“When the forest burns down, the ashes seeds the green shoots.”
On the basis this man is telling the truth (and unlike women who go hunting for drama and sympathy, there is no reason to doubt the integrity of his words), this story can only bring a sickening feeling to any person who owns a moral heartbeat to their name.
My happiest memory unfortunately is also my most painful.
The girl I had been dating for many years got pregnant, she confessed to me she had sex with two other guys without protection. She had always been on the pill but ran out and was irresponsible about getting it refilled. She did not tell any of us three, and so all of a sudden there were three contenders for the kid’s father.
Based on the timing one of the guys was very unlikely to be the father. And my girl told me that the other guy’s doctor told him he was not capable of having kids due to some issue.
I stepped up and supported her through the pregnancy, I was the one who picked out his name even. When he was born all my paternal instincts just turned on like a faucet. He looked EXACTLY like my baby pictures. I just knew in my heart he had to be mine. It was the happiest I had ever felt.
I held him and he reached up and grabbed my pinky finger with his little hand. His first action in this world was reaching for me and I just lost it. I was bawling and I knew without a doubt he was mine and I would die for him without a second thought.
9 months later I decided to put my mind at ease and do a DNA test. It was just to confirm what I already knew, that I was his dad.
I was sitting in my Senior engineering class when I got the email for the results on my phone. Excited to get my confirmation I open it right away. The results showed there was 0% chance I was the father. I just walked out and sat in my car and cried, I was devastated.
Apparently the mom had tricked me. The other guy’s timing wasn’t off and that one guy’s doctor telling him he couldn't have kids was a lie. She just thought I was the best option and thought she could get me attached to the kid before I discovered he wasn’t mine.
I still loved the kid but the anger and bile I felt towards the mom was crippling. I just couldn’t forgive her. I had to say goodbye to them both.
It’s confusing because I can look back on that moment and recognize it was the happiest I had ever felt. But just thinking about it causes me immense pain. Even now 5 years later I’m having to wipe away tears as I write this.
My immediate thoughts
I hope for this man’s sake, and for other men who have either suffered similar ill fate or men who possess a too forgiving and compassionate character that places them in potential vulnerability in making the same error of judgement, if nothing else he/they can learn from this huge lapse of clear thinking at the time. People, and mainly women, will tell men that love is a by-product of trust. I say, earn my trust first and then I may love you should that trust be warranted.
The first surprising thing that comes to mind is that the woman confessed to sleeping with two other men during a simultaneous timeframe to Geordan. This only leads me to conclude that there was no way she could have hidden this from him, and maybe they all resided in a small town “everyone knows everyone” kind of place. Unless she is a woman who is so into her own self-importance – and could not hold herself from bragging about three men being so attracted to her at the same time (and these women do exist even in such drastic scenarios, albeit if in minority) – any sane woman would not tell the man anything about other men if she has pencilled him in as the “Dad”. Of course, she could just be entirely honest and hold integrity, but then would you believe that if she is a woman who sleeps with other men with clearly little, or no, remorse?
Q-tip 1: A woman attains an irresistible and uncontrollable urge to brag and inflate her self-importance to the world, but it will usually come behind in priority terms compared to how she can provide the best life option for herself. Simply put, women like to feel better about themselves, but their survival mentality usually takes precedence.
With this in mind, I can only draw to the conclusion on this occasion that she had no alternative but to tell him there and then, in hope that (and as it worked out for her in retrospect, at least in the preliminary stage) she had a better chance of Geordan sticking around at this particular point rather than running the risk of him finding out when she was many months further pregnant. Worse still, maybe admitting to all after she had given birth. I am afraid, having done what she did, I cannot ever believe her coming clean about the two other men was born out of contrition. She told him because she feared in him finding out another way.
Lessons to learn
No matter who you are, no man on earth with a pulse can be one hundred percent certain that his female partner – whether it is his girlfriend, fiancé or wife – will never commit such a sin like this woman did. Nevertheless, there are actions a man can take to significantly mitigate her doing so. I list a few. Some of it is with justified critique to Geordan based on the information he has given, whilst some of the advice is more general based on assumption and generalization.
· At the beginning, ensure that your girlfriend knows you will not put up with her shit, so to speak. Whether that be frequent moods, lying, flirting with other men, or talking down to you and making sassy but unnecessary comments towards you (which she will not do a second time if you belittle her back at the first occasion she does it).
