Saturday 29 August 2020

Can relationships be happy in the modern era?

“Time in the market is more important than trying to time the market.”

The global pandemic has done nothing positive to make many people’s lives better.  Whether that be irritability in spending too much time at home with your partner, realizing you appreciate your kids in smaller rather than larger doses, mental health or depression, unemployment, or the inevitability of less money in your pocket, there can only be a tiny minority of people who come out of this smelling of roses.  At best, some will be no worse off than prior to COVID-19.

I walked into Derby city centre a couple of weeks ago on a depressing Wednesday morning as I waited for car repairs.  Whilst it’s not the most vibrant place in the world, it is still a city status at the end of the day with a decent sized population and catchment area.  The fact it was like a ghost town and demoralising to even the most optimistic mind, made me think what the hell smaller town centres must feel like.  Of course, retail was on its knees well before March 2020.  This has just compounded it all.

Where is all this going?  Well it just made me ponder on how the average man on the street, in particular men in their twenties and thirties, are simply being priced out of even a half-decent life.  In the western world, and England is a prime example, we can be guilty of analysing what we don’t have ahead of appreciating what we do have.  I guess this is just human nature.  But even accounting for this lack of perspective based on those truly struggling around the world, it isn’t too much to expect life to plan out a reasonably paid job for you and a roof over your head that is not prone to doors being knocked down in the middle of the night by thugs.

Unfortunately, and you don’t need more than your own two eyes to realize this, the average man is now faced with a larger gap between essentials (or at least the basics in life) and income to reach that path.  In other words, what he earns is falling behind inflation and grasping onto the property ladder.  Many can’t even afford to rent other than sharing a house with a few friends in their late twenties or even thirties, and quite frankly many men will stay at home with their parents as a preference to this option. 

How does this impact on relationships?

The problem is, in the same timeframe men are struggling now more than ever in financial terms (amongst emotional and psychological ways too), the exposure to celebrity magazines, reality TV shows (at least prior to COVID), internet accessibility to the rich and famous, and social media obsession of high earners (mainly in the form of male sports and music stars), has led women to become more expectant in what life should bring to the table for them.  The two dynamics – male struggles and female expectations - don’t match up well.  It is a car crash waiting to happen.

Male Calibre
1          2          3          4          5          6          7          8          9          10

Female Expectations
10        9          8          7          6          5          4          3          2          1

What you find in the modern world is a battle, and near impossibility, to find the perfect match.  Let’s say Drake or LeBron James is the equivalent of a male 10, and a fat, ugly, smelly, short and unemployed man is a male 1.
I’ll give a few examples:

Male Calibre 5 v Female Expectations 7

I used this as the first example, as I believe this dynamic would fall into the most common compartment.  By the sheer law of average, most men will be 5 in overall offerings terms.  The problem is, the average woman has expectation levels which are a couple of grades higher.  Most women will have to settle for a 5 man, especially as they (women) get older, because even though her self-importance mindset believes she deserves better, no man of higher grade is forthcoming.  If ever you see a woman looking miserable and like she’s been slapped by a smelly haddock, it is because she has settled for a man who was never good enough for her, in her opinion.

Male Calibre 7 v Female Expectations 8 (or Male Calibre 8 v Female Expectations 9)

You may think that because the gap has decreased by a level in comparison to the first example, this woman will be happier with what she has.  To start with, possibly.  As the man is at the higher end of male quality, the first few weeks or months give her a degree of elevated ego and something to get one over most of her friends.  Nevertheless, a woman who attains higher expectation levels has allowed herself to be brainwashed by mothers, sisters, friends or/and her own mind that no man who isn’t a millionaire or of high status is worthy of her company.  This scenario, in spite of only one grade separating the partnership, is as likely to end in unhappiness as the first one.

Male Calibre 7 v Female Expectations 7

This is as near to perfection as you will find, and it will be very rare in the modern day.  A man with male calibre equating to 7 is a good catch, and equally not too unattainable.  A female woman with level 7 expectations will not settle for just any man (an amount of choosiness is a good trait for woman to have, such is the verification she will not just hop from one man to the next), but equally she hasn’t let her mind run away with the fairies that a professional sports star will come knocking on her door tomorrow.  Both parties are happy, and providing both maintain their respective levels, there is no reason for unhappiness to creep in.  On paper, anyway.

Male calibre 8 v Female Expectations 7

I’ve used these figures as the most relevant, but it could also apply to Male 7 v Female 6 or Male 9 v Female 8.  What you find in this case is very rare, such is the fact that women by and large have a higher expectation level than the average man’s calibre level.  If the man has found a cute or hot girl who just so happens to be humble, modest and realistic (hence a rocking horse shit woman!), it is time to jump for joy and ensure she’s a keeper.  However, more likely in this dynamic is a situation where the man doesn’t quite realize his high level.  Some of this could be down to modesty, but more likely it is his lack of confidence.  In this case, the man has gone for a less physically attractive woman than himself – hence the fact she has a lower expectation level than his quality.

