Tuesday 12 August 2014

Your rejection, their rejection: it’s more than a coincidence

“You can spend a lifetime waiting for someone to love you back.
Maybe you just forgot they never could.”

How illogical and sometimes twisted the world can seem in our day to day interactions.  Those who have desires of a low profile life or to be left alone are often hassled and chased, yet those who crave attention are left searching and chasing others to offer them some.  It’s not until you dive deep, far below the surface of logic, do you find reasons for this being the case.  Men should then dig even deeper and recollect the times they were successful with women, whether it was in the first encounter or within the relationship itself.  They would profit to analyze how they acted, whether consciously or subconsciously, to bring results of women pursuing them.  They would then do well to contrast this with their failures, and to scrutinize the detail of their executions, decisions and the general way they acted with women.  It isn’t until a man acknowledges a pattern can he start to understand that the successes and failures were not just sheer coincidental, and in fact they were a consequence of the manner in how he carried out the actions with these particular females.

When a man or a woman has their emotional advances rejected, they have to accept this is part of life.  Many women will go through their whole life having never been emotionally rejected, and they will be falsely proud of this statistic.  There is one problem with this so called accolade.  A woman with this claim will have never put herself out there in order to gain rewards, because she holds great need to protect her ego, pride, perceived reputation and value of her existence.  It’s like someone boasting about never having lost a bet on the horses, only for people to later find out they have never placed a bet in their life.

Some men also fear rejection, although the numbers are not even close to their female counterparts when it comes to refraining from cold approaching the opposite sex.  In these cases, they have adopted a similar mindset of that explained in how women view rejection, or past experiences have made them so nervous and apprehensive of the next approach to the point where these men were not prepared or willing to go through it again.  In this situation, a man has made two cardinal errors:
  • First, he has over emphasized the seriousness of rejection consequence as an implication, as he placed too much thought process into the dependence of the outcome rather than the enjoyment of the interaction. 
  • Second, he has formed a belief that a woman will simply find him in the natural course of life.  Again, one huge problem with this vain hope - women rarely approach or proactively engage with men.

If a man rejects a woman’s propositions, he will usually believe he can do better in physical terms.  There may be other reasons, but this is more often the reason behind his inflicting of rejection.  On the other side of the dynamic, when a man is rejected by a woman, at first he can think it is just the way life works.  His logical thought is that she is too good for him.  When we talk about being “too good”, it is usually interpreted by a man that she is too physically attractive for him and that she prefers more handsome men.  However, there can be other reasons too. 

Take two women in comparison - Annabel and Beth.  Annabel is a blonde, short, curvaceous woman with large breasts.  Beth is a brunette, tall, thin, and possesses small breasts and long toned legs.  A hundred men are asked for their preference and it is a complete split of opinion.  With this in mind, it is fair to conclude they both have the same physical attractiveness rating despite looking different from one another.  On a singles dating night, one of these men who takes preference to Beth, starts talking to Annabel.  He has been informed she is interested in him, but whilst appreciating her beauty, she simply isn’t his type.  However, due to his relaxed approach because of his indifferent feelings towards her, combined with his knowledge of her being attracted to him, he acts in a confident, genuine, easy going and reserved manner.  This attracts her to him even more, and she departs by placing her hotel room number in his pocket. 

In a high state of confidence, this man then approaches Beth.  Whilst she is receptive to his approach, he immediately picks up on her distant intimacy in contrast to Annabel.  Nevertheless, as Beth is his ideal look in a woman, he continues with his conversation.  As he talks he extremes between asking her sequential questions - to which her responses are short - and he pursues in telling her too much about himself, his accomplishments and his life story.  Basically, he comes across as too desperate, irrespective of the extreme he defaults into.  Beth thanks him for the drink, but she moves on to a more disinterested looking man standing five metres away.

My longest relationship, and most successful relationship in terms of a woman idolizing me, came after three relationships that left me broken hearted during the two years prior to meeting her.  In full truth and honesty, I chose to play safe after those recent heartaches as it was clear this girl had high emotions for me from day one.  In retrospect, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made, but I can fully understand my reasons at the time.  I wanted to be in control of my heart, irrespective of the consequences or likely ending, and with her I always attained that reassurance.  Out of the four years I was with her, for three of the years I tried to convince myself that one day I would just wake up and I’d be infatuated by her.  Life just doesn’t work this way.  From this experience alone, this is why I understand the motives for physically attractive women calling upon average looking men for a safety option.  My scepticism towards this method is that most of them often will wake up with the same feeling as I had - this being one of knowing there is something missing from the way you should truly feel about the person you love.