· On the back of the above but ensuring this is articulated to her with total forthright and not an ounce of doubt, ensure she knows that if you found out she cheated on you, there is not one circumstance that would make you forgive her and stay with her.
Q-tip 2: Too many women hold an arrogant viewpoint that a decent percentage of men would forgive them should they adulterate. Unfortunately, this mindset is with some justification such is the fact that too many men exist where they think no other woman will have him.
· Should she still cheat on you in practice, walk away without a moment of hesitation. Your heart will be aching, your mouth will be dry, and your tears may be endless, but I can assure you it is a better path than being a lesser man than you aspire to be. Even if that is not enough, further assurance can be given that you will never truly forgive her, and most certainly will never respect her again.
· In the situation of Geordan – where his girlfriend says she is pregnant but had been sleeping with two other men – in addition to telling her plainly that she is dumped, start to ascertain how long she has been pregnant in respect to how that sits in comparison to whether you were having sex around that time. If you were having frequent sex at that time, then this may not be an easy argument to get out of. If it were more infrequent, this could be your starting point to get out without dirtying your hands.
· Believing reasons, like her claiming one man is unlikely to be the father due to timing and the other man is fertility impaired, is not good enough. If she is cunning enough to cheat on you, she is most certainly devious enough to lie to you. Tell her you do not believe a word that comes out her mouth, and why should you?
· If she is still adamant you are the father, then play the innocent until proven guilty card. In other words, tell her that she is necessitated to arrange for a DNA test or/and get her law team involved. If she knows you are not the father, you will not hear from her again. If she does genuinely believe you are the father, then you need to be biologically sure before supporting her through the pregnancy and compulsory post birth child support.
· If tests prove you to be the father, she will attempt to manipulate your mind that she has changed as a person due to this impending motherhood, and that the two of you have bonded in the recent months. She will try and persuade you that the two of you will be great parents and can still be a great couple. She will further try and convince you, concurrent to trying to make you feel guilty if you do not agree and comply, that the child will suffer if the two of you are apart. At this point you must be aware that she most certainly does not have your wellbeing at heart. Even the kid is not her biggest priority. Her priority is herself.
As Geordan pretty much said, he was simply nothing more than the best option out the three of them in her mind.
A final thought
Stories of this kind can only leave a person to question life perhaps even more than the most cynical mind questions it. I am a cynical person, but this cynicism, in my opinion, has only derived from being a realist first, and consequently facing up to such realities and truisms that exist in this sometimes horrible world. I am actually quite a positive person on the outside, but I cannot ignore events like this which somewhat make me negative on the inside.
Like anything, you then must question the commonality of instances like Geordan suffered. First, I still believe only a minority of women do actually cheat on men (although far more women would like to cheat on men, and even more women think of cheating on their male partner). Second, if a woman is sleeping with three (or more) men in the same period of life, it is unlikely she will run the risk of getting pregnant. Most women contrive a pregnancy when they know they can get a sucker to stick around, and when they have found a man with a decent financial standing to support her. Third, you will find that most women who have cheated on men will have done so when they are still in their fun-loving days (teens to early twenties, and hence have no intention to get pregnant), or after marriage (late twenties and beyond, and sometimes after having a kid with beta hubby too) because she has ticked off that chapter of life and her husband now has nothing left to offer her for the better.
With all that said, these disgusting states of affairs do happen, and it is men like Geordan who have to pick up the pieces of emotional and psychological unrest. Some men may not even get that far, because the whole turmoil has manifested to decisions of taking their own lives.
Q-tip 3: With the exception of fate that is too hard to compete with, most aspects of life are within your own control. You cannot always control others, but you can control your own decisions. When you control what you do, controlling others is a far easier task than when someone else was controlling the strings attached to your arms.
As usual well written Vinay. I really thought we would get a last post right before the year ends. Am I asking too much ? Have you ever thought of organizing an email list. Ive actually started archiving all of your articles in case this website gets taken down for whatever reasons. I dabble with internet marketing, if you are the slight bit interested to hear more of what I have to say let me know, it would be my pleasure.
Nice one mate.Delete
Don't be too disappointed, I was going to publish one on new years day but I didn't even switch the desktop on due to a busy day. I'll be posting the next one in the next few minutes.
Always interested to hear more.... Just bear in mind that I've never made a penny out of this blog in ten years, so the chances of me expending anything significant are unlikely.