Saturday 4 July 2020

Older woman and younger man psychology

“The truth and reality is rarely grasped by the masses.”

Apparently there’s an internet troll being a little bit hateful towards the English actress, Kate Beckinsale.  In a relationship with a man of half her living years, the troll has inferred that Beckinsale should date men her own age.

First and foremost, whilst I’m a pretty opinionated kind of person, I always say that no matter what my thoughts are on a subject or issue, if someone is making a decision that makes them genuinely happy then I’m all for it.  I’m not this relationship scrooge that thrives on seeing people unhappy.  Quite the contrary, in fact.  All I do is read the somewhat obvious signs that people (usually women) act upon which is down to ancillary reasons outside of natural happiness, attraction and passion.  I’m usually right on the outcome.

The girl that broke my heart

A couple of years ago I bumped into a woman of same age to me who I went to secondary school with.  I hadn’t seen her for maybe a decade since the last time, but she had aged reasonably well in all fairness to her considering she was now a single mother to two boys. 

She was out with her friends, and as we talked at the bar I could sense her peers were trying to lean her towards me.  I made a comment to the group that she was the first girl to break my heart (if you can call it that) when we were 14.  As fate would have it, this was a total blessing at the time.  At that age I barely knew what a penis was designed for, whilst she was merely months later having sex with boys two years above.

She asked me what my relationship status was, to which when I informed her that I had been seeing someone for quite some time, I sensed her optimistic face drop a little.  I asked her the same question, and she filled me in on her going through a divorce.  She then went onto say she was seeing a young man who was only 21 – over a decade younger than her - and whilst admitting it was “wrong” it was clear she wasn’t verbalizing in an apologetic way at all.  Why should she, it’s her life after all.

I saw her later on in another bar, and as she was leaving she made a conscious effort to say goodbye as her group left.  I sensed, through nothing more than experience of similar situations, that she held desires for me to burst out words to the effect of meeting up.  Whilst she had aged fairly well, I wasn’t at all attracted to her in a physical sense.

The hypocrisies and gender distinctions

It’s always made me laugh how the media and mass population seem to applaud a woman for dating a man much younger than her, yet when a man dates a woman much younger than him he is referred to as a creepy old weirdo.  What is all the more baffling is that whilst I agree there is a line to draw in how much the age gap can be in resulting in a happy partnership for both man and woman, a woman with a younger man goes against fundamental attraction, yet a man with a younger woman aligns with fundamental attraction.

Q-tip 1:
The easiest way to look at female to male / male to female attraction is this:
Men are primarily and predominantly attracted to female youth and beauty.  Women are primarily and predominantly attracted to male maturity, provisioning, confidence, status and wealth.

With the above in place and denied (or conveniently ignored) by many but undeniable in reality, in theory, and in practice, the happier relationships consist of women with older men and men with younger women.  The sweet spot for this age gap can be argued until the cows come home, and quite frankly it does depend on the couple in question, but by clear majority women are at their most physically attractive when they are younger, and men become more mature, confident and wealthier as they get older.

So what would sway a woman towards a younger man?

I always remember reading some article that was cougar themed, and the one commenter that stood out was actually a woman.  The comment was a breath of fresh air, bearing in mind the words came from a female mouth, so to speak.  Her words were, to the effect, that when a woman is with a younger man the attraction (on the woman’s part) isn’t about his youth, and it is in fact about her own youth.  I thought this summed it up perfectly.  To elaborate on what she said, basically a woman who seeks out a younger man isn’t essentially going for him because she is attracted to him.  She goes for him because it makes her feel better about herself.

Here’s the stand out reasons women will go for younger men:

·       A woman will worry about getting older in simultaneous timeframe to her declining physical beauty.  This emotion can often happen as early as her mid to late twenties.  To counteract this negative and irritable feeling, a younger man can, for a short period of time, paper over these cracks in reassuring her mind that she is still young and beautiful. 
·       In association with the above point, a woman will think that a younger male hand in hand will impress her female friends, rivals and social media army.
·       Women in their mid to late twenties and beyond will see inundated competition from younger women joining the night scene and other social environments.  This competition – from often more eye-catching women – acts as a question mark to her standing in the overall female hierarchy.  Once more, reassurance of these doubts can be compensated by dating a younger man.
·       The highest quality and most sought after men are attracted to women their own age and, when men move past their mid 20’s, women who are younger than them.  With a seemingly much smaller pool of high quality men at their disposal, some older women will try and negate this irritation by going for younger men.  It is a way of getting their own back on the scenario.

It is fair to say that a minority of women (and it cannot be stressed enough in this being a tiny minority) do hunt for younger men due to primary hunger to satisfy their physical attraction and sexual needs.  Nevertheless, let it be said this is a negligible number in comparison to those women who carry out these decisions in order to feel better about things within themselves. 

A final thought

I got involved with two women last year who were aged 22 and 23.  The 22 year old looked her age, whilst the 23 year old looked 25 to 26.  The woman of 22 was all up for it, whilst the one of 23 said I was too old.  There were character and ego differentials (22 year old girl went with her heart, 23 year old girl had a big ego and as evidence has recently proved prefers to date men significantly less good looking than her) between the two, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the younger looking 22 year old had older parents (her dad was turning 60 that year), whilst the 23 year old more mature looking women had parents who birthed her when they were in their teens or slightly older. 

Q-tip 2:
If you are an older guy who tends to emotionally collide, whether through deliberation or circumstance, with considerably younger women, all else equal you will have much greater success and positive forthcoming nature from a woman in a line graph as the older her parents are.  The younger the parents, the more likely she will stick to men her own age or even younger.

