Older woman and younger man psychology

“The truth and reality is rarely grasped by the masses.”

Apparently there’s an internet troll being a little bit hateful towards the English actress, Kate Beckinsale.  In a relationship with a man of half her living years, the troll has inferred that Beckinsale should date men her own age.

First and foremost, whilst I’m a pretty opinionated kind of person, I always say that no matter what my thoughts are on a subject or issue, if someone is making a decision that makes them genuinely happy then I’m all for it.  I’m not this relationship scrooge that thrives on seeing people unhappy.  Quite the contrary, in fact.  All I do is read the somewhat obvious signs that people (usually women) act upon which is down to ancillary reasons outside of natural happiness, attraction and passion.  I’m usually right on the outcome.

The girl that broke my heart

A couple of years ago I bumped into a woman of same age to me who I went to secondary school with.  I hadn’t seen her for maybe a decade since the last time, but she had aged reasonably well in all fairness to her considering she was now a single mother to two boys. 

She was out with her friends, and as we talked at the bar I could sense her peers were trying to lean her towards me.  I made a comment to the group that she was the first girl to break my heart (if you can call it that) when we were 14.  As fate would have it, this was a total blessing at the time.  At that age I barely knew what a penis was designed for, whilst she was merely months later having sex with boys two years above.

She asked me what my relationship status was, to which when I informed her that I had been seeing someone for quite some time, I sensed her optimistic face drop a little.  I asked her the same question, and she filled me in on her going through a divorce.  She then went onto say she was seeing a young man who was only 21 – over a decade younger than her - and whilst admitting it was “wrong” it was clear she wasn’t verbalizing in an apologetic way at all.  Why should she, it’s her life after all.

I saw her later on in another bar, and as she was leaving she made a conscious effort to say goodbye as her group left.  I sensed, through nothing more than experience of similar situations, that she held desires for me to burst out words to the effect of meeting up.  Whilst she had aged fairly well, I wasn’t at all attracted to her in a physical sense.

The hypocrisies and gender distinctions

It’s always made me laugh how the media and mass population seem to applaud a woman for dating a man much younger than her, yet when a man dates a woman much younger than him he is referred to as a creepy old weirdo.  What is all the more baffling is that whilst I agree there is a line to draw in how much the age gap can be in resulting in a happy partnership for both man and woman, a woman with a younger man goes against fundamental attraction, yet a man with a younger woman aligns with fundamental attraction.

Q-tip 1:

The easiest way to look at female to male / male to female attraction is this:

Men are primarily and predominantly attracted to female youth and beauty.  Women are primarily and predominantly attracted to male maturity, provisioning, confidence, status and wealth.

With the above in place and denied (or conveniently ignored) by many but undeniable in reality, in theory, and in practice, the happier relationships consist of women with older men and men with younger women.  The sweet spot for this age gap can be argued until the cows come home, and quite frankly it does depend on the couple in question, but by clear majority women are at their most physically attractive when they are younger, and men become more mature, confident and wealthier as they get older.

So what would sway a woman towards a younger man?

I always remember reading some article that was cougar themed, and the one commenter that stood out was actually a woman.  The comment was a breath of fresh air, bearing in mind the words came from a female mouth, so to speak.  Her words were, to the effect, that when a woman is with a younger man the attraction (on the woman’s part) isn’t about his youth, and it is in fact about her own youth.  I thought this summed it up perfectly.  To elaborate on what she said, basically a woman who seeks out a younger man isn’t essentially going for him because she is attracted to him.  She goes for him because it makes her feel better about herself.

Here’s the stand out reasons women will go for younger men:

·       A woman will worry about getting older in simultaneous timeframe to her declining physical beauty.  This emotion can often happen as early as her mid to late twenties.  To counteract this negative and irritable feeling, a younger man can, for a short period of time, paper over these cracks in reassuring her mind that she is still young and beautiful. 

·       In association with the above point, a woman will think that a younger male hand in hand will impress her female friends, rivals and social media army.

·       Women in their mid to late twenties and beyond will see inundated competition from younger women joining the night scene and other social environments.  This competition – from often more eye-catching women – acts as a question mark to her standing in the overall female hierarchy.  Once more, reassurance of these doubts can be compensated by dating a younger man.

·       The highest quality and most sought after men are attracted to women their own age and, when men move past their mid 20’s, women who are younger than them.  With a seemingly much smaller pool of high quality men at their disposal, some older women will try and negate this irritation by going for younger men.  It is a way of getting their own back on the scenario.

It is fair to say that a minority of women (and it cannot be stressed enough in this being a tiny minority) do hunt for younger men due to primary hunger to satisfy their physical attraction and sexual needs.  Nevertheless, let it be said this is a negligible number in comparison to those women who carry out these decisions in order to feel better about things within themselves. 

A final thought

I got involved with two women last year who were aged 22 and 23.  The 22 year old looked her age, whilst the 23 year old looked 25 to 26.  The woman of 22 was all up for it, whilst the one of 23 said I was too old.  There were character and ego differentials (22 year old girl went with her heart, 23 year old girl had a big ego and as evidence has recently proved prefers to date men significantly less good looking than her) between the two, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the younger looking 22 year old had older parents (her dad was turning 60 that year), whilst the 23 year old more mature looking women had parents who birthed her when they were in their teens or slightly older. 

Q-tip 2:

If you are an older guy who tends to emotionally collide, whether through deliberation or circumstance, with considerably younger women, all else equal you will have much greater success and positive forthcoming nature from a woman in a line graph as the older her parents are.  The younger the parents, the more likely she will stick to men her own age or even younger.

A final, final thought

Don’t get me wrong, there are some men who also take an ego boost from dating younger women.  This is still secondary to his instinctive physical attraction towards her, but it isn’t uncommon for the good feeling of a younger trophy wife per se.

I’m not one of those men, I can assure you of that.  If every 50 year old woman looked like Jennifer Lopez then I’d have no problem and every inclination to be with a woman older than me, but the reality is most woman in the real world post 40 aren’t even close to being as physically attractive to women in their 30’s.  Likewise, most women in their 30’s aren’t as physically attractive in contrast to women in their 20’s.

So when you do see women with much younger men, generally speaking these men are low sought after men and/or men of low confidence who believe they cannot secure a younger and hotter woman.  It is kind of the same replication of a woman, irrespective of her age or her male partner’s age, generally placing safer bets in being with a less physically attractive man.  She will know he attains fewer female suitors.  A man who settles for an older woman knows she will be of much lower maintenance in this matter too – as far fewer (if any) other men will find her attractive and hunt her down.

Acknowledgements

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