Wednesday 30 October 2013

Are relationships built on a material world?

“In a previous world, a man’s looks would open up the doors.  In today’s world, his money may just be the ingredient to get him through the short-term door.”

A good friend of mine once told me about this girl he was highly attracted to in physical terms only (hence, she has a personality of a goldfish).  He elaborated in saying she only dated men who, simply put, were cash rich.  Whether this was due to his hard work in holding down a lucrative profession, or a case of belonging to a rich father, it didn’t matter so long as the man had plenty of money at his disposal.  The guy she was dating, although not bad looking, was clearly a couple of levels below her in physical attractiveness stakes.  This was the opinion of many people within this social circle, both females and males alike. 

The above situation was around my 19th birthday, but what stood out as much as anything at that time was the words my best friend stated of “would you really want to go out with someone you know is only with you for your money?”  At the time, and still today, the friend I refer to was the highest earner out of all the other acquaintances in my social and professional network, therefore I couldn’t praise him enough for this view.  The irony is he actually ventured into a relationship with someone with materialistic tastes some six years later.  Perhaps more bizarrely, she was fairly average looking herself.  They are now man and wife.

Many years on, and I cannot help but have the opinion that the number of women with this strategy has increased multi-fold.  High profile magazines, reality television programmes and the celebrity world we now live in have given many people the thought of wanting a piece of this, and consequently living beyond their means, or better still, living off someone else’s wealth.  In the pattern of the process, the more beautiful she is, the more scope she has to get there.  Now I’m not a naïve person, and in the society of fame, rich men and extreme physically attractive women, there will always be partnerships that can last for a certain period of time.  The mutual needs scenario is clear: he has someone he couldn’t have without money (and has little shame in admitting this), and she has the plentiful choice of material gifts she couldn’t have otherwise.  Women and men are very different when it comes to their motivations in seeking a partner from the opposite sex.  A man will almost always stretch himself to acquire a woman as good he can in respect to her physical attractiveness, and he is motivated by the thought of what she gives to him sexually and emotionally.  On the other hand, many women are far more inspired by the feeling they have in themselves more than the visceral grasp their man can offer.  So even if he isn’t the most handsome or charismatic man on the planet, the things he can purchase for her with an open cheque book is what makes her happy.  How long this agreement can last is open to debate.

 I have come across a number of women who appear to provide evidence to this pronounced evolution.  I recall recently catching a woman looking at me in a nightclub.  I approached her within a few seconds, and started a conversation that was probably never going to be the most stimulating (loud music and alcohol are rarely the recipe for great topic talking).  Her first question to me was “so what do you do for a living?”  A guy can analyze this in two different ways.  He can assume she is interested in his life and that it is in fact a genuine question, or he can assume she has a salary figure that many men have to jump over.  When I informed her of my job status, she basically walked away as soon as her second foot touched the ground.  Personally, once the little bit of pride has been swallowed, and we all have a level of this, it is better to concede a rejection like this as a blessing in disguise.  If a woman has this mentality, the likelihood is she is high maintenance.  A woman is only as high maintenance as a man allows her to be - in other words, if he stands up to her then she won’t act like a spoilt kid - but it is rare she will ever totally change her money orientated mindset.  Anyway, without sounding like it was sour grapes on my part, this particular woman wasn’t high calibre enough in physical appeal to belong to this category, and it’s important to realize this early on.  If a guy makes the decision to be a rich beta male, and he makes no apology with himself to find a woman like this, then that’s fine as long as he is open minded with this choice.  He will just have to forgive people like me for not joining him.

So what is the establishment here?  It’s clear to me there is a growing number of young women becoming more materialistic.  The more attractive they are, the more likely they are to fall into this cash hungry predatory status.  At this point it is important to note that not all physically attractive women are like this, and some less visually pleasing women (usually those who rate themselves higher than the rest of the world would do so) do take this approach.  Add the probability that many of these women have fathers who are keen for them to find a wealthy man, and mothers who will continuously tell them they deserve one, and maybe it is no great surprise to these outcomes. 

Is there a long term for these relationship set-ups?  Well, yes and no.  A woman’s looks are the highest critique to most men, yet this isn’t the case with many women (especially beyond a certain female age), therefore even an ugly or average looking man has a chance to secure a pretty woman.  If he can add job status, power or money to his character portfolio then he increases his overall attractiveness value.  If the woman knows within herself that money is what she desires over any other preference in her man, then she has very little reason to look elsewhere.  The problem is these are artificial feelings, and it is like a habit that needs feeding constantly.  If the poor guy bleeds himself dry to satisfy her, he ends up with a nervous breakdown and she turns to resentment of no longer having the life he promised for her.  Then again, she may just move on to the same wealthy guy with a different ugly face?

A lesson for men should be this:
Feeding a woman’s monetary needs is counter-productive over time.  If you are an astute man and confident your disposable income can stretch to cater for a cash demanding woman without detriment to you own life, and the sexual rewards supersede this expenditure, a short term blast to get what you want is not a problem.  But not many men are clued up enough to use this strategy, and they are dragged into the conveyor belt of sustained spending.  The problem with this is two-fold.  Not only are these men going further than they need to do so in relation to a woman’s true value, but she will resent him over time for doing this.  A man who constantly, excessively and consistently pays for everything (not just in money, but time and energy too) is sending out a message to the woman that he is doing these things to seek her approval.  A man who acts like this sends out a sign to signal that he can do no better.  When a woman believes the man she is alongside cannot do better than her, she starts to believe she can do better than him.  Poof, all parties are losers.

Sunday 27 October 2013

love @ first shyte

“Life is a game.  Love is the prize.”

If I wasn’t an active investor in the U.S. Stock Market I would never have come across this informative program that was aired the other evening on CNBC.  It was a combination of amusement, eyes raised or mild smirk moments, and an actual genuine interest to the insight it had to offer.  The channel’s showing of love @ first byte gave a good 45 minutes on the subject of the current internet online dating phenomenon.  As an honest guy, honest I will be, and as a writer and observer of relationships, social psychology and most of all, real life human interaction and decisions, I couldn’t help but be gripped to every minute I’d invested in my time.  

As expected, a program of this genre that would alert men and women with limited options in the dating market – otherwise you wouldn’t need to use online dating consistently in the first place - had factual information filtered in with bias, idealistic possibilities and convenient absence of true reasoning.  Nevertheless, it was a whole lot better than hearing thousands of women give you bizarre justifications to why they cannot find a high quality man.

The statistics raised my eyebrows a little.  In America alone, 30 million online users can be found.  Of all unmarried American inhabitants, 1 in 5 people use online dating as a source in aspiring to meet that special person.  When it is considered there are 100 million singles in the U.S (really?), this generates $2 billion per year from this one country alone.  For those who like to play with numbers such as myself, straight away you would calculate there are 10 million Americans using online dating who are not registered as being single.  Does this tell you anything about how happy they are in their current relationship? So the first thing to say is: people are looking for improvement on what they have.

