Girlfriends in my life

 

“If you dance with your eyes closed, the memories seem to last longer.”

  

Adrian asks a couple of questions on the back of this previous post.

What type of women have been the ones that you have dated, and how is it that you screen for them?

How do you screen women to be homely girls, as you call them. Cause at the end of the day, that’s the type of girl I want. I don’t want headaches. Thanks again.

My response:

The easiest way to answer the first question is to give a synopsis on the five longest relationships I have been involved in.  The durations ranged from five months to over five years, although all but one of them consisted of breaks within the emotional association.  Sometimes I saw other women in those separation to reconnecting interim periods, and other times not.

Claire :- 7.5/10 hotness level

I met Claire when I was at university.  Although she was not the first girl I had sexual endeavours with, she was the first I dated who surpassed the four month mark.  When it did pass this milestone, I started to realize we would be more than just a freshers fling.  We were together for over three years.

Claire was the most confident woman I have ever been involved with.  She possessed a magical amalgamated innocence, gutsy, bubbly and outgoing personality, which was assisted with an air of self-assurance but still occasional doubts in herself.  She put herself out there in an empathetic way, and whilst not enjoying rejection via acquaintances or professions, she shrugged it off and got on with things. 

Even to this day, with comparable physical looks to one side for a moment, I have to say she was the best girlfriend (and wife) material out of any woman I have been with.  I would even go as far to say that she is one of the best in this respect out of any woman I have met in my life.  Even though it seems a million years ago, I still think of her occasionally.  She was not the one for me if I put my hand on my heart, but I doubt her now husband could have asked for anyone better.

In terms of us getting together, it was quite simple.  I saw her checking me out in a bar from close distance, and we had an extended conversation later on in a small nightclub.  A couple of days on, and a mutual friend told me she was interested in me.  Whilst I was not instinctively attracted to her (I actually liked her friend more in a sexual attraction manner), I just felt so relaxed when talking to her.  We started dating about a month later.

Claire was one of those women you could introduce to anyone, in knowledge she would just mingle in with the conversation irrespective to it being someone she knew or a complete stranger.  It was a joy to be with her, even if she still had occasional moments of trying to create drama and arguments unnecessarily.  She was fairly good and willing in bed, but not great.

An important note to Claire and I is that we had quite a few mutual friends.  These respective social groups were not incredibly close, but close enough to ease the initial stages of what could sometimes be awkwardness or silence.  When you know a woman either personally or through friends, the path to something more serious is a far smoother and easier one.

Steffi :- 8.75/10 hotness level

I met Steffi on a summer vacation.  I was queuing for a drink when I noticed this extremely attractive long haired blonde (hence, Steffi) behind me.  When we got to the drinks order point, I was kind of ignored by the bartender, and I somehow ended up returning to the back of the queue.  Bizarrely though, this blonde also ended up back behind me.

When we reached the drinks order point once more, the blonde asked me if I could order the drink for her.  I did, and it led naturally to a conversation.  I remember seeing her eyes look at me in such an obvious attraction that even a half-drunk man could not be oblivious to.

We had an incredible three nights that followed.  I remember struggling to find her in the nightclub on my final night, and I almost resigned to never seeing her again.  The mobile phone signals were patchy, although I almost wondered at the time if fate was just meant to end this way.  I was even considering leaving the venue such was my despondency, when suddenly we set eyes on each other.  I think it was one of those moments where the world could not stand in the way of unmeasurable sexual attraction and love.

To this day, I have still never felt the way I did that night, in that moment, with any other woman.  I am not saying I loved Steffi the most, as I did not, but that one night will stay with me forever.  With this considered though, she was the least experienced and, as a probable by-product, one of the worst between the sheets in respect to experimentation, variation, proactive approach, and willingness to please me.  We lasted about five months, before her university ventures took over her priorities.  