A final, final thought

Don’t get me wrong, there are some men who also take an ego boost from dating younger women.  This is still secondary to his instinctive physical attraction towards her, but it isn’t uncommon for the good feeling of a younger trophy wife per se.

I’m not one of those men, I can assure you of that.  If every 50 year old woman looked like Jennifer Lopez then I’d have no problem and every inclination to be with a woman older than me, but the reality is most woman in the real world post 40 aren’t even close to being as physically attractive to women in their 30’s.  Likewise, most women in their 30’s aren’t as physically attractive in contrast to women in their 20’s.

So when you do see women with much younger men, generally speaking these men are low sought after men and/or men of low confidence who believe they cannot secure a younger and hotter woman.  It is kind of the same replication of a woman, irrespective of her age or her male partner’s age, generally placing safer bets in being with a less physically attractive man.  She will know he attains fewer female suitors.  A man who settles for an older woman knows she will be of much lower maintenance in this matter too – as far fewer (if any) other men will find her attractive and hunt her down.



  1. Hello,

    I would like to say that your work is very good, however, I have noticed an oversight that cannot be overlooked.

    You say that women's egos are their main disadvantage, like when an 8/10th girl despises a handsome boy. As I said in this website, I am handsome and Asperger's.

    My lack of relationships gives me free time to think. My question is: why would a pretty blue-eyed blonde girl convert to some religion and cover herself up, like some converts to Islam?

    I personally know a Muslim boy in my neighborhood whose family has a blonde convert to Islam who wears a hijab and a djellaba. In other words, he covers himself up so as not to show his charms, which is neither good nor bad, it's just like that.

    What I don't understand is, as I said, the reason why a girl would leave her ego aside, ceasing to attract male glances and parties, to assume a different personality.

    Then it follows that NOT all women have an ego or ego problems, because those who follow conservative religions are willing to accept any type of man regardless of his physical beauty and without the ego problems that they are supposed to have.

    I await your answer,


    1. Without of course knowing the girl you reference, reasons why a pretty woman may take precedence in religion/flesh cover up over exploitation of her physical beauty could be:
      1) She is trying to "find herself" by some way of religion, culture and/or new adventure in life (I tend to think the latter would be the most likely of all). Maybe she has made so many past mistakes and misdemeanours that this is her way of removing all contrition from her mind.
      2) The Muslim family are economically well off, and she sees him as a path for a better or easier life. In this case, the sacrifice of removing her physical beauty from the eyes of the world and other men is worth it for a path of provisioning and better path.
      3) Aligned with 1), she has always dated jerks or men who have used her and now she thinks a nice guy is what she wants (if the Muslim guy is a nice guy?). Even though a nice guy is what she needs, he won't be what she wants. It won't end well if this is the case.
      4) The Muslim boy is, despite the religion side of things, actually a bit of a bad boy/popular social proof guy. Let's be honest, if certain religions can condone terrorist attacks as part of abiding by their God, then religion of some kinds is no symbol for being a good person. So if he is a bad boy, all she is doing is nibbling the carrot he is dangling - for her to cover up her beauty. It's a bit like a butter wouldn't melt in your mouth sweet girl falling for a tattooed jerk, and three months into the relationship she has a sleeve tattoo herself.
      5) He is an insecure nice guy or possessive jerk, and her covering up is being insisted by him to refrain her exploitation of hotness to other men.
      6) She is totally smitten by him (which would 99% likely mean he sways towards the jerk curve and not nice guy), and she will abide by his family's religion customs in covering up.

      A list of reasons, with extreme possibilities, but probable that at least one of them will be the reason.

      In response to your final point - "that NOT all women have an ego or ego problems".... I'm pretty sure I have documented on this blog at least a couple of times that the female ego has varied levels depending on her character (whether innate or developed). Yes, the likelihood is the hotter the girl the bigger the ego, but two women of equal hotness can have differing ego levels. The female ego - and how far it stretches - is usually dictated by the respective confidence, self-consciousness and insecurity she possesses, and the decisions she makes on the back of this.

      Finally, a woman's choice of man can have polar opposite reasons to satisfy her ego. Some women (and it cannot be stressed how much of a small minority this is) may choose to date the hottest man they can get in order to elevate her ego in showing him off to her friends and foes. On the other hand, most women (the vast majority) will choose to be with a lesser looking man than herself in order to achieve an ego thrill boost in being the better looking of the two members in the partnership.

      So egos are a complex matter to analyse in this respect, and this is why anyone needs to judge by their own two eyes in assessing what they see by clear majority. My eyes tell me that 80% to 90% of women take the latter option - in dating a lesser looking man.

    2. As always, a VERY good answer.

      Thank you!

    3. Pleasure mate. All the best in your future adventures with our good lady friends, and if you need any more advice or steers in the right direction, feel free to ask.

    4. Vi Nay may I ask you 2 questions?
      1. why your name is split? is Vi Nay? is some meaning to your name?
      2.I think you should publish your book,you can do it easily online
      your wisdom is so deep about these topics,and I think you should format some pdf book and sell it for lets say..9,99?
      this is because many people would appreciate it in a book format...really
      Of course you can do it!,,if you want,of course:)

    5. Hi mate.
      1. Vi is my first name, and Nay is my surname of course!
      2. I would love to mate, but unfortunately the audience for written literature of this kind is a tiny minority. I mean, whilst most women deep down would accept what I write is the truth, <0.1% of women wouldn't admit this (let alone purchase a book about it). As for men, based on 90% of men putting their hands over their eyes and ears if they read/hear what I say, even a lot of the remaining 10% who don't blind themselves to these truisms are still resistant to the reality.
      But who knows, one day I may still do this.