“If everyone followed their own advice, the world would belong to far fewer hypocrites.”
This question from a post I came across made me chuckle somewhat:
“My fiance got his co-worker pregnant. Our wedding is in 2 months and everything’s paid for. He says he still loves me and that he made a mistake. What should I do? What would you do?”
It did not amuse me because of the situation may I add, as the woman has my sincere sympathies, but it was more to do with the question per se, and the subsequent predictable counselling that was returned to her.
Taking the latter first, the comments are as you would expect. I skimmed down a number of them, and the response theme, from both other women and men, is that she should not stay with him, irrespective of the set of circumstances.
Even if clear and simple, and at the risk of sounding obvious, this is the logical and correct advice. As many of the commenters directly said or alluded to, a mistake is speeding in a car, putting on the wrong socks, taking a piss in a public area you thought was hidden because your bladder was exploding. A mistake is not committing infidelity. Infidelity in terms of consented sex is predetermined, no matter how much under the influx of alcohol or drugs you may be.
Q-tip 1: Women and men are very prompt and direct in condemning infidelity. Usually, it is because they are not desired enough by the opposite sex to cheat themselves, and other times they are bitter and jealous because they are not able to do so.
Even as someone who has never cheated himself, I never take a condemner’s words seriously when they speak about adultery unless I know them personally. This is because it is easy to criticize a person when you have never been in that position yourself. If you have been in that position, and you have made the wiser choice than the one you condemn was incapable of doing, then conversely, I am all ears to the words you speak.
The woman’s question examined
With my knowledge of female emotional psychology, the question is also predicable in terms of knowing what she wants to do, and most likely, what she will do (or did). In case you have not worked out my cynicism at this point, I would place a fair bet on the likelihood she did, even after all this, stay with him.
The first giveaway is the question itself. Any person with an ounce of pride and common sense would not need to ask even one person what he/she should do, or what another (hence, the person you are asking) would do. Your pride and common sense alone should look at a person who has cheated on you with disgust, and after the heartache has eased and tears have dried, see it as a lucky escape.
Whilst acknowledging this being a poor comparison, for a moment I put myself in her shoes. If I found out a woman cheated on me two months before our wedding, and she got herself pregnant to the dude, even if I poured every penny I ever earned into the wedding day, credit cards and debt to accompany, I would not even need to contemplate for a single second in staying with her. I could never look at her in the eye without repulsiveness. I could never like her as a person again. I would never hold an ounce of respect towards her from that day on. And, even if not feasible there and then, I would most certainly fall out of love with her as the days tick by.
The woman’s thought-process
Nevertheless, women, and especially a woman in her position, do not act with logic. I offer some reasons to why this is the case:
· There is a good chance the man she is with is relatively, maybe even highly, sought after in the eyes of other women. As clear-cut as this may seem, it is no coincidence that the higher a man’s attraction towards other women, the more likely he is to cheat. Equally, the lower a man’s appeal to other women, the less likely he is to be caught with his pants down.
· With the above explanation in mind, the woman who has been cheated on may think she will never secure a better man than her fiancé. As has been explained in the past on this blog, a woman will usually opt for a sought after but unfaithful man, over and above a less desirable but faithful man.
· In conjunction with both the above points, there is a fair chance the woman is in her mid/late twenties to early thirties (based on the usual marrying female age). Even after her fiance’s misdemeanours, she may feel time is not in her favour to start again and find a suitable male partner. It is almost like spending years climbing to the top of a mountain, falling down, and realizing it will take even longer to climb back up. Time is nobody’s friend, but it is much harsher on women (than men) in the thought-process of having to start again.
· Even as little girls, a female mind is channelled to dream and fantasize about her wedding day. Especially in this day and age, the numbers of men who will propose to a woman (or more to the point, men who can offer women the dream wedding) are dwindling year on year. With this considered, many women, even women who have been cheated on and found out their male partner has got another woman pregnant, will hold a motivation for a self-exposing and attention-seeking day that overpowers the ill feeling his actions have caused.
· As illustrated in this previous post, the way the female emotional mind works is to be more attracted to a man when he attains preselection proof. Even after all this, the woman in the centre of this predicament will find her cheating fiancé more sexually attractive than before she found out. The very strong and sensible women will walk away due to what he has done, but let us be honest, strong and sensible women are extremely rare in percentage terms.
Q-tip 2: No matter how hurt her pride, ego and heart is, a woman will still usually make a decision based on how much she has to gain. This is a simple reason why so many women stay with men who have breached their trust.
A final thought
For all the wise and accurate words this woman received, I did not see one comment which dissected her decision like I have done in this post. This is not any attempt to blow my own trumpet. This is to emphasize how people, and especially men, appear to have no clue to why women make the decisions and choices they make. Women are more clued up than men in their comprehension (after all, they are women!), but they do not take fondly to being exposed for how they emotionally think, and consequently act out.
Q-tip 3: It is in a woman’s interest for men to lack conscious knowledge of how the female mind works in both emotional and psychological ways. For as long as this is the case, they can sustain the life of taking a man for a fool, and him being none the wiser.
In essence, giving advice is easy. What is a far harder task is understanding how people think in psychological respects, and subsequently offering guidance based on understanding how that person’s mind works. If you fail to do this, you are effectively basing your argument on all people being the same. I call that ignorance, for want of a better word.
And as much as many people may criticize my life – in getting romantically involved with women significantly younger than me, abstaining from commitment, never being a father or getting married, taking long vacations on my own etc – whilst there are people out there who have committed infidelity, or men who have walked away after impregnating women (and never knowing or contacting their sons or daughters), I can confidently say to myself, and to them if they so wish to hear it, that I am twice the person you are. If you desire to criticize my life, I suggest you take a closer look to home. Rant over…