Value balancing act: how to scale it in the eyes of a woman

“Those who have don’t tell, but those who don’t have, tell lies.”

                 

Whenever I have the pleasure of a night out in my local town, it is a joy to occasionally observe the interactions, or sometimes lack of interactions, between the women and men in bars, clubs and even the streets outside of kebab shops.  In some ways it’s like ground hog day, as nothing really changes. 

Guys will be guys - the majority of them appear to be desperate looking beta males, attempting vainly to find the way to get the attention of a hot girl way out of their league on face value.  On the other end of the extreme are those guys trying to act like alpha males who have spent all week pumping up their physical appearance, only to have no concern or regard to what will actually acquire them the girl they desire – this being the appropriate attitude, inner confidence and personality. 

As for the young women: the highest percentage will act slightly aloof and unapproachable, armoured in a weak, self-conscious image of someone who has a sign on her head that says “no man is good enough for me”, but her mind is saying “I desperately want a man to give me some attention”.  A small percentage of women come across as slightly friendlier and out-going, although it is clear that many attempt to turn the night into a fantasy of a local celebrity night out - cameras at the ready, with post thoughts of posting their best pictures on their Facebook page as soon as they arrive home.  Neither group is truly aware of what they are doing.  I guess this is the beauty of ignorance and obliviousness: you can never be aware of your mistakes.  In any case, the two genders hit a brick wall and the 4am dance floor consists of the few libido hungry guys who will now take anything, alongside the few girls left who are minutes away from forming a story of how no decent men are out there.  This is the whole problem in finding a compatible mate from the opposite sex on a night out, as the process flows against the most effective way to find that person.  Women are acting guarded, with expressions of false self-importance beyond objectivity.  In reality, they need to come across as more receptive if they hold genuine desires for men to approach them.  On the other hand, men, who should be acting in a balanced manner in illustrating good attitude, humility and confidence, also fail to hit the right notes.  They choose an extreme ploy of excess supplication or that in being too unattainable.  And 95% of people from both gender pools walk to the closest taxi rank, wondering what they have done wrong.  They tend to blame anything, or anybody, but their own errors.

A friend of mine recently made an interesting comment about how, in his opinion, women come across as much more unapproachable than they were 10 to 15 years ago.  Although this friend of mine has been with the same woman for 15 years, he does have an eye for interaction, very similar to me.  In a way it is a good contrast - similar minds, but from the married male and the single status male view point.  My response to his comment was a question on the basis to whether they are less approachable, or they just in fact come across as less approachable - and in reality they are generally receptive once engaged.  He took my point, but stayed with his instincts that they do appear somewhat “into their own importance”.  We both agreed that in the era of celebrity magazines and reality television programs, it’s almost as if they are vainly and weakly trying to replicate this by convincing themselves that they must maintain a level of value above any guy who may approach them.

So amongst my close observations during these nights out, it is noticeable how very little interaction between the men and women goes on, and when it does take place, very few guys seem to have a clue how to balance the whole value process when with a woman.  It’s as if they are just walking around in the hope that final vodka she consumes will tip her into his arms.  However, on each occasion it does make me analyze how three strategies of sexual market value balance, from a man’s perspective, could work or fail.

We know that a woman can view a man’s value in two extreme ways:

• If a man comes across as too supplicated and pays her too many compliments, she sees him as no challenge and consequently rejects him.
• If she perceives his value to be too high, she sees him as too much of a challenge and rejects him in a pre-conceived method.

There are three approaches a man can take, and how it consequently could reap him rewards or fall flat on his face:

Female value positive versus male value negative

In this scenario the man over compliments the woman to make her feel good in herself.  He comes across as supplicated, desperate and sycophant, and makes it obvious, in a subconscious way, that she has far more value than him.  Even if in reality she has lower value than him, in her mind she now believes she is higher.

Advantage

Not much in the whole scheme of things.  However, if he has caught her in a weak moment when she is craving for some attention, with the added influence of alcohol to charge her need for attention and ego massaging, then a one night stand is possible.  Also, a short term relationship when she needs a beta male in her life can be an outcome.  And some women can perceive a renowned bad boy as a challenge – even if he has objective low sexual market value - with thoughts of being the one to change him into a better person.  For a few minutes he will be her knight in shining armour, before the inevitable transforming to a guy who has no life and is no challenge.

Disadvantage

Once a woman knows she is the one with value and power, he no longer becomes a challenge.  Women, being the sex with more options in the sexual market, require a challenge and incentives in order to maintain their interest and purpose in life.  If a man fails in this regard, she will become irritated of him, and his good points are no longer a selling point, with his bad points making her want to depart from him before her soul is ripped through with resentment or guilt. 

Value neutral

This is a fine balance.  The man values her opinion, he has his own beliefs and principles, but he isn’t afraid to disagree with her.  If he knows he is, in reality, lower value than her, he won’t let her know or believe this.  If he is aware he is higher value than her, he will tone himself down and act in humility and modesty, without compromising his value.  A good example of this could be if he approaches a woman and she mentions her boyfriend - he will casually respond with a mention of his girlfriend (whether he has one or not), thus succeeding in neutralizing the value balance and refraining her from thinking she is more desirable than him.

Advantage

Like anything in life, an equal match is usually one of benefit to each party.  Neither is in awe of the other, but likewise, one doesn’t feel inferior either.  Neither party feels like they have to prove anything to the other, as there isn’t a balancing requirement.  This kind of process makes her feel comfortable with him because of her interest in his life.  But she also lives in the knowledge that he values her too.  He is enough of a challenge to keep her interest level high, but not too valuable for her to have egoism, self-consciousness and jealousy issues.