My own experience of online dating from over 6 years ago was short, limited and unmemorable.  I’d just broken up with someone I held in high esteem in comparison to the female benchmark, and I wanted to get back on the saddle quickly.  A guy at the gym who I had never spoken to before started up a conversation about how much action he was getting on the PlentyOfFish free website.  I thought there was nothing to lose, so I subscribed a couple days later.  Well, if I was to put some guide to the quality, it wouldn’t take long.  I predict that 90% of women were above the age of 25 (most of these in excess of 30) and looking like something out of a horror show.  5% were average to lower cute (5/10 to 6.75/10) in physical attractiveness.  4% would be a little above this grade but usually with a parentage label.  No more than 1% were cute or bordering on hot.  In the case of these more eye catching women (and it could take hundreds of scrolling to find one on some nights), it appeared to me they were simply on for attention and ego leverage.  I’ll admit that some of my messages may not have been with much thought behind the consequence, but I’m pretty confident my profile picture alone would stay in the minds of nearly all women, above and in comparison to the other 99% of men on the site.  I barely received a message back from any of them, and if so, it was with the obvious sound of desiring more to flood their inbox.  I’ll never forget one message I sent a young and reasonably pretty woman, and I’m sure she got her Mum to message me.  Surely it couldn’t be that the most physically attractive women are not comfortable with men as, or more, eye catching than them, could it?  It must just be my imagination.

After the statistics were thrown at the viewers, love @ first byte analyzed – the largest subscribed online dating site with reference to paying users.  With starting prices of $18/month, analysts estimate that, whilst not confirmed, boasts in excess of 1 million paying subscribers.  It focused on a self-employed 34 year old woman (Lisa) and a 38 year old part-time male (Joe) stand-up comedian.  He did have a professional job by day.  Although Lisa theoretically disqualified Joe because her age stipulation was for a man to be between 32 to 35, could indicate he would have a chance because it could track the fact she had previously clicked on 4 other men’s profiles who were above her stated age preference.  The industry term is “Disinicz” – the difference between what we say we prefer, and what we actually pick when given a choice.  Does this sound familiar?  The moral here for my more naïve friends is to never believe what a woman says until she proves it with actions.

It then went onto focus on EHarmony.  This site takes 15% of the market, and is second only to in market share.  In 2009, the online dating site states that on average 542 people per day got married after meeting on EHarmony.  That equates to nearly 100,000 couples per year and 5% of all newlyweds in the U.S population.  How do they do this?  EHarmony’s niche in the market is their “Algorithm” – a system that doesn’t allow people to just browse databases and instead places emphasis to pick out only a few matches each day.  It succeeds in this deliverable by requiring users to complete a 100+ point questionnaire.  It’s clear that EHarmony are focused entirely towards long term relationship seekers, and this software allows a separation between serious people and those using the site for ulterior motives.

In both cases – and EHarmony – psychologists, mathematicians and software engineers collaborate to take online dating to the next level.  I would comment that, whilst these educated and intelligent heads from 3 different backgrounds is admirable and to be applauded, all this statistical selection process is only as valuable as the honesty of women’s, and men’s, answers.

The part of the program I perhaps found the most humbling and fruitful was a piece with Dan Ariely, a professor of Psychology and Behavioural Economics at Duke University.  Ariely had suffered serious burning in his younger years, and he explained how he had to accept where his place in the dating market would be post incident.  In relation to his experiences and profession, he took on a role as expert in human behaviour by studying thousands of online interactions and numerous factors to what makes us attractive online.  From his findings, it was transparent that height and salary is vital to men.  He added, at 5 ft 9 inches tall, that in order to be as attractive as a man standing 5ft 10 inches, he would need to earn an extra $40k per year.  He also stated that educated men are more desirable, but education for women holds no difference.  Here we go again: height, money and smartness for men are key in unlocking a woman’s door.  But yet again, programs like this, or society in general, seem petrified to even mention what men truthfully desire in women.  

So to balance out the promotion of online dating websites and their associated selling points, it contested these methods against traditional matchmaking.  Samantha Daniels, a former divorce lawyer (that’s convenient and ironic), turned dating matchmaker, commented on how online dating accessibility had improved her business due to the exposure it presents and the frustration it can cause.  Daniels predicted that 40% to 50% of her clients were previous online dating users, and some were coughing up to $25k of their hard earned cash for her expertise.  A representative from OkCupid challenged this old fashioned route due to the vast numbers of bad dates people go on when outside parties try and match someone up.  From personal experience, I agree with him on these 2 fundamental counts:

 External parties will often match you up with someone they like, but not necessarily the type of person you want.

They match you up with someone who isn’t the best you could get.  They tend to base it on your age, so if you happen to be a young looking older man, they strangely ignore this pronounced luxury.

I speak from first hand dealings.  Women who have tried to set me up (usually wives or girlfriends of my close male friends) are aware of the types of women I go for – younger, hot women with good personalities and values.  The “matchmakers” are happy with the personality side, but it’s no coincidence these women who play the cupid role are many years older than the women I go for.  Ultimately, you can only conclude that women, in general, do not take kindly to a man who has the necessary armoury to attract and date women more than 5 years his junior.  Men, whilst a little envious of your uncommitted life opportunities with younger and hotter women, will rarely stand in the way of an opening for you. 

One anecdote that stays with me is when I was accompanied by a young stunning blonde at my mate’s wedding reception.  He’d married a woman a few years older than him, so you can imagine the look on her face in addition to the snarling expressions coming from her peers of similar age.  When we split up, his wife tried to set me up on a date with a woman of similar age to me.  I’d seen a small picture of her, and although reasonable, not my type.  When his wife asked him whether I’d consider it, he could only politely tell her that it was doubtful I’d be in it for the long haul.  For men who suffer similar predicaments, that’s all a woman with inclinations to quickly settle down needs to hear to disqualify a man.

However, Daniels (the professional matchmaker) went onto make a good point about the shortcomings of online dating.  Because female online users are inundated with followers, they are sometimes going out on 6 to 10 dates a week.  She said that even if a man is 85% ideal, the woman with options is always thinking she could do better.  This should be a lesson for all men, let alone online dating active men.  Supplication and constant compliments – that online dating by nature leads a man to – only serves to inflate a woman’s ego beyond her objective value.  All this achieves is making the whole process of male long term relationship chasers more difficult.

In chain event order, love @ first byte then highlighted back on the first date for Lisa and Joe who met on as explained above.  Albeit that knowledge of the camera was on the two of them, her after date interview words of “he seemed like a genuinely nice guy” were words he wouldn’t want to hear.  More to the point, he wouldn’t have wanted to see her face as she said it.  The look sustained that irritable tug of war between forcing herself to like him but knowing something was missing.  I’ve seen that picture all too often with women staring at men in vain hope of attraction when in bars, at work or any social venue.  It’s the constant nodding of the head that gives it away by trying artificially to convince others, and her own mind, that she’s met a great guy.  But no sparkle in the eye is close to being seen.  She tried to look as keen as mustard whilst running the concurrent underwhelming portrait of a woman. 

I predict she had, and still has, those predilections for jerks of the world.  In fact, I could have been right with this assumption without even seeing her in the program.  The simple reality that a 34 year old woman put down a male age bracket of 32 to 35 age range would have told me everything I needed to know.  Although I’d knock a couple of years off her birth date in respect to the visual, women of this age who want younger men should be viewed upon with caution.  Because no matter that women never truly lose the sexual feelings they want through thoughts of bad boys, the needs of a typical 34 year old woman would almost always hold more leaning towards personality, wealth, status, commitment and providing capabilities.  Joe was clearly too nice a guy for her, even at her age of today.  So a lesson for men who see someone representative of Lisa on a dating website: either know you are a care-free bad boy, or be a man who knows interaction strategy, female psychology and how to deal with women who like that less gentleman type of guy.  If you are an unapologetic and self-confessed nice guy, and you still cannot resist the lure of a woman like her, be warned of a broken heart at Christmas. This will be after she has opened your overspent presents.

