What did you learn too late in life?

 

                 “When you miss a great opportunity, the human tendency is to compensate                      in seeking lesser versions of what you missed out on.”

  

This article of soul searching philosophy left me with a pausing moment, and retrospective contemplation to how it related not only to my own life, but other lives too.  I add my own comment below each of the narrator’s points.

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1.     Looks absolutely do matter. It's biological. As a fully grown man I have come to accept this.

 

This very much depends on the gender.  For a woman, physical looks are very important in achieving the best life for herself.  The better looking a woman, the far more likely she is to secure a male partner who is higher in wealth and status.

 

For a man, physical looks are far less important.  Being good looking as a man should, if he is astute in life with regards to how to take advantage of this blessing, transfer to a more confident male human being which will radiate onto women he would like to have sex with.  Nevertheless, this is not his good looks per se that ignites the most appeal for said woman to pursue with him.  As has been explained inundated times on this blog, being very good to great looking as a man will usually be counterproductive in pursuit of women.

 

2.     Intelligence also matters a great deal. You will sometimes have seconds to make a life altering decision and no one will be there to advise you.

 

Intelligence is not a dissimilar explanation to looks, yet in a kind of way it works as an inverse dynamic.  As a woman, being intelligent is not hugely important.  It is not even close to being as critical as beauty.  The times intelligence is important to a woman is if she harbours ambitions to maximize her career and earnings potential.  Also, intelligence will offer her a better opportunity to being spotted by very wealthy, and equally intelligent, men.

 

As a man, intelligence is vital in so far that being intelligent will in majority cases lead to better opportunities for a lucrative career.  Therefore: if intelligence manifests money and status, money and status subsequently attracts the most sought after women.  With all this considered though, male intelligence in isolation is only truly important to (the very low percentage of) intelligent women.  As most women are not highly intelligent, being too intelligent as a man will actually put off most women.

 

In terms of having seconds to make a life altering decision, I strongly disagree with this.  Most scenarios in life will allow you to take a deep breath, ask for a night to sleep on it, and make the consequential decision days or even weeks later.  You could say it is relatable to calling a timeout in sport.  If he is referring to being put on the spot in saying the right thing at an important meeting or when chatting up a woman he would like to bang, then I would agree more that thinking on the spot becomes crucial.  With that said, the smartest people out there have a way of answering a question without answering the question, and still leave an audience or recipient convinced with the answer.

 

3.     If you have a positive attitude you will draw people to you like Gravity.

 

I would fully agree with this.  Positivity is hard not to be drawn to unless you a person who pitifully thrives on being negative and miserable.  If your attitude is positive, the vast majority of people in life will see you in brighter lights.

 

4.     You need to decide which of those people is worth your time.

 

Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.  We have all been guilty of spending too much time, money and exertion on those who could not give a crap about us and only are about themselves.  Conversely, we have all also been culpable of spending too little of our endeavours and concern on those who care about us. 

 

The best example of this life misdirection is in the face of women when choosing men.  How many women have you known who go running to, or back to, men who treat them like dog poo?  Equally, how many women do you know who treat men like garbage – men who have gone beyond the call of duty in trying to make her happy?

 

5.     Don't waste your time on people who will forget about you in half a second if you stop giving them attention.

 

Pretty much the same explanation as above.  Ultimately what the narrator is saying here is that you are dealing with an attention seeker and narcissist if a person is only interested in themself and what the world carpet lays down for them. 

 

I would say that, taking both 4. and 5. together, my biggest mistakes and learning paths in life came from these situations.  I spent far too much of my early life chasing after people (both women and friends) who could not give a shit about me, and not spending those respective efforts on the people who did have my best interests at heart.  If nothing else though, these big mistakes have allowed me to rectify what I should have done then, to what I always do now.

 

6.     Many peoples affection for you extends no further than their use for you.

 

Another fair and true point.  Ultimately, he is saying that people will use you until you have nothing left to offer them.  Once your use is done, they will move onto someone and something else that loads up a new arsenal of expectation ammunition. 

 

Once more, if you spot a person like this in your life, give them no more than what you need to in order to maximise the well-being of yourself.

 

7.     Don't waste time worrying about the past.

 

Whilst easier said than done, in essence he is right.  Regrets make you old, and bitterness poisons the people around you.  You cannot change the past, but you can determine your future to an extent.

