Monday 30 September 2013

Five fundamental differences between women and men: part one

 “A dream can never be reality, until your reality stops being a dream.”

Most men will spend a large proportion of their lives wondering what makes women the way they are, why they act in certain ways, and why they simply do not think or process in the same manner as the male species of the world.  In fact most men will spend all their lives pondering on these questions, but they never find answers to possibilities or probabilities.  Some men are so stubborn that they refuse to seek out the reasons, and whilst others may locate solutions, they refuse to believe this is the true situation.  In the latter case it is usually a combination of pride and unnecessary adamant masculinity, acting as an amalgamation to create someone who will in no circumstance concede he is delivering any wrong moves.

Whether a man is a true alpha or beta male, or whether he acts alpha or beta depending on the woman he is in interaction with, if he doesn’t learn to understand the fundamental differences between women and men then he will leave himself a frustrated, bitter and jealous man during his life span with female counterparts.  There may be a small percentage of men who are oblivious to these differences, hence often ignorant or selfish guys out there.  There is an even smaller proportion that does acknowledge the variables in women and men, but this kind of person is so relaxed and chilled about life and women that he just strolls on accordingly.  However, these types of guys are extremely rare.

If you are like me then you will have spent years attempting to change a woman into someone who can think more like yourself, and when failing to do so, or if she doesn’t fit into this way of thinking, you choose to move on in blind faith that the next one to come along will be so much more preferential to you.  Sometimes this can happen, but when it comes to women, especially attractive women (or women who rate themselves higher than most other people would rate them) with a vast number of options, the vast majority hold such a similar thought pattern that you begin to concede a change in your mentality is paramount.  No, the only way forward is to put in the hard hours of reading about women, combined with a perspective of life, objective reflection of your respective dating experiences, and take faith in the wiser head on your shoulders to assist on route.

Men run away from emotional issues / Women thrive on emotional challenge

The first thing to say here is not every man has this blanket attitude.  Nevertheless, take a man that meets a woman in any given social environment: they bond in a great way on the first date, but then at the end of the night she lands him with the bombshell that she has two children, or that she is married.  Totally coincidentally, and unbeknown to him, he has also met her identical twin sister.  She has no kids and is completely single.  Now some devils of men will try to pursue it with both sisters, but given the choice of only one sister, I would comfortably predict ninety-eight percent of men will venture on with the single twin.  He cannot be doing with the emotional problems this brings, especially if he is a guy who has options.  This just seems the logical path to take.

Take the exact same scenario from above, but it is now a woman with the choice of two similar looking men in physical attractiveness terms, with the exact same wealth, status, personality and charisma.  Many women would in fact find the attached man more attractive.  Research at Oklahoma State University (J.Parker, M.Burkley, 2009) was undertaken to prove this, where men and women, equally split in terms of numbers and whether they were single or attached, were shown photographs of a “matched” candidate from the opposite sex.  One group of women was shown pictures of men in relationships, and another group of women were told the men were of singe status.  The same process was repeated with men viewing female photographs.  The findings showed very little difference in men’s interest level, irrespective of the woman’s relationship status.  This was also the case with women who were involved in a relationship.  However, it was the single women’s interest levels that resulted in significant variances.  When the man was described as unattached, fifty-nine percent of the single women were interested in pursuing him. When that same man was described as being in a committed relationship, ninety percent were interested.

The challenge of capturing a man away from his female partner, even if he has children, is more appealing to many women than securing a single guy.  The phrase of “you always want what you can’t have” is never more apparent than a woman in this predicament.  Many single men fail to realize this is the case, and if they lose out to a guy who is already emotionally involved, they just believe she liked him more.  She did, but not for the reasons he thought.

Men live in reality / Women live in their own fiction

A couple could be having an argument about any relevant or irrelevant topic, ranging from sex to money.  Whilst she is throwing her toys irrationally out of the pram, calling him all the names under the sun, he goes and collects his little red book and substantiates his side of the debate with evidence and facts to back up the actual occurrences of the topic they are discussing.  This leaves her speechless for a couple of seconds, but she disregards this evidence with counter-action of denial of it happening, or in justification that he manipulated her into agreeing to it.  Either way, her fictitious bubble she lives in, along her own opinion, hold far more weight in her mind than any reality to the situation.

So if a man has his head spinning like the aftermath of a five minute rollercoaster ride, as he contemplates how she can possibly have such belief she is right, then the best advice is to put his view forward and walk away from the argument.  She won’t concede she is wrong in the heat of

Men are proactive and leaders / Women are reactive and followers

Because of the higher number of women, in comparison to previous generations, driving themselves towards higher levels of education, qualifications and careers, many men can make the mistake in thinking more women have the abilities and inclinations to take the lead in their life.  This is true to an extent, but it is important to remember that this trend is only applicable to a small percentage of women in the dating market, and even those who do fall into this group prefer men to take the role of the leader when the two of them are together. 

Even high status women, by enlarge, will take preference to men who are a higher grade than they are in as many sexual market value metrics as possible.  The caveat to this statement is physical attractiveness – very few women take kindly to their man being more physically attractive than they are – as a small number will tolerate this circumstance, but most will repel from this situation.
Men, as typically fulfilling the role as the main provider, will generally be proactive in elevating their status and potential in life.  Women, on the other hand, will more often than not have been protected, provided for and complimented to a much greater extent throughout their childhood and young adult lives.  This mentality is a difficult one to divert into a more assertive process, and the tendency to wait for things to fall to them is accustomed in their mindset.  A man in a relationship with a woman always needs to be the one with instigating compulsions.