A final thought

Where will all this end?  Pure and simple, both parties never end up genuinely happy over a longer term. 

A women will settle for a man of calibre which is below her expectation levels, such is her fear of being alone and her greater need of validation that some man loves her.  A woman who thinks she has settled is never a pleasant proposition. 

Men, whilst theoretically should gain because they will often secure women who are more physically attractive than themselves, also over a longer period end up unhappy.  Because his woman has settled for him in her mind, eventually he has to incur her more frequent habits of mood swings, sassy/provocative comments, disappearing acts, hot/cold temperaments and, most likely worst of all, sex withdrawal. 

I went for a drink with a friend to a local pub the other day.  Stood at the bar were a three barmaids moaning about their jobs and slagging off their colleagues and work set up.  The women were about 20, 21 and 24.  It only reinforced my view on how hard it is to keep a woman happy, and how she will always expect life to be better than what it presents for her.

In this respect, most men are doomed from the start, and failure of the relationship at some point is almost inevitable.  Whatever you provide for them, it won't be good enough.  With this in mind, as a man you have three options.  One option is to abstain from women in absolution.  Another option is to go balls deep, and hope the most you are one of the lucky men who comes out unscarred and in genuine happiness.  The final option is to live in the life of women, enjoy what they can offer you, but never put yourself in the position of vulnerability where their likely forthcoming thoughts are that your best is not good enough.  I like the latter of all.

Saturday 15 August 2020

The perfect mentality for a stand out man

“It is better to be different and right, than unoriginal and wrong.”

Or to elaborate on the phrase above, it is far better to belong to a minority of people (even if this is a tiny minority) that know the reality and truisms of life, rather than consist in the majority who are followers, lapdogs and compliance robots getting it wrong.  The choice is yours…

When you are a unique man who stands out from the crowd, it’s inevitable that in a world where most people look down on those doing well, you will receive antagonism from both women and other men alike.  The country I belong to is worst than most for this unfortunate circumstance, such is the default mindset British people have in supporting the underdog but dragging down the successor.  They don’t like to see you struggle, but then once at the mountaintop they are happy to see you fall down to the valley in a heartbeat.

Uniqueness can derive in various ways.  Maybe you have stand out good looks and physical attractiveness that separate you from the masses of >99% of other men?  Perhaps you dress flamboyantly or at least dapper which, whether through your own deliberation or just ease of presence, projects attention and eyes onto you?  Are you charismatic which is in conjunction with great body language and personality?  Are you incredibly well known and popular?  Do you live in a house and drive a car that people could only dream to own?  Have you come into vast sums of money through fortune, hard work, handouts or inheritance? 

Whether it is only one or a combination of the reasons given, most people have a natural default that brings about jealousy, envy, antagonism, aggression or even hatred towards the one who appears to have what they would like.  It’s one of life’s true misfortunes, but a habit that will never go away.

If you are a man who stands out from the crowd, you can expect the following from a high percentage of women:
  • A face like a bulldog chewed a wasp when she walks past you or you are in her vicinity
  • Top lip rolled down and eyes to the floor to avoid any eye contact with you
  • Silly comments that try and devalue your obvious blessings
  • Talking about herself to avoid any attention onto you
  • Hostility like deliberately barging past you even if there is plenty of room
  • A lack of response when you interact with her
  • Pre-determined damage to your assets (this could be as little as throwing a bit of drink on your T-shirt or as pitiful as denting your car)

If you are a man who stands out from the crowd, you can expect the following from a decent percentage of other men:
  • Not dissimilar to women, head down when they walk past you
  • Attempts to humiliate you in front of other men and women   
  • In association with the crowd humiliation attempts, no courage to say these stupid comments when it is just you and him alone  
  • Discomfort in his body language when it is just the two of you in conversation
  • Aggressive behaviour towards you when he is with his mates.  This can be blatant attempt to start direct verbal conflict or fighting
  • Trying to emphasise his accomplishments in life, no matter how insignificant they are
  • Broadcasting to you, often with no link to the conversation flow, that he knows someone who has a higher grade than your particular attribute or ownership

The lists are not exhaustive, but they will cover most scenarios.  It is also important to note that not all women and men will be like this.  A very small minority of women will be amiable, friendly and engaging, almost to the point where they are trying to get to know you to elevate their own self-importance.  This is rare though.  A minority of other men – I’d say around one in four men – will go out of their way to get to know you and have some engagement of you in their life.  As men aren’t as naturally jealous as women on a wholesale basis, alongside being much more proactive in putting themselves out there, it is logical that a far greater number of men will make genuine and likeable efforts to get to know you.