 

The reason I stress to an extent, is because for every year I live, I have come to terms that a large proportion, maybe even a huge proportion, of a person’s life is down to what is written in the stars.  This applies for both good and bad things that occur, no matter how hard it may be to accept the misfortunes and tragic conundrums there and then.  It is almost like the big man in the skies, or maybe people who are no longer with us who we had an impact on their lives, are looking down in conducting good and bad luck in mapping out our destiny, and deciding which path we should take.

 

With all this considered, it should be an even greater reinforced mentality to form that you should not worry about the past.  Human nature will always dictate in forcing us to reminisce, but in the end our stress levels and misery are magnified by looking back, and our happiness and hope derives from looking forward.

 

8.     Don't waste time being anxious about the future. Life can change on a dime.

Very much so.  Whilst looking forwards is generally healthier than looking back, many people are liable to worry about the future too.  Whether that be a lack of money, possible loneliness, problems at work, or any other possibility the future may bring, fate will usually deliver what it wants to.

As an investor in the financial markets, I can testify for the errors people, and myself included, have encountered in overthinking, overcomplicating, and placing too much faith in what they believe is a certainty to happen.  Life can change on a dime.  You just need to be there at the time it does, in being mentally strong enough to cope with the negatives, yet not getting carried away with the positives.

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A final thought

I was only thinking the other day about public speaking.  I have never been a natural, or someone who is comfortable, in public speaking.  What has made it easier over time, however, is having far less concern to what the audience think of me.  Some people will like me, others will not.  No skin off my nose either way.

I am a great believer that my life improved, in a psychological capacity, when I stopped worrying about what people thought of me in a general capacity.  I realised that I would never please everyone, therefore even if it is only a small minority of people who like me, I will not lose an ounce of sleep over the majority who are averse to my character.  You get on with your life, and I will get on with mine…

I have an older brother who clearly has grown to dislike my character.  If he had an honest bone in his body and he was put on a lie detector so his life depended on it, he would know my opinion of this is correct.  His body language and facial expressions when I am in close proximity to him is as negative, and even acrimonious, as two active eyes could see, and what a candid mind would marinate.

What is most disappointing is that I do not particularly like his character either, but the difference is I have always accepted it, and people of similar personality, for what life is all about.  It would be boring if everyone was like him, and likewise if everyone was like me.  The beauty of life, in my view, is the vast numbers of different characters that exist.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                            A strong man accepts a differing character to himself, even if he does not enjoy the company of that opposing character.  He shows a way to be pleasant, amiable, and inquisitive towards that person, no matter how disinterested he is in them.  A weak man does the complete opposite, in living in resentment, jealousy and bitterness when an opposing character to himself is around.  And more often, he acts with a lack of interest in said opposing character, in attempts to conceal his transparent feeling of inferiority.

Artificial and unnatural exploitation of love

 

“Many people deny the outward reality by attempting to conceal their inner bitterness.”

  

As a relevant link from this previous post from over four years ago, I came across a somewhat bizarre, yet in other ways predictable, female action a few weeks ago.  Like anything in life, but in particular with women’s emotional habits, what a long time ago once left me with head scratching, now manifests to an instant comprehension.

The scenario

It was a random Friday morning at the gym, and after I had fulfilled my forty-five minute workout, followed by a nice sauna and retrospective shower, I left the male changing room at about 8am.  As you turn out of the changing rooms, it is about a fifteen second stroll to the exit barriers.  That short walk means you see all the cardiovascular trainers to your left, with the machine weights also left side but merely a few yards from your vicinity.

As much as I criticise people for looking down at their phones when walking (the biggest sign of insecurity if ever there was), it is habitual of me to, once turning immediately right outside the changing room, quickly turn on the gym app that allows a member to enter and exit.  After a couple of seconds to do this and subsequently eyes back on the line of sight, I saw a side view of a very nice figured blonde standing next to the one of the shoulder free weight machines.  She looked familiar, but without seeing the front of her face it was not clear to whether I had seen her in there before.

As I walked past her, I got a glance of her boyfriend sitting on the shoulder machine.  He was a blonde haired dude, and above average (but not good or great) in the male physical attractiveness scale from what I could quickly assess.  No surprise on the hot girl with above average looking man dynamic, but blonde with blonde is much rarer, in the UK at least.

As I reached to approximately five yards away from this woman, I noticed how she bent down to, what seemed like, say something to her boyfriend.  As I made it just past her, I just heard a loud kissing noise that all seemed a bit too fake for belief that it was natural and spontaneous.  It all simply came across as that bit too try hard and contrived.

