“Did we get there through chance, coincidence, good luck or misfortune?
Once there, was it all worth it in the end?”
I seem to be coming across a number of women these days who appear to be complaining about their life predicaments. Their complaints seem to centre around the trials of being a mother, and the associated burden it puts on their life. To an innocent listener, this may come across as a slightly strange outlook, because if you were to take a cross section of heterosexual couples who had been together for a considerable amount of time, it would be a fair assumption that it was the woman who pushed for marriage and children more than the man. There’s no way of proving it, but if both parties were to answer honestly, I’d put a decent sum of money on it being female inclinations over-powering male reservations in over 75% of cases.
It’s a useful exercise to once more analyze how women usually find their way to marriage and motherhood. I know there are many young teenage women who become pregnant by jerks who then consequently run a mile, but I’m going to by-pass these scenarios in favour of assessing how the majority of women post 23 years of age get there.
Basically, most women will compromise on their sexual optimization, in taking a decision to not be with a man who immediately increases the heart rate, and pick out a man who is perceived to be a more capable provider. Their perception will be that the better looking a man is, the less inclined he is to seek commitment and work hard to provide for her and the future children. A less physically attractive man, with naturally fewer options in the sexual market, is far more likely to appreciate what he has, and he will work his butt off in manufacturing a better life for them. It’s a broad generalization, but it won’t be too far off the mark. Ultimately, most women settle for the men who they don’t instinctively want to be with in visceral terms.
With the above in mind, on the one hand you have an uninspired woman on a sexual front, but a satisfied woman in accomplishing her childhood dream – marriage and kids. You could call it a relationship on her terms, but no man is ever forced to go there, so as far as I’m concerned women have every right to plan out what suits them best. Men, who are usually to be seen as passive and agreeable providing they fulfill their sexual needs (something that, I’m told by various close sources, significantly decreases post child birth), play the draining role of ensuring the woman he wakes up with has no regrets that she chose him.
I have recently been in direct dialogue with a 35 year old woman at work who has an 18 month daughter. She has another child due in the impending months. Whilst there is no doubt you can see the twinkle in her eyes when she brings up the subject of the little girl, it isn’t long before the positive language is replaced with somewhat frustrating words. Another recent similar situation is with the wife of one of my best friends. They have two daughters aged 8 and 12. Once more, I tend to hear more negativity in view of her life than the magic children bring. Maybe this is a simple case of human nature – we exaggerate what’s wrong in our lives and lose focus or take for granted what is good. With both these women, they have husbands who are high earners. If the currency of the world is U.S dollars, they would both be on six figure annual salaries.
I reference only two women, and I could go on and on. The three common denominator complaints tends to be in the form of a lack of a life, a lack of money, and the fact that motherhood has aged them in respect to how they physically looked prior to children coming along. In the case of the latter, there is no doubt that children do age women, and this could be seen if you took two similar looking women from the age of 25 and then fast forwarded time by 10 years. In the regular world, there would be only isolated cases where a woman who had contributed to society would look younger than the woman who had not. Men also age badly through having children, as sleepless nights and the stress of money, work and long hours to pay for it all takes its toll. But male physical evolution, in general terms, is a later and slower process in comparison to the female counterpart. I doubt that many women take too kindly to all this.
But if everyone’s happy with the situation, then all ends well, right? Surely the beauty of bringing someone into the world is all worth the aggravation? Well, yes and no. Women, I can only hope, have an innate ability to care, caress and put their children’s needs before any other such concern that comes with life’s tribulations. With this said, any nagging moment in the day is all put in perspective once they see the little one close his or her eyes at night. But the modern day woman is not a replication of generations gone by, and the contemporary woman, rightly or wrongly, has a fundamental and uncontrollable need to ensure she is having the best possible life too. If she believes that a shortage of clothes, a dwindling social life and baggy eyes are the absolute consequence of being a mother and wife, it isn’t inconceivable for her to go looking for someone to blame. I wonder who that person could be…
So, where does the man of the family fit into all this? The vast majority of men are average looking nice guys, but low in options with other women. When he meets someone who wants him, he will grab it with both hands. I’ve already alluded to how men live their life on the basis of their dick telling them it’s happy, and they will just go with the flow to ensure the woman stays with him. As harsh as this may sound, I would tend to think there is a decent percentage of pregnancies, within stable couples, where no mention of children was ever referenced. Whoops, the pill couldn’t have worked, and pregnant she is. She can’t have a child without being married, yet there’s no way she could contemplate having an abortion. Was it a plan all along?