For older readers of this blog, OurTime is an online dating service for the 50+ category.  The company estimates 25% of the industry’s profits are from the contribution of this demographic group.  People in this segment have far lower expectations and far fewer options in the dating market.  They know, irrespective of other metrics outside of the looks department, that people aren’t going to be lining up at their door.

Not being the most technological hungry person, I was not aware until now about the upsurge in mobile phone dating applications.  This source of the industry has taken off in cities like New York and Los Angeles, and picking up steam across America in Miami, Phoenix and Chicago.  Revenue was up to $201 million in 2011, and it is expected to reach $455 million in 2016.  This is not to be sniffed at, and I think an equity or two in a company of this field may be on my radar.  Basically, mobile dating applications are a simple device that only has a photo, screen name and whereabouts information of the person involved.  It is critical to the proximity of potential gatherers.  It offers an opportunity only secondary to meeting someone in a bar, so in theory two people could arrange to meet up within a 5 minute walk of each other if there is an attraction to the picture.

From a personal perspective, I like this method.  As I’m an advocator that at least 80% of women prefer to be with a man who is less physically attractive than they are – on the basis men are of similar relativity in other metrics – this application allows a chance to get away from sending messages to women who are not comfortable with this dilemma.  You are probably more likely to meet women who are less money and status orientated, as they are comfortable in using the looks as the foundation of development.  However, like meeting a woman in a bar, this doesn’t refrain from her simple urge of attention and a free drink.  As someone who doesn’t like to waste time on lost causes, this is ideal for men with my way of thinking.  However, I do accept that more introverted and shy men need the whole 24 hour timeout to digest, psyche up and lose the sickly feeling that can derive if still in female intimidation phase.

The woman they focused on for mobile application success was a 25 year old New Yorker who worked as a PR girl.  She was a 6.5/10 looker at best.  I’d put her in that shaggable realm, but the type you’d be rushing out in the morning in hope you never gave her your surname or address.  Whilst it could have been for the cameras, the technology facility made it that two men turned up to meet her at the same time.  Both men were better looking than her, but yet again, here’s another way to crank up the female ego.  This is all no good for men, or women, in the sexual market.

Overall, I thought love @ first byte was a worthwhile 45 minutes of my valuable time.  Nobody could quite bring themselves to say the truth of the whole dating market that is: women want an older and powerful man with money, and men want a younger woman with beauty.  Of course in the women’s case, money, and power in relevance to the context, only act as a short term fix.  I wonder if one day a program like this will mention the word game, and how women have caused men to go down this route.  I guess this would be pie in the sky.  In fairness, very few women on online dating would need an element of game using on them, but it is contextual to the man.

In summary, hot women without baggage don’t need online dating.  This is why you will hardly ever see a hot woman on a dating site.  They can secure an equivalent man, albeit not always someone they would choose in a visceral manner, without having to click on a mouse.  They only need to click their fingers once and a reasonable quality guy or a well paid man will be at the ready.  Most top end cute women are in a similar position, but it just filters down a level or two in male calibre.  Online dating is for the less visually blessed females or/and those with kids.  So the message is straight forward.  Out of all the women they showed on the program, not one was of high end beauty in physical terms.  The only woman that got close to this accolade was the presenter herself.  Maybe she was the editor too.  There was a glamorous blonde shown on her wedding day, but no mention was made to that couple in relation to online dating.

Internet dating isn’t for me, but I do think it offers an avenue for others.  At least it’s your choice who you select, unlike matchmaking people with hidden agendas.  You can be fooled by the claimed statistics to how many marriages are a production of meeting online, because what this doesn’t tell you is how genuinely happy the couples are.  I think this important point gets missed, not just with online success stories but in any other environment too.  A marriage is not the defined symbol of true happiness that it once was.  Easier divorce access allows people (mainly women) to perceive marriage as an easier decision.  The thought of the big day, babies and a life absent of loneliness can rule a person’s mind over thoughts of whether they are truly happy and in unconditional love.  People settle, in fear of being alone, rather than believing true love is out there.    

As, to my knowledge, there are no divorce statistics to prove either way, then I’ll give these couples who meet on a desk top computer, laptop, tablet or mobile phone screen the benefit of the doubt.  My hunch tells me that most stay together, because most people who venture down the online route will be significant years older than a traditional couple meeting elsewhere.  Across a broad spectrum, an older age will act as a catalyst for fewer options, and less options results in less inclination to stray.  To many, an uninspiring life together beats times of an unknown life in solitary existence.

Acknowledgments and further reading

2012 CNBC. Inc. – love @ first byte

Wednesday 23 October 2013

Do men really understand the type of guy women desire?

“It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.”
Charles Dickens, English Writer (A Tale of Two Cities, 2003)

Very few days will pass a man by, whether he is single or attached, when he asks a simple question of himself: “do I really know what women want?”  As whilst the singletons are more often than not seeking the answers to acquire the girl of their dreams, those in relationships have still probably not worked it out for themselves.  Sure, they may believe the right buttons are being pressed in this present time, but how do they truthfully and objectively know this?  Even if they are carrying out the appropriate moves today, there is no saying this will be enough for tomorrow.

When we enter the first stages of a potential relationship, everything is rosy in the garden.  We can’t sleep at night in thought of seeing them next, and we don’t think much about our friends, family or other people from the opposite sex, such is the fact our mind is dominated by thoughts of this one person.  We try and hide our smile a little when we meet up, but in a world of seven billion people, all we need right now is that one person.  No matter which two people belong to this emotional collectiveness, this period of time can only last for so long.  For arguments sake, it is usually up to 6 months, however the initial feeling can quite easily commence in fading well before.  This is when the real challenge begins.  Those out there with a mature, level-headed mind can draw from past experiences and already be aware this time would happen, even before it actually does.  Unfortunately, many people never expect the fire to stop burning, and they are consequently unable to face up to it when the inevitable occurs.

So the question is: who pulls out first of the honeymoon period?  The cynical women of the world, sometimes with justifications based on past experiences, will claim men start to endeavour less after this period of time.  The presents they receive from their boyfriends are not as frequent as they once were, his eyes start to wander towards other women, and eventually he becomes bored and starts to look elsewhere.  In the case of a man who probably was indifferent in terms of his feelings in the first place, this view of how men act will not be far from the truth.  On the other hand, a man’s view may be that his girlfriend no longer appreciates the things he did for her as much as she once did, or the exceptions have now become the norm.  It may be that he is actually acting no different, yet because her expectations have risen, he now has to jump over a higher bar to impress her.  It’s more than a coincidence that when things are going well and smoothly, a woman seems to talk to her friends who are in a relationship and are supportive towards her dating this man.  Strangely, when things hit a tricky patch or there has been a recent argument, she goes running towards her single friends - those who are jealous, and deep down, although never confessing to it, harbour ambitions for her to split up with him so she can join the single female party.  All this brings it onto a recent scenario I encountered:

Many years ago, I’d been in a relationship for 6 months with a girlfriend I was in love with.  I told her I loved her after 3 months, and a couple of weeks later she said she felt the same way.  This was my first mistake - telling her I loved her before she told me.  Nevertheless, the whole relationship followed a similar pattern to that as explained above: butterflies at the start, appreciation of each other, and small debates after 3 months.  Around the 3 month period we mentioned going on a holiday together in four months from that day.  My girlfriend had said she could only afford a certain amount of money to pay for herself, therefore I offered to make up any difference of the deficit it would cost.  This was despite the fact I had been out of work for 2 months at that particular time.  Approximately a month prior to our proposed destination date, she rang me to say she had found a great place to go, and asked the question to whether I was still fine in making up the monetary difference for her.  Between the third and sixth month period in our relationship, I had not received the compensation money from my previous employer.  I had informed my girlfriend of this, but the big mistake on my part was that I did not tell her I could no longer pay the balance for her.  To clarify, there was no problem for me paying my own way, but I simply had no money to contribute her side of things.  When I told her this, she went ballistic, claiming I should have mentioned it her earlier and that I’d ruined her whole summer.  I recall that night she went to see one of her single friends.  The next day I received a text from her stating how angry and let down she felt, and that she would not come round to see me that same evening.  I offered somehow to find the money and pay the difference, but in hindsight this was a huge error of desperation and a wrong move I would swear to never make again.  She made a huge deal about me having no money in general terms, and that I would have to find a location for us where she could afford it solely.  I never saw her for a week.  When we finally did meet up, she broke up with me, claiming we were different people and that my ways with money were unbearable.  She was round my house for less than an hour, unwilling to give it another try or to compromise in any manner.  All I can remember is words coming from her mouth that sounded like a pre-scripted puppet, with her single friend pulling the strings.  When she returned home I received a text, stating words of being useless when it came to boyfriend material, and she offered advice to what I should have bought her for our 6 month anniversary - as opposed to what I did purchase.  For the record, she did send me another text the following day, conceding she was harsh in what she had written the night before and that I was in fact a nice and lovely lad.

The above situation involves the simple facts of that chain of events.  I'm the first to hold my hands up to my weaknesses and deficiencies, but if there are two things I pride myself on it is a lack of bias towards my own favourability, and most of all, my honesty.  I asked many of my friends, family and work colleagues (many females included) for their take on this whole fiasco, and every one of them gave me the same opinion - basically my one mistake was not telling her at the time that I couldn't afford to pay her difference, but apart from that she was out of order expecting it in the first place, and even more in the wrong for making such a big deal out of it.  To give more facts of the situation, she openly admitted to me that she had £10,000 in savings, but she didn't want to touch this as it was a future deposit for her own house.  Maybe this information should have painted to the fact she had no intention in the first place of us being together long term.  Unfortunately, a beta male in love, no matter how intelligent, intellectual or knowledgeable he may be, cannot see the light of objectivity when his emotions of love are placed before him.  With all this said, I would expect all the people she had told would be adamant that she was clearly the guilty free party in all this, and that I was the “jackass” she needed to depart from.

In a matter of seven days I had gone from a man in love, with a girlfriend I thought I knew and trusted, to having an ex-girlfriend who probably believed in the opposite of nearly everything she said.  This also conceivably includes her previous information of wanting and deserving a nice guy, having told me about the many bad boys she had dated beforehand.  I don't believe that any more.  I never realized at the time, but when I consider the number of times she criticized people she knew for being jealous, mean with money or attention seeking, she was actually referring to herself without knowing it.  Hypocrites can be people living in glass houses with oblivious views of their own character, and sometimes it takes one to know one when criticizing another's persona.  I once read a statement that interprets: "if a man needs to find the truth in a woman, he shouldn't believe what she says, but he should watch what she does."  It stays with me all the time.

That last statement may be far too broad to generalize, but it's a fair assumption that most men will have been involved with a woman who falls into this bracket.  They may just not have been conscious of it there and then.  So if a man does encounter a woman like this, what path should he take?  Does he take this theory as gospel, and act on the opposite of what she says every time?  I doubt this would bring about much success in the relationship, especially for the longer duration.  Does a man truly desire someone who he is second guessing all the time?  Men out there can only hope they fall at the feet of a genuine, honest woman, and one who is confident enough to believe in what she says without a thought to the consequences of her self-value or insecurities.  It can seem like a hard task being a man, and despite the low life guys who go cheating on their wives or girlfriends, most of them can be too honest for their own good.  Maybe that's why women leave their men?  Maybe this honesty turns their thoughts of them into a predictable human being with a lack of mystique?  Leave something to her imagination, even if it means silent moments, and refrain from telling her too much, too soon.  In the meantime, there will be men walking down the street, scratching their head, wondering if they do actually know what women want.

Even men who are proactive in their investigations into female emotional tastes will have their work cut out.  A man in his early stage of diving into female opinions will believe, with reasoning, that female internet blogs are a useful place to start.  If this is the chosen path, he should be careful to the content and views he believes from the heavy number of women on these sites, as many of them will be stating words that are not aligned to the actions they carry out. 

Further to this, scientific studies are, on paper, fruitful sources to gain the truth.  However, whilst some of these studies do place them in anonymous and behavioural conditions, the magnitude of accuracy in women’s answers needs to be assessed in accordance of what is seen in reality.

In both cases – internet blogs and science – the reasons the results should be sometimes treated with skepticism and caution is on two fronts.  First, women may manipulate their answers to justify their real life emotive decisions or to conceal their apparent weaknesses.  Second, and more likely, the female mind can often state desires from instincts only to later realize these are not choices they would make in a more rationalized manner.  The best example would be women who are adamant male physical attractiveness is their first priority in a man’s sexual market value, yet they curiously are in relationships with men who are far less visually appealing to the outside world.  This isn’t to say science is not a prudent source of useful information if a man would like to find out about female emotions when it comes to their choices in men.  Nevertheless, spending time actually observing female habits in various environments will offer a more objective and valid path to what they will do in real life.

A rule of thumb in arriving at a reasonable conclusion when it comes to establishing women’s emotional decisions is to split the group into thirds.  That is, if asked about a touching subject involving their tastes in men, a third would tell the truth, a third would direct or deploy their answers in a way to deflect from their frailties, and a third would give instinctive replies that are the reverse to the things they carry out.  Unfortunately, in a time frame that often doesn’t cater for inefficient moves in pleasing women – otherwise women would never leave men due to a lack of interaction strategy – men are cornered into taking a view to the most productive actions.  It all ends up back at watching what they do, rather than listening to the words they say.

Women are perceived, and probably always will be, as the more treasured and valuable sex.  When all is said and done, as they hold the key to the reproduction cycle of society, this perception is perhaps with full justification.  As long as there are the majority of men who are average looking beta males – many of them striving to find the love of women who are visually a grade or two above them – these men will continue to be supplicated and give leeway to female misdemeanours.  Consequently, this further feeds the female thoughts of belonging to the precious gender.  This lack of firmness on the male behalf only serves to do disservice to both parties, as men feel the need to always be trying harder, and women, despite not always being conscious to this, are better off in the longer term due to their subconscious preference for men who refrain from idolizing and unchallenging habits.  A woman never should be able to know she can always have her own way with her male mate, and a man needs to learn the art of refusal from time to time.  However, it all too often appears this isn’t the case.  Ultimately, the trend towards this inevitable unhappiness is the fault of the lion’s share of the male population.  Women may hold the key to a sustained population growth, but men need to unlock the combination that is the world to a happier future for both sexes.

Sunday 20 October 2013

Female process projected attraction onto men

The rule of thumb for female projected attraction onto men goes through this process:

At a young age, most women desire the popular bad boy.  These men are usually more physically attractive than the average male level, but they are rarely from the best looking 5%.  The reason for this prevalence is that, at a young age, the female mind is at its peak in terms of required challenge, unpredictability, intensity, drama, and a need to be the one chasing a sexual target.     

