Pronounced signs of a man’s discomfort with another man

 

“Power is found within.  Weakness is detected by those with power.”

  

I sat in the sauna on my own for a few minutes on a quiet Sunday morning post my gym workout.  Subsequently, in stepped a man I knew by face and minor acknowledgement, but we had only ever interfaced on one conversational occasion.  That one past conversation involved his friend being there too (in the sauna once more).

A past linked story

Around the month of April in 2021, I was training on the boxing bags during another Sunday morning.  I saw a lovely shaped and pretty blonde haired woman not so subtly looking in my direction.  She stared over on about three occasions, but it was with a lot more of a cordial expression than the usual girls who glance over with antagonism or neutrality.

A fortnight later, and once more I saw the same woman in there on another Sunday at a similar time to before.  Again, she made very little concealment to express her interest in my goings on.  Whilst she was perhaps a little skinnier than my ideal female figure, it was only marginally thinner than that perfect (in my view) shape.  She looked about 23 or 24 in age.

I should say that, on the second time of seeing her, she did have one guy hanging around whilst she warmed up on the treadmill.  I noticed they were talking, but it all seemed a bit too friendly and comfortable to construe it as them being lovers.  I continued on that basis in any case, especially considering she was not with him during her weights regime.

As the interest was quite clear, on both her part and mine I must add, I had set it in my objective to approach her the next time I saw her.  However, like life’s coincidental magic weaving its destiny wand so often it seems, I never saw her for the rest of that year.

A year later….

Approximately twelve months later, and I walked towards the entrance of the gym.  A woman held the door open for me with a smile.  She even said, “Are you alright?”.  She walked off ahead of me, and then a few minutes later I saw her with a mixed-raced man in the gym.  The two of them trained together throughout.

The penny then dropped to amalgamate all the incidents.  The woman was the blonde haired girl as explained.  The man with her, and hence her boyfriend, was the man in the sauna as explained in the first paragraph.  They trained together, with only isolated occasions alone, for the next six months and on regular visits.

In spite of her being with him on pretty much each instance, she continued to keep looking over in my direction.  There was even one comical time when I returned after a two week absence from the gym post a summer vacation, and as I trained on the squat machine, she kind of lingered over and stayed within a couple of metres.  As she did, her boyfriend walked over and quite aggressively said to her, “Why have you come over here!?”

Nevertheless, both of them stopped coming to this gym around October of last year.  I have not seen her since.  He started back during the early part of this year, but he now trains with a different buddy.  Whilst I sensed his annoyance with my extant being, there was one occasion when I walked in (on a day when he was with his girlfriend last summer) and he gave me the respect nod and facial expression.  That was the only time, although if we crossed paths he would somewhat, perhaps in discomfort, acknowledge back. 

Back to the sauna….

So, as he enters the sauna, I asked him how he was.  He reluctantly asked me back, to which I then asked him how his training was going. 

The first thing I noticed was that he went to the furthest part away in the sauna as possible.  No problem, as everyone has their favourite spot, I guess.  What was more transparent though was he turned his body at a right angle away from me, which meant of course he could not look me straight on.

When he spoke, as I do with everyone, I looked him in the eye the whole time.  When I spoke, I would say at most he looked me in the eye a third of the time.  I asked him, as much as to keep the conversation going if nothing else, a good number of questions about himself, his life, his job, and other things.  I am struggling to recall one question that he asked me about anything, myself, or the world.

Male weakness signs

As explained in this previous post, there are tell-tale signs to comprehend which kinds of men warm to you and companionable towards you, and which kinds of men are in total discomfort when around you.  Allow me to list the easy signals that represent the latter:

·       At all costs, he will make attempts to not sit or stand near to your vicinity.

·       If no choice but to be near you, he will turn his body away from you.

·       He will appear totally uncomfortable in both body language and facial viewing when near to you.  Then compare that to how at ease he seems when with someone no more, or less, physically attractive in respect to himself.

·       He will give you truly little, sometimes even no, eye contact when talking.

