynical reason.
Women - Resist in, either consciously or subconsciously, giving all the honest reasons as to why this situation is so common. They choose to illustrate negatives with the traits of all physically attractive men, and they consequently dismiss any vulnerabilities or insecurities in their own mind to dating good looking men.
So let’s list a number of possible reasons to this common occurrence:
- Wealthy man - spends an abundance of money on her
- Security for the woman financially
- Man has great personality- funny, witty, understanding
- He would do anything for her - as he won’t do better than her in physical attractiveness
- She perceives he will be loyal and faithful
- She will feel emotionally secure with him
- She has dated more attractive men who had no personality or ambition
- She can see a long term with him
- He is just her type (even if she has to convince herself of this)
- High status job / Power
- Turns her on / great in bed / well endowed. (Playing Devil’s advocate here – how did he get there in the first place?)
- She likes to feel like the more attractive member of the couple
I’m sure there are many other reasons, but it is the last one I think is worth focusing on the most. The reason for this is:
- Men are rarely aware of this reason.
- Women rarely admit to this reason - certainly not in public, and they probably even deny it in their own mind.
A pre-conceived rejection occurs when someone doubts they can have something, therefore they deny themselves it by convincing themselves that they do not want or need it. This could be an expensive watch in a shop which they know they can’t really afford, so they convince themselves it wouldn’t suit them or that they’d get it stolen within a week. In the attraction field, this is common when a woman sees a physically attractive man. If he is on at least her attractiveness scale in relative terms, she has doubts that she could feel powerful, valued or worthy with him, therefore she convinces herself he would be no good for her in a variety of ways. It can happen the other way, but this is hugely rare. For example, if a beautiful woman offered herself to an average looking or even below average looking guy, whilst he might be smart enough to think she is ridiculing him, he will hedge his bets and see what he can get out of the relationship. Remember, men are far less fearful of rejection, hurt or embarrassment in contrast to their female counterparts. And less attractive men with game (or interaction strategy) will be aware to why many women select less physically attractive men – and they can use this knowledge in their favour. I have known some average looking men over the years to have confidence that does not appear aligned with the way they look. You have to admire men like this - they must have a thorough understanding of the way life and relationships work, along with the complexities that go with it. They will believe they are as important and attractive as any other guy out there. This kind of man with irrational confidence knows how women work in emotional terms far more than the more tunnel visionary handsome guy next to him.
Of course there is a case for women saying the reason they do not date physically attractive men is because they have been cheated by one in the past. They may also see these men looking with admiration in the gym mirror too much, or most importantly, they have the personalities of a goldfish. When I’m in nightclubs these days, the noticeable observation is how self-conscious many of the females are and how self-admiring the males are. When you see a guy go into the bathroom only to check his hair out, then this gives you some kind of idea to the typical guy’s mentality to his misconceived thoughts in impressing women. It’s not necessarily their fault - we live in an era where it is almost promoted to become as physically appealing as possible without any concern as to how to conduct ourselves in personality stakes. So from this respect they know no other way. But the point is this: women are incredibly conscious and constantly raising doubts to their own deficiencies, and they could do without the extra concern of being with a guy who looks better than her. Women require much more reassurance of their social value, both from external compliments and first party inner feelings. The last thing they need, most of the time, is a conveyor belt of vulnerable feelings when in the presence of a man with equal, or more, physical appeal to the watching public. Even if a good looking man has done nothing to raise concerns of her undesired discomfort of his presence, her perception of his character will always rule over reality. More often than not with the majority of women, this perception would be one of thoughts that he couldn’t value her beauty as much as a lesser looking guy would value it. So she will often just think a less attractive guy will idolize her and make her feel like an angel she deserves to be.
I had a recent long term relationship where I was involved with a girlfriend in which third party observers would objectively make comments of us being an equally attractive couple. To a man, this is an ideal scenario. Women may also say this, but deep down they may not mean it with sincerity. When you meet family members of hers and they tell her how handsome and charming he is, her original thought is to think - “great”, I’ve caught the fish in the pond here.” But in reflection in the morning she may think feel an imbalance of power in the relationship. This is all the more evident as a female mind evolves. In her teenage years, whilst she may be self-conscious, a lack of relationship experience hasn’t allowed the insecurities to digest her system. However, as women become older they start to question their encroaching sexual obsolescence in addition to justified or unjustified pre-conceptions that a good looking man of her age (or older) will eventually seek out opportunities to stray towards younger, and often prettier, female interlopers. This thought process only reinforces her active view to refrain from dating appealing men. Remember, no woman wants people to look at her husband, and not her, in the photographs on her wedding day.
So is it more advantageous for men to be less physically attractive in order to secure beautiful women, or any women, for that matter? In some ways, and in consideration to the explained, this is absolutely the case. Women will rarely deliberately pursue in finding uglier men, but they will often be wary of starting a relationship with men better looking than themselves. These two factors manifest in an ultimate occurrence of being open to the advances of men who are a couple of grades below them in physical ratings. If this lesser looking man has other attributes that women value – personality, charisma, money and status, in addition to a smart game and attitude, this only furthers his success rate to appeal to them.
On the other hand, and especially in environments and situations where there is no historic knowledge of the man and woman in question, physical attractiveness is the most critical criteria of both men and women. It is far more critical to women, as most men place the highest emphasis of a woman’s appeal in her appearance. Nevertheless, and with acknowledgement of all other factors that may deter women from good looking men, the instinctive part of the female brain will almost always focus on how a man looks. Seldom will she primarily think that he seems like he has a great personality. With this in mind, a good looking man should always have an advantage in the early and unknown stages of gender opposing interactions. First, these men will have far more doors to open, even if they take time to get through the door. Second, if they do secure a woman due to their humility, modesty and charm, they will have a far better chance of keeping her in comparison to the less attractive guy she feels safe with. It’s like anything, fine tuning and showing her that he is not the stereotypical “golden-boy” she perceives in these types of guys to be in everyday life.
To turn it on its head, from time to time you hear an attractive woman say “what’s that cute guy doing with her?” I often feel like saying that he probably always gets rejected by a woman like you. And she may never admit this is the truth.
This enigma - of women with less physically attractive men - is not something men take note of to the degree that women do so. The male mind is so transfixed onto female beauty – focusing solely on a woman’s facial and body impressiveness - that they often take an oversight of the man she is walking hand in hand with. At the most, it is a passing thought. Women, on the other hand, almost take the exact opposite approach when they view this curious life dynamic. When they see a man that turn’s their heads, their eyes immediately assess the quality of the woman he is alongside. Women are far more comparable of each other than men in this respect, and their competitive emotional mentality, in addition to validation of his pre-selection by another woman, enforces them to acknowledge this particular man is a worthy asset in spite of mediocre looks.