Men are motivated by their sexual urge / Women are motivated by attention

A man’s biggest weakness to his emotional logic is his penis.  This is all the more apparent when an average looking beta male finds himself with a stunning girlfriend.  All his previous sensible, logical and practical decisions are thrown out of the window due his need to satisfy his sexual urge.  Why does this guy spend money he cannot afford on a woman?  Why would a man leave his wife and kids for a younger woman, even if it meant losing all his equity, money and family?  Why does he act all weak in idolizing and worshipping her beyond her comfort disposition?  It is all because of his sexually orientated predilections.

Whilst this generation of women enjoy sex as much as men if with the accordingly sexually appealing male, and they are not as afraid to sleep around as years gone by when a man pushes her sexual buttons, her prime motivation in life is to feel wanted and to have a purpose to her existence.  The way both boxes are ticked comes in the form of receptive attention.  Male attention inflates their ego the most, but they are certainly not adverse to female friends emphasizing her popularity as well.  Facebook is a great example of young women competing with each other, often obliviously and subconsciously, to who can gain the most posts on their status wall.  In the social field, the night out scenario is the best observation.  Why would a pretty woman start dancing or making out with an average or ugly looking guy - one she wouldn’t look at twice when walking alone down the high street?  Sure, alcohol plays a small part, but in the main it is to prove to her peers and herself that the opposite sex values her attraction.  Why does a woman in a current relationship suddenly look down with jealous eyes when her friend gets hit on by man?  In that moment, her relationship is worth nothing compared to the thrill of receiving attention.  An observant person can pick up on this kind of woman, as when she is lacking in male interest towards her she will often start texting or pick up the phone and ring her boyfriend.  This is her way to neutralize a situation and reassure herself of her own importance.  Lastly, what is the reason to a woman constantly kissing her boyfriend in public, yet when alone she is reserved with him?  More often than not it is to exploit her happiness to the world that she assumes are watching on.

A typical night epitomizes how men and women differ.  A conquest to a man is getting a sexual experience out of it.  A result to a woman is assessed on the amount of attention she collates.

Men prioritize a woman’s appearance / Women can repel from attractive men

Let’s start with the most obvious statement and truth in the world of attraction: men prioritize a woman’s physical appearance over any other factor.  Sure, maybe there are one percent of men that do genuinely prefer personality, or even money.  In the latter case it is a male “gold digger”, but some of these men are lying or living in denial of conscious realization they can no longer attract the beautiful woman they truly desire.  As a man gets older, he will require more persona and charisma within someone he seeks out for a long term relationship, but this isn’t to say it is more important than her looks.  I’ve dated my fair share of women from varying countries, with different hair colour, heights and body shapes.  Whilst hard to find these days, it is also a breath of fresh air to track down a woman with a strong mentality, and generally a great personality in avoidance of a high level of insecurity and self-consciousness.  However, if there is one thing I’ve learnt it is this - a man can date and be attracted to a woman he finds attractive, even if he doesn’t find her mentally stimulating.  On the other hand, even the best female conversationalist who doesn’t grab him by the gut in attraction terms will never be someone he can be with on an intimate basis.  Unconditional sex in the short term is possible, but the point is that a woman’s physical attractiveness will always be his first critique.

As women get older, they will place more emphasis on a man’s personality and her trust level of him above how he looks.  A pertinent note here is that this is her preference for a long term liaison, as opposed to her natural instinctive attraction.  Nevertheless, many women can also have issues with a physically attractive man, and this reason is either disregarded or not understood by most men.  I’m yet to find a man to reject a woman he found physically stunning, on the assumption he was single and available.  To turn this on its head, many single women will reject men they find physically attracted to.  She will guard her emotions with justifications like he has no personality, he is too arrogant, or he isn’t her type.  But when the man in question does have personality, he isn’t arrogant, and she does find him attractive, then her argument holds no weight.  The truth is, the majority of women need to feel at least as much value as the guy she is with in terms of physical attractiveness.  If she doesn’t, her insecurity reaches an all time high, and her ego falls to an all time low.  If this predicament is felt, she lives in an uncomfortable and low value state of mind.  She may use rejection statements such as “he looks like a player” or “he’d definitely cheat on me”, but when a woman rejects a man in this situation she is basically protecting herself from her vulnerabilities.  This is something hardly any women confess to, and very few men understand the process of how this works.

It’s not until a man takes the time to study and appreciate the principles to how women think and act, and understands how they are different to men, can he thoroughly acknowledge the reasons to why he was once so frustrated.  Once he acknowledges, even if he doesn’t take amiably to the painful truth, he can adapt, move forward, tolerate her deficiencies, and most importantly, enjoy her strengths for who she truly is.  The most fatal error a man could ever make is to be a misogynist.  He would actually gain greater rewards in living in absolute apathy towards them.  If a man can produce a mindset of deep empathy when considering the issues women have to deal with, without it bordering onto misjudgment of his emotional decisions, this psychological manifestation will result in balanced deliverables that neither fall on hostility or excess consideration.  To me, people have two choices in situations of this nature: to either accept someone for who they are and to get on with it, or to not accept them and leave well alone. 

Acknowledgments and further reading

Burkley, M. and Parker, J. (2009).  Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 45, 1016-1019.