Saturday 30 July 2016

Young man dating an older woman

“Do we work for today, hope for tomorrow, and worry about next week when it arrives?”

About a year ago I met up with a friend who has been seeing a woman 13 years his senior for the last 4 years of his life.  The two of them met on a night out, and at first I think he was smitten by her mature personality, easiness to get on with, and adult conversation.  He has just celebrated his 30th birthday, as she ponders blowing out 44 candles on the next birthday cake.  She has two children aged around 12 and 14 from a previous husband.

In fairness, she doesn’t look any older than her age, and if I’m pushed to kindness she could pass for a justified comment of not looking a day over 40.  Tick in the box for this.  I’ve only met her once, but she really is refreshing to talk to, she holds no arrogance or bitter attitude, and she is just a good, honest woman on the face it.  She has a good income and can stand on her own two feet.

She really does idolize him (although the validation of dating a much younger guy will be just as strong a motivation as the sound of her heart), and this was illustrated in 2013 when he went to Australia for six months work and told her, prior to departing, not to wait for him and just get on with her life.  She was adamant it could work, meeting him in Malaysia after a couple of months in hope the physical contact could bide some time.  She has recently suggested the two of them take a trip to Ozzie land in helping him reminisce, to which he has told me he couldn’t change the subject quick enough.  Knowing the answer, I asked him why.  As expected, he told me the last person he would want to be with is her when walking past inundated young cute chicks that seem to drop off trees down under.  More on this subject later…

During our lunch meeting, he had informed me she was at a crossroads in their relationship and was tired of living on bi-annual rental, proposing that they should buy a house together through shared mortgage.  He was so confused, saying it was way too soon to feel like ending it with her, but acknowledging he didn’t get excited about the prospect of being a committed family man.  Up until that point, he had little involvement with her kids, as he often said “they do their thing, I do mine.”  Whether true or not, I cannot ever recall knowing a man who has completely washed his hands with children belonging to his current female partner, even if he is not the biological father.  No matter how big or small, the involvement usually comes with some kind of price.

He asked for my honest advice based on what he had told me.  Unlike women (who should never be asked for relationship advice), men are far better at giving advice, because even though most men are not astute in understanding the way a female mind works and how it makes decisions in the emotional world, they (men) will usually base their words on honesty, objectivity, and no hidden agenda attached. 

Q-tip 1:
This is why a woman, and this even includes his own mother, is the last person a man should turn to for the path to choose in consideration to tribulations with a girlfriend, fiancé or wife.  A female mind is first and foremost designed to answer how it suits her own life, and secondary to how it impacts on you.  This is why young men will often be the biggest sufferers of broken hearts, because they rely on this biased but not always honest view received due to not being able to lean on their own experience to why things happen.  A broken heart is never welcome at 15, 25, 35, 45 or 55, but as each decade passes by, the pain becomes that less severe.  This is why it is prudent for any man to date, and not just sleep with, numerous women prior to ever deciding to settle down.

And I would like to think I back up everything I write.  It would have been easy for me to just tell him to ditch her because it won’t work, so that it opened up another single buddy for me to turn to if I desired a night out.  But people should always look themselves in the mirror when making decisions, knowing that your words have implications on others.  So in nothing more than honest words, I gave him one main pro and one main con in venturing on with her:

  • The pro was based on how few women he will meet in the world with her level of personality traits.  Also, she will, with no guarantee, be loyal, faithful, and forever grateful to be with him.  Not many men, especially sought after men like him, would take on a woman 13 years older with two kids.  This will, or should, always give him the power edge on her within the relationship. 
  • The con was based on, wait for it….the age gap in her being so much older.  Of course the age gap as a number is a factor, but the physical appearance differential is an even bigger concern.  He presently looks a dozen years younger than her, so unless he rapidly lets himself go and she makes efforts beyond mother time that slow down her physical ageing, this gap will only grow, and not decrease.  When he reaches 35, she will be looking near 50.  If they last to his 40th, he may as well be looking at his mother.   

As no matter how much men, especially long term attached or married men, try to deny it, the male mind uncontrollably wanders to younger options.  For men who feel guilty about this, perhaps you should remind yourselves that this – men striving for female youth and beauty within feasibility grasp – is the gender equivalent of women grasping eagerly (even if non-verbally) for male status, wealth, and maximum providing facility.  Now who is the shallowest?

The two of them are still together.  My better judgement tells me he will enjoy today for today, and worry about tomorrow by tomorrow.  Not too bad a view I guess, as it’s all about the present when we never know the future.  I can’t tell him what I’d do, because I’d never have got to his position in the first place.

A final thought

If the age was reversed – hence a 30 year old woman with 43 year old man – it would still be a cause for concern in terms of longer term implications, but it is never as conspicuous as the woman being much older.  This is only because a younger woman finds the traits older men possess – maturity, wealth and status – attractive, even though it isn’t the number of his age she finds attractive per se.  In an ideal world, this man would be a similar age to her. 