I’ll never forget the day I saw her disappear up the airport escalator towards departures, as I watched on with internal tears dropping to my beating heart.  That was the final time I saw her.  If the truth be told, and in spite of dating more than a few other women in between, it took me a year to get over her fully and truly.  Lesson learnt…

Zoe :- 8/10 hotness level

Zoe, out of the five I refer to, was probably the furthest away from me in respect to compatible alignment of character.  She was not a thicko in intelligence terms by any respect, in fact compared to most women I have met in my life she attained a much more endearing personality and better conversational skills.  Nevertheless, she was the least educated out of all.

We met in a bar on a random winter’s Saturday night in my local city of Derby.  Me and a friend somehow got talking to one of the women in their group (about half a dozen of them), and it did not take her long to ask me what I thought of Zoe.  After saying I liked Zoe, and her friend telling me to talk to her (apparently Zoe had already told her I was “fit”), we exchanged numbers after a ten to fifteen minute conversation.

We went out a couple of nights later, and we dated for six months during a period I was mainly out of work.  It ended quite acrimoniously, and she said some nasty things the day we split (although she kind of retracted the following day, most likely to ease her guilt).  When I look back, it was most probably nothing more than sexual chemistry, and a need to find a long term partner from both perspectives at that time in our lives, which put us together.  Without proof, I would put my house on the likelihood she had slept with considerably more men than any of the others included in this post.

She was not a slut by any stretch, but she did like sex.  Coming to think of it, I think in this dynamic she was a rare woman (especially considering she was 27 at the time) who went for me on sexual attraction terms, rather than being the usual woman who would look but not touch men who look like me.  Zoe was a far better catch than most women out there, however she was the catalyst for me facing up to the truisms of what women can be like.  I guess I should thank her for that, in a roundabout way.  With all this said, I still wish her well, wherever she is now.

Elizabeth :- 8.5/10 hotness level

I doubt I will ever meet a woman again in my life who held such a high average score in overall female evaluation as Elizabeth (Beth).  She was not as affable or trusting as Claire, nor was she not quite as hot as Steffi, but I did think this woman could have been the one, if there is such a thing these days?

Beth and I met during the early hours in a nightclub shortly after I had concluded my chemotherapy treatment, although I did not go into remission for a few months retrospectively (post radiotherapy).  In spite of the hair loss (although it had grown back to almost a shaven look), muscle depletion and pale skin, at the end of the night Beth placed herself in a proximity to make it crystal clear that she desired me to approach her.  I duly did.

I still wonder if my reduced physical attractiveness - at that point in my life compared to my pinnacle (pre cancer) look – actually played a significant role in giving me the 10% deleverage compared to Beth’s gender relativity.  Would she have been so forthcoming, accommodating and receptive if I were on her equivalent level at that time?  One can only go on life experience, and I say 50/50 at best (she was still only 23 at the time, therefore still at the female age when a man’s physical attractiveness is a higher priority).

We started off seeing each other on a casual basis.  This was a surprise looking back, as I was only the third man with whom she had slept with.  I was still finding my feet though after the most traumatic experience of my life, and she was in the final few months of her Masters degree.  It worked well for then, but after a few months we both acknowledged we wanted more.  We did have breaks due to reasoning I will not go into, but accounting for this we were together for over five years.

Love is always hard to measure, both at the time and retrospectively when comparing amongst all and others, but if someone put a gun to my head and asked me who I loved the most in pinnacle terms, I would be foolish to say it was not Beth.  The physical feeling of my first orgasm with her will never leave me, although it has to be said that she, whilst hopefully still enjoying it, was left wondering why over so soon.  In my defence, it was the first time I had sex for over six months (mainly due to reasons as explained above)!

Kaitlin :- 8.25/10 hotness level

I met Kaitlin when Beth and I were still together.  The story is worth elaborating on, because it illustrates and emphasizes how two people can coincidently meet, and then continue with something stronger.

In short, Beth and I were clearly coming towards the end of our relationship for good this time, however we did meet up on a holiday together in Slovenia and Austria.  When we arrived back to the airport in London, she went back in her car to where she was working at Bristol, and I jumped in the shuttle bus which would take me back to my car parking site.

