Men going out solo: the pros and cons

“The amount of company someone attains isn’t necessarily a reflection of popularity.

It is more often a symbol of low-confidence and inhibition.”

Men’s, and women’s, friendships with the same gender fragment in number, solidarity, loyalty and reliability as they get older.  There may be a small percentage of people who claim the opposite, but most honest people will agree with me.  Time is precious to everyone, but over time you simply have less time to dedicate to others outside.  This even includes your loved ones.  You could argue that the diminishment of disposable time as we become older causes us to also be more selfish, and the two factors often go hand in hand.

This isn’t so much a criticism to anyone as much as an observation and acceptance of reality.  I class myself as one of the most loyal and reliable folk out there, but even I would put my hand on heart and confess to becoming far more selfish as each year has passed by, although a large part may be the consequence of being a cancer survivor, in conjunction with possessing less free time due to work commitments and progression.  Pure and simple, a rude awakening forces a person to be more selfish and evaluate who actually gives a crap about you and who wouldn’t piss on you if on fire when they walked past.  When the evaluation has been actioned, you distribute your time out accordingly. 

Only the other night, a few of us had arranged to go out for few drinks and catch up.  We only tend to do this every couple of months at best.  I’d informed all the other men of this date at least six weeks prior, and they all agreed it was a firm arrangement.  Two weeks prior to the night, I texted a reminder.  One of them backed out as he had to babysit his little boy (not sure what his fat ass wife was doing, but that’s another story).  No problem I thought, although it did make me wonder when he would have informed me had I not prompted.  A day before the night, another one started to have reservations, and he never text me one way or the other the next day.  The final man, on the morning of the event day, claimed he had a dodgy tummy and couldn’t make it.  Maybe he was telling the truth, although I know for a fact all was fine the day before when he ventured on an eight-hour walk. 

At the risk of contradicting myself, it is a fair argument that we are just as selfish when in our peak lifespan of going out – between 18 to 21.  As a younger mind is more self-centred in terms of thinking the world will accommodate our needs and all else is irrelevant, there will be many young people letting others down without an ounce of remorse.  The difference is at that age the social group is much larger, and one or two dropping out has little, or less, consequence on your overall arrangement.  The show goes on, with just a couple less faces to see.

Fast forward five or ten years, and a couple of people dropping out on short notice is pretty much wiping out your plan.  When it happens on an isolated occasion you can cut your losses and put it down to one of those things, but when it gets to the stage when you are half expecting the same old excuses, you start to wonder what’s the point. 

The decision to go out alone

Whether through travelling or working away, I’ve probably gone to bars and restaurants alone hundreds of times.  Whilst I totally commend anyone who cares little for no company in these scenarios, for the purpose of this post I’m discounting both.  This disregarding is only because, to the wider audience, contemplating going out alone to bars and clubs in someone’s local town or city is far more relevant.

Although I’m a person who cares next to nothing about what people think of me, or little about the consequences life throws at me, I still have never gone out alone in my home city of Derby.  I’m a great believer that when taking risks, the reward needs to outweigh the possible results, and as I will allude to below, too many people know me in Derby.  For this reason, last year I went out in the neighbouring city of Nottingham (which is a more vibrant city and has a considerably greater number and percentage of physically attractive women).

This didn’t come without consideration baggage too.  Although not close to the magnitude of Derby, I gradually over the years started to know more people in Nottingham.  I have been involved with more than a few women on a casual basis who live in the city or surrounding area.  But in view of the above explanation with regards to unreliable male friends, it came to a point of natural progression to venture out solo in primary objectives to meet sought after and quality women. 

All this came with mixed fortunes.  I extend on this below:

Advantages 1: You write your own script

One of the big advantages is, in attempt to meet women who strike your eye, you are the master of your own destiny.  When in male groups, some of the others may desire to go to bars you know class women do not locate.  When in a bar, one man may feel more at ease standing nearer more attainable (hence uglier) women than hot female counterparts.  When going out alone, you go and stand where you like.  This saves valuable time and money on wasted locations.

Advantage 2: Leave a venue straight away

As any astute man will tell you, a social or working venue that has a high ratio of men to women is a complete waste of time.  Any half-decent woman receiving attention from desperate men will think she is a level or two above what the mirror tells us.  This makes it twice as hard to gain positive receptiveness from her in comparison to an evenly matched ratio.  When out alone, unlike in a group where the usual decision is to stay on for a drink, you can instantly leave the place.