Why would a woman do this?

Now of course, someone could say to me this was just a coexistence, and it was a display of affection and love.  I cannot prove in any way, shape, or form that this was not the case.  Nevertheless, the timing of this huge smack on his lips all just came across that bit too much of a coincidence, and if she did this, coincidentally, in just those ten seconds that it took me to pass her, does this mean she did it about another hundred times throughout their workout?  I have my doubts.

My better judgement, even if seen upon by others as an arrogant and self-promoting view, is that she had seen me in there before, or/and saw me walking towards them.  As women, in particular hot women, have egos that do not take kindly to seeing better looking men than their male partners, especially when the two referenced men are in close real estate that smacks her in the face for real life comparison, this manipulated action of kissing her boyfriend with the highest vocal noise possible was the perennial and typical reaction a woman like her will implement to try and ease her in the moment discomfort, derived from the explained emotion she was going through.

In essence, and as documented in this blog on more than a couple of times, women are torn between a tug of war when it comes to their decisions and psyche with men they see and choose.  On the one hand, a woman has an imperceptible compulsion to be with a man who is lesser looking than her in gender relative terms.  This ticks the box for her enlarged ego, but it reduces the optimum beat of her heart and wetness of her pants.  On the other hand, a woman often knows she could secure a hotter man, on occasions (but rarely) she will act upon this impulse, her heart is telling her she likes him, but her ego is sending messages to go with a safer option and hot him.

Why the resentment of this decision?

The problem is women are not good at making decisions and then consequently accepting them for what they chose to do.  Men, whilst not perfect in accepting making half-hearted decisions in life, are much better at this rationalising process.  In other words, when women make decisions they deep down are not totally happy with, or when they know they could do better, they go looking for other people to blame, or they blame life with resentment.  The last thing they blame is themselves.

This is why then, you find women being hostile towards better looking and more sought-after men in comparison to their boyfriends, fiancés, or husbands.  This negative emotion was illustrated by me in this post when a reader suffered a similar, albeit more acrimonious, reaction from a woman when in a comparable scenario.  Simply put, women are not at ease with this predicament, therefore they go looking for ways to try and counteract this bitter taste in their mouth.

A final thought

Have you ever gone out with your girlfriend, alongside her friends and a couple of the respective female friend’s male partners?  As the night goes on, or sometimes even pretty much from the first drink, you will find a common pattern emerge that only becomes more pronounced for every time you find yourself in the same social dynamic.

Let us just say that there are six women in the group.  Three of the women have male partners with them, and three are on their own and currently single in relationship status.  What you find is none of the women are totally satisfied, and the reasons become transparent the better a man becomes in understanding female emotional psychology.

The single women are jealous of the coupled women, because women’s uncontrollable mindset is to be desired and validated, which is a by-product of being with a man (even if the man is not that sought-after, or not even desired by the single woman).  The more sought-after the man belonging to one of her friends, the greater degree her jealousy sits upon.

Nevertheless, this does not mean it is a jealous free night for the coupled up women either.  Whilst a woman does crave for validation and to have a man directly desiring to be with her and to love her, the force that pulls against this tick in the box is her inner need for drama, fun, gossip, and further admiration (from other men).  Drama, fun, gossip, and flirting/getting off/one night stands with other men will be the luxury only at the disposal of the single girls out that night.

Ultimately, women can never be fully happy.  They want to be loved by a man, but they also want the drama queen life that escorts the single life.  Some women can disengage between the two cycles of life, and they have the maturity to know the two roles cannot, on a wholesale basis, run on a simultaneous period.  Unfortunately, in a world where female maturity is running south concurrent to the drama craving life heading north, most women have difficulties distinguishing, and accepting, the extreme paths each life sits at.

A final, final thought

As a man assessing all this, you have three questions to ask yourself when face on with this conundrum.  First, do you have past knowledge of her being a drama queen, fun loving girl?  Second, has she sincerely (and happily) changed from this life since she has been with you?  Third, are you convinced, should you take it to marriage or kids, that she will never go back to this looking over her shoulder mentality?

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                  Homely girls (girls who have very few female friends, and are not accustomed to or liking of going out a lot) are the best girlfriend and wife material women.  They are also the most loyal and faithful women, and they give you the least stressful life.  The downside, however, is these women are the most notorious for dropping you with the premature and unplanned “I’m pregnant” words you most likely never wanted to hear.