The driver of the minibus asked me to go in the front next to him, as all the back seats were taken.  Thinking we were about to get going, I saw this attractive brunette (Kaitlin) walking past our vehicle, so I took a good look at her in thinking that would be the only time I would see her in my life.  As it happened, she hops onto the final unoccupied seat sat next to me.

Kaitlin smiled at me straight away, and she made a self-assertive comment that she was conscious of touching me in reaching for her seatbelt lock.  I responded by saying she could touch me where she wanted to, and we just hit it off for a mere ten minute journey.  I took her number, without telling her anything about my relationship situation.

The next day though, I revealed that in spite of being in a relationship that looks like it is on the final legs, the facts of the matter are that I was still with someone.  She said it was worth staying in touch, and a few weeks later I told her I was now single.  We started seeing each other every weekend and more up until quite recently, to which it faded into inevitable parting of ways.  Even now we do still meet up occasionally, but it is intermittent rather than regular.

My relationship with Kaitlin was a wonderful time in my life (COVID-19 aside).  We were a great match, and neither of us took the negatives in life too much to heart, in seeing the positives above anything else.  No matter what happens, I will always recollect her with nothing but fond memories.  She was dirty in bed, but honourable, personable, sociable, and comfortable to be with outside of the four walls. 

We both loved travelling, and when I look back it is a great shame COVID-19 came around in this regard.  After living through the final year in seeing Beth become a little above her self-importance station (mainly through the law firm she was employed at, and men who wanted to nail her bad mouthing me), dating a much more chilled woman in Kaitlin was like a breath of fresh air and weight off my shoulders.  I wish her all the happiness in the world, with or without me.

How do I screen for women?

Adrian asks how I screen for women.  In a way, the five examples given are perhaps not the best cases to answer this.  Claire kind of came via friendship networks, Steffi due to her on the spot pursue of me and our instant sexual attraction, Zoe through attraction and mutual inclination for a serious and long term partner, Beth perhaps because of her assessment that I was the best option out of an otherwise mediocre male bunch, and Kaitlin simply down to common sexual chemistry and external interests. 

With this in mind, they were all pretty much reactive scenarios rather than me having to screen, per se.  This goes against the norm however of by and large a man (and very much myself included) needing to be the initiative-taking member, and Adrian asks a valid question to how I screen.

I guess the straightforward way to produce an answer for him, therefore, is to look at the common denominators between all the five women, irrespective to whether they hunted me, or I am to be the would be hunter, so to speak.

·       All upper cute to hot in female physical attractiveness levels.

·       Rare women who put their hearts ahead of their egos.

·       Rare women who are prepared to give good-looking men a clean piece of paper.

·       Women with confidence levels above the female average by a pronounced margin.

·       Women with evidently bubbly and likeable personalities.

·       Women with decent to good professions (or at least a strong work ethic mentality).

·       Women who appear like they have not slept around.

·       Women with good hygiene and odour.

·       Women who take pride in their appearance.

·       Women who do not take themselves, or life, too seriously.

·       Women who do not go out their way to be involved in drama and problems.

·       Women who can be my confidant as well as my lover.

·       Women who are loyal to their friends.

·       Women who can think for themselves, and not be influenced by jealous acquaintances or bad advice.

·       Women who show an interest in me, and do not just talk about themselves.

·       Women who have good family values.

·       Women who hold a degree of reality to how the world functions.

Of course, to tick every box above is pie in the sky.  What a man can do is use his experience with women to know early on where she may sit on the linear of each extreme.

Screening for homely girls

Adrian asks for my advice on screening for homely girls, such is his preference to be with one of these female types. 

The good news is that the vast majority of women, whilst I acknowledge not all sit on exactly the same seat in this context, hold homely girl traits.  Most women do hold firm desires to have a boyfriend over predilection of constant girls nights out and living the life, therefore finding one eventually should not be too difficult on a numbers analysis alone.