·       He will not acknowledge you when walking in opposite directions.

·       He will not ask you anything about yourself.

·       When you talk about your life, his facial expression and body language will portray a form of negativity and frustration, and it will be clear he desires you to stop talking.

·       Sometimes he will try and ridicule you, and in vast majority of cases it will be when other men, or women, are around and within the same conversation.

·       Aligned with the above, he will not ridicule you when the two of you are alone.

·       He will make astronomical endeavours to not be alone with you.  If no choice to be one on one with you, his disconcerted disposition cannot be hidden.

·       He will simply try and talk to anyone else before having to talk to you, even if his life depended on it in proverbial terms.

In contrast, you can pretty much flip the script and illustrate the polar opposite for men who are comfortable around you, to the extent where they even make efforts to spend time with you and enjoy every second of being with someone of unique stature.  To list some of these men:

·       Solid, family men (who have no interest in playing away from their female partner).

·       Most (although certainly not all) considerably older men than you.

·       Gay men.

·       Feminine but heterosexual (or closet!) men.

·       Men who have no intention to be fighting for the most sought after women.

·       Rare men who just embrace the existence of stand out male figureheads.

·       Men (in the way women act with famous or high status men), who attain a mentality to find comfort in knowing a striking looking man, and/or well known, man.

A common misconception – that the highest calibre men should act this way….

One common misconception I have always laughed at is that a man acting apathetic and disinterested with another man is because he is so much cooler, in demand, busier, more popular, more sought after and, ultimately, a man with more social status and worth to the world.  I call total bullshit on this, perhaps social proof obsessed segment of the population, consensus.

For one, and with misfortune acknowledged for anyone who has been dealt a cruel blow in life for the statement I will make, each man has two arms and two legs.  Everything else is simply side factors.  We are all individuals, we all have our purposes, and we all possess our own strengths and weaknesses.  Whilst I may be better looking and stand out above the average man, this does not make me any better than any other man who steps out his residence.  I sincerely mean this.

Second, if you are a man who has been blessed with physical attractiveness, personality, charisma, wealth, knowledge, social status, or savviness much over and above the average man, then the way I view this is that these blessings are something a man should be appreciative of, and not used as a reason to look down on others.  In simple terms, if I have been blessed in some ways, I find it enriching to disperse happiness to the lives of others, no matter how small this contribution can be within my offerings.  This means I take pleasure in giving, rather than expecting those to bow down to my stature.

Third, and most importantly in my opinion, is that if a man is comfortable and at ease with his existence, it should be the easiest and most natural procedure in the world to show an interest in the life of another.  With this in mind, a man who asks questions, who holds comfortable body language, who radiates positive facial expression when listening, who is happy to be in the same vicinity as another, and who is generally a likeable and engaging person, is worth a thousand men who believe acting cool, apathetic and unenthusiastic is the way to go.

This is perhaps kind of, in a nutshell, why I cannot stand the whole fame and celebrity business.  In essence, I cannot stand people who are up their own ass.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                              Humility is not thinking less of yourself.  It is thinking about yourself less.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                      My mother once gave me the wisest words.  She said that irrespective to whether it is the King of England or a tramp on the streets, you should treat them both with the same amount of respect.  I take it one step further and describe in terms of treating a person with the same amount of respect that they offer to you. 

Pathetic male bullies

“You can leave a place through several reasons, but you will happily return if the culture was enjoyable. If you disliked the culture, no incentive should make you return.”

  

If I could choose only one aspect to talk about in life that I despise, I would most likely choose the topic of bullying.  Bullying, and the by-product character traits that belong to bullies in general, have no place or time at all in my life.  The worrying part is, I have observed a pronounced increase in bullying over the last decade, not only in the workplace, but in social environments too.

My first memory of bullying

My dislike of bullying, most likely subconsciously back then, came about as early as junior school (around aged nine).  I recall a boy within a social circle being bullied by the schoolground bully, as he was unnecessarily punched in the arm numerous times.  He walked off crying. 

