Saturday 4 April 2015

Tinder misrepresenting the sexual market

“The truth is always out there.  You just need to be careful who tells you the truth.”

A reader asks for my take:

What are your thoughts on this?
Do good looking guys really have this much power?

I wasn’t going to dedicate a full post on this subject, but having hit on the link above, it appeared to me that a little transparency and objectivity is necessary for the more na├»ve, gullible but innocent and genuine thinking men out there on the subject of aspects like Tinder.

The numbers

First and foremost, it is important to take Tinder, or any conventional dating website for that matter, in the true perspective of numbers.  Whilst surveys may try and prove otherwise, my advice would be to assess your own social circles in terms of how many people you know who consistently utilize these sources of interaction endeavours. 

If I’m like anyone else, I would place no more than 5% of people I know who venture onto the likes of, POF or similar, and of this percentage, it would be heavily weighted towards old hags in the office who just so think they can find “Mr. Right” after declaring being the mother of two or three kids.  I guess hope burns eternal, right?

As for Tinder - a method designed for the younger crowd - it would be no more than 1% of all people I know.  As I focus on my own life and never aspire to be a follower or part of a so called trendy crowd (despite being way more “trendy” than these self-proclaimed people), I’ve never been a social proof requiring kind of guy, so maybe I’m not party to networks who partake in this.  I’m not against the theory, as anything that can save a man time and effort in refrained dates to get laid is totally my way of thinking.  Minimum effort, for maximum reward. 

But in essence, my point is that dating websites, and in particular Tinder’s hook up process, reflect such a tiny amount of the dating, interaction, relationship and sex prospects in consideration to the whole population sitting inside this partner seeking bubble.

Good physical looks in the sexual market

In respect to the heading, let’s put some obvious, but perhaps overlooked and denied facts forward:
  • In >99% of cases, good looks for a woman are an absolute necessity to attract men for both relationship and sex nominations.  It’s only when two women are of very similar physical beauty that men start to analyze metrics like her personality, sexual expertise (that cannot be truly known prior to intimate involvement) and empathetic objectives within heterosexual bonds.  If all else is equal, a woman almost always needs to look as good as feasibility allows her to do so.
  • If all else is equal in impersonal circumstances, it is beneficial for a man to be good looking than average looking or ugly.  This may sound like a given, but it needs to be pointed out due to the complexities that are to be further explained.  This is only true because, with nothing else to go on, women’s eyes will turn to males who look the best.
  • When a woman knows respective men on personal terms, or when she knows about other aspects of his life (status, money, personality, commitment likelihood, etc…), she will far more often pick out a man who is less physically attractive than her, even if she had the opportunity with a man who is better looking than her.

How Tinder differs from the norm

As alluded to earlier, Tinder is mainly aimed at the younger generation (pre 30) in contrast to the vast offerings of single women in their 30s, 40s or 50s on the traditional dating websites.  This makes sense, as unlike the profile scripted websites that give women an idea of a man’s occupation, wealth and hobbies, and likewise that gives a man comprehension to whether a woman he likes the look of is a mother (hence disqualification with any man of calibre, unless she is incredibly hot), Tinder is almost like the bar and club scene where male physical blessings trump all else, with the exclusion of social status.

With this in mind, people who subscribe on and partake in Tinder should, in theory, be people who are looking for best looking members of the opposite sex to move things on to the next stage.  At the end of the day, if women are serious about hooking up with delegates on Tinder, they are no different to men when it comes to sexual arousal, thoughts and executions – they want to jump on a ride with the most sexually endearing and attractive.

I use the term “in theory” because although men using Tinder, like any other minute in their lives, are striving to secure the most physically alluring woman, also like any other minute in their lives, women’s choices and involvement with men are born out of totally different motivations.  More on this in a moment…

The outcome reality of Tinder

When I hit on the link published by the reader, one thing I will say is that it would take me a hell of a long time to see that many cute and hot women in my everyday life.  With respect to this, and unless the itemized girls have been cherry picked out from the inundated numbers of uninspiring looking women you see in a routine day (or night) in the UK, I can only go on the assumption that a decent percentage of female Tinder users are of high end (top 2%) physical attractiveness. 

Then I started to look at the interaction shown on the examples given.  Again, a non-existence of editing is not inconceivable, but once more I’ll take it on face value.  With the exception of one particular proactive woman, all the chasing, suggestions and compliments were from the buttons typed by the man.  Yes, I’ll say that the language is far more effective than the supplicated nice guy off the street who wouldn’t dare say a word that disrupted a woman’s universe, but it still attained, to me, an air of male desperation and over zealousness written behind the efforts to conceal true interest. 