Where it becomes harder to find a homely girl is how to establish your screening for one, and then subsequently establishing the traits and habits that are associated with being an extreme homely girl.  Let me assist:

·       If you see a woman always or by near absolution with her boyfriend (in the gym, in the mall, in a bar etc), over being with her female friends, this is the biggest giveaway sign of a homely girl.  It may not be ideal for you if she is currently with said boyfriend, but in essence this is near guarantee proof that she prefers to spend her spare time with her male partner.

·       Homely girls are not usually hot.  With this in mind, a homely girl will most often range between average to cute (compared to hot girls - at least until hot girls settle down with the higher value man - who prefer girly time and social media whoring). 

·       Homely girls do not tend to have a lot of female friends, and more to the point they do not go out in female parties very often.

·       Homely girls, even if usually only on a platonic basis, have a fair share of male friends in comparison to other female types.  I guess there is a sense of this because they are not comfortable in the company of better looking female friends.

·       Homely girls tend to be close to their mothers, although they can just as easily be daddy’s girls too.

·       Homely girls are renown for being shy and conservative in social environments, especially when alone and not in the comfort of anyone they know personally.

·       Homely girls are not greatly confident, and they present with timid body language.

·       Homely girls are very reserved, indifferent, and quiet around strangers.

·       Homely girls are rarely career oriented women, as they strive to find a man with a much better profession.

·       Homely girls are rarely single, such is their lack of motivation for female party existence.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                 Women will surprise you all the time, but will they surprise you less when you get to know them in greater numbers, and over a longer period of life experience time.

Men’s declining looks create enhanced female openings

 

                                            “There is kind of beauty in imperfection.”                                                  (Conrad Hall)

  

A reader makes a comment on the back of this previous post, based on his experiences with women over an apparent decade of his, relatively speaking, diminishing physical attractiveness.

Great post & I agree with your hunch that most of these "Chads" the blackpill folks refer too are above average looking guys (7 to 7.75). A lot of those blackpillers focus on physical masculinity traits as opposed to overall aesthetics.

I've followed the blog off and on since its inception and while I wish the blackpillers we're right, my own experience in my physical prime says otherwise. If they were, this blog would probably not exist. I find they often discount pretty boy traits or a more balanced handsomeness.

Also the older that I get, the more I agree with pretty much all you say in this blog.

When I was in my physical looks prime in my 20s, I struggled with women. I was around an 8, based on your ratings from the photos in your article about mens photographs from July 2014.

Now in my late 30s/early 40s, I'm more of what the blackpillers call a Chad, more masculine looking, but lose some of the pretty boy handsomeness. WIth natural aging and some weight gain, my looks have diminished from an 8 to maybe a 6.75 or 7.

However, my success with women is much better now. Women are not as cold or distant and seem more excited and open to see me. I strike a more decent but not awe inspiring look now.

I would probably do a lot better dating in a big city now than I would have in my 20s

I think having good looks is a blessing & should be something a man is proud of, but as I've experienced as well as many commenters in your blog it is a disadvantage with women.

My response:

Not that I ever needed an anecdotal comment of this nature to reinforce a conscious belief I have attained for over a decade, combined with a probable passing comprehension I held as someone younger too, but it is always a breath of fresh air when I hear a life experience of this kind from another man.  You see, there was/is a method to my madness after all…

As I have stated previously, it is an incredibly difficult topic – the best looking men having trouble getting women to date them (whether for just sex or longer term relationships) – to try and explain to the everyday man off the street.  There are a list of reasons to why this is a hard explanation to pitch.  The list is unexhaustive, but it will cover the main points:

·       One, it comes across as cocky and arrogant to suggest you are too good looking to make women feel comfortable with you. 

·       Two, the vast majority of men, such is the fact that the vast majority of men are mediocre looking, will have never experienced first-hand this somewhat counterproductive scenario for themselves. 

·       Three, men are not very observant or knowledgeable to how women select male partners on a physical attractiveness basis.