The opposite applies when you switch the sexes.  Men place maximum emphasis on female beauty – something that is accustomed to younger women.  Again, in an ideal world this woman would be his own age, or only slightly younger.  Unfortunately, hardly ever is this the case.
You will often find women in their late 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s – usually women trying to hold onto their youth – who dismiss the possibility of women outside of gold-diggers ever going for much older men, and because it is very rare in the real world, they can justifiably hide behind these dismissals.  On the other hand, men who date much older women are usually the bottom 2% of male desirability quality out there.  My mate is a good catch in anyone’s objective eyes, and in total value terms he would creep into the top 10% of male calibre.  This is why a dynamic of this kind would leave someone distanced from the situation scratching their head. 

Q-tip 2:
For the more sensitive men out there (and contrary to female convenient belief, this actually reflects most men), it can be easy to feel sorry for a woman post 40 due to the tears often seen from her eyes or the tribulations she goes through in contrast to her happy go lucky female peer who is 20 years her junior.  If you are this man, the best lesson I can give you is as follows: 

In general terms of same aged gender counterparts between the ages of 16 (or younger if you want to be creepy) to the mid/late 30’s, women have a higher mate appeal – and therefore are more powerful in the relationship, and more prone to manipulate, demand, lie, cheat, aspire to upgrade, give up first, and jettison – than men.  All else equal, men then have a greater mate appeal from the mid/late 30’s to the mid/late 50’s.  From the mid/late 50’s onwards it pretty much evens itself out from an options perspective, despite what some wishful thinking men will tell you about dating women (women worth having) who are 30 years younger.  So in essence, both parties roughly have the same 20 year window of greater opportunity, power, and market value in their promotion to the opposite sex.  That seems a fair trade to me.  It’s only female selective speech, propaganda and weakness that allow a naïve man to believe women are always the victims and on the rough end of things. 


  1. Wow funny that I'm reading this, I just got back from a date with a woman who is 16+ years older. She says she has to be careful because I'm too sexy. I've noticed this a lot, always attracting older women, but when I try for girls my age they avoid me. People say I'm really attractive but younger females doubt I'd really stay with them. I'm miss 20s by the way.I've been a long time reader, any tips Vinay?

  2. The best answer I can give you is to refer back to this post I published last year, with particular reference to the bottom four bullet points:

    Of course, I'll give you a bit more than this considering you are a long time reader.

    In summary, based on you being somewhere between 25 to 27 and assumption you have been blessed with good looks (or worked on your physical and non-visual attractiveness to get there), it comes as absolutely no surprise to what you state:
    1) Women your own age are looking for the next sucker who will give them a wedding and, if they aren't repulsed enough by him, a kid or two or three alongside his pay slip. They would not perceive you to be this man, and with their self-doubts of sliding physical beauty, they don't take kindly to a man looking better than them too.
    2) Also unsurprising is the fact that it appears like older women are easier to attract (for dating and relationships) than women your own age. These women are often single mums, divorced, and/or realizing the mistakes they made choosing boring, safe men in the past. Older women fear rejection and broken hearts less - partly due to experience, but also due to having less to lose - than mid/late 20's broads. You also, no matter how much this may prick your pride, have to accept that the internal good ego feeling (and hence showing off to her friends) women like your date attain in dating a man many years younger is as, and probably more, important to her than the visceral attraction she has onto you.

    As for tips... I'm a few years older than you, but even now I know from first hand experience that a decent percentage of women aged 18 to 23 prefer dating older men (or at least the traits older men possess). At your age of 25 to 27, you should strive for women in this age bracket, as not only are they at their hottest but they are at the stage when they place more emphasis on male hotness than any other period in their life. Yes, I place a fair bet that you are not dissimilar to my friend in this post - in probably finding young women immature and annoying, whilst finding older women comfortable and easy to get on with - so only you can make the decision going forward.

    But if you are to follow my advice in seeking younger women of 18 to 23, but still tick the box in finding an easy going and intelligent (in relativity) woman, my tip would be to hunt for girls who are at university (or recently graduated), or women who haven't gone to university but only through choice and not a lack of intelligence. I'm not saying all women who go to university are the brains of Britain, but the sheer law of average should mean they are an IQ level or two above the standard female brain.

    If you are as attractive as people say, the above path shouldn't be too difficult.

    Hope this helps?

  3. Hi Vinay,

    You have just explained 90% of what has been happening to me. Point #1 haven't come to the realization yet, but now that you have explained it makes perfect sense.

    I definitely agree with the stroking of the older women's ego for snagging an attractive younger man. For those ones I usually try to gauge how much they are interested in me versus wanting to show off (if they really like me I disregard the showing off part).

    Also you are right about them being divorced, single mums and/or realizing their mistakes. The one from last week was divorced and she made sure that it was one of the first things that she told me (she was in her mid 40s though, my preference is early 30s when dealing with older women...I was curious in this case).

    On top of that I've also noticed it with a small selection of younger women who got tired of dating losers or abusive boyfriends etc, it seems they will venture onto green pastures by capturing a guy who is both well rounded and attractive to make up for the time wasted.

    Also your tip about dating women from 18-23 is SPOT ON! I did not realize this consciously, but when I recall from previous women I've dated they fall into these subsets. The younger ones aren't intimidated as much and are willing to take the risk.

    And yes I do find some of the younger ones immature and annoying to the point where I sometimes say "Why bother?"

    This was very helpful Vinay, I can now apply a conscious effort towards the points you have given me.