Wednesday 23 October 2013

Do men really understand the type of guy women desire?

“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.”
Charles Dickens, English Writer (A Tale of Two Cities, 2003)

Very few days will pass a man by, whether he is single or attached, when he asks a simple question of himself: “do I really know what women want?”  As whilst the singletons are more often than not seeking the answers to acquire the girl of their dreams, those in relationships have still probably not worked it out for themselves.  Sure, they may believe the right buttons are being pressed in this present time, but how do they truthfully and objectively know this?  Even if they are carrying out the appropriate moves today, there is no saying this will be enough for tomorrow.

When we enter the first stages of a potential relationship, everything is rosy in the garden.  We can’t sleep at night in thought of seeing them next, and we don’t think much about our friends, family or other people from the opposite sex, such is the fact our mind is dominated by thoughts of this one person.  We try and hide our smile a little when we meet up, but in a world of seven billion people, all we need right now is that one person.  No matter which two people belong to this emotional collectiveness, this period of time can only last for so long.  For arguments sake, it is usually up to 6 months, however the initial feeling can quite easily commence in fading well before.  This is when the real challenge begins.  Those out there with a mature, level-headed mind can draw from past experiences and already be aware this time would happen, even before it actually does.  Unfortunately, many people never expect the fire to stop burning, and they are consequently unable to face up to it when the inevitable occurs.

So the question is: who pulls out first of the honeymoon period?  The cynical women of the world, sometimes with justifications based on past experiences, will claim men start to endeavour less after this period of time.  The presents they receive from their boyfriends are not as frequent as they once were, his eyes start to wander towards other women, and eventually he becomes bored and starts to look elsewhere.  In the case of a man who probably was indifferent in terms of his feelings in the first place, this view of how men act will not be far from the truth.  On the other hand, a man’s view may be that his girlfriend no longer appreciates the things he did for her as much as she once did, or the exceptions have now become the norm.  It may be that he is actually acting no different, yet because her expectations have risen, he now has to jump over a higher bar to impress her.  It’s more than a coincidence that when things are going well and smoothly, a woman seems to talk to her friends who are in a relationship and are supportive towards her dating this man.  Strangely, when things hit a tricky patch or there has been a recent argument, she goes running towards her single friends - those who are jealous, and deep down, although never confessing to it, harbour ambitions for her to split up with him so she can join the single female party.  All this brings it onto a recent scenario I encountered:

Many years ago, I’d been in a relationship for 6 months with a girlfriend I was in love with.  I told her I loved her after 3 months, and a couple of weeks later she said she felt the same way.  This was my first mistake - telling her I loved her before she told me.  Nevertheless, the whole relationship followed a similar pattern to that as explained above: butterflies at the start, appreciation of each other, and small debates after 3 months.  Around the 3 month period we mentioned going on a holiday together in four months from that day.  My girlfriend had said she could only afford a certain amount of money to pay for herself, therefore I offered to make up any difference of the deficit it would cost.  This was despite the fact I had been out of work for 2 months at that particular time.  Approximately a month prior to our proposed destination date, she rang me to say she had found a great place to go, and asked the question to whether I was still fine in making up the monetary difference for her.  Between the third and sixth month period in our relationship, I had not received the compensation money from my previous employer.  I had informed my girlfriend of this, but the big mistake on my part was that I did not tell her I could no longer pay the balance for her.  To clarify, there was no problem for me paying my own way, but I simply had no money to contribute her side of things.  When I told her this, she went ballistic, claiming I should have mentioned it her earlier and that I’d ruined her whole summer.  I recall that night she went to see one of her single friends.  The next day I received a text from her stating how angry and let down she felt, and that she would not come round to see me that same evening.  I offered somehow to find the money and pay the difference, but in hindsight this was a huge error of desperation and a wrong move I would swear to never make again.  She made a huge deal about me having no money in general terms, and that I would have to find a location for us where she could afford it solely.  I never saw her for a week.  When we finally did meet up, she broke up with me, claiming we were different people and that my ways with money were unbearable.  She was round my house for less than an hour, unwilling to give it another try or to compromise in any manner.  All I can remember is words coming from her mouth that sounded like a pre-scripted puppet, with her single friend pulling the strings.  When she returned home I received a text, stating words of being useless when it came to boyfriend material, and she offered advice to what I should have bought her for our 6 month anniversary - as opposed to what I did purchase.  For the record, she did send me another text the following day, conceding she was harsh in what she had written the night before and that I was in fact a nice and lovely lad.

The above situation involves the simple facts of that chain of events.  I'm the first to hold my hands up to my weaknesses and deficiencies, but if there are two things I pride myself on it is a lack of bias towards my own favourability, and most of all, my honesty.  I asked many of my friends, family and work colleagues (many females included) for their take on this whole fiasco, and every one of them gave me the same opinion - basically my one mistake was not telling her at the time that I couldn't afford to pay her difference, but apart from that she was out of order expecting it in the first place, and even more in the wrong for making such a big deal out of it.  To give more facts of the situation, she openly admitted to me that she had £10,000 in savings, but she didn't want to touch this as it was a future deposit for her own house.  Maybe this information should have painted to the fact she had no intention in the first place of us being together long term.  Unfortunately, a beta male in love, no matter how intelligent, intellectual or knowledgeable he may be, cannot see the light of objectivity when his emotions of love are placed before him.  With all this said, I would expect all the people she had told would be adamant that she was clearly the guilty free party in all this, and that I was the “jackass” she needed to depart from.