·       Four, most men wrongly assume that women think the same way as they do – in believing women screen for the hottest men in the same way men screen for the hottest women.

·       Five, lesser looking men prefer to think, and take egotistical comfort in thinking, that the main reason women will box below their weight in physical looks terms with male partners is because of what a lesser looking man has to offer her – status, money, personality, profession, confidence, manhood size etc.

·       Six, it puts a lesser man’s nose out of joint when an exampled much better looking man than himself is spoken about, let alone about this topic.

The reader’s experience…

This is why, when the words arrive from another man who has sailed the linear path of good-looking (8/10) to just about above average (6.75/10 to 7/10) in male physical attractiveness, you have to stand up and listen.  His honesty is applauding, but again, he only describes what I would have expected in any case.

I like his words referencing that women, since he has declined a full grade or more in physical looks terms, are not as cold or distant and seem more excited and open to see him.  My good reader friends, this in a nutshell exemplifies a woman’s ego.  Whilst she may not be as instinctively sexually attracted to him in bed eyes or heart beating respects, he has hit the perfect balance to tick all the boxes.

This perfect balance is what is called male above average physical attractiveness.  He is still more aesthetically gifted than the majority of men a women will see, but he is not at a striking or stand out level that puts her nose out of joint.  This is just the way she likes it, especially at the beginning.

A recent experience of my own

Forgive me for taking this opportunity to relay it back to me, but it is worth yet again illustrating the way women’s emotional minds, and their ultimate decisions, work and play out respectively. 

The woman at the heart of this now familiar and consistent real life occurrence is the woman as explained in this post (the tall woman).  Over the last year, if I said that I have caught her looking at me a hundred times then this would genuinely not be an exaggeration. 

During the last few weeks, let us just say that my path to talk to her in an intimate way was made clearer.  This timeframe over the last month also coincided with a few very friendly smiles from her projected onto me.  After a couple of visits to the gym where the timing was not quite right to approach her, the time arrived last Monday (a public holiday, therefore I had, as she would have too, more time on my hands due to no pressing work commitments) to do so.

In relativity to the gym presence, she was looking as hot as she could do.  Her hair was down, she had clearly given herself a weekend self-tanning lotion application (as I notice she does most weekends), and she was wearing high shorts to show off her long and toned legs.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         If you are a top end physically attractive man (>8/10), you will have your best opportunities, or at least your best chance of her being positively receptive, when a woman is looking at her hottest.  If she is below you in the slightest (or by further margins of course), the positive outcomes will most likely be compromised. 

Even with this considered, I would be hard pressed to say she is anything above an 8.25/10 at her absolute peak.  This is leveraging to allow for her best on a night out look, which I have never seen.  I am pretty much at that level in gender relative terms without even having to spend five minutes getting ready.  With these factors in mind, I can nearly always anticipate the predictable outcome playing out, but in any case, a man should always run with the glass half full when the conclusion is unknown. 

As this woman had always come across as an approachable and friendly person, combined with me believing (based on the inundated affable glances in my direction) there was a fair chance she is a rare woman who embraces male beauty rather than being acrimonious towards it, I felt there was a good prospect she would at least be warm and positive in the introductory stage.  How wrong I was.

At the end of my session, it appeared she had finished too.  She walked up to the water fountain, and I stood next to her in asking her nothing more than an environmental question about her workout.  She kind of looked at me, and subsequently looked away immediately.  I asked her the same question once more, and she ignored again.  I walked away.

Whilst not happy about this, I gave her the plausible deniability benefit of the doubt that she could claim she never heard me.  Her head was not facing me, and she had her earphones in.  Maybe she was a little fazed about the fact I had approached her, therefore I decided to give her another chance a couple of days later.

On this occasion, she was facing more towards me.  I walked up to her and said, “Morning, are you alright?”  She ignored me, and once more kind of looked away.  I moved to one side a bit to look her in the eye, and I repeated the words in louder tone.  Ignored again.  I then proceeded to train where I needed to (five yards away from her), and I walked away before she had finished and without saying anything else to her.