Advantage 3: Low calibre male friends not being there

Don’t get me wrong, a large part of going out is to catch up with mates and have a laugh.  Nevertheless, any honest man will also concede that, and especially if single, he will be on the lookout for suitable one-night stands, short term flings, or a potential girlfriend.  In the sheer law of averages in life, the reality is a high percentage of your friends will not be confident around women, have very little ability to navigate a conversation around women, and have poor body language and demeanour to suit.  This can, on more than a few occasions, detract rather than attract women.  When alone, you don’t have the hassle of carrying them.  Similarly, if you are on the hunt for a one-nighter yet your friends look and dress older than you, women can’t predict your age as accurately. 

Advantage 4: Portrayed Confidence / Mystique

Women are uncontrollably drawn towards an air of confidence a man can portray.  They are also ignited to a level of mystique – trying to work out what he is about.  A lonesome man standing in a bar, not acting in a timid or shameful way, gives off both offerings.  It’s strange because like me back then, I’d expect there are many late teenage and early 20’s men who think women are attracted to men who hang around in large numbered male groups.  The problem is, this is basically a man who is acting like a woman – with the “safety in numbers” mentality.  It is never a bad time to remind yourself that what a woman feels comfortable in acting out herself, she is unattracted to a man replicating it in the gender opposing way.

Disadvantage 1: Women’s interpreting you are a loner

We live in a world where women require social proof more than ever before, and without the luxury to explain reasons to your sole outing, a decent percentage of women will automatically interpret a man standing alone as a loner.  Such is the female mind that is petrified of any negative the world sees upon her, many women will not entertain getting to know a man who she thinks has no friends.  It’s important to have a good reason ahead of you regarding being alone, no matter how objective or economical to the truth it may be.

Disadvantage 2: Unable to exploit charisma easily

Irrespective to the level of your extroverted or introverted male friends, the big positive in being with male company is the luxury to exploit strong body language, verbal confidence, and listening skills. When a woman is analysing a man interacting with his male buddy, effectively she is weighing up how he would interact with her.  When alone, naturally this is not possible.  Even if you pick up conversation with an unknown group, the level you can positively expose your character is limited due to not having the common ground or talking topics.

Disadvantage 3: Women construing you as a poor socializer

As an add on to 1), once more many women will have concerns you are not someone who has high tolerance with others.  They may think you are a social loser at worst, or someone who falls out easily with others at best.  Again, women are always assessing a man on far more than his looks, and the thought he may be someone who can’t get on with her friends and family may enforce her to dismiss any of your advances.

Disadvantage 4: Assumption you are an extreme player

Some women love players, and they will go out of their way to be with men who they perceive to be this way.  At the end of the day, what sought after woman doesn’t desire to be with a man who is experienced with the female population?  However, and if you are a very good-looking man, if alone, many women will automatically tar you into a bracket of a man who is just out to get laid.  In the world of big female egos, a large percentage of women will dismiss this man in favour of a safer, even if more boring, male suitor. 

A Final Thought

One thing I have learned, and this may or may not apply to other men, is that it is harder for me to motivate myself to get ready and go out when knowing I’m flying solo.  Although I’m totally adversarial to the follower mentality, I guess I do like immediate company, usually in smaller groups, to warm me up.  If I haven’t got this enthusiasm in the first place, I find it hard to gather up momentum as the minutes tick by.  This is all more relevant in colder months.

Nevertheless, this has to be balanced out with the inevitable unreliability of male friends, therefore I’m a firm believer in back up plans.  With all this in mind, I’d conclude as saying going out alone can and does work to your advantage when in the right frame of mind, yet it works against you when feeling half-hearted.  Likewise, going out with company is a safer bet with greater margins.  So in essence, going out alone is high reward versus high risk.

Q-tip:

Sometimes you can feel like the world is watching you when venturing out alone.  You need to accept you may be the only person in the room doing so.  Over time and experience though, this feeling isn’t so irritable or conscious, especially if you can manifest a mind of outcome independence and not giving a shit what people generally think of you.  The harder task is eliminating your inner thoughts of what women are thinking about you in absence of any company.

Women have more non-friends than men

“If you were a man, I’d punch you in the face.”