But if ever you want a prime example in how to deal with people who clearly don’t like you, simply take a look at this video from 03:25 to 04:00.  As a big football fan, I enjoyed the whole thing, but for the point of this post the thirty-five seconds that Cristiano Ronaldo presents here is golden to the mentality you need.

Now some of you may say this is a bad example, because when you are one of the most famous sport stars on the planet, it doesn’t really matter who hates you due to the army in comparison of people who idolize you.  I disagree.  In percentage terms Cristiano Ronaldo will have just as many haters (hence the majority) in contrast to people who like him (hence the minority) than a stand out man who isn’t globally known.  The principle is the same.  Many thousands, even millions, of his near quarter of a billion Instagram followers will also have more negative emotions towards him than positive.  The reason they follow him is out of intrigue and being part of a crowd, rather than their genuine likeness towards him.

What Ronaldo does is perfect on two counts.  First, he self-promotes himself with not a care to what people may think to this lack of modesty.  Further than that, this self-promotion of his physical looks is in reference to his relative deficiency (in football terms) of age.  There won't be many post 28 year old women taking fondly to a 35 year old man looking so good and younger than his birth certificate shows!  Second, he throws it in the face of people who don't like him.  Why should he care, and he rightly points this out.  If you don't like me, I'm not asking you to do so.

Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind.  When all said and done, play to the audience who matter the most to you.

A final thought

There was always the alleged consensus that Ronaldo and Lionel Messi did not get on very well throughout the nine years they were rivals during the Real Madrid and Barcelona days.  Of course, this rivalry was as much about their individual statistics, honours and accomplishments than it was about club trophies. 

This is no surprise in practice.  When two super alpha males are battling out for supremacy in a, relatively speaking, same environment, it is always going to be hard for the two of them to genuinely get on well.  I know some readers are from countries where football (soccer) is not overly popular, therefore another example that springs to mind is the late Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal internal battles that were suggested by many parties some years ago during the LA Lakers triumphs.

In both situations – Ronaldo/Messi and Bryant/O’Neal – it is no surprise that two factors brought the respective players closer together with a far easier passage to get on well.  The first factor is age – as men get older, they mature and mellow.  The second factor is distance (in these instances, Ronaldo moving to Italy and Bryant/O'Neal post retirement respectively) – when you separate the real estate between two men of such high status, when they do meet more intermittently it is far more warm-hearted.

On a far, far smaller scale, I can totally relate to this.  Many men have been hostile, ridiculing and aggressive towards me when they see me on a regular basis, yet when months or even years have passed when we haven’t crossed paths, they have almost been engaging and willing in conversation.  The same applies with women.  Those who once looked at me like they had been slapped with a wet kipper appeared to be friendlier when time had passed from the last meeting.

I guess the moral is this:
Stand out men cause negative emotions to people when they are seen for the first time or/and on a regular basis, but they produce positive emotions to people when distance and time has been put between them.  To elaborate further, most people don’t like seeing stand out men on a day to day basis, but they would truly miss these men if gone forever.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder...


Sunday 9 August 2020

Women’s face or body – which is more important?

“Approach life in a smart, hard and long way in that order of importance.”

A reader asks a very good question on a subject that can often be overlooked and unspoken:

Hey Vi Nay,
In your opinion, what percentage of a girls physically attraction is made up of her face and what percentage is made up from her body? Would you say it's a 50/50 split?

My response:

Before I take on the question, I think it is important to set out the gender inverse comparison and parameters.  

Height is a far more important component for a man to possess - in attracting the vast majority of women and accomplishing their sexual attraction onto him – than the vice versa scenario.  As documented before, in my opinion there is a sweet spot for optimum male height to attract women which sits somewhere between 6ft 1” and 6ft 2”.  Being only 6ft wouldn’t have too much damage against the taller range as stated.  But if based on the average male height of 5ft 10” (at least this is what statistics state, although my day to day observations would say this is at least an inch shorter), country dependent of course, the most beneficial male height is somewhere in the region of three to four inches taller than the average.

On the other hand, men aren’t as bothered about women’s height.  Men are so fixated to the female face and body shape, tone and profile that the height – whether 5ft 2” or 5ft 8” (and in fewer cases even taller) is somewhat taken as an oversight.

I’m one of those men.  I’ve dated women as short as barely 5ft to women merely an inch shy of 6ft, but the common ground those women had is their actual figures were of comparable proportion.  Their hips, legs, breasts and facial bone structure were very similar, despite the height difference.  

So whilst most women will be sexually attracted to an optimum level to men who are four inches taller than the mean male height, men won’t necessarily, by and large, be most attracted to women who are four inches taller than the female average (the female average height being 5ft 5”).  Some men (mainly taller men) won’t be too bothered either way such is his focus on the body shape per se, but the lion’s share of men will prefer women no taller than 5ft 6”.  

Female face or body preference?

Now we have this in place and clarified, onto the main question.  What percentage of a girl’s physical attraction