Monday 1 April 2024

How do kids differ to adults in interaction dynamics?

 

“The innocence and optimism of youth is more a sad reminder of adult resentment to come.” 

 

I watched a gripping psychological film the other night by the name of Triggered.  It is/was certainly not a blockbuster by profile or box office revenue, but the sheer storyline gripped me from the start.  I guess it just goes to show that, in my opinion, we live in a world where success is a by-product of how many people can follow someone or something, irrespective to how high or low the quality of offering is.

Now that little dig is off my chest, the theme manifested via an all so familiar real life dynamic.  In particular, situations which are all too common for distaste in the United States.  I am not condoning for a single second what the violators acted out at the end of the film, but I can relate to how children can question the meaning of life, when, in metaphoric terms, only dark mornings are what they see outside the window each day.

Whilst I neither experienced an extreme forgettable nor enjoyable secondary school (pretty much equivalent of junior high school) five year period, I do remember enough times, mainly in observation of others as opposed to my own days, regarding how a young person can feel isolated, downbeat, lonely and, at worst, fear of even going there. 

As you get older and start working, the vast majority of adults will have that sickly Sunday night/Monday morning feeling in anticipation of a week in a job they hate.  Nevertheless, I doubt many feel as nauseas in this respect compared to the children I exampled.  At least as an adult you have life experience to draw upon in terms of perspective.  As a child, you feel trapped in an existence you despise.

My recent profession change

At the end of last year, on the back of another redundancy, I decided to train up and take a role working in education.  The main reason was a desire to give back, and, even if only in my small way capacity, help those much younger steer through the murky waters of life.  In truth, most will not yet be familiar with this pessimism, such is the hope, innocence, and optimism of youth.

I have ended up as a Cover Teacher/Teaching Assistant/Learning Mentor, in the main, at a secondary school which predominantly consists of kids from deprived catchment areas.  It also attains a higher SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) percentage than most other schools in the area, and this is a result as much towards behavioural issues as it is slower learning skills.  Five weeks in, and I am not going to sugar coat anything.  It has been a tough transition for me.

My first lesson consisted of a Year 7 (age 11 to 12) maths lesson.  I could just not control their noise, behaviour, and disobedience.  Towards the end of the week, I encountered a challenging Year 9 group which involved six boys who had clear attitude problems.  When I asked one of them to take his feet off the table for the third time, in doing so he muttered the words – “You’re gonna get smoked, bro.”

What did I learn about the boys a month later?

As time progressed however, I started to learn how to handle the vast majority of boys at the school.  As a man who possesses a decent level of presence (physical looks, height, muscular profile, smart/classy dress style, strong body language, smelling good), but in the knowledge this presence is negated by the fact you cannot touch the modern day child or put much fear of the consequences into them, by week two I started to take the whole role far less seriously.  It has worked extremely well.

One of the things that worked a treat was joining in the ridicule of myself.  Inundated boys (and girls) as early as my first day started shouting at me  - “Get back shadrack!”  Not knowing what the hell they were on about, I just looked at them with bewilderment, which most likely played into their hands.

After checking out on social media what the phrase was all about, I found the answer on this.  Whilst I would like to think (as one of the other teachers pointed out) he will be far happier with the resemblance than me, in terms of the hair quiff, I could see what the kids were referring to.  Far more important however, was the fact I could now go along with it.  Every time one of the kids now shouts it out, I say and gesture it back to them with a big grin on my face.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                    Kids thrive on teacher weakness, distress, and realizing the frustration of the humour they (the kids) process onto you.  If you can rise above this, in bouncing the humour back, not only will kids like you more for this, but it negates their main weapon.

Another strong tactic I use is to, in body language and presence terms, show them who is the man in both proverbial and literal manners.  This should not be misconstrued as bullying, which I hate in any walk of life, but it is a pronounced way of giving the boys firm eye contact when you walk past them, making them walk around you in the class (basically, me standing still), and walking in a strong manner.  Boys are looking for male role models at school or in social environments, especially considering so many are likely in single parent families, and if they can find someone they look up to, even if they are loathed to admit this to themselves at the beginning, they will, sooner rather than later, warm to you.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                   Most wannabe popular boys in school are all talk.  They hide behind the comfort of their male friends in classrooms, corridors, or playgrounds.  But when on their own, they barely have the confidence to look you in the eye.  Once you get over the early cockiness seen in a boy, you start to see his vulnerabilities.  This is the point when you want to help and like him, rather than dismiss and dislike him.

The third profitable strategy I have used is to act by the firm but fair balance.  This might sound simple in real life, but in practice I probably failed in this during the first week.  I would not say this in man to woman relationship terms, but in this case leaning toward the firmness extreme did me no good at all.

After a conversation with someone who had previously been a teacher, he advised me to do two things:

·       One, within reason, act more like their mate.