As women get older – post 23 years of age - their preferential emphasis in seeking potential male mates takes an imperceptible change of direction.  Although they still have visceral feelings for the bad boy types – because the female mind doesn’t simply switch off from these feelings that draw them towards these men – a conscious awareness has been established to confirm that most of these men, for a number of reasons, are not inclined to settle down, be reliable, or take on the role as a responsible provider.  As women at this age are now forming priorities for reliability over instinctive emotional connections (even though the ideal scenario is to find a man who ticks both boxes), they will substitute, to an extent, the bad boy with a nice guy.  Nice guys generally fall into the beta male category, and the vast majority are average in aesthetic terms.     
Another consideration to female selectivity is the age at when women’s sexual market value starts to decline.  Exceptions will always take issue with the reality, but rarely do regular women become more visually impressive beyond 25 years of age. They will subconsciously be aware of this apparent perpetuation of their pinnacle look, and this realization forces them to reinforce in their belief that the highest calibre men are those of higher status - but not the highest in physical attractiveness.  Basically, they now doubt they are on a level playing field with better looking men, so they drive force to other desired metrics, even if they are not convinced of this transition in their own mind.  This recognition of sexual obsolescence, even if in plausible deniability, draws them to lesser looking men who they would perceive to have a heightened appreciation of their existence.  In addition to all this, a large amount of women above 25 years of age formulate a mental state of trust, insecurity and egoism issues that are negative in taking into account being in a relationship with a good looking man.  With all this in mind, a suitable choice would appear to be a high earning, high status, commitment willing, but average looking man.
Although this is the normal course of events in the path a woman takes in emotional decisions, it isn’t always a route that will conclude to a happy ending.  Whilst the bad boy dilemmas in the early days will sustain heartache, sleepless nights and stress, this dynamic does fall in line with how a woman views a high value male.  When women hunt down a man, the brain is informing her that he is of high quality.  Once she is knowledgeable a man is proceeding in all the constant sycophancy and tracking, an element of what she feels the need to do in being validated by him is taken away.  Men will almost always need to make the first move – as very few women are proactive and open to possible rejection – but a re-frame of this hunting strategy needs to be in a way that involves a woman requiring a man that little bit more than the inverse.  With women making conceivable safer and more secure options in being with men who very few (or no) women are magnetized to, this bond is always susceptible to boredom, predictability and irritation on their parts. 
The majority of men make the big mistake in thinking the way to a woman’s heart and sexual impulses is through constant flattery.  As most men fall into the “average” bracket – average in physique, facial features, status and personality – and as female cosmetics allow a transformation to look more attractive than they naturally are, it is no surprise that many men find themselves alongside a woman as, or fractionally more, physically attractive than they are.  There are also pronounced numbers of women significantly more pleasing on the eyes than the male counterpart they walk alongside. 
 Nevertheless, these real life observational dynamics can send out cryptic messages to the curious onlookers.  Men need to understand the distinction between feeding a woman’s ego and her longer term happiness, as the two rarely go hand in hand.  The nice guys of the world – the average looking men as most are – produce the feeding pot to make women feel better and more important in their existence.  They believe that, due to scoring above their league in beauty feasibility, they should be inclined to go the extra yard to please her.  This strategy of excessive compliments, in addition to the emotional safety and financial expenditure they offer, is all well and good in the early stages of relationships.  Women are instinctive to natural egoism escalation, and this good feeling will supersede any other biological mechanism that derives from meeting a man.  There are some exceptions, as a small minority will place advanced priority on inner visceral grasp over self-centered thoughts.  However, the sycophant mannerisms that boost a woman’s ego is short lasting in her appreciation, and it isn’t long before the positivity he brought to her self-indulged world turns to frustration on her part.  The simple fact is this: a woman is aware that the higher value a man is, the less he will need to act supplicated when around her.  A man with options – who isn’t afraid to lose his female partner – will have a care-free attitude that subconsciously enforces a woman in love to seek approval from him.  It is a re-frame she is not aware of, but it is an invisible attribute he possesses to keep her interested.  This isn’t to say complimentary words should be abandoned throughout.  It is a simple balance between saying the words at the right time, in the appropriate context, and in incremental measures.  A woman needs to earn kind words from a man.  If she acts as a good person when in his presence, he returns the gesture.  When a man succeeds in this process, and never allows it to fragment, she will never take him for granted. 
When all is said and done, the sexual market is a numbers game and a case of supply and demand.  There is a shortage of high social status bad boys in relation to women in general, and the small number of these men will take up the small number (although a higher quantity than high occupational status bad boys) of the most physically attractive women.  This procedure is prominent, but not isolated, to women under the age of 23.  There are far more average men – in physical attractiveness, personality, charisma, money and status stakes – than pretty women.  On the flip side, there is a good deal more pretty women than handsome, high calibre men.  There are also a lower number of extreme high occupational status men than beautiful looking women in the world.  As female visual beauty dominates male projected attraction over any other female offering, whilst women assess a number of male strengths and weaknesses in suitability, the top 4% of eye catching females in a country’s population (90% of these being cute, 10% hot) will almost always have choices to make.  This isn’t to mean all of them end up being happy with the man they ultimately select.  

The big winners and losers in the modern day sexual market are as follows:

High social status men – bad boys

From a short term perspective, popular men with notorious reputations for being pre-selected will be the biggest winners in the modern day sexual market.  This will be most prevalent with women below the age of 23, but because there is a short supply of men who fit this bill, the demand of cute and hot girls will rarely be on the light side.  In simple terms, women love the thought of being with men who hold down local popularity.  To be alongside a man who many other women crave to be close to, this completes the external validation and inner importance satisfactions.  As a man in this bracket gets older, he will still attract women, but the numbers will diminish.  More women beyond the age of 23 will be wary not to engage with him – even if they are still attracted – and younger women will not see an ageing bad boy with the same alluring eyes as his younger former self.

Young (up to age of twenty-five), high extreme physically attractive (“hot”) women 

These women have the pick of nearly all men desiring their time.  This will be the main bulk of men (average looking nice guys), the most physically attractive men, the highest status men, and some “sugar daddies”.  If they have additional feminine, intelligence and endearing personality traits, this will further widen their attraction onto men.

Above average to average looking men

Needless to say, but important to clarify, the more sexual market value metrics these men possess, the more women they will attract.  Men in this segment have a large pool of women to choose from.  As most women in general prefer relationships with men less physically attractive than they are, a moderate calibre average looking man can acquire a woman a level or two of physical grades above the objectivity of his own.  This is all the more achievable in a current economic climate that has resulted in a more challenging process for women to take on sole residence ownership and attaining a greater disposable income.  Simply put, women may now be more inclined to place physical likings down the pecking order in favour of a man’s contribution to resources.  If men of this kind prefer not to dive into the high maintenance stigma that exists with the most visually alluring women, they will not be condemned and disqualified by women with similar looks in relative terms.  This is only true because women have far less trust, insecurity and egoism issues with men who are not receiving uncountable glances from female competitors and the outside world in general.

High occupational status average looking men 

Even if considerably older than the pursued female lovers, the revolution of high profile celebrity programmes, magazines and media exposure has produced predilections for women to have a taste of the action.  This “action” requires cash, and high status usually derives in the form of money.  Even without the added benefit of the financial aspect, high social status also goes hand in hand with the evolution of projected lure of fame.  If a man was in an occupational high status position (even if low paid), or if his occupation gave him the opportunity to exploit power and dominance, women are drawn to these positive metrics that elevate their external validation and perceived importance.

