“There is usually a brighter day for those who live in darkness. Finding that light is just harder without a torch to guide you.”
Komunisti asks for not only my thoughts, but he welcomes any further comments from other readers of this blog:
Hello Vinay, how are you?
Hope you're fine as always!
Well, I would like to ask you something.
As you already know, at my age, and I'm about to turn 33, I have no experience with women, what a shame...
I've learned to no longer trust the happy ending of fairy tales and I know that now it's more than late for me to find a woman.
Not my fault, I, despite my poor social skills, have tried to make friends with women, to no avail.
What I would like to ask you Vinay, but also the other users, is whether it is worth regretting my failure. Should I learn to live with my failure in love?
Maybe in the future I will be approached by older women, I don't know, maybe one day in my 40s a 35 year old woman will approach me. How disgusting.
Well nothing, just a question that has been nagging me for a while
Your question could not be more perfectly timed, because only this morning I had a conversation with a woman in the gym who I had never spoken to before. I will answer your question directly, but please allow me for a moment to elaborate. It is somewhat related to your situation.
The woman in depression
I sensed, whether through attraction or just desired company, that this woman held desires for me to talk to her. She was quite attractive (minus the silly nose ring through both nostrils), and when I started conversation she had a nice way of immediately engaging. Perhaps it is always easier to talk to a woman when she is not giving you great urges to bang her. I guess, when less is at stake, you take the no skin off my nose metaphor to even greater lengths. I digress….
To cut it short, she told me that she had to train every day in order to distract her mind from the depression she has recently gone through. She had attempted an overdose, and she made no secret of the drugs and bad boys which had taken over her life for a decent amount of time in her life. Add on a father who committed suicide at forty-three (also through overuse of illegal medications), two young kids she is mother of through her ex-husband (she married at twenty!), and clearly not two pound coins to rub together, and it did not take long for me to realize how much a mess her life has become.
In essence, I was quite matter of fact with her in my answer. Without apology in my words, I in no uncertain terms told her there are only two options, with no middle ground to compensate. She either pulls the trigger so to speak in deciding there is no way out of her depression, or she finds a way, with all the necessary assistance to accompany, to find that brighter day.
Not for a moment do I believe Komunisti is even close to this level of despondency, but the point of this anecdote was to illustrate, in merely a few paragraphs, how murky the water can appear, and how deeper it becomes. Life never wants to make it easy for most of us. I can only assume, with my own first-hand experience to fall back on, that the tests are to see if we fight back, or give in.
Komunisti asks if he should learn to live with his failure in love. My answer to this – which will seem evasive at first but should hopefully piece together by the end – is that defining himself as a failure on this item of life alone, is by no means a symbol of failing in life generally. Finding love is magical, but I believe people need to look at the bigger picture of love in a (longer) timeframe perspective.
Komunisti’s situation is very rare, and I am not going to sugar coat it one bit. Whilst most men are not exactly fighting off willing female participants to sleep with them, most men will, by the time they die, have still slept with no more than five women. This article only confirmed what I already knew from nothing more than knowing how the world works. In simple terms, most men are mediocre looking and mediocre in other none physical attractiveness desirables, therefore the average man off the street is not finding himself with an array of women queuing up to open their legs for him.
Q-tip 1: Women will try and convince you that men are shitbags, and these men sleep around for fun. The reality is that only a tiny percentage of men do this, only a tiny percentage of men are attractive and desirable enough to be able to do this, and ultimately the vast majority of men are floundering though numerous social or online environments to locate the best (hence, usually hottest) woman they can find within what feasibility allows.
With this in mind, Komunisti has therefore only slept with four or five fewer women than the average man. I think this numeric context alone mitigates his apparent self-belief that he is a failure with women.
Nevertheless, for a man to have never experienced any kind of female sexual intimacy at the age of thirty-three is almost, although not entirely, unheard of. As alluded to above, most men have not slept with any where near as many women as they would have liked to bed, but they will have, even if totally clueless in the comprehension of how women psychologically and emotionally work, had some minor experience with the opposite sex. A decent number of these men will have married and fathered children with the first woman they had sex with. You could argue, and I mean this with sincerity, that these men are even worse off than Komunisti right now. More on that later…
In essence then, deeming yourself as a failure in this respect is perhaps a little harsh, and even a little inaccurate. I can however totally understand why you see it this way.
Regretting this failure, and learning to live with failure in love?
Komunisti asks the question directly – should he regret this failure, and should he learn to live with this failure in love? I will answer each part separately.
In terms of regret, well in my opinion the biggest regrets are formed from what you did not do, rather than what you did. In other words, the biggest regrets in my life, with women at least (and many other aspects of life too), are when I did not approach a woman who I thought was interested in me (providing I was interested in her, of course). Conversely, some of my biggest weight off shoulder moments have been when I did approach exampled woman. Do not get me wrong, far, far more women declined my advances than those who welcomed it, but just the feeling of knowing I could move onto something else gave me so much enrichment and relief that it almost cannot be understated.