·       Two, just do not try and replicate how most teachers act in the classroom.

This advice was golden.  I started to give the ill-disciplined boys (and some girls) that bit more space, and only laying down the rule book when they crossed the line.  I turned a blind eye to when they went on their mobile phones - by coughing, looking, and smiling at them, and just simply hand gesturing for them to put it away.  If the occasional one of them started walking around the classroom, I would allow this for a couple of minutes before kindly asking them that I had been reasonable to permit this, but it is now time to sit down. 

This non-dictatorial method has brought about a clear understanding that, whilst I cannot be walked all over, they know they receive lenience not received from most teachers.  I am not going by the rule book, but if I cannot use some level of my socio-psychological discretion and knowledge, then I am in the wrong job.

What about the girls?

The girls, by and large, present different challenges.  At all ages on a standard basis, they are more mature in respect to behaviour and willingness to learn.  With this said, their difficulty is more than compensated by their self-entitlement mentality.

Again, giving them space has been the main benefit.  If you think dictating a girl in a school will reap rewards, then I am seeing things far differently.  Without being a pushover, girls will generally give more when you allow them that bit more flexibility. 

As non-approving of this as I can be due to the age factor, some of the girls hold no reservation in flirting or saying sexual things to their friends when I turn my back about what they could do to me.  One of them even did the tiger growl and hand expression when she walked past me.  Bear in mind I am over three times the age of some of them. 

A final thought

This entire process has given me a first-hand experience to evaluate the comparison between how children respond to my existence against adults.  I have produced this easy explanation:

With regards to males, it is an inverse correlation.  I would estimate that 70% of men are not fond of my presence, leaving 30% who strive to be friendly.  There is not much in between.  With boys, I estimate 70% to 80% are fond of me, and 10% hold some kind of grudge (I would tend to think this 10% is mainly the popular boys who have heard the popular girls saying complimentary things about me).  This leaves an approximate 10% who have barely noticed me.

With consideration to females, I hold by the stance that 80% of women are not fond of my existence, with a remaining 20% who range from trying to get to know me or are not antagonistic but with no urge to pursue and contact.  With girls, it is again pretty much an inverse scenario.  80% seem to be anything from proactively liking me to standard friendliness, against the 20% who are not keen or just apathetic. 

This view of mine holds firm to what I have documented in this blog for the last decade.  In simple and general explanation, the younger the female age (and consequent younger female emotional mind), the more interested, engaging, and friendly girls/young women are towards the most physically attractive men.  Once the female age passes 23 and up to the early to mid-30’s, the less preferential, cooperative, and amiable women are towards stand out looking men.

Once women enter the mid 30’s, a greater percentage lean away from the 23 to early 30’s mindset as explained above, and towards the way of thinking accustomed to the girls/young women.  Regardless, they will never, or rarely, go back to how they were as the fearless teenager who just hunted down the hot, popular, and often jerky boy/young man.

A final, final thought

A man’s main form of envy and bitterness towards another man is due to the fear of said other man being more sought after by women (including his own female partner) than him.  Conversely, boys do not undergo these negative dispositions or habits, such is that the older attractive man is seen as a mentor and role model, and not a rival. When all said and done, the boy views him as someone he aspires to be, whilst the man sees him as a competitor and threat.

A woman’s main form of nose out of joint moments towards a high value man (and mainly very good-looking man) is due to her hostility in seeing a man who likely does not value her beauty in the same way as a less physically attractive man’s eyes project onto her.  In essence, her ego is punctured because of his options with women.  On the other hand, most girls embrace a hot man, because not only does a girl lead with her heart and sexual impulses, but she feels her social status is elevated by being part of his life.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                         If men could remove jealousy and acerbity from their lives, in addition to not following the social pressure to fulfil their female partner’s financial expectations, they would live a far healthier and stress free life.

Friday 15 March 2024

Some men will never warm to you

 

                              “Nothing is little to him who feels it with great sensibility.”                                  (R.H. Blyth) 

 

I could lay testimonies to dozens of men who epitomise what I will write within this post subject, but I will pick on this particular example for the purpose of self-amusement and recent reflection.

I recall a man (Richard) in the gym I went to a while ago.  From first impression based on nothing more than life experience, he struck me as a bit of a wannabe Ladies Man.  For summary of what I class as a wannabe (as opposed to actual) Ladies Man, I offer you these usual signs.

·       Usually middle aged men, but they can sometimes be men even younger than thirty.

·       Often small business owners, or in a middle to senior management or director position within their employer hierarchy.

·       Average looking facially (as >95% of men are).

·       Overweight to average body profile (but not significantly obese).

·       Average height (occasionally short men too).

·       Arrogant, and into their own self-importance – measures of which are way above their objective value.

·       Prevalent in not so discretely broadcasting their popularity and success with women (usually with no proof).

·       Bullies and ridiculers. 