High calibre good looking men

In the regular world, men of this nature would represent less than 1% of all men in the sexual market.  Logic would point to the fact these men have limitless options with women, and some of them do.  As these men are not solely relying on their physical impressiveness to appeal to women, they are ticking most boxes that women look upon when choosing male sexual partners.  However, although these men are also looking for women with a range of qualities, they are no different to any other man in respect to placing maximum emphasis on how a woman looks.  As most women prefer men less physically attractive than they are – as general observational evidence would point out – in addition to many of the “hottest” women being low in self-confidence, there are perhaps not the abundant luxuries men in this category can enjoy that people’s perception would allow them to believe.  Consequently, whilst the ratio of high calibre good looking men to high grade looking women is approximately 1 to 4 in number, the likelihood is that only 10% to 20% or these female minds have the inner emotional security and confident demeanour to venture into long term intimacies with men of this kind.

Good looking moderate to low status men

This group will typically be young men under the age of 30.  This is because most men will physically look their best before they reach their thirties, in addition to not having the years of occupational experience to elevate their status and wealth.  A cocky and arrogant attitude of these men in their younger years also often forms a barrier that prevents them from manifesting an impressive personality and charisma. Good looking men will believe in the fallacy that male good looks are the most important accolade to have in attracting women.  To an extent, they can be forgiven for this misconception, as they will notice the inundated glances received from the opposite sex.  What many of these men fail to grasp is the realization that women are only looking, and not touching.  Such a small percentage of women are relaxed in the arms of a man who will attain as much visual attention as she does, and good looks to a man can be a drawback if he has very little else to offer.  It’s no coincidence many good looking men are single: they simply claim they are sexual players, because they can get away with people believing this is the case.  Men in this category will have their most successful endeavours with women up to the age of 23.  There on after, the success rate will slide with women above this age, and they will be best advised to analyze their chances with women in their late teens and early twenties – the age range where women are more prone to place greater emphasis on the way a man looks and have less fear in being with good looking men – for as long as possible.

Above average looking (“cute”) women

These women will have more choices than they possibly believe is plausible.  Although they will almost always come second best to a more sexually attractive female, especially if it is on an “apples for apples” comparison with regards to personality and feminism traits, there is a large pool of men to choose from.  However, the bad news is that they will lose out on their probable first choice – bad boys (if younger women) and high status men (if older women).  This unfavourable outcome on their parts is purely down to the reality that the low number of men in these categories will plot for the women with higher physical beauty.  Nevertheless, as most men fall into the average sexual market value region, there are more than enough mediocre males in looks, personality, charisma, financial and status terms to share around.  Further to this, because most of the top 20% of physically attractive women stay away from the equivalent aesthetically pleasing men, confident women with above average looks can strive, and likely be successful, in securing a good looking man. 

Ugly men

An ugly man’s dating success is totally aligned to his respective other offerings.  If he is a low value ugly man – hence low paid, low intelligence and low ambition – he will attract, and locate, a woman of a similar level in relative terms.  It’s when he has other sexual market value aspects women desire that it becomes more interesting.  An extremely rich grotesque man, with high social and occupational status, will often be an overall “better” option for many women than a good looking man with other mediocre attributes.  This could even include many of the “hottest” women.  This may sound strange to people who do not study the sexual market to a great degree, but it all falls back to female reservations in being with men as physically attractive as themselves.  Whilst an ugly man will not even attain a second look from a decent looking woman (unless it is in humour or disgust), the imperceptible compulsions that exist to not be with better looking men can lead a female mind to rationalized thoughts, and conclude that an ugly man’s strong points can cloud over her immediate repulsive viewing.

Average to ugly women

The biggest losers in the modern day sexual market are unquestionably the women sitting in the low range of physical attractiveness.  There is very little a woman in this category can do, with the exception of things within her power like losing weight and producing a bodily profile that can compensate for ugly facial features.  Even this strategy can only take her so far.  Men are thought driven to primarily look at a woman’s face, and in colder climate countries there are only so many opportunities to display an impressive body.  Irrespective of high quality female personality, money, potential inheritance or clean odour, men will rarely date down in physical grading terms.  With this is mind, women in this category will have similar alignment directions as ugly men.  Low value women will simply only be acceptable to low value ugly men.  Even an average looking low value woman will do well to find anything more desirable than an ugly man.  However, an ugly woman in high places could end up in the arms of a high status ugly man, as astute ugly men will live in the knowledge that more beautiful women are only interested in him due to their own agendas.    

Friday 18 October 2013

Five fundamental differences between women and men: part two

“You can choose to walk past the unappealing boat that sails in your direction, or you can opt to stand by the bigger ship in hope it journeys to the destination of your dreams.”

Men and women - both species are human beings, yet with personalities, habits and traits from different worlds it sometimes appears.  Women will get frustrated with men, sometimes for being too nice, for being too much of a jerk, for being too selfish but lacking decisiveness, and for being too irresponsible one moment but too logical the next.  It almost seems from a man’s point of view that no matter what angle he chooses, the road taken should have been the opposite one.

On the other side, men will accuse women of being over emotional, over irrational, illogical, and too disjointed from the real world.  Maybe they are, but often it is also a man’s lack of understanding to why they act in this way. 

The sad truth is that many men, usually those who do not know the fundamental differences between a male and female emotional brain, expend wasted time, effort, energy and money on women, only to be no closer in satisfying her in comparison to doing nothing at all.  Sure, a man can’t keep messing up, but usually it isn’t what he does that agitates her.  It’s how he does it. 

For example, two guys offer a woman advice on the same subject.  One of them tells her what she wants to hear, but he delivers it in a weak way that speaks out for her approval and that lacks confidence but ignites in optimum supplication.  The other guy tells her what she disagrees with, but he processes his words in a manner of not caring what she thinks of his opinion, such is his value of his own thoughts.  Who does she respect the most?  It isn’t the first guy.  Who does she look at as a long lost brother, and which guy is the one she is intrigued and captivated by: the first guy and second guy, respectively.  She may say it is the opposite, but in truth it isn’t that important what she says in these situations.  What is more important is how she acts on the back of it all.  Why isn’t what she says important?  Well, simply put, here’s a question: would a man rather have a woman who agrees with him but who isn’t attracted to him, or one who disagrees with him whilst undressing him in her mind?  No matter what, she will always forgive the one who races her sexual urges, irrespective of his opinions.

Men dislike their girlfriends around other male company / Women are attracted to male “babe magnets”

For clarity, women are generally as jealous as men.  It’s just that they conduct their jealousy in a different way, and to be honest, a much more efficient and productive way than their male counterparts.

It’s easy to refrain from realizing that most men, despite many female claims of men being jerks or bad boys, are made up of predominantly beta male traits.  Along with the typical passiveness, clinginess, desperation and neediness, the highlighted stand out characteristic of a beta male is jealousy.  It goes hand in hand with the situation: average looking man with a better looking woman - hence why he is insecure of her talking to alpha men around her, or even other beta males for that matter.  Unless she is totally smitten by her beta partner, and she doesn’t want to upset him in any way, shape or form, her natural inclination is still to acquire attention even when he is there.  All the pleasantries, money and personality he has up his sleeve cannot withdraw his obsession of her temptations towards a better looking and more confident man.  You can often see this kind of guy stood up against a nightclub pillar, looking worried, bitter and awkward as she laughs away with those men who believe she should be with them instead of the jealous boyfriend.