Suddenly a man finds himself in a situation of hard times. Depending on his age, he may not be too bothered that his freedom has gone, because it may well be that his friendship network was fragmenting anyway. But what this definitely does mean is less disposable income, less time to do what he wants, and hours he doesn’t desire to work or roles he doesn’t please to take on due to the financial pressures that now sit on his shoulders.
These two simultaneous emotional roller-coasters often hit head on in the middle. In the red corner sits female resentment to an unfulfilling life, and in the blue corner stands a weary, stressed and exerted man who has started to blame himself that his best is not good enough. When you consider that the typical child care cost in the UK would equate to an average earning salary, this is pretty much like saying it is no point the
woman lower earner going to work. If it is the woman who, in most cases, will
be the one to sacrifice work, she is as good as asking him for a subsidy to
have a life. If he can’t afford much on
her part, it can become resentment if empathy is not one of her good points. Which side strikes the killer punch first?
Irrespective to how physically attractive a woman is (because physical attractiveness to a woman is primarily and almost solely what gets her to the relative calibre of man), there will only be a minority of cases where a woman can attain a higher calibre man once she has a child. You cannot hide from this reality. Yes, there are exceptions, but why would a man with high quality – hence a man that numerous other women find attractive and appealing - take on a woman with baggage? If he had options, he could locate a similar looking woman with personality of parity who is not a single parent. This is where is it becomes tricky for a woman to contemplate divorcing a man. Most women will be financially wealthier than before she met him, but she will find it extremely hard to locate a future male taker of high standard if she wears the emblem of “children come with me”. However, where the roll of the dice could play in her favour is if a future taker was of similar level. With this in mind, she can take half (and more) from the current husband and form a strategy to make up the difference with the new guy.
What about the man in the bond? Well on the face of it, he is crippled on financial, emotional and psychological fronts. One day he’s living in an affluent area, the next day in a city centre one-bed apartment. He will have restricted access to his kids. However, once the tears dry, the heart is not so heavy and the pride is restored, a man can actually, in some ways, be better off. Whilst he may find it difficult to attract women on a monetary metric – as his ex will have bled him dry of much of it – a divorce and children to a man is not the stigma that the likewise leftovers are to a woman. Simply put, most men (decent men) would be put off by women who have been previously married, or more importantly, who are current mothers. But flip the coin, and it is far different. Although a minority of women are put off by men with past baggage, I can assure you that there is a higher percentage of women who actually see his past as a desirable projection. Why is this? The simple answer: pre-selection. Women love a man who has full proof of another woman loving him. Further to this, whilst a man doesn’t enjoy the thought of seeing a woman’s ex-husband/father of the kids every weekend, a woman thrives on the emotional challenge that she has “taken” another woman’s man.
But of course, there are still the 35% of marriages that see it through. It’s not great odds for the skeptics, but some relationships do genuinely work. So here you have it. A woman wants the life that her fairytale mind allowed her to believe could come true, but once there, she lost out on more than what she bargained for. Men, with fewer dreams of such kind but equal motivation for happiness, perhaps never thought it was going to be this hard. I know this blog may come across as a kill-joy to the great vision that is true love, but I can only say it from how I see it. What I see, and hear, are many stories that don’t have a happy ending.
To wrap this up, it is only fair to point out that a small number of women do in fact come out of a relationship worse off than a man from a financial perspective. I actually have 3 stepsisters who all replicate this, where they have signed up on mortgages with their money as the lay down sum. When it all went pear shaped, the boyfriends ran off with half of the appreciation and deposit. Not only were all 3 girls with less visually blessed men, but the guys were all male losers with very little to offer. I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions to how they got there in the first place.