·       Like the sound of their own voice.

·       Poor listeners.

·       Often not the most intelligent in a natural sense (even though they may have made it up the employment ladder via other sources).

·       Antagonistic towards objectively more sought after men.

In case you have not worked it out yet, I dislike these types of men very much.  I pity them equally.

The man at the gym

Back to the man I referenced above.  As I always do, irrespective of my first impression of any man or woman, I give someone a clean piece of paper in terms of judging them on the person they are when interacting with me.  Occasionally my first thought can be a little array from the actual persona.  Usually however, my first impression is pretty much on the money.

In his case, the latter prevailed.  I remember sitting in a spin class not long after I had finished my radiotherapy treatment.  I was near full visual recovery at that stage.  As the class was a 50/50 split of women and men – which included mainly mediocre women, with two to three reasonable looking – I sensed the first time I sat down on a bike that he looked at me with distaste. 

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                       As explained in this previous post, men of such kind – wannabe ladies men and men who think they are alpha males – hold an instant discomfort, jealousy, dislike, and acrimony towards men who are more physically attractive in a pronounced manner.  In essence, men wrongly think that women are attracted to men in the same way men are attracted to women (based primarily on physical allure).  Whilst women are sexually attracted to men of the highest physical attractiveness, unlike men’s screening for women, most women opt to select less physically attractive men as their male partners.

Another time that stands out is when I was doing my hair in the toilet area mirror (hence outside the main changing room).  He walked in, and straight away in a ridiculing fashion said – “Oohh, do I look okay!”

The idiot was clearly trying to have a go at me, entwined with his instinctive envy, negativity, and hostility towards me.  If I had my time back, I would have given him as much, if not more, ridiculing comments back.  I guess I was not quick witted enough on the spot. 

I cannot quite remember if anyone else was in the toilet area at the time.  Logic would suggest there was (maybe someone was taking a shit !?), because pathetic bullies are renowned for speaking out in these moments with a safety in numbers mentality.  In any case, the principle is the same.  He still had the comfort of other people around (the changing room is literally a wooden door away), therefore his choice to say what he did at that particular moment ran in true predictability.

On other instances when I have struck up chit chat with him, his unease with my presence is all too clear to see.  He just talked about himself, and never asked any questions in return.  Once more, a predictable habit of someone who feels inferior next to another, but who tries to conceal this inferiority complex by talking and self-promoting themselves.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 When you work human psychology out, and you fathom the way people act even when you do not like their conduct, life becomes a lot less infuriating.

A later comparison of his differing behaviour

A couple of years down the line, when I had now joined another gym, and I went for a coffee with a friend of mine who was also a member of the previous gym I referenced.  He started to tell a story which included a really friendly and engaging type of man.

When my friend mentioned the name “Rich”, I asked him if he meant the same man.  It clearly was him, because as much as the physical similarities we both described for him, we both mentioned the building products company he owned.

My friend could not have spoken more highly about him.  Nevertheless, I could not just sit there without saying that, as much as I believe what he says, it has been transparent from my interactions with Richard that he has not been so amiable. My friend was taken back a little by my words, but we left it at that.

The easy conclusion to Richard’s polar opposite demeanour is this.  My friend is a chap in his sixties, with naturally no urge (or appeal) to hit on attractive or half-decent women in the gym.  Compare that to myself, who he sees as a major obstacle in his quest to attract these women.  It does not take a genius, therefore, to see why there is such a difference.

A final thought

It is kind of amusing, because this post takes me down a memory lane trip with regards to my early ventures to America.  At the time I did not think much to this, but it all collates into a common theme.

I am certainly not saying this applied to all men (I recall one really friendly and likeable young man in a hotel gym in Charlotte who I spoke to, and he was quite a good looking guy himself), however it struck me how many native men appeared belligerent or unengaging around my presence. 

As American men, in my opinion and experience, are the most competitive men in the world in terms of their endeavours to attract and mate with women (in particular the most sought after women), it retrospectively derives as no surprise that they did not enjoy a man of my look as a potential competitor.  Throw in the British accent to assist (most American women love the male British accent), and voila monsieur, the natural consequence is a man who cannot control himself to a defaulted unfriendliness. 

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                                  Once people stop becoming bitter, jealous, antagonistic, and disengaging towards you, it is time to accept that you no longer hold a desirability, social standing or/and importance level that you once owned.  Sometimes your biggest frustrations in life can be a by-product of your greatest blessings.

Saturday 2 March 2024

Can relationships be happy over time?

 

“To loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?” 