And I think this sums Tinder up in a way that most people don’t have the peripheral vision to see beyond.  When you look at the conversation end, it was ultimately the woman giving the man her number.  Whenever a man does all the chasing, and in particular when the hotter the woman strays to the right, the more likely it is for an unhappy and unproductive ending on the man’s part.  Simply put, women are most attracted to men who they have to chase.  And to my knowledge, obtaining a woman’s number has a limited hit rate in actuality of getting laid. 

Q-tip 1:
Ask yourself the following:
Question: What is a man’s main mission when he considers the opposite sex?
Answer: Having sex with the most physically attractive woman possible.
Question: What is a woman’s main mission when she considers the opposite sex?
Answer: For him to elevate her ego, for him to add drama to her life, for him to make her feel valuable to the world, for her to receive attention, and for him to enable her to exploit her self-importance between her own two ears and to any watching external parties.

Q-tip 2:
If you are observant with a woman’s habits, you will notice a firm disparity between the men she most likes to give her attention (hence the best looking guys to boost her social ego) in comparison to the men she eventually selects to take things further with – hence the lesser looking men for safety, an ego boost due to his comparative less impressive physical looks, and appreciation of her existence.

Caveat to Q-tip 2:
This female positive inflicted emotion they receive from good looking guys is at its highest during “non-personal” interaction – in the form of texts, e-mails, Tinder messages, etc.  This is because, when standing alongside the same man, the woman responds with far decreased positive emotion by the way of irritable feelings he gives her due to the physical attractiveness “competition” and de-leveraging thoughts of her beauty.  This will go a long way to explain why a good looking man will catch a cute or hot (usually lower end hot) woman looking at him in a sexual manner on numerous occasions, yet when he approaches her, she gives him the cold shoulder almost immediately. 

So in conclusion…

With regards to the Q-tips above, women and men, even in a proposing hook-up environment, come from totally different angles when it derives to how each member is incentivized by the other.  This is where younger men, but older men too, get lost in the forest where trees have never been cut down.  They think that taking down a woman’s phone number guarantees, at least, further interest on her part. 

But a woman is far more interested in her own welfare and importance than the sound of her beating heart or the moistness of her panties.  If she can get both, then great, but the latter will, with the vast majority of women, be a secondary priority to the former.  Yes, women are more promiscuous than generations gone by, even though this consensus is overrated. This cannot be denied in the way of internet sex tapes that so many more women feel the need to do.  Fine by me, as guys such as me can benefit in this world, but then don’t go moaning years down the line if no man worth having wants you for long term relationship material.

So in essence, yes, the reader is kind of right in terms of good looking guys, similar to the bar and club scene, having the most involvement on Tinder.  But I certainly wouldn’t refer to this as power.  Where he possibly comes a cropper is in believing that all these Tinder conversations led to sex.  Some will have done, but I can guarantee you that the vast majority did not.  These women just like the attention whoring status it allows them to accomplish.  Guys who are claiming they always got her in the sack are lying, and they know I’m right.  I’m sure some people may be thinking “well I know a guy who told me that….”  Maybe there lies the point – he told you.

And as a final thought, Tinder kind of reminds me of lad’s holidays I ventured on abroad to cheap Spanish and Greek resorts.  What you found here was that the best looking guys did receive the most action.  Unfortunately it was usually with the easiest and loosest women who were average looking at best.  The reality is that hot women have no necessity to give it up so easily.  Occasional cuties would offer it, but you had to screen hard even for those willing to take the plunge.  I saw this whole dynamic of fat slag meets better looking guy develop with my own two eyes, and if the truth be told, I even saw it too closely from time to time on the bed next to me!


  1. Here's a related article:

  2. Vinay,

    It's my first time reading this post and it's another great write up I have to say.

    I don't use online dating apps much, but I've been using Tinder and bumble lately to see what could happen. My observations is that I get a lot of matches where my friends think I got it made, but I found that my matches were mostly looking for validation. I was able to get a few of them on dates, those tended to be the ones that liked me the most and left a relationship recently.

    Realizing this makes me sad sometimes because I get a lot of "interest" upfront I think things will move forward, but they are usually a waste of time.

    This is why I focus more on dating offline, even then some females are still doing it for validation only.

    So how does one filter out attention whores? And then locking down a cute/hot female? I find hot females a bit challenging to retain long term