Two days later, as I walked nearer her position (in only noticing her at the point I needed to turn at a near ninety degree angle) she was smiling at me in the same affectionate way as she had expressed just a couple of weeks ago.  I did not blank her, but I just gave her an indifferent look back before striding on.

A final thought

What is the betting that if I went through the same process as the reader – in losing a full grade or so in physical attractiveness – she would have been far more receptive?  Would she have not only spoken to me, but also been open to invitations?  My answer to both questions is a categoric yes.

This is why a dynamic of this kind is so hard to explain to most men out there.  On the basis both parties are single, most onlooking men would just expect said good-looking man to approach said hot woman, and for them to start dating as soon as phone numbers were exchanged.  What most men have no idea of is how the hot woman thinks, and how her ego dictates and controls her actions.

For the record, I have seen her in comfortable disposition concurrent to talking with about a dozen other men in the gym over the last few weeks.  These men range from 5.5/10 to 7.25/10 in male physical attractiveness.  In this same timeframe, she blanked me as explained.  Sheer coincidence?  I very much doubt it.  The trend is your friend, until the end.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 Some of your biggest knockbacks, cold shoulders, rejections, and nose out of joint demeanours in the aftermath of interacting with women can be seen as the biggest back-handed compliments you will encounter.  You just have to paddle between the logic and illogical, and subsequently work out the truth for what it is.  The truth is often what the masses would construe as illogic reasoning.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                       All else being equal, a man should hit on a woman who is 10% to 20% more physically attractive than he is.  It is just reversing the formula when calculated from what women want in men.

Men’s conundrum with women: sink or swim?

 

                               “There is usually a brighter day for those who live in darkness.                                  Finding that light is just harder without a torch to guide you.”

  

Komunisti asks for not only my thoughts, but he welcomes any further comments from other readers of this blog:

Hello Vinay, how are you?
Hope you're fine as always!
Well, I would like to ask you something.
As you already know, at my age, and I'm about to turn 33, I have no experience with women, what a shame...
I've learned to no longer trust the happy ending of fairy tales and I know that now it's more than late for me to find a woman.
Not my fault, I, despite my poor social skills, have tried to make friends with women, to no avail.
What I would like to ask you Vinay, but also the other users, is whether it is worth regretting my failure. Should I learn to live with my failure in love?
Maybe in the future I will be approached by older women, I don't know, maybe one day in my 40s a 35 year old woman will approach me. How disgusting.
Well nothing, just a question that has been nagging me for a while

My response:

Your question could not be more perfectly timed, because only this morning I had a conversation with a woman in the gym who I had never spoken to before.  I will answer your question directly, but please allow me for a moment to elaborate.  It is somewhat related to your situation.

The woman in depression

I sensed, whether through attraction or just desired company, that this woman held desires for me to talk to her.  She was quite attractive (minus the silly nose ring through both nostrils), and when I started conversation she had a nice way of immediately engaging.  Perhaps it is always easier to talk to a woman when she is not giving you great urges to bang her.  I guess, when less is at stake, you take the no skin off my nose metaphor to even greater lengths.  I digress….

To cut it short, she told me that she had to train every day in order to distract her mind from the depression she has recently gone through.  She had attempted an overdose, and she made no secret of the drugs and bad boys which had taken over her life for a decent amount of time in her life.  Add on a father who committed suicide at forty-three (also through overuse of illegal medications), two young kids she is mother of through her ex-husband (she married at twenty!), and clearly not two pound coins to rub together,  and it did not take long for me to realize how much a mess her life has become.

In essence, I was quite matter of fact with her in my answer.  Without apology in my words, I in no uncertain terms told her there are only two options, with no middle ground to compensate.  She either pulls the trigger so to speak in deciding there is no way out of her depression, or she finds a way, with all the necessary assistance to accompany, to find that brighter day.

Komunisti’s predicament….