 

There was always a phrase I recall as a kid that was used in many films or TV programs.  I would expect nearly everyone has heard it before:

It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

Back then, it simply passed my mind as an obvious saying.  Nearly everybody desires to partake in the feeling of love, therefore even if it does not work out, you will always have the experience that cannot be taken away.  Fast forward to today, and I would still go by this consensus, however there is a bit more to it than meets the eye:

A recent movie

I recently by accident came across a low budget movie on Prime Video.  The movie itself will not stay in my memory for very long, however the dynamic possessed a somewhat greater appeal.  In summary, a woman was married to her extraordinarily rich, but over-controlling and serious, husband.  Her suffocation due to his dictatorship caused her to have an affair with a loser – no job, no money, no ambition etc – of a male lover (albeit a nice enough guy), however for a brief period of time she could not take the smile off her face.  It was like the lead weight had been taken off her back, and she could finally breathe in some air.

As she and her lover lay in bed, the man actually made a striking point.  His words were (in particular reference to her interface with both him and her husband):

You can have everything, but if you are unhappy, your life will be a pile of shit.  And you can have nothing, but if you are happy, your life will not be a pile of shit.”

In a way, the rest of the plot was predictable.  After a bit more fun and sex with the loser, she gets caught up in a drugs raid where he is arrested.  She consequently sees him for what he is – someone who could not realistically provide for her – in most categories, past a phase of a few weeks.  Conversely, the husband most likely gave her what she needed a few years ago – marriage, money, and security – yet the thought of being with him forever makes her want to vomit.

Speaking of vomit, she ends up getting pregnant.  It was most likely the loser’s seed, although it also turned out that she had two abortions when with her husband.  One scene in the film showed the husband explaining to someone that she had two miscarriages.  Read into this what you will.

I am going to keep this post short, because there is plenty of literature and assigned posts which cover this topic in detail.  Nevertheless, in the modern western world it really is difficult to be happy over a longer period of time.

Who is most to blame – women or men?

Both.  In essence, women want more from men that what they (the women) can realistically expect or what men can feasibly provide, whilst men want a pie in the sky life where their female partners stay as attractive as when she was younger and when they first met.  Whilst the former scenario is highly unlikely in comparison to the latter scenario being impossible, the one common factor is that neither are satisfied with the outcome.  Babies and material things can paper over the cracks for a time, but it will pretty much always come back to haunt.

Divorces creep up to a near one in two rate, yet even this high ratio does not tell the full story.  Of the half that do stay together, how many are still miserable and just plodding on because they cannot get out without it having drastic ramifications on their life?  I would say this accounts for forty percent, therefore, looking at it from optimistic eyes, this leaves a lucky one marriage out of every ten who are genuinely happy.

Long term cohabitation couples who are not married (and in particular if they do not have children) will be a little happier in my opinion, but the recipe of distaste towards their partners still follows the same path.  It just takes longer to get there.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                         It is easy to make a woman happy in the short term of a relationship cycle.  Her massaged ego and validation needs alone produce this happiness.  The medium term brings about reduced happiness, bordering onto unhappiness.  As far as the long term is concerned, this is when unsavoury and frustration emotions take over at best, to abominate and resentment feelings at worst.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                 Never finding a woman who you stayed with for a considerable number of years can be viewed upon like this.  You most likely never reached the peak or trough of happiness and unhappiness respectively, but your average happiness level over the equivalent period of time would have been higher.  Your stress levels will have been much lower too, which should mean you currently stand in better health than otherwise.

Q-tip 3:                                                                                                                            Marriage, or even long term relationships, are near on irrelevant when you are that dying man reflecting on your life.  You will only remember the love and happiness you acquainted with women, irrespective to whether you were with her for a lifetime or a month.

Saturday 17 February 2024

Which male attributes most attract women?

 

“If unsure or uncommitted of the corrective move, always go with your instincts. You never truly know which decision was best, so at least your conscience is then clearer.”

  

This was an interesting article I came across the other day, aligned to the post title:

**********************************

Ah, now that's a question with a lot of layers, isn't it? I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine over coffee about this very topic. It was one of those lazy Sunday afternoons where the world seems to slow down just enough for a good chat.

She was telling me about a study she'd read, which suggested that different people are attracted to different things. For some, it's a physical trait like the eyes or a well-defined jawline. Eyes can be quite captivating, you know, they say a lot about a person's emotions and thoughts. And a strong jawline, well, it often signifies strength and determination, doesn't it?

But then she leaned in, with a twinkle in her eye, and said, "But you know, it's often more than just physical features. It's about how he carries himself, his confidence, and, oh - a sense of humor is a big one!" We both laughed at that because, honestly, who doesn't appreciate a good laugh?

And then, with a more serious tone, she mentioned something that really stuck with me. "It's the little things," she said. "How he listens, the way he shows respect, his passion for his interests, and kindness. Those are the real deal-breakers."

So, in essence, while physical traits might initially draw attention, it's often the personality and behavior that truly captivate. It's a mix of both, and what attracts one person might be completely different for another. It's the beautiful complexity of human attraction, don't you think?