In a matter of seven days I had gone from a man in love, with a girlfriend I thought I knew and trusted, to having an ex-girlfriend who probably believed in the opposite of nearly everything she said.  This also conceivably includes her previous information of wanting and deserving a nice guy, having told me about the many bad boys she had dated beforehand.  I don't believe that any more.  I never realized at the time, but when I consider the number of times she criticized people she knew for being jealous, mean with money or attention seeking, she was actually referring to herself without knowing it.  Hypocrites can be people living in glass houses with oblivious views of their own character, and sometimes it takes one to know one when criticizing another's persona.  I once read a statement that interprets: "if a man needs to find the truth in a woman, he shouldn't believe what she says, but he should watch what she does."  It stays with me all the time.

That last statement may be far too broad to generalize, but it's a fair assumption that most men will have been involved with a woman who falls into this bracket.  They may just not have been conscious of it there and then.  So if a man does encounter a woman like this, what path should he take?  Does he take this theory as gospel, and act on the opposite of what she says every time?  I doubt this would bring about much success in the relationship, especially for the longer duration.  Does a man truly desire someone who he is second guessing all the time?  Men out there can only hope they fall at the feet of a genuine, honest woman, and one who is confident enough to believe in what she says without a thought to the consequences of her self-value or insecurities.  It can seem like a hard task being a man, and despite the low life guys who go cheating on their wives or girlfriends, most of them can be too honest for their own good.  Maybe that's why women leave their men?  Maybe this honesty turns their thoughts of them into a predictable human being with a lack of mystique?  Leave something to her imagination, even if it means silent moments, and refrain from telling her too much, too soon.  In the meantime, there will be men walking down the street, scratching their head, wondering if they do actually know what women want.

Even men who are proactive in their investigations into female emotional tastes will have their work cut out.  A man in his early stage of diving into female opinions will believe, with reasoning, that female internet blogs are a useful place to start.  If this is the chosen path, he should be careful to the content and views he believes from the heavy number of women on these sites, as many of them will be stating words that are not aligned to the actions they carry out. 

Further to this, scientific studies are, on paper, fruitful sources to gain the truth.  However, whilst some of these studies do place them in anonymous and behavioural conditions, the magnitude of accuracy in women’s answers needs to be assessed in accordance of what is seen in reality.

In both cases – internet blogs and science – the reasons the results should be sometimes treated with skepticism and caution is on two fronts.  First, women may manipulate their answers to justify their real life emotive decisions or to conceal their apparent weaknesses.  Second, and more likely, the female mind can often state desires from instincts only to later realize these are not choices they would make in a more rationalized manner.  The best example would be women who are adamant male physical attractiveness is their first priority in a man’s sexual market value, yet they curiously are in relationships with men who are far less visually appealing to the outside world.  This isn’t to say science is not a prudent source of useful information if a man would like to find out about female emotions when it comes to their choices in men.  Nevertheless, spending time actually observing female habits in various environments will offer a more objective and valid path to what they will do in real life.

A rule of thumb in arriving at a reasonable conclusion when it comes to establishing women’s emotional decisions is to split the group into thirds.  That is, if asked about a touching subject involving their tastes in men, a third would tell the truth, a third would direct or deploy their answers in a way to deflect from their frailties, and a third would give instinctive replies that are the reverse to the things they carry out.  Unfortunately, in a time frame that often doesn’t cater for inefficient moves in pleasing women – otherwise women would never leave men due to a lack of interaction strategy – men are cornered into taking a view to the most productive actions.  It all ends up back at watching what they do, rather than listening to the words they say.

Women are perceived, and probably always will be, as the more treasured and valuable sex.  When all is said and done, as they hold the key to the reproduction cycle of society, this perception is perhaps with full justification.  As long as there are the majority of men who are average looking beta males – many of them striving to find the love of women who are visually a grade or two above them – these men will continue to be supplicated and give leeway to female misdemeanours.  Consequently, this further feeds the female thoughts of belonging to the precious gender.  This lack of firmness on the male behalf only serves to do disservice to both parties, as men feel the need to always be trying harder, and women, despite not always being conscious to this, are better off in the longer term due to their subconscious preference for men who refrain from idolizing and unchallenging habits.  A woman never should be able to know she can always have her own way with her male mate, and a man needs to learn the art of refusal from time to time.  However, it all too often appears this isn’t the case.  Ultimately, the trend towards this inevitable unhappiness is the fault of the lion’s share of the male population.  Women may hold the key to a sustained population growth, but men need to unlock the combination that is the world to a happier future for both sexes.


  1. Had a similar case of this last year but it was too late cause she had already taken the money I lent her. Never again and the next one will pay the price

  2. You’ve got to understand that we’re not all like this. Only a minority number. If you fall into a trap like this and work it out too late then you only have yourselves to blame. There are plenty of real ass women out there who can be trusted.

  3. Again, more than the consensus allows us to believe

  4. 5% who can, 100% who would like to

  5. You’ll always come across girls like this, but most won’t go this far. I trust my instincts but you have to keep your eyes open. As for the learning part, it would be crazy to read even a single word of a female blog

  6. Yeah sister…we’re the good ones!

  7. Seriously, I feel for good guys getting burnt. It’s the old problem, nice guys do come last sometimes. It’s life. X

  8. Find the forest though the sleaze, isn’t as easy to make believe.

  9. Btw - £10k!!! She should be taking you on holiday

  10. It’s true that some women do like to be treated once in awhile. Some more than once in a while too. This is a distinction from gold-diggers though and you can usually sense them early on. I know women who hunt down football players only to end up broken hearted and you could predict this unhappy ending a mile off.

    As for the comment about female bloggers….there are some honest ones out there. Yes, some women talk opposite to their moves but some have good intentions and get confused or the rug is pulled from under them. Always two sides to the story. x