Not for a moment do I believe Komunisti is even close to this level of despondency, but the point of this anecdote was to illustrate, in merely a few paragraphs, how murky the water can appear, and how deeper it becomes.  Life never wants to make it easy for most of us.  I can only assume, with my own first-hand experience to fall back on, that the tests are to see if we fight back, or give in.

Komunisti asks if he should learn to live with his failure in love.  My answer to this – which will seem evasive at first but should hopefully piece together by the end – is that defining himself as a failure on this item of life alone, is by no means a symbol of failing in life generally.  Finding love is magical, but I believe people need to look at the bigger picture of love in a (longer) timeframe perspective.

Komunisti’s situation is very rare, and I am not going to sugar coat it one bit.  Whilst most men are not exactly fighting off willing female participants to sleep with them, most men will, by the time they die, have still slept with no more than five women.  This article only confirmed what I already knew from nothing more than knowing how the world works.  In simple terms, most men are mediocre looking and mediocre in other none physical attractiveness desirables, therefore the average man off the street is not finding himself with an array of women queuing up to open their legs for him.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                 Women will try and convince you that men are shitbags, and these men sleep around for fun.  The reality is that only a tiny percentage of men do this, only a tiny percentage of men are attractive and desirable enough to be able to do this, and ultimately the vast majority of men are floundering though numerous social or online environments to locate the best (hence, usually hottest) woman they can find within what feasibility allows.

With this in mind, Komunisti has therefore only slept with four or five fewer women than the average man.  I think this numeric context alone mitigates his apparent self-belief that he is a failure with women.

Nevertheless, for a man to have never experienced any kind of female sexual intimacy at the age of thirty-three is almost, although not entirely, unheard of.  As alluded to above, most men have not slept with any where near as many women as they would have liked to bed, but they will have, even if totally clueless in the comprehension of how women psychologically and emotionally work, had some minor experience with the opposite sex.  A decent number of these men will have married and fathered children with the first woman they had sex with.  You could argue, and I mean this with sincerity, that these men are even worse off than Komunisti right now.  More on that later…

In essence then, deeming yourself as a failure in this respect is perhaps a little harsh, and even a little inaccurate.  I can however totally understand why you see it this way.

Regretting this failure, and learning to live with failure in love?

Komunisti asks the question directly – should he regret this failure, and should he learn to live with this failure in love?  I will answer each part separately.  

In terms of regret, well in my opinion the biggest regrets are formed from what you did not do, rather than what you did.  In other words, the biggest regrets in my life, with women at least (and many other aspects of life too), are when I did not approach a woman who I thought was interested in me (providing I was interested in her, of course).  Conversely, some of my biggest weight off shoulder moments have been when I did approach exampled woman.  Do not get me wrong, far, far more women declined my advances than those who welcomed it, but just the feeling of knowing I could move onto something else gave me so much enrichment and relief that it almost cannot be understated.

It is my hunch then, through little fault of his own due to innate characteristic challenges, that Komunisti actually regrets more the fact he has not rolled the dice with women (hence, not approached more women), than the regret of not actually finding a woman who will take it to the next stage with him.  Because, if he has approached and engaged with inundated women, and even if they all turned away in proverbial (or often literal) terms, he should not have any regrets at all.  He did all he could within the powers of what he had, and if he did not succeed, there was little more he could have done.  To me, this represents more that of environmental mistakes, rather than regrets per se.

The second question – should he learn to live with his failure in love – is entwined with my answer regarding his perceived regret.  I am a great believer that it is, up until a plausible point, never too late to learn and fix something. 

Putting aside the social character deficiencies, the ironic part of all this is that, at thirty-three years of age, a man is at the pinnacle stage of attracting the largest pool of women.  And, I should add, many women who are in their prime (aka hottest years).  Women as young as eighteen (granted, this is a minority of eighteen year olds, but still a fair slice) to as old as mid to late forties will find a man at this age attractive.  This pinnacle male attractiveness stage – both physical and nonphysical – can last up until forty at least if he looks after himself (although the younger female age bracket range will move up in accordance from eighteen to twenty-four).