Disadvantage

Even in a balanced situation, this will not satisfy some women.  One woman may feel like she needs to feel a little more value than him, at least in physical attractiveness terms, even if she knows it is neutral.  Another woman may feel a neutralized process doesn’t make him enough of a challenge, although this would be rare in ‘value neutral’.  In the case of her needing to feel she is higher in value, she will make subtle attempts to self-compliment herself in order to create fiction that her value is higher than his.  She may also pass comments his way that devalues him.  Women do this in any case, as part of compliance tests, so in a man’s mind he should take this as a back-handed compliment.  But some women can convince themselves of anything, no matter how far it is from reality, so if she does pump her value up, even if only in her weak mind, she can form a perception that her value is far higher than his, resulting to him being a low challenge.

Female value negative versus male value positive

This is when a woman’s perception, rightly or wrongly, is one of the man attaining far more value than her.  It is the perennial case of a woman giving a man undue grief because she sees upon him as unattainable.  It is a scenario where he is at least as physically attractive as her, and this can cause problems.  Men will also cause their own downfall here by acting too cocky or boasting about their jobs or their accomplishments.  Not only does this lead her to think he is boastful and arrogant, but it also puts her in an insecure position.  However, even a man who acts genuine can often be dismissed by women who feel too far below him in value.

Advantages

Quite simply, the man in this situation is a challenge.  High value men are looked upon fondly by women, and although they know there is a risk of attention from interlopers, deep down they thrive on this.  Most women are natural followers, and they like to look up to a man and see his value in its full glory.  This scenario keeps her on her toes, and boredom in her mind is rare.  If she isn’t too jealous and insecure, this situation of value imbalance is ideal from a man’s perspective.

Disadvantage

Insecurity - especially if he is as, or more, physically attractive than her.  A woman not only needs to feel valued by a man, but more importantly she needs to feel value in herself.  A high value man can make her feel or believe she is weak, even if he has done nothing to enforce this view in her mind.  Pre-conceived rejection is at its most prominent in this scenario, as a woman will reject a man in her mind even before he approaches her.  When a woman feels jealous, bitter or insecure when with a man that she believes has higher sexual market value than her, this can lead to problems for him as early as the first time he approaches her, or during a long term relationship.  Because she will never face up to or admit to this imbalance, such is her need to protect her ego and not come across as weak, the guy will never be informed of her vulnerability, and there is nothing he can do to ease or reassure her if unaware of her fragile pride.

When I speak to various women during these typical nights, it does become apparent how they will react in different ways.  Some are secure, and they appear at ease that a balance of value is met.  Some make it obvious they are in awe of you, and they either hide in their shell or over-compensate with self-promotion and fishing for compliments.  And some women just act in a hostile manner, such is their jealousy that they know your value is higher than theirs, or they believe in the fictional created world of their own bubble to form stories that their value is higher than any man they could meet on a regular night out.

The following mental note should always be placed in between a man’s ears when in interaction, whether in person or via technology, with a woman: whenever he is acting in excess sycophancy, interest or inquisitiveness, he negatively succeeds in two aspects. 

• First, he achieves to escalate her ego, which is no benefit at all to the man chasing the woman as this only allows her to believe her self-importance is higher than his.  Whilst this may make her feel better in herself for a short while – in knowing he is more attracted to her than the inverse – very few women have visceral feelings for a man who is clearly infatuated in them.
• Second, and more pertinent to reward, a woman’s attraction to a man is fuelled when she sees his life as something she would desire to pursue, to follow and to be a part of.  A man following a woman, even on a social network site, is lowering his value to that below hers.  A woman instinctively grasps this low quality in a man, irrespective of his physical attractiveness level, and she consequently loses any glimmer of interest.  Ultimately, a man should never be seen to be blatantly chasing the woman, and although men almost always play the role of the engagers, he has to learn the art in switching the psychological frame to her attaining that little bit more interest in him than he is in her.

In truth, this re-framing of interest shouldn’t be too difficult.  As natural leaders of their own existence, men generally live a more interesting, adventurous and experienced life than women.  A thousand posing pictures of nights out in a local town doesn’t account for, or come close to, the accomplishment of one single picture alongside a monumental figure in a major city of the world.

If a man recalls any past interaction or relationship he had with a woman, whether this was an emotional connection or otherwise, he would concede that his greatest results came when she was intrigued about his life.  This reason alone is primarily why men should have many things going on in their life outside of the time they spend within female intimacy.  Then he will recall the polar opposite scenarios when he wanted the approval of a woman.  He probably didn’t smell her lack of interest at the time, but in retrospect she couldn’t wait to get away from him. 

The sexual market is fundamentally a buyers and sellers industry.  A man should always aspire to be the seller at any opportunity given.  If he is the buyer, as most men are faced into by the sheer circumstance that there are a lack of women with confidence in making the first interaction moves, he should make it obvious he can walk away to a more attractive commodity if the price isn’t to his satisfaction.  Like a car salesman desperate to fulfill his monthly sales targets, it’s no coincidence how a woman will try that little bit harder if she believes validation on her part is required to convince the buyer she is a worthy asset to his life.

Although a balance is required, and a woman feeling in awe of a man is unproductive due to her perception of him being unattainable and high maintenance, the reality is simple: a woman is more sexually attracted to a man when she is the one hunting him down.