“Mistakes will
always be made, and corrective measures are available.
But sometimes
the doctor will not prescribe, or the medicine is no longer on the shelf.”
A
woman at work in her mid 30s has recently commenced a year maternity leave in
view of her impending second child. Her
husband is the typical hard-working and providing nice guy. When you see pictures of them when they met
10 years ago, he was punching above his weight by a good 30% in physical
attractiveness terms. She told me about
the jerk she dated before her current husband - who was on drugs and stood her
up on one particular New Years Eve.
After the jerk broke her heart, she made the current husband take her on
inundated non-sexual dates, as she told him the time wasn’t right. She realized he was “right” when on another
date with a man who attracted a woman sitting by the next table. This woman gave my work colleague’s date her
number. From that day on, she realized a
reliable, low-maintenance man was what she needed for the future. Don’t you just pity poor fools who are happy
to be second best?
In
irony of how life plays, 10 years on has brought about a pronounced shifting of
the guard. The physical rating
imbalance, whilst still in her favour, is by no means what it was. I’d say the once 30% leverage on her part is
no more than 10% today. The husband in
this dynamic is earning well, and although he’s never going to be a head
turner, he does style well in clothing respects. If 10 years ago would have left him thinking
he won the lottery in securing what he then had in her, I bet not many days go
by when he wonders what could be today. And
in the way she looks at me, I can tell there is still a nagging feeling in her reminisced
mind in respect to the guys she was involved with in her wilder days. But love conquers all, right?
During
her last couple of days prior to departing, she made an interesting point in
response to a comment I made about birthing children being the most important
days of someone’s life alongside the wedding day. She said that having a child with someone is
a far more important choice, as a person can leave a marriage with no
particular required tie, yet kids will be with you forever. It made me think a little further, and she
makes an excellent point. But when I
replayed the words in my head once more, it became a little clearer to the
meaning behind it all. Ultimately, and
in general terms, a marriage is a greater risk to a man than a woman. Having children, in general terms, is a move
that implicates more on women, than men, if things go horribly wrong.
I
always remember when I was a kid at the time my parents separated. It appeared such a big deal 20 years ago, as
nobody else in my friendship network had gone through this ordeal. It was as if a stigma was attached to
divorce, and the failure reflected on the whole family. Surely only divorces happened in the movies? Once my brother lived with my Mum, and I
stayed in the family house with my Dad, the dust did slowly settle. In retrospect, Mum had moved on well before
she left per se, but in truth, Dad (god bless his soul) never recovered from
losing the woman he loved. They were
both to blame as much as each other, but if there is one thing I will never
forget it was how my mother and older brother brainwashed me into thinking it
was all my late father’s fault. I
forgive them both for their misdemeanours, but erasing it from my mind is a far
more difficult task.
Nevertheless,
what cannot be denied is that the perception of divorce has most certainly
changed. It is almost a given in this
day and age, and to say it is a flip of the coin for a marriage to work out is
being generous to optimists. The odds
are on it not working out. So many
people dive in due to the concerns that time is running out, but would an extra
year getting to know each other better really have been such a sacrifice? Then again, would it have made any difference
to the overall outcome?
When
all is said and done, and people from both sides can argue with weak reason, a
wedding day is usually a female inclination and a male acting like a lapdog
with a cheque book. Sure, this is a
broad statement, but with the exception of daughters belonging to extremely
wealthy parents, I’d stake a large amount of money on the assumption that the
majority of weddings in the western world are primarily funded by the man. Let’s face it, most men believe the best way
to lock down a woman, especially when he is with a better looking woman, is to
give her what she wants. What she wants
the most is a wedding day to show off to the world.
Many
couples get carried away with the wedding, and in turn they take a certain
level of oversight to the fact they should, in theory and in vows, be spending
the rest of their life as husband and wife.
Then we go back to the consequences of a failed marriage, and the
repercussions for women are more forgiving than for men. Women may bemoan that they cannot afford to
leave a man because she would have to downgrade their lifestyle and living
arrangements, but this is a poor argument.
A woman will very rarely come out of a divorce worse off in financial
terms than before she met the man she now can’t stand the sight of. A man, on the other hand, will at best come
out no worse off, but more likely he will have to give some of his share in
protection of her not pursuing legal (but not moral) rights to his pension fund
or savings pot.