*********************************

Over time, and with more experience gained from and observation acquired with women, you will fathom which women are more honest than others.  No women is immune from lying, in particular when faced with emotional topics and preferences regarding men, however you will be able to distinguish between those who speak with sincerity, and those who just say what makes their ego feel better (hence, say what makes them feel better about life and themselves).

In respect to the narrator and her friend, I would hedge a fair bet that the former is far more honest than the latter.  My experience with women, with firm confidence in my view, draws to the conclusion that when a woman talks about endearing physical features she likes in a man, providing she states with transparent genuine verbalization (hence, not saying she likes extra fat around his waist, or bald men etc), she is saying what her instincts and heart tell her.  Conversely, when a woman attempts to bypass talking about the physical blessings in men – in switching it to the personality side – there is more than a fair chance she is a woman who resents the most physically attractive men.

To further elaborate, I suspect the narrator most likely goes for hotter men than her friend, all else being equal.  Of course, we do not know what her friend looks like (the narrator looks about a 7/10 based on the photo), as often, but not always, a woman’s physical attractiveness plays a large part to the kind of aesthetically looking man she screens for.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                Opinions will always be opinions, and on subjects where facts cannot be pinpointed and where subjectivity is king, it allows a person to say pretty much whatever they want, irrespective of how lacking in credibility and how far from the truth it appears. With this in mind, if you can base your opinion on what you truthfully believe, and what your eyes see and not what you want to believe, you will live a far more stress free and productive life.

Male personality is important…

With that said, and even accounting for the undeniable life consequence where the vast majority of women will desire to be with a lesser looking man in gender relative terms, it is still vital to accept that a man’s personality in attracting, or at least appealing to, women is especially important.  Whereas a man places first emphasis in striving for the best looking woman he can acquire, and other factors come secondary to this, women do place far greater weight towards a man’s non-physical attributes.

This is why I have always said that for all men – irrelevant of their physical attractiveness degree – personality is something they should work on.  It is most likely, for most men, far easier to improve their personality and character than it is to become significantly better looking.  I dissect three categories:

·       Ugly to below average looking men, absent of extreme wealth and social status, will not be able to secure much better looking women.  Nevertheless, if he has a great personality, he will bridge that gap of what he wants, against what is he currently getting.

·       Average to above average looking men, even with poor to mediocre personalities, will still regularly be able to secure women at least 10% more attractive.  This is a direct result of a woman desiring to be with a man who is noticeably, but not significantly, less physically attractive than herself.  However, throw in a good personality and charisma to assist, and this leverage will jump to 15% at least, and even >20% on rarer (but not uncommon) occasions.

·       Good looking to very good looking men’s necessity for a good personality is arguably greater in comparison to ugly and below average looking men.  Perhaps not so much at a younger age where college/university women or younger women in general are more inclined to go for lunkhead (but hot) men, but from a female age beyond 24, it is harder for these men to solely rely on their hotness.  This illogical reasoning is because, as described above and inundated times on this blog, women are looking for reasons to not date the best looking men.  If said good looking man can bring an endearing personality to the table, it mitigates this obstacle and predicament to an extent.

How important is male humour?

Male humour requirement is a grey area to me.  If it was imperative in attracting our good female gender, then the most beautiful women would all be with comedians (which is not the case) and not sports/film/music stars (which is the case).  With this simple observation considered, it is an easy assumption therefore to say that women place far greater priority on male wealth and status, than they do on male humour (or on male personality generally).

With this acknowledged, you could make an argument that a man’s humour level is not of immense importance.  However, you have to remember that >99% of men are not sportsmen, Hollywood actors or musicians, and >99% of women do not look like these referenced stunning lookers seen on the television, internet or magazines (coming to think of it, these celebrity women do not look as good as that in the flesh, such is the photographic enhancement world we live in), therefore you need to look into it from the perspective of us mere mortals of the world. 

My take on it is that having a sense of humour is far better than not having one and being anxious all the time, and it will, more often than not, give a man a better chance of upgrading with women.  I would also though say it is by no means a deal-breaker if you do not have a profound sense of humour, as if you are living in the same world as me, most women take themselves too seriously - which prevents them from being able recipients of humour anyway.

A final thought

And at the risk of talking about myself to end this post, I would say I have a good sense of humour - as a by-product of not taking myself or life too seriously – but I am not a hugely funny person.  What I mean by this is, unless in an environment where I am at most comfort (usually one on one or in small groups, and with people who I know enjoy my company), I am not a competent jokester or storyteller. 

The way I have mitigated this, one could say, weakness, is to, at the risk of repeating myself, not take criticism or haters too seriously.  I am not a great thinker on the spot in coming back with one lines in the face of ridiculers or people antagonistic towards me, however I have learned to respond with a mild smirk and hold a few defaulted and memorized one liners when applicable.