In the reverse gender switch within the same situation, a woman will still act insecure, envious and conscious of pretty women around her partner, but in a bizarre way she finds this to be an attractive reaction in her.  Not only does it show her that other females find her man a catch, but it also serves as a challenge to her.  All she has to do is grab his hand, and in her mind she is the winner.  Further to this, a woman never needs a second to consider massaging her own ego, and she can use her desired boyfriend or husband as a symbol to show off her value.  By placing a kiss on his lips, it is like her saying to other women “he’s with me, so I must be more beautiful than all of you.”  A woman doesn’t want to be with a man that no other women finds attractive, therefore pre-selected men are seen upon as a more prized asset.

      Men talk generally / Women talk about themselves

As a man interacts with more and more women throughout his life - whether attractive, ugly or average looking - in social time or at work he will become accustomed to the vast differences to the output in how men and women talk.  Now to balance all this up, there are many men who are the most boring and uninteresting people anyone could possibly meet, and they could talk the hind legs off a dead donkey.  The subjects they talk about are usually centred on themselves, but even if not they will still pursue in talking about what interests them.  On the whole though, men are more inclined to talk in general form, using words of “that”, “them”, “it” or “did you see?”

In contrast, compare this to listening to most woman.  If she is from the more physically attractive extreme, the difference is further apparent.  Her opening words will more often than not include “me” or “I”, and it will be a statement that directs the conversation towards her own life.  Basically, she is only really interested in things that involve her.  She will ask very few questions to other people unless it can be relevant to return the subject back to her dilemmas.  If you put her in a group and open up a general topic, she will stay quiet or wait for an opportunity to bring it back to her again.  There’s nothing wrong with this.  In fact I’d much prefer this type of woman against one who says nothing at all.  It can just become a little mundane at times.  The long and the short of it is that she lives in her own life bubble and she is automated in deploying the topics only relevant to her own life.

           Men and women view relationships in contrasting ways

This is an issue few men pick up on, and even when it’s over they are still none the wiser.  The thing is, it is a fundamental clue to how happy she is in the relationship and a tell tale sign to how he is doing and whether he needs to adapt.  That’s if she is worth it of course?  Over time, a man can start to create patterns to how past and current girlfriends view their relationship a little more selfishly than he does.  He needs to study her empathetic values.

When a man meets a woman and they start dating, or even in long term relationships, he will think about how good they are together, the memories they have created together, the common ground they share, and how great they make each other feel about life.  He will inform friends and work colleagues about the weekend they recently spent together, and his words are relative to “us”.  Naturally, he subconsciously knows he is happy in himself, but he will spend more time wondering, contemplating and hoping she is happy with him.  Unless it’s a marriage with divorce written all over it, his knowledge of her living in happiness is ultimately what makes him happy in return.

So with a man it’s quite simple: the happier the two of them mutually are, the more hope there is for them to make it last.  On the other hand, it’s not so simple with a woman.  When meeting for the first time, her immediate thought response will be along the lines of whether she can feel comfortable with him.  Depending on the guy she meets, her feelings range from a lack of comfort due to him having more value than her, to her knowing there is not the level of chemistry as there should be.  There’s nothing wrong with this, but it’s when she embarks on seeing him in a dating sense that it starts to become more complex.  She will be constantly asking questions in her mind to how she feels in herself.  There are some insecure women who will be living in hope that she is the one for him, but there will be more of the nature of self-concern to how her emotions are fluctuating.  She has little concern to his emotions, and she will assume he is infatuated to be seen with such a good catch as her.  A woman will talk about the two of them to other people, and she will be happy to spend time with him when all her other female friends are doing likewise, but as soon as she gets the flavour for nights out with the girls once more, and other opportunities will arise for attention with more suitable men, she will be off without a moment’s thought if she has indifferent feelings emerging with her boyfriend.

Men prefer a low profile woman / Women desire popular men

Unless it was a chance to score with a Hollywood actress, or a one night extravaganza with the Las Vegas porn star, there are not many men who prefer a well known, popular, attention seeking woman over one from the opposite extreme in being feminine, caring and loyal to their man.  As guys, we may joke around with our mates about what we could do with the local girl who gives it up easy, or more to the point, what she could do to us.  A one night no strings attached experience is fine, but give us the choice between a relationship with this woman against the “girl from next door” type and the vast majority would pick the latter every time.  We may go through a phase when we choose a woman who can replicate a porn star chorographical position, but as a good friend of mine once said in respect to these types – “she’s just not girlfriend material”. 

The same cannot always be said for women.  It’s not that they necessarily or intentionally desire the men who have nailed the rest of her netball team, but there is something within that lures her into the spell of the popular man.  Providing he isn’t over elaborative by means of hand slapping all the other guys who walk in - as this only shows desperation in trying too hard to be known and appreciated - a male member of an environment who is being acknowledged by every other man and woman in the bar will be more appealing to most women than his better looking, richer and cleverer male opponents.  Why is this?  There are two reasons;

First, it shows off a confident, out-going and charismatic man who other people can warm to.  He is someone they like to be around, and a woman will be convinced he would show her a good time, along with feeling comfortable in his conversation and company.

Second, it bounces back to her self-ego.  If she can capture a guy who other men want to be and women crave to be with, she believes this places her value on his level, and more importantly, it stratospheres her above every other woman in the room.  She could be the quietest, most timid and unconfident woman around, but in her fictitious mind she is like the local celebrity.  

  Men talk a little about a lot / Women talk a lot about a little

This is a follow on from the second point, but with a discrete difference once dissected.  When we think of men, we think of conversations relating to sport, work, friends, family, cars, travel, money, television, weather, music and property.  When these topics are saturated, they will talk about their own life.  They are not for always stimulating things to talk about, but they are just some of the topics they enjoy to cover in conversations.  With this in mind, they can’t spend too long on just one subject.  It’s like the perennial playboy: if he has many women at his disposal then he can’t spend an abundance of time on an isolated target.  Consequently, it prevents the conversation from being solely about himself.  Some do try, but usually the other members in the pack just shoot his boredom down.

Even with women who are not self-centered about their own life and who do appreciate there are another seven billion people in the world, they will never cover or be as interested in talking about so many aspects of life.  If you were to look at the above topics covered by men, the lion’s share of a woman’s speech is relevant to her own life.  This is often the reason you see a small group of women not talking a great deal to each other on a night out.  There’s less common ground, and unlike a man using a general question to a lesser known acquaintance, women are less inclined to talk about something that doesn’t shine on them.  Some women are inquisitive, and those types are a breath of fresh air when they show genuine interest in someone else.  They are just rare to locate.

There are greater differentials between men and women than most people take on board.  It isn’t that understanding every mentioned aspect has a direct impact on the implications or success within relationships, but once the distinctions are made, it is far easier to act accordingly once these scenarios rear their heads. Once a man does appreciate a woman’s ways, it will prove to be a far more enjoyable life.  He doesn’t always need to accept all of them, as this would only succeed in becoming her puppet in life - and even the highest magnitude of female power freaks will not respect this kind of guy.  He simply needs to tolerate them and be versatile, firm and compromising.  A woman has often made up her mind on a man in the early stages of interaction, as perceptions rule over the reality in her mind.  So from a man’s perspective, why not chill out a little on the way, and if the truth be known, there is little he can do to influence the thoughts racing through her head.