Part of me feels guilty for being in the circle of on watchers.  Perhaps this does not make me much better, that day at least, than the bully himself.  The victim boy was also alienated by this crowd, as we were “instructed” to no longer be his friend.  For the record, the bullied boy that day went onto be six foot tall by the age of thirteen, extremely popular at secondary school (a different secondary school to me) with girls and other boys, and one of the best footballers of his age in the city. 

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         If you are a late developer, and/or you find yourself being bullied and humiliated at an early age, try to analyse this low time in your life as only a phase.  You will be the winner over time, as the bully goes on to dead end jobs and a low life.

Around the time when he was being isolated, I believe the innate trait I was given - that held natural sympathy for strugglers in life - took over.  I am certainly not looking for any plaudits, let it be said.  However, one evening I cycled past his house, and there was this uncontrollable and somewhat obligated inclination to turn round, knock on his door, and see if he wanted to play.  I will never forget the look on his face, as someone had finally shown him the hand of friendship.  From memory, news got back to the bully and others that I had done so.  I just passed it off as feeling sorry for him.

Early memory of workplace bullies

As near adult life came about, the whole workplace bullying observation was all too obvious to ignore.  My first job, at sixteen to twenty-two, was working as a supermarket replenisher/trolley boy/checkout kid - to financially support my education years.  There were so many pitiful assistant managers, managers, senior managers, and branch managers who appeared to choose the path of being complete and utter pathetic bullies.  I hated the whole culture and predicament.

It was bad enough these men being verbally aggressive towards young students like me.  I recall one particular day when I went up to the assistant branch manager, and I addressed a question by saying “Mr”.  He looked down at me and said, “Kev will do!”  What a tosser!  There were a hundred ways he could have phrased and toned it in asking me to call him by his first name next time, yet he chose the worst way possible. 

In retrospect, this idiot did me a favour.  It was conceivably the light bulb moment I required to reinforce that, when I reach a senior position within my career path, I never even come close to repeating the way that twat acted with me.  I understand as much as anyone that extreme nice guys cannot lead an army (numerous posts in this blog have documented how I think too many men are too nice these days), however you can lead an army with respect for others, and respect for yourself.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                     The greatest men, in my opinion, ignite unrequired and unsearched respect and admiration from onlooking women and other men.  The weakest men, in my view, are those who go searching for this praise and approval, in vain attempts to bring attention onto his strengths, most likely to try and hide his shortcomings.

During this supermarket phase, I knew of this warehouse man named Gordon.  He was a lovely family-oriented person (wife and two children), even if with respect he lacked ambition, drive, and intellect.  He was an industrious worker though.

There was this particular time when, due to family commitments, he asked the hierarchy if he could change his shift pattern.  They refused, to which he asked them to reconsider.  When I asked him what they said the second time, it will stay with me forever when he explained their response was – “Can you really afford to be asking this?”

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                         If you can, build a life for yourself where a bully boy needs you as much, or more, than you need him.  Form this mindset that you are not afraid of the consequences, in which standing up to him is your prerogative in setting an example to less forthright and courageous men.  They may not back you in the moment (such is their fear of losing their job, being afraid of what will happen etc), however be assured that they will respect your actions.

Later viewing of workplace bullies

As I have worked through the differing industries from twenty-three until the present day, my observation of male bullies in the work environment has rarely taken a time off phase.  Some have tried to talk down to me, although bullies tend to prey on men much weaker and frightened of the circumstances men than me.

Coming to think of it, workplace bullies hold common dominators.  I list these:

·       Many suffer from small man syndrome (<5ft 6”).

·       Nearly all are not physically attractive.

·       Most are overweight.

·       Some of them do not smell too good (high stress = high sweat levels).

·       A high percentage have truly little natural charisma and personality.

·       Most do not attain a high level of self-confidence.

·       A lot of them think they are ladies men (including those who are married and have kids).

·       Many have over-leveraged themselves with big mortgages and beyond their means lifestyle.