“If you were a man, you would.”

I remember being 18 years of age and venturing onto my first “lads” holiday.  There were over ten of us that summer who thought we would take on the world, and for a couple more years the group sizes increased.  By the time I reached 22 it dwindled to a group less than half the size of the first vacation.  The following year only three of us signed up.

This process of events won’t be uncommon for many men.  You can’t keep doing this for ever, and nor should you.  Life is about experiences and trying out different things, after all.  Nevertheless, the above explanation symbolizes more than just the natural course of a man’s social life in numbers terms.  The dwindling of numbers is more representative to how most men have an innate mindset to change once they meet a woman at a young age, and the decisions they act upon on the back of this. 

It’s important to note that when I was 18, the whole Instagram and social media whoring – far more accustomed to women of today’s generation than men - had not taken off.  The ratio of men to women at these tacky holiday resorts, or local town/city nights out generally, was at least two to one.  This ratio enlarged for every hour that passed as the night progressed - women leave the scene, men stay on in hope to get laid.   The groups of men tended to be of at least six in quantity as an average, and to the naked eye the likewise female group would be no more than four. 

Although I can’t comment today with regards to the overseas group holiday locations (I haven’t taken part on one for many years), things have changed drastically based on my firm observations when on a UK city night out.  Whilst the ratio of men to women is still as a minimum two to one, the male groups are considerably smaller in number than the female groups.  The easy assumption is to think women have more friends than men in today’s world, but the more accurate explanation is that women, with their “safety in numbers” and social proof (“look how popular I am” belief) mentality to assist them, have more acquaintances. 

Q-Tip 1:

Don’t be fooled by social gatherings and Facebook “friend” quantities.  The reality is that men have more solid friends but fewer acquaintances, and women have many more acquaintances but fewer close friends. 

As an add on to the above, it is a fair but unproven assumption that men’s friends are more loyal and genuine, whilst women’s friends are based from a greater convenience and social validation perspective.  Taken further, a man’s friend has his back, yet a woman’s friend would stab her in the back if it meant progressing her (the stabber’s) life for the better.

You only need to look at a pretty girl’s social media page against a man of equivalent physical attractiveness.  I know of many upper end cute and lower end hot women who have a thousand plus “friends” or followers, yet the equivalent man in gender relative terms will attain not even close to this number.  There are four main reasons:

·       Women have a far greater inner need for social proof and to believe they are popular; therefore, a huge percentage of women will be connected to female counterparts they barely know, are indifferent towards, or even dislike.

·       Men have a far lesser need for social proof and to believe they are popular (although being popular with well-known people will attract the opposite sex), and they are not as proactive in screening for other male “friends”.  

·       Men, especially at a younger age, will actively strive in being connected to pretty girls.  There is no other explanation than their hope and aspiration, no matter how small the likelihood, that this will lead to intimacy with the girl.

·       Women, especially at a younger age (when their prides and egos are at the highest point), will not actively strive to be connected with other men.  Many women will even decline social media propositions from a man if she thinks he is not up to her street cred, and many pretty women will reject social media friend requests from hot guys they are not familiar with (as they don’t want their profile spotlight taken away from them by aesthetically gifted men).

Side note to above:

Social media has strongly contributed to the rise of female insecurity and self-consciousness.  This is rivalled only by celebrity magazines and some Reality TV shows (or any source that shows inundated photographs/images of very attractive women).  The more a woman looks at herself, the more doubts she has.  The more a woman sees visions of other pretty women (whether famous or not), the greater her inhibition of her own beauty.  Unfortunately, this increase in women viewing other hot women has not decreased female egos and expectations in the slightest way.  Quite the contrary.   

Men leaving groups

Perhaps as relevant as the ugly consequence of social media producing an attention-seeking woman far in excess of previous generations is the comprehension towards how heterosexual relationships impact on individual decision making.  During the prime physical attractiveness timeframe for most men and women between 18 to 30, a female existence will be far more sought after by men than a male existence will be sought after by women – on a vast majority basis.  This is primarily due to women in this age bracket generally being far easier on the eye and sexually desired by men than the inverse.  This circumstance manifests in men striving harder to locate a woman he desires to be his girlfriend, and once there, and with the inevitability he is “punching above his weight” in physical looks, he will (wrongly) put more far into the relationship in endeavour, financial, compromise and sacrificial terms than she will.  Many a man even wants to do this, such is his lack of success with women on nights out and in the dating market as a whole.