In
the interim period between jettison contemplation and divorce paper signatures,
there is nothing to stop a woman going out with the ladies to find a more
suitable man. If a hunted man finds a
married woman physically attractive, he isn’t going to let the wedding ring
stand in the way of a sexual adventure. She
will know early on that her marriage will not last long term, and deep down she
will have probably known this as she walked down the aisle. But the big day, and exploitation it brings,
is a bigger prize than the risk of the marriage not working out. And whilst it has been referenced on this
blog before, remember that the majority of divorces are initiated by women.
So
if women are the big winners out of marriage, why are they the big losers out
of failed relationships with children involved?
As mentioned above, a married woman with quality will still be desirable
to other men. Personally speaking, I
would always choose an unmarried woman over one sporting a ring if all else is
equal, and I’d be confident in predicting this applies to nearly all other men
too. However, I would pick a married
woman who made my balls hard over a single woman I was indifferent about. But then throw kids into the equation and I
would expect most men, like myself, start to think a little differently about
the whole proposition.
There’s
no way of hiding from reality, as once a woman has a child she is no longer as
desirable to as large a pool of men in comparison to prior pregnancy. Even if she is as hot as hell, she still will
not have as many members of the opposite sex considering her as long term
girlfriend potential. Not only does a
man have to deal with the natural father being in his face every weekend, but
the likelihood is less sex, less money, less time and less appreciation as a
ramification of venturing in with a single mother. Unless I’m missing something in my life, I
don’t see many high quality men - with options in women - settling down with
current mums. The men I do see taking
this route are usually low in confidence and choices, along with high belief
that they can do no better.
But
why doesn’t fatherhood negatively implicate on a man’s future dating success in
the same way it restricts a woman? Folks,
it’s all been said before on this blog.
Basically, women are attracted to pre-selected men, and a man with a kid
proves to other women that he must be worth taking. They also thrive on fighting for a man’s
attention – something that is not easily given to her due to his parentage
commitments. At worst, a man’s array of
female followers decreases in small amounts.
More likely is the avenue to a wider range of admiration.
Fundamentally,
women crave for the big wedding day, and they are less at risk to the
consequences of a marriage break-up.
They are the winners if a marriage fails and children are absent from
the relationship. Once married and with
kids, women will still gain financially in comparison to before meeting the
respective man, but this will be relative to the ex-husbands wealth. If he is high earning, the better off she
is. If he is holds down dead end jobs,
she will be no better off, almost to the point where it could be harder to
survive than when with him (although the UK benefits system makes sure this
rarely is the circumstance).
In
terms of future relationships, women need to tread more carefully once children
are within the bond. Some young women
think that having a kid with a sought after jerk will ensure he has to settle
down with her, but this seldom has a happy ending. Being a father isn’t going to make him stick
around in its entirety, and it never seizes to amaze me how less admiring these
girls are of the once appealing bad boy when nappies and sleepless nights are
the new life. Simply put, the need for
challenge, drama and social proof to external parties – that were the primary
motivators in tracking down the jerk - is negated when a baby is puking on her
or waking the house up in the early hours of the morning.
Although
you do find women, by and large, are more forthcoming in becoming a parent than
their male partners, there is no doubting that you will come across occasional
couples where the man is pushing forward and the woman is holding back. Sometimes this is because the woman is of
genuine career orientation, but just as probable is the fact she isn’t sure the
man she is with is “the one”. This can
even be after the two have become man and wife.
If
I was that man, and my wife was giving me excuses from cloud cuckoo land, I’d
be wondering what her motivations were in being with me. But then again, I’m a clued up guy when it
derives to women’s emotional opportunism and cunning plans. I’d know that a woman can make a contingent
decision to marry a man who has never once given her butterfly feelings, yet
she will reserve having kids with him because of this identical reason. She will know a status of “Mrs” doesn’t necessarily
hold her back in life, but the crying of “Mummy” will do so. Lucky for you ladies, for the sake of your
ego but not your ultimate happiness, very few suckers men quite see it
through the same peripheral vision…
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