Saturday, 29 August 2020

Can relationships be happy in the modern era?


“Time in the market is more important than trying to time the market.”


The global pandemic has done nothing positive to make many people’s lives better.  Whether that be irritability in spending too much time at home with your partner, realizing you appreciate your kids in smaller rather than larger doses, mental health or depression, unemployment, or the inevitability of less money in your pocket, there can only be a tiny minority of people who come out of this smelling of roses.  At best, some will be no worse off than prior to COVID-19.

I walked into Derby city centre a couple of weeks ago on a depressing Wednesday morning as I waited for car repairs.  Whilst it’s not the most vibrant place in the world, it is still a city status at the end of the day with a decent sized population and catchment area.  The fact it was like a ghost town and demoralising to even the most optimistic mind, made me think what the hell smaller town centres must feel like.  Of course, retail was on its knees well before March 2020.  This has just compounded it all.

Where is all this going?  Well it just made me ponder on how the average man on the street, in particular men in their twenties and thirties, are simply being priced out of even a half-decent life.  In the western world, and England is a prime example, we can be guilty of analysing what we don’t have ahead of appreciating what we do have.  I guess this is just human nature.  But even accounting for this lack of perspective based on those truly struggling around the world, it isn’t too much to expect life to plan out a reasonably paid job for you and a roof over your head that is not prone to doors being knocked down in the middle of the night by thugs.

Unfortunately, and you don’t need more than your own two eyes to realize this, the average man is now faced with a larger gap between essentials (or at least the basics in life) and income to reach that path.  In other words, what he earns is falling behind inflation and grasping onto the property ladder.  Many can’t even afford to rent other than sharing a house with a few friends in their late twenties or even thirties, and quite frankly many men will stay at home with their parents as a preference to this option. 

How does this impact on relationships?

The problem is, in the same timeframe men are struggling now more than ever in financial terms (amongst emotional and psychological ways too), the exposure to celebrity magazines, reality TV shows (at least prior to COVID), internet accessibility to the rich and famous, and social media obsession of high earners (mainly in the form of male sports and music stars), has led women to become more expectant in what life should bring to the table for them.  The two dynamics – male struggles and female expectations - don’t match up well.  It is a car crash waiting to happen.

Male Calibre
1          2          3          4          5          6          7          8          9          10

Female Expectations
10        9          8          7          6          5          4          3          2          1

What you find in the modern world is a battle, and near impossibility, to find the perfect match.  Let’s say Drake or LeBron James is the equivalent of a male 10, and a fat, ugly, smelly, short and unemployed man is a male 1.
I’ll give a few examples:

Male Calibre 5 v Female Expectations 7

I used this as the first example, as I believe this dynamic would fall into the most common compartment.  By the sheer law of average, most men will be 5 in overall offerings terms.  The problem is, the average woman has expectation levels which are a couple of grades higher.  Most women will have to settle for a 5 man, especially as they (women) get older, because even though her self-importance mindset believes she deserves better, no man of higher grade is forthcoming.  If ever you see a woman looking miserable and like she’s been slapped by a smelly haddock, it is because she has settled for a man who was never good enough for her, in her opinion.

Male Calibre 7 v Female Expectations 8 (or Male Calibre 8 v Female Expectations 9)

You may think that because the gap has decreased by a level in comparison to the first example, this woman will be happier with what she has.  To start with, possibly.  As the man is at the higher end of male quality, the first few weeks or months give her a degree of elevated ego and something to get one over most of her friends.  Nevertheless, a woman who attains higher expectation levels has allowed herself to be brainwashed by mothers, sisters, friends or/and her own mind that no man who isn’t a millionaire or of high status is worthy of her company.  This scenario, in spite of only one grade separating the partnership, is as likely to end in unhappiness as the first one.

Male Calibre 7 v Female Expectations 7

This is as near to perfection as you will find, and it will be very rare in the modern day.  A man with male calibre equating to 7 is a good catch, and equally not too unattainable.  A female woman with level 7 expectations will not settle for just any man (an amount of choosiness is a good trait for woman to have, such is the verification she will not just hop from one man to the next), but equally she hasn’t let her mind run away with the fairies that a professional sports star will come knocking on her door tomorrow.  Both parties are happy, and providing both maintain their respective levels, there is no reason for unhappiness to creep in.  On paper, anyway.

Male calibre 8 v Female Expectations 7

I’ve used these figures as the most relevant, but it could also apply to Male 7 v Female 6 or Male 9 v Female 8.  What you find in this case is very rare, such is the fact that women by and large have a higher expectation level than the average man’s calibre level.  If the man has found a cute or hot girl who just so happens to be humble, modest and realistic (hence a rocking horse shit woman!), it is time to jump for joy and ensure she’s a keeper.  However, more likely in this dynamic is a situation where the man doesn’t quite realize his high level.  Some of this could be down to modesty, but more likely it is his lack of confidence.  In this case, the man has gone for a less physically attractive woman than himself – hence the fact she has a lower expectation level than his quality.

A final thought

Where will all this end?  Pure and simple, both parties never end up genuinely happy over a longer term. 

A women will settle for a man of calibre which is below her expectation levels, such is her fear of being alone and her greater need of validation that some man loves her.  A woman who thinks she has settled is never a pleasant proposition. 

Men, whilst theoretically should gain because they will often secure women who are more physically attractive than themselves, also over a longer period end up unhappy.  Because his woman has settled for him in her mind, eventually he has to incur her more frequent habits of mood swings, sassy/provocative comments, disappearing acts, hot/cold temperaments and, most likely worst of all, sex withdrawal. 

Q-tip:
I went for a drink with a friend to a local pub the other day.  Stood at the bar were a three barmaids moaning about their jobs and slagging off their colleagues and work set up.  The women were about 20, 21 and 24.  It only reinforced my view on how hard it is to keep a woman happy, and how she will always expect life to be better than what it presents for her.

In this respect, most men are doomed from the start, and failure of the relationship at some point is almost inevitable.  Whatever you provide for them, it won't be good enough.  With this in mind, as a man you have three options.  One option is to abstain from women in absolution.  Another option is to go balls deep, and hope the most you are one of the lucky men who comes out unscarred and in genuine happiness.  The final option is to live in the life of women, enjoy what they can offer you, but never put yourself in the position of vulnerability where their likely forthcoming thoughts are that your best is not good enough.  I like the latter of all.

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