What this means, at least in the early stages (and often the early years if they stay together indefinitely) of the relationship, is the man will be far more grateful to be with his girlfriend than her gratitude (or lack of) to be with him.  He will often think he has scored the star raffle prize, especially if she is hotter than his usual accustomed history.  Any organized male night out won’t be a big motivation, and he will likely, and happily, make up excuses to not partake in. 

Women staying in the group

On the other hand, if the woman does not feel at all grateful to be with her boyfriend, and the decision and motives to be with him are based on his expenditure, her required self-validation that a man loves her, him giving her an ego boost due to his comparative lesser physical attractiveness, and using him as a stop-gap concurrent to her other friends all being in relationships, you will find many women staying on in the female group nights out.  She will always be on the lookout for someone better, to the point when she accepts he is the best she can do and the one who can give her a passport to the life another more sought after man will not offer her. 

Q-Tip 2:

Most women aren’t happy, or necessarily unhappy, with the man they are with. What they are is mildly content.  It is simply a case of selling her chips when she believes the roulette won’t spin favourably again.

Isolated occasions of women complimenting men’s looks

“Stay in your lane, and you won’t get run off the motorway.”

In the early stages this post may come across as self-promotion and taking a victory lap, therefore if you are someone who can’t tolerate even the most innocent and relevant acts of this kind, I advise to halt your reading right now.  I’d like to think that readers who have followed this blog since the start will acknowledge and understand that, whilst there are more than a few moments when I have somewhat promoted myself, it is only secondary to illustrating the point to the bigger picture explanation.  If you’re still reading at this point, I’d hedge a pretty pound that you will continue to the end.

I went for the annual catch up with my once best buddy a few weeks ago.  The first place we ventured into is a nice small village pub in an affluent location that is Repton, Derbyshire.  As we walked from the outside terrace to the indoor bar area, I noticed a group of women (four of them, with a couple of them being around the 8/10 looks mark, and the other two slightly lower) sitting with a few men of similar age.  The young men weren’t bad looking from first impression – around the 7/10 mark.  The whole group would have been aged in their late teens/early 20’s.  My friend and I stood at the bar for the duration of our stay.

No more than half an hour later, we decided to move on.  As I walked past the group who were still conversing away, when I opened the door to depart I heard one of the girls say in a tone and volume that clearly desired to be heard :

“He is very good looking!”
Of course, there is no guarantee she was referring to me, but let’s face it in the world of reality it would have been more than a big coincidence had she not been.  Maybe they were just talking generally at that particular time, but again, this would have been hugely coincidental. 

For the purpose of this post, let’s say she was pointing out me. 

Anyone who lives in the real and objective world will know that the ratio of women complimenting and promoting a man’s physical allure is roughly at a 1:50 basis in comparison to men complimenting and promoting a woman’s physical beauty.  I’ll explain why: 

·       A good part of this explanation is because, in consideration to males and females aged 18 to 30 (the peak physical attractiveness timescale in respect to a lifetime), there are significantly more eye-catching women than likewise men.  In sheers numbers analysis alone, this will naturally bring about more men complimenting women than the inverse.

·       Another major reason (and most likely the main reason) is because a woman knows her primary attribute in attracting men is through her physical looks, therefore as an instinctive and innate habit derives an incontrollable reluctancy to emphasize a man’s physical blessings, such is her ego and pride acting as a resistance to do so. 

·       Although, as explained above, hot women largely outweigh hot men in numbers terms, most women’s social and working environmental locations, whether through choice (to feel better about herself) or consequence (as more men are in the workplace than women in most industries), will consist of a male heavy scenario.  As most men are beta males – average looking and average in most other desirability metrics – a woman will usually find herself with a man of this kind who will (wrongly, if he harbours ambitions to keep her interested in him) deliver acts of ass kissing her, over-complimenting, and feeling he needs to roll down the red carpet.  These male acts only serve to elevate a woman’s self-opinion which is stretched out of the objectivity parameters, and with this over-elevated mindset allows her to believe she is more beautiful than she is.  All this manifests into jealousy towards men who stand out more than she does.