·       Pretty much all of them, outside of their profession/status, have extraordinarily little else to offer the world.

If this sounds harsh of me, then my answer to this would be to not be a bully in the first place.  If you are not, then I would not need to criticize you.  Simple as…

How do you overcome bullies?

You will find that bullies, whether in the workplace or in social environments, are only comfortable intimidating other men when they have a crowd to show off in front of.  With this in mind, you have a few options:

·       Answer bullies back as soon as they provoke you.  You will usually find that bullies do not like it when someone stands up to them, and because of this they are shell-shocked and in silence.  The chances are they will not attempt to humiliate, ridicule, provoke or bully you again.  They will move onto someone else.

·       In same fashion as above, if a bully acts in similar delivery in the face of someone in your proximity, respond back to the bully on behalf of the (most likely) weaker recipient of his words. 

·       With plausibility in mind, be more physically daunting than the bully.  Bullies are fundamental weak men, and you will find they are not comfortable around better looking, and more aesthetically gifted, men.

·       More important than physical attractiveness, acquire a stronger psychological mindset than the bully.  If he has made you angry, the next time you walk past him, give him firm eye contact which illustrates you have his number, so to speak.  Add a little nod if you do meet eyes.  Your expression needs to be only slightly aggressive.

·       Get bullies on their own.  As stated above, a bully needs a crowd to take comfort in.  Safety in numbers mentality, comes to mind.  You will find that bullies crawl into their shell when there is no audience around, and it is a simple scenario of man on man.

Bullies despise high value men…

In addition to all the above, it is undeniable that men who are bullies abhor the sight of the most sought after men.  After all, bullies are renowned for trying to be ladies men, and the most sought after men are the men who are the most popular with women.  This is a predicament that a bully cannot stand.

Most bullies are average to below average in male physical attractiveness terms, but I could be accused of this being a lazy analysis, such is the fact that >90% of men fall somewhere between average or lower in this respect.  Nevertheless, I am struggling to ever recall one bully I have encountered in my life where I could objectively say he was good-looking/high physical attractiveness. 

This observation of mine is more than just a simple coincidence, or a case of law of average numbers examination.  If you ask me, a top end physically attractive man would never feel the urge to become a bully, because he has little to prove.  A male bully, average looking in association and by definition, feels he has everything to prove.

Ultimately, this is the fundamental reason a bully hates a high value (and hence usually, very good-looking) man.  The man with high physical attractiveness is effortlessly attracting women, whilst the bully is working his ass off to try and attract women.  I guess, from the bully’s standpoint, he thinks life is just not fair.  This is why he abominates the man who sexually attracts an array of women in the same environment. 

 A final thought – non-verbal or not obvious bullies

There is another type of, less obvious, male bully out there.  These bullies are harder to identify if you are not that switched on, simply because they are more discrete in their antics.  You could even argue that they are not bullies as such, and in fact just resentful, weak men.

Funnily enough, you will also find, as I have (and still do) in my life experience, that a highly blessed visually attractive man is the recipient of this weaker man’s meagre acts.  As this weaker type of bully is not as verbal or provocative as a traditional bully, this man looks for ways to try and devalue a higher value male competitor.  In a way, it is just as derisory as a bully of any kind.

In essence, what he does is try and seek a way to lower a high value man’s importance.  As the high value man is already capturing attention and compliments, the weak bully will endeavour to isolate any conversation away from his sought after male contender, he will strive to talk about any topic he knows this man is not knowledgeable of or interested in, he will ask questions to other people (men and women) to avoid the stand out man’s verbal entrance, and he will, probably more than anything else, refrain from asking this man any questions about himself, or subjects he knows he excels in.

Do you know anybody like this.  I know of two, and unfortunately, they are too close to me to say who they are.

Q-tip 4:                                                                                                                                Bullies are fundamental cowards, and they attempt to compensate this deficiency by being louder, brasher, more aggressive, and with provocative words.  You will rarely see a bully in a fight with a man of equal or greater threat, because by default he will always look for someone weaker than himself.