My personal favourite is as follows:

Ridiculer (example): “What the hell are you wearing!”

My response: “You don’t like me very much, do you?  Is that because you’re worried your girlfriend may like me more than you?”

This has been beneficial on a few occasions, because I find that no matter how humorous a man is trying to be at my expense (and usually these men are not funny, but just trying to be funny in front of their mates), the sheer power of psychology and reality conquers any form of humour they produce.  At the end of the day, if you fire back something where even the funniest man in the world has to question his worth, his weapon of humour has effectively been destroyed.

Saturday 3 February 2024

Materialistic and stressed out Brits

           “There may only be one crowned, but usually it takes two to either fail or succeed.”

  

Post gym workout, I was having a conversation the other day with a middle aged man who runs a pharmacy business.  We started talking about stress levels and people having heart illnesses in the United Kingdom at much younger ages these days.  It opened up a ten minute discussion on the whys and hows…

His main reasoning behind this predicament derived from obesity.  Being a pharmacist, his knowledge of medication evolvement regarding obesity, and its necessity it should be said, is far greater than mine.  With this considered, I can only respect his view and assume he knows what he is talking about.

He went on to further add that the only true way to confront the obesity plight we live in is in the form of prevention.  He elaborated in terms of the way to reduce obesity levels is to address it at an early age.  We both agreed that even if this process were to be successful (as there is little sign of success right now if it is in place), it would take decades, maybe generations, to show any sign of objective real life improvements.   

My take on it…

I responded in a way that whilst I agreed with his thoughts, the bigger reason towards our country becoming a high stress and heart attack vulnerable hotbed is more a by-product of working excessive hours, and further to the point, the stress involved within the time we work.  He very much agreed.  Don’t you just love talking to someone on a similar wavelength to you!?

I then stated that the main cause of this – British people working longer hours than other countries in the Europe – is because we have effectively replicated our big brother of the United States in becoming over-materialistic and searching for the (American) dream.  In essence, too many of us Brits have been dragged into the “Keeping up with the Jones” mentality, in holding desires for our lives to look better than our colleagues, friends, acquaintances, and even enemies.

A recent first-hand view

Having recently been made redundant, I met up with a Chief Operating Officer/Director of a large company in the demolition industry.  I had actually met this man just under five years ago to talk about the same job we were about to discuss, but back then nothing came of it.

I went into the meeting with an equal dose of open-mindedness and reservations to suit.  I met both him and his right hand man, and we sat down for just under an hour.

The COO just about recognized me from five years ago (granted, his high ranked position will mean he meets a lot of people), to which he said it was my hair he recalled.  To lighten up the conversation back, I said that I had aged in the interim period, but then haven’t we all.  He exerted a mild chuckle.

What first struck me, somewhat pertinent to my comment as explained above, was how much he had physically aged.  Five years may have passed in time, but he looked ten years older.  When he had to take a call, his right hand man took over for a while.  What was clear to me was how stressed and haggard he also appeared.  If he were to tell me his blood pressure and cholesterol levels were excessively high, I would have said to myself that you are only telling me what is obvious.

The COO came back, and he clarified that the main reason they are looking to recruit someone is because, due to the workload over recent years, he has been working evenings and weekends.  In his own words, he said this is why he is always pissed off.

As the meeting progressed, I remember saying to myself that, in spite of it being a financial package higher than anything I had earned previous, it just simply would not be worth the hassle and sleepless nights.  It brought back memories of a course I went on in my early career, and the course leader explained that no matter how many pay rises you receive, it will not compensate if you are just moving from one role to another, or within the same role in a job, that you hate.

A few hours later, the recruiter rang me to ask how it all went.  I told him that even if they offered a position, I would not be interested in pursuing.

How does this all come together?

I have tried to narrate this post in such a way in order to illustrate how it all manifests as follows:

1)    We are a nation which is over-stressed and susceptible to early heart trouble.

2)    We are obese and unhealthy.

3)    The main reason we are obese and unhealthy – compounding the effects of stress, mental health, and heart issues – is because we work long hours in jobs where we encounter too much anxiety and sleepless nights.

4)    Because we are working too long and too stressed, our poor diets and lack of exercise – due to both a shortage of time and lack of self-esteem – produce our obese and internally unhealthy bodies.

5)    Because of all this, we are basically an unhealthy human being in waiting for a heart attack.

In a way then, one factor feeds off the other.  Obesity is a result of over-working and high stress, and high stress and a lack of free time fuses further obesity.

Why do we work this way?

Nevertheless, the crunch of the matter, in my view, will be explained.  It is a view that not many people truly consider, or perhaps more to the point, they will not accept, as it goes against what society wants and needs us to believe.  Even clever pharmacists, doctors, or other high professionals will abstain from this belief, because quite frankly, most of them have been dragged into this quandary themselves.