Consequently, only you can truly decide whether now is the time to live with this perceived failure in love.  My honest answer is that I think there is still plenty of time, even if it means fishing in different ponds (as I have given you this advice previously) in finding suitable women to meet your personality differences.  Once you concede for good, you are on a slippery slope in ever attempting to recover and climb back up.  Your acceptance could be toxic for your benefit, so choose wisely. 

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 Giving in or giving up on something is like a game of Snakes and Ladders.  It is easy to fall down, but incredibly hard to climb back up to where you were.

A final thought – what defines success with women?

For further perspective, let us evaluate what defines success with women. 

·       Some will say the optimum success is how many women a man has slept with, but I do not totally go along with this, especially if a high percentage of these women were mediocre to repulsive looking women.  If so, he would have been better off spending his time jerking off to hot babes (although there are many men who can just get aroused by the simple thought of a woman’s vagina, irrespective of what she looks like).

·       Others may argue that success with women is determined through the quality of women a man has experienced medium to long term relationships with.  Whilst I agree more with this, if none of the relationships lasted, how is success concluded?

·       A fair debate is made in success being marrying the best woman a man can possibly attain within his capabilities, and finding a way to stay happy simultaneous to her being a loyal, faithful, likeable and loving wife.  I do not hear, and certainly do not see, many couples like this.

A final, final thought

I can fully understand Komunisti’s anguish, depression, frustration, and even anger of his situation.  I truly can.  Women can be complex creatures at best, and horrible individuals on other occasions.  Life experience helps mitigate much of this, but only a dishonest man tells you he has mastered every type of woman out there.  What you do is be ahead of the game in foreseeing eventualities, even if not totally aware of it at that precise split second of her misdemeanours.

What I will say, in consideration to Komunisti’s zero sexual experience with women, is that the question should be put to him in this manner.  Given the choice, would you rather have lived your life with women the way you have lived it to this day, or would you rather be this exampled man? 

1)    This man got married in his twenties (he had only slept with two women before his wife).

2)    After the honeymoon period post wedding (within the first six months), he noticed her pleasantries started to diminish compared to pre marriage.

3)    His wife got pregnant soon after the wedding, even though it was not discussed with him in so far as planning for a child.  They had a son.

4)    Even as the love in the relationship decreased day on day (mainly on her part), she got pregnant (unplanned again) a year after having the boy.  They had a daughter.

5)    To cater for the wife’s material needs – largest house possible, nice cars, fancy holidays, kids requirements etc – the man had to take on roles, stress and extra hours at work in sourcing such.

6)    As the love fragments even more, and the bank balance and life stress is stretched further still, the man becomes all the more disillusioned with life.

7)    The marriage becomes such a loveless existence that one, or both, start looking to play away with another lover.  This eventually goes beyond just searching.

8)    The two of them get divorced five to ten years post marriage.  Even if they stay together, it is a marriage in name if nothing else.

9)    As she is entitled to half of what he owns, he has to move into a residence much smaller and worse than what he had been living in. Maybe he even had to live back with his parents for a while, or indefinitely. 

10) Even though he has a decent job (that he hates), his disposable income is limited due to the child support he pays, combined with needing to save as much as possible to get back on the house ownership track.

11) As the children get older, even though he loves them like they are his life, he starts to notice they can be annoying brats.  Perhaps the ex-wife bad mouths him to them.

12) His bond with his children (especially his daughter) becomes ever distant for every day that goes by.

13) As the life he has lived has took its toll, in addition to the lack of financial assets he attains due to the divorce, the kinds of women he can attract are not exactly of what he is optimized by.

This exampled man is not an isolated male in any sense at all.  I can guarantee you that.  Most men will be going through/have gone through some, if not all, the phases as described above. 

I guess, in summary, my question is as follows.  Which life is better?  Is it the man who has never loved, or is it the man who has loved but who wishes he never had?