·       Although age dependant on a percentage basis, by and large women place far less emphasis on male physical impressiveness than men place on female beauty.  This will direct women’s compliments onto men, usually indirectly, in the form of his profession, residence, intelligence, confidence, personality, money and assets, rather than his impressive face, body and height.

With all this being the undeniable case for those who see life through truthful eyes and ears, why would a very rare situation exist where the young woman exposed her praise onto a man like me, and in the meantime making no excuse or shield in doing so?  Pure and simple: she wanted to get one over the likely cocky young men in her social gathering.

Why is this the case?

Men are more confident than women.  I’d go as far to say that nine out of ten men are more confident than nine out of ten women.  Naïve and inexperienced men can be fooled in believing that if a woman is hot, and she dresses well and acts in a way that appears so busy and popular, she is also confident.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Most women are insecure and self-conscious, and this by no means reduces as you climb up the female hotness ladder.  In my experience, most hot women are more insecure and self-conscious than cute or average looking women (in the same way, cute women are more self-conscious and insecure than plain janes).

On the total other extreme, a half-decent looking man in his late teens/early 20’s thinks he can take on the world.  He hasn’t gone through many, if any, worn torn experiences that offer him a balanced view and thought-process of highs and lows, strengths and weaknesses he attains, successes and failures that are accustomed to life, and a true evaluation or knowledge of how people view him.  This is, if you like, the enviable obliviousness of male youth – a rubber ball internal mentality that ignores self-deficiencies but highlights self-perceived greatness.  This mentality is in spite of many deficiencies that do exist, and likewise a greatness that is non-existent. 

But with this rubber ball mindset produces an air of male confidence that is accustomed to he who overstates any praise exposed onto him and who can deflect any criticism away from him.  Therefore, a man in his late teens/early 20’s, along with his army of equally “take on the world thinking” male friends, can bring about an inner opinion considerably higher than his objective value.  Ultimately, a man at the raw age of 20 may only be 7/10 in the physical looks offerings, but the life he lives and the mind he owns believes he is at least an 8/10.  If he drives a Ford Focus with a slightly enhanced engine injection, his brain can believe it is on the level of a Ferrari.

This level of confidence that sits way above his objective value is good for attracting women, if used cleverly and discretely.  Women love confident men, even arrogant men to an extent, and it is a far better road to take than extreme modesty (it can be argued that if you are a very good looking man it is better to air on the side of humility than over-confidence, but based on most men being average looking this will not be the advice I give for most men).  Nevertheless, due to female insecurity and low-confidence as explained beforehand, a cocky man can easily puncture a woman’s ego and put her nose out of joint.

All this illustration will primarily, probably solely, explain why the young woman raised her voice to state a man walking past is “very good looking.”  She wasn’t at all interested in me from a getting to know each other perspective, and I’d be more than predictive to say that if I saw her one on one in another social environment and I opted to engage with her, there’s a fair chance she would give me the cold shoulder.  Just call it the law of averages, based on my experience and intuition. 

The true reason she said what she said was to get one over the men sitting on the same table with her.  She wanted to emphasize that, no matter how good looking the men on her table think they are, they’re not even close to the level of the man who walked past.  If one of guys was the boyfriend of one the other women, this would only further motivate her to say it.  In that moment, she purely used me as the bullet to kill her enemies.  Her voice, in analogy terms, was simply the weapon that fired me.    

Q-Tip 1:

No man will ever be good with women until he understands the way they think, act and speak.  He needs to accept her motives for any delivery she partakes.  This, unfortunately to many men, will mean you have to stop polishing her rosy ass, no matter how hot she is, and accept that this harshness and acceptance of ugly truths in life will only serve to benefit you in the longer haul. 

A Final Thought

It’s a worthwhile note that this woman, as like all her female friends sitting alongside, were at least ten years younger than me.  Socially, the average woman in her early twenties will much prefer a social network with female and male associates of similar age.  Sexually, or in physical attractiveness projection terms, at least half of this same compartment of women prefer men a decade older who have looked after themselves physically.  This is pure and simply because a man of 30 who has looked after himself will look much more physically attractive than his 20-year-old former self. 

Q-Tip 2:

Older men must accept that, even if a considerably younger woman finds him sexually attractive, more than half of these women will likely opt to not take things any further with him due to the age gap.  Likewise, women (mainly bitter women post 30) also need to accept that a decent percentage of much younger female counterparts will actively look to be with a considerably older man.