In easy summary, the male British mindset is one, to secure the best woman he can attain, and two, to keep the future wife happy from leaving him.  He thinks he needs to give her everything he possibly can, no matter how unhappy he becomes.  If it means him taking extra hassle roles time after time, working longer and longer to cater, just to give her the biggest house, best cars, best schooling areas for the kids, and fancy holidays, then who gives a crap about what is best for him…

And I believe this is the problem we live in today in this country.  We all want things we cannot afford, or at least things which will cause us an unhealthy existence to get there.  If men desire to choose this path, then be my guest.  It has been a path I repulse in seeing, and most certainly a path I have never held any ambition to dip my toe into.

A final thought

Furthermore, not only is this problematic situation causing male unhappiness and deprived health, but it is often a root issue for marriage breakdowns.  There cannot be many men out there who enjoy being over worked, over stressed, and overweight, and whilst his respective wife may enjoy the extra money this troubled life of his brings, it is rarely enough to maintain her love and liking towards him unless it is a constant barrage of excess money.  Even this is usually not enough to save the relationship. 

Notwithstanding, such is the lifestyle they need to maintain to impress others, disposable income of excess and not knowing what to do with it is very rarely the case.  What is the reality is that even if the man is taking reasonable pay rises as he moves up the career ladder, the extra money seldom keeps up with his female partner’s expectations and required predilection for the nice life.

With this in mind, he just gets unhealthier and more unattractive as each monthly pay cheque arrives.  In the simultaneous timeframe, his wife’s attraction towards him gradually, or quite often hastily, deteriorates. 

The final chapter of this sorry state of affairs is, quite aptly, an affair.  The man slaving his guts off becomes unhappy with his life, concurrent to his wife and children not appreciating him for his endeavours.  Sex becomes more infrequent as each month passes, and, like no mean coincidence, temptations on business ventures or office interactions lead him to adulterate.

This is if his wife has not got there first.  She has become so unattracted and unappreciative towards him that, even if just for sexual pleasure as opposed to having a clear intention to leave him (usually she will hold desires to leave him, as a woman who cheats on her man does not want to be with him in any capacity), she will very much screen for better male options regarding infidelity or longer term.

Q-tip:                                                                                                                                        You can have everything, but if you are unhappy, your life will be shit.  Alternatively, you can have nothing, but if you are happy, your life will not be shit.

Friday 19 January 2024

Get out at the first red alert

 

                                      “You may only succeed if you desire succeeding;                                                                               you may only fail if you do not mind failing.”                                        (Philippos)

  

A red alert via a woman’s action/s should be a man’s confirmation, which is usually confirmation retrospective of earlier suspicions and tell tale signs, that the time has come to move onto something else.  This man needs to offer no more words than the below predicament he once found himself mixed in.

“We had a fight about her sleeping over at her ex's house. She insisted it wasn't a big deal. When I asked her how she would feel if I had a sleep over with my ex she said it was different. I said yeah, we didn't live together and weren't engaged, you were. She then said if I didn't trust her to have sleep overs with other men then it was my problem to figure out. I left and told her her stuff at my house would be outside, come get it before it garbage day or it was going in the can.”

Time to say goodbye

On the basis this man’s actions were true to his words, I applaud his taking of no shit from her once she fell way below the standards and relationship ethics that any man should expect, as a minimum within her part of the relationship, his female partner to abide by and adhere to.  I have heard and seen this kind of story once too often for my liking.  To be frank, if I had only witnessed it once in my life then it would be one time too many.

The part we do not know is whether he was aware of her intention to sleep over at her ex’s house before she chose to do so.  For removal of any doubt, if I were in his position and she had told me this was her intention, I would have plainly told her that should she opt to do so, the exit door to our relationship would happen a microsecond later.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt in believing he was not aware of such circumstance beforehand, in which he then categorically did the right thing in calling it off the moment he found out. 

In truth, just by her telling him that she did intend to sleep over at her ex’s house, even if she ultimately did not do so in practice, it would be a red alert sign in itself to broadcast such a thought.  I am not saying that on every single occasion I would dump a woman just by her saying she was going to do so (providing she did not carry it out), because it would need a little assessment of the case by case (or woman by woman) process. 

For one, it could be that she is lying (maybe there is not even an ex on the scene), and she is just trying to test my reaction.  There is also the possibility that she is just going through a few moments of attention-seeking, personal validation hunting and self-ego stroking, and desiring to feel better about herself.  Nevertheless, by and large any woman stating these words of staying at an ex’s house is a sure sign to either put her in her place straight away or run for the exit door after having your fun for one last time.

Why would a woman do this?

To reiterate the words in the above paragraph, there are a few reasons a woman will inform her male partner that she is sleeping over at an ex’s house.

·       She is just trying to test what kind of man you are (and hoping you put her in her place for suggesting such a thing).

·       She is an attention seeker.