If ever a man is ever annoyed, confused or in bitterness to how a woman has acted towards him, it would be fruitful to remember there are a number of benefits in belonging to the male gender and that women have a much harder time in many aspects in life.  This is all the more pronounced as they get older.  The younger generation may not realize it yet, but in the sexual appeal, dating and relationship market, it becomes more apparent and illustrated as every year of your life passes by.

Monday 7 October 2013

The balance of power in relationships

“Sometimes I feel people wanted more than they had, and had to grow up to realize they already had everything they ever wanted.”

I’m a firm believer that relationships travel through a balance of power process from starting the point of dating to the stage when both the man and woman involved can comfortably state they have no desires to be with anyone else.  In some cases this could continue right up to the day the two of them jettison from the relationship, but it is a fair argument to suggest the first six months determine whether the two decide to become one, or to instead go their separate ways.

It is important to take a moment to establish the differing emotions even before the first date.  This could be two people who only met a few days earlier, acquaintances who have visited the same social event for a couple of months, or long term friends who have decided to take the plunge to the next step.  The likely scenario in all situations is that in some way the woman has made efforts to motivate the man into asking her out.  This is what women do at the end of the day - they thrive on chasing the guy to the point where she has secured his ambition to take her out.  There are a select few females who will ask a man out up front, and many take even greater pleasure if their prey is forbidden.  In other words, he is already committed to another woman.  Research indicates single women take preference to men already in a relationship or are pre-selected, and history further proves this pleasure they seek out (Parry et al, 2001) as was shown with the first woman to grace ground (in the form of  Eve - as she chose to take the forbidden apple).

Once at the stage of the first date, and for the short term after, the balance of power shifts in favour of the female perspective.  Sure, the woman made the initial moves to bring about the meeting, however much of this would be a consequence of her natural instinct in feeding off the chase and the need to feel wanted.  Quite often she may have ignored the simplistic thought of even truly liking the guy in the first place, or bypassed considerations of their compatibility.  It is here where the man’s emotive responses turn more serious.  Before the date, the woman would have had pre-determined visions of the two of them together, yet this wouldn’t have been so much the story for the guy.  Suddenly he is thrown into thoughts of this potential relationship, and he justifiably, or naively, thinks she is very interested in him due to her original instigation and indicators of interest.

The problem is the fact that time has moved on and beyond the chase for her, and as she has now captured her man, the challenge diminishes somewhat especially if he is single.  The guy’s mindset is the opposite, and what was a relaxed attitude from yesterday is now a disposition ranging from sustained plans for the two of them, to complete obsession.  No matter how well the date went, there is no guarantee she will have strong feelings at this stage.  Women put more doubts in their heads than men.  In many instances they look for perfection, and this complexity will be fuelled by negative opinions from her often jealous friends.  This is especially true if he is a more desirable male than their own respective partners.  As for her single friends, needless to say, they will make her even more wary of the possible negative implications.  Even bad dates may not deter the guy, and often he showers her with texts, gifts or over elaborate compliments.  This will have no positive effect here, and the likelihood is she will simply return none of them.  As harsh as this may seem to many genuine, caring and honest men out there, the truth is this is just the way it goes with many women.  However, if he can find the equilibrium of maintaining her interest, without the abundance of emotional offerings and sycophancy, then this will make her feel the scales are at a complete balance.  This will give the guy more opportunity in the up and coming weeks to increase the level of his affections.  There is no hard and fast rule, but three to four weeks of this should keep her interested to the point where she doesn’t feel ambushed and still wants to continue in seeing him.

Let’s take it from week four.  The guy has kept her interest level and has shown he likes her no more or no less than she likes him.  It is still at an even balance of power.  At this stage, a woman’s long term views are stronger than a man’s; reinforced further if she possessed the initial intimate emotions for him, and if she views him as a potential partner then she will give tell tale signs, even if not obvious ones.  The trick for the man here is to pick up on these hints without changing too much of his delivery in return.  Sure, the odd gift in the right moment could go down a treat, but the mention of too many long term plans will shift the power back to her and he will lose what could have been.  If he can perfect this art she will have endeavours to see him more, and she will show more affection towards him.  This is where the bad boy type of guy becomes a genius and where the nice guy fails.  The bad boy maintains her craving due to never showing too many cards from his chest, whilst the nice guy will spill his heart out in assumption she is his girlfriend before she even agreed to be so.  Something in between is better, but after only a month on from the first date, if one option only is to be taken then it has to be the bad boy’s strategy.

Now it moves on the beyond the month period, and no matter how much attention requirement a woman is inclined to have, she will not stay with a man she isn’t interested in unless there are other motivating and mitigating factors involved.  If the guy can reach this point in the relationship he knows he has more than a fair chance from here on in, and the rest is simply down to how he can handle the future situations.  The guy now has slightly more power shifted in his favour because of the way the two genders analyze the longer term.  When a woman is at a time in her life when nights in with a boyfriend take precedent over going out with her friends, she pursues this preference more than the average man does likewise in the same situation. 

However, the poor move many men make is being convinced this is the time to strike.  It is likely that within the first couple of months the two of them have only been out alone, with next to no interaction with either’s friends or family.  If he shows jealous or supplicated traits, especially if this involves derogatory comments towards her closest ones, she will only see this in a negative light.  All the good work from the first few weeks can go out of the window with one wrong move.  Women value the length of time they are in a relationship more than men.  This is predominantly true because a woman’s peak sexual market value – mainly being her physical attractiveness – is far shorter than a man who looks after himself.  It’s no coincidence that girlfriends can recall the anniversary of when the two of them participated in certain activities or events together far more easily than their boyfriend’s equivalent recollections, and the longer a man is with her, the more lenient she will be with his shortcomings.  Basically, the critical stage for a man in a relationship is in the early stages.  As time goes on, providing he delivers the right attitude, firmness and assertiveness, he will be allowed more leeway for his errors of judgment.

It can be easy for a man to get taken away by the moment on a sunny stroll down the park, and suddenly the words of “I love you” or “move in with me” creep out.  Whilst the minority of women may suck this statement or offer up like a leach, the classier and more aware of them will only get frightened off if this is spoken too soon.  She will think he is miles ahead of her in the emotional and commitment stakes.  A woman wants nothing more than to be loved by a man, but she wants to have to fight for this reward.  There is a distinct difference between the two, and if he gives it up too easily or too soon, the challenge has gone in her mind.  The scales always need to be kept at a balance.        

From here on in, the relationship becomes more flexible in terms of mistakes and wrong moves, as the truth is both parties have reached the stage where they do not see an imminent life with anyone else from the opposite sex.  More cards will be laid on the table, and in a strange but pleasing way it seems more relaxed and comfortable.  Gifts are now received with gratitude rather than anxiety, and compliments do not need to be pre assessed like before.  It’s a self-fulfilling balance of power when the peak of the mountain is achieved.  The uphill walk to get there is a hard task.  The fight to refrain from falling down – post six months - will be even harder, but this bridge can be crossed if, or when, it occurs. 

In predominant cases past the female age of 25 (on the assumption the respective male partner age is not post 40), and with the absence of marriage, the longer a relationship lasts the more power a man holds within this stranglehold that is the male and female intimate bond.  As for beyond the six month mark: this is another story for another day in another post.

Acknowledgements and further reading

Brady, D., Griffith, S.H., Healey, J.J., Melling, D.J., Parry, K. (2001).  The Blackwell Dictionary of Eastern Christianity.