It is my hunch then, through little fault of his own due to innate characteristic challenges, that Komunisti actually regrets more the fact he has not rolled the dice with women (hence, not approached more women), than the regret of not actually finding a woman who will take it to the next stage with him. Because, if he has approached and engaged with inundated women, and even if they all turned away in proverbial (or often literal) terms, he should not have any regrets at all. He did all he could within the powers of what he had, and if he did not succeed, there was little more he could have done. To me, this represents more that of environmental mistakes, rather than regrets per se.
The second question – should he learn to live with his failure in love – is entwined with my answer regarding his perceived regret. I am a great believer that it is, up until a plausible point, never too late to learn and fix something.
Putting aside the social character deficiencies, the ironic part of all this is that, at thirty-three years of age, a man is at the pinnacle stage of attracting the largest pool of women. And, I should add, many women who are in their prime (aka hottest years). Women as young as eighteen (granted, this is a minority of eighteen year olds, but still a fair slice) to as old as mid to late forties will find a man at this age attractive. This pinnacle male attractiveness stage – both physical and nonphysical – can last up until forty at least if he looks after himself (although the younger female age bracket range will move up in accordance from eighteen to twenty-four).
Consequently, only you can truly decide whether now is the time to live with this perceived failure in love. My honest answer is that I think there is still plenty of time, even if it means fishing in different ponds (as I have given you this advice previously) in finding suitable women to meet your personality differences. Once you concede for good, you are on a slippery slope in ever attempting to recover and climb back up. Your acceptance could be toxic for your benefit, so choose wisely.
Q-tip 2: Giving in or giving up on something is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. It is easy to fall down, but incredibly hard to climb back up to where you were.
A final thought – what defines success with women?
For further perspective, let us evaluate what defines success with women.
· Some will say the optimum success is how many women a man has slept with, but I do not totally go along with this, especially if a high percentage of these women were mediocre to repulsive looking women. If so, he would have been better off spending his time jerking off to hot babes (although there are many men who can just get aroused by the simple thought of a woman’s vagina, irrespective of what she looks like).
· Others may argue that success with women is determined through the quality of women a man has experienced medium to long term relationships with. Whilst I agree more with this, if none of the relationships lasted, how is success concluded?
· A fair debate is made in success being marrying the best woman a man can possibly attain within his capabilities, and finding a way to stay happy simultaneous to her being a loyal, faithful, likeable and loving wife. I do not hear, and certainly do not see, many couples like this.
A final, final thought
I can fully understand Komunisti’s anguish, depression, frustration, and even anger of his situation. I truly can. Women can be complex creatures at best, and horrible individuals on other occasions. Life experience helps mitigate much of this, but only a dishonest man tells you he has mastered every type of woman out there. What you do is be ahead of the game in foreseeing eventualities, even if not totally aware of it at that precise split second of her misdemeanours.
What I will say, in consideration to Komunisti’s zero sexual experience with women, is that the question should be put to him in this manner. Given the choice, would you rather have lived your life with women the way you have lived it to this day, or would you rather be this exampled man?
1) This man got married in his twenties (he had only slept with two women before his wife).
2) After the honeymoon period post wedding (within the first six months), he noticed her pleasantries started to diminish compared to pre marriage.
3) His wife got pregnant soon after the wedding, even though it was not discussed with him in so far as planning for a child. They had a son.
4) Even as the love in the relationship decreased day on day (mainly on her part), she got pregnant (unplanned again) a year after having the boy. They had a daughter.
5) To cater for the wife’s material needs – largest house possible, nice cars, fancy holidays, kids requirements etc – the man had to take on roles, stress and extra hours at work in sourcing such.
6) As the love fragments even more, and the bank balance and life stress is stretched further still, the man becomes all the more disillusioned with life.
7) The marriage becomes such a loveless existence that one, or both, start looking to play away with another lover. This eventually goes beyond just searching.
8) The two of them get divorced five to ten years post marriage. Even if they stay together, it is a marriage in name if nothing else.
9) As she is entitled to half of what he owns, he has to move into a residence much smaller and worse than what he had been living in. Maybe he even had to live back with his parents for a while, or indefinitely.
10) Even though he has a decent job (that he hates), his disposable income is limited due to the child support he pays, combined with needing to save as much as possible to get back on the house ownership track.
11) As the children get older, even though he loves them like they are his life, he starts to notice they can be annoying brats. Perhaps the ex-wife bad mouths him to them.
12) His bond with his children (especially his daughter) becomes ever distant for every day that goes by.
13) As the life he has lived has took its toll, in addition to the lack of financial assets he attains due to the divorce, the kinds of women he can attract are not exactly of what he is optimized by.
This exampled man is not an isolated male in any sense at all. I can guarantee you that. Most men will be going through/have gone through some, if not all, the phases as described above.
I guess, in summary, my question is as follows. Which life is better? Is it the man who has never loved, or is it the man who has loved but who wishes he never had?