So why was it so successful from the perspective of her perceiving me as someone she couldn’t live without?  It wasn’t that she was unattractive.  From all my past female intimacies, she would just about fall in the top half in physical attractiveness terms.  Some of my friends made jokes about how much they would like to “nail” her and that I was so lucky to have an attractive girlfriend.  Simply put, because she wasn’t someone who grabbed me by the gut, in result I wasn’t frightened to lose her.  As I wasn’t frightened to lose her, I acted more alpha orientated, selfish, carefree and independent.  Due to acting this way, despite her protestations of me sometimes acting like I didn’t care, she really enjoyed the challenge of not having me in her pocket.  This knowledge maintained and increased her interest, and she was forever chasing and idolizing me.  Ultimately, and whilst never spoken about, she would have perceived me to have a higher sexual market value than her.  She did infrequently say that I could do better than her in visual terms.

It is only fair to balance out this against many of my failures, both in interactions and relationships.  The trouble starts at the beginning of the thought process chain.  Most men, despite knowledge they can have sex with many women they lack emotion towards, are aware there is a shortage of quality and high calibre women in their social or working networks.  They will also meet many women who give them great conversation, but they are not exactly people they desire to rush to bed with.  Basically, similar to how women view the pros and cons of beta males and bad boys, men know that only a few females they meet in their life will tick both boxes.  So when they do meet one out of the blue, they can get excited beyond productivity. 

Even an alpha dominated man can lose all these qualities in this scenario and commence in delivering beta mannerisms.  A woman’s early attraction of him was one of knowing he is a unique man, someone who other women would want to be with, and someone who has his own life going on.  The problem is due to his compulsions to see her and to show her she is with the right man, he goes over the attraction threshold, he refrains from using the corrective interaction strategy, and he acts too unchallenging and supplicated.  All this achieves in doing is allowing her to realize he likes her more than she likes him, she believes the centre of his life revolves around her (placing too much pressure on her), and she finds him a little too desperate despite his good intentions.  All her attraction and interest is lost, irrespective to his good looks, great personality and striking charisma.  It has all been lost in a flash of her vision, and most men are none the wiser to why she was no longer interested.

There is one saving grace to all the past mistakes, even when a man does once again meet the theoretical ideal woman.  All my past errors came when I wasn’t knowledgeable of female emotional psychology and the way a woman’s mind works in these situations.  Like most men, it is easy to fall into the trap of previously trusting in instincts and the logics.  When a woman has options at her sexual market value peak, the methods a man uses can be unforgiving.  Does more effort equal more gratitude?  Is it the more amiable you are, the more she will like you?  Will the more time you give her, the longer she will want to see you?  Then you trace your memory back to all your past relationships, assess the successes and failures, analyze how you acted in each case, and face up to the conclusions in a truthful  and objective way.  Only then can a man concede that reality cannot be hidden from, and reality is formed from none of the mentioned questions.

It is my firm belief that when a man meets someone who he connects physically and mentally with, he starts to think of the end rather than the beginning.  It is a classic case of focusing too heavily on the outcome dependence.  I’ve been that guy.  Instead of just enjoying the present, many men focus beyond and into the long term, contemplating what they can do to keep her happy.  Most women actually do not need as much as men perceive or believe they do, and if she is high maintenance beyond his means, a man must ask himself the question to whether she is really worth it.  So take away the thought of losing her, continue to act genuine and the man you are, maintain your own life, and believe that if the worse came to the worse, another beautiful woman will always come along.  Even if she doesn’t, life is still great alone, and far more rewarding than being with someone you can never please.


  1. "So take away the thought of losing her, continue to act genuine and the man you are, maintain your own life, and believe that if the worse came to the worse, another beautiful woman will always come along" is solid advice. Similar to what a friend that had been divorced told me in my 20's. There's always another out there and it's when we believe in this scarcity mentality when we go very "beta" and end up in a miserable situation. I've seen it too many times with male friends of mine-they don't see their own worth and potential before its too late. Keep up the great writings!

  2. The last paragraph on non-neediness brought to mind an incredibly important aspect, I think, which is key to this requisite detachment, which is the principle of having a highly fulfilling life via an ecosystem of positive emotions, before women are even considered.

    This ecosystem could be comprised of hobbies or skills you are passionate about exploring and developing, good male friendships and family, some "higher purpose" of service to others, proper diet, exercise etc. whatever it takes to have a really excellent "baseline" of consciousness and good emotions that sustain you reliably, even without a quality woman in your life. Hence even an attractive, sane, and good hearted woman (<1% of pop.) is simply icing on the cake to you as a man that has already built a life of value and self-derived contentment. When you already have a life like this the quality woman is enjoyed when she's around but she'll never be your focus and you will naturally comport yourself in a manner that is consistent with this.