·       She is a woman who needs the male company of more than just her lover (even if it is just platonic with the other men).

·       The love of one man is just not enough for her validation and purpose in life.  Again, she may not be looking to play away, but ultimately her drama and attention requirements lead her down this path.

·       She is still into her ex (most likely telling you they are just friends).

·       She constantly needs to feel better about herself, and the relationship and companionship with a male partner is not enough to float her boat in this respect.

·       She has got to the stage where she is so fed up with you that she no longer cares what you think.  She is almost hoping that pissing you off will force you to dump her, in order to not feel guilty about her actions in what she is doing to you or her being the dumper (note: this is rare because for one, women have little guilt of their misdemeanours in the first place, and second, they have too much pride and ego to be the one who was dumped unless they crave on sympathy acts).

Further thoughts

The man in this story does the right thing in turning the tables – asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.  What he received here was the typical and predictable female answer in these scenarios.  Instead of giving any kind of objectivity or substantiation to her answer, she just comes out with the “it’s different” ambiguity line.  These kinds of piss poor answers are accustomed to women because it allows their little minds to allow their conscience to be clear, concurrent to thinking it is the man being the devil.  Essentially, she is always the victim (so she believes).  In essence, she wants her cake and to eat it.

She then, in equal predicable fashion, plays the card of accusing her male partner of not trusting her.  Once more, it is a vain effort to move the guilt from her mind and onto him.  A weak man falls for this in fear of losing his woman.  A strong man tells her how it is going to be on his terms, and he is happy to face the consequences of losing her.  There are plenty of other women out there for him to bang, and many better than her.

A final thought

I can assure you that no woman who is sincerely in love with her male partner would sleep over at an ex’s house.  She would be so in love with her current partner that the risk of upsetting him – and further him telling her to go forth and multiply (and hence, him ending the relationship) – is not worth taking. 

Additional to this, women fully in love with their male partners actually look to create distance from their exes (and distance from other sought after men in general) rather than bridge the contact back or expose themselves to other men.  You could argue that sometimes this is to eradicate any temptations she may have to play away, but more common is because she, at least in the current time, only holds inclinations to be with and think about her respective male partner.  Love conquers all, at least in the short term before love fragments simultaneous to bad habits reoccurring. 

Finally, and in conjunction with the reason of not carrying out the action to sleep at an exe’s house, a woman holding genuine love for her male partner does not even suggest the possibility of sleeping over at her ex’s residence.  Even if there are no skeleton emotional feelings on her part any longer, or it was a case of a mixed group of friends having a party at his house, a smart woman will not rock the boat in the first place.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                Nearly all men have jealous tendencies, in respect to other men sniffing around their female partners, when they are in love with a woman.  There is nothing wrong with this mentality from an internal mindset perspective, because if he was not jealous, it is symbolic of him not being in love with her (or even infatuated by her sexually, without the love).  However, this internal jealousy has to be controlled by not exposing or illustrating too much external jealousy.  Once a woman sees a man is too jealous, and this is all the more pertinent the hotter the woman, male jealousy will be construed as an unattractive male trait.  She will then start to feel she is too good for you.

A final, final thought

On this topic, it most probably has not escaped you in terms of how a decent number of times in your life you will have seen the inverse dynamic to the explanation in this post – where a man finds himself either intentionally or unintentionally (directly or indirectly) socialising with his current female partner and his ex-girlfriend/fiancĂ©/wife.  Whilst I fully respect and understand why the female partner should do exactly what I instruct on the male predicament side – in which she should impolitely tell him to pack his things if he makes efforts to see his ex – it is no coincidence that far more often than the gender inverse scenario where men are not on board with this, a lot of women seemingly are happy to go along with this.

Just across my road there is a daughter in her mid-thirties who still lives with her parents.  There is one particular ex-boyfriend of hers who regularly comes round to see her.  Sometimes he is on his own, but infrequently his current female partner comes along too.  If you saw the daughter, you would realize that due to a shortage of male takers she probably is simply happy for some male company and attention, but another part of this will be because she holds onto hope that one day she can prize him back.  The fact he has a new partner just fuels her motivation to do so.

As far as why the current female partner goes along with it, or generally women who (often voluntarily) find themselves in this same threesome bubble, the explanation is simple.  Whereas men are no more (and often less) attracted to their female partners, all else being equal, when she is in the direct interface with a male ex, women apply the opposite emotion.  Simply put, a woman is always looking for something that attracts her more towards her male partner (and for verification he is good enough for her and that other women find him attractive), therefore you find that the jealousy she inflicts on herself ignites and enhances her attraction onto him.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                     The person in the relationship who controls the jealousy see-saw is the person who controls the relationship.  Always aspire to make your female partner that little bit more jealous of women striving for you, in comparison to you being jealous of her having male suitors.  No woman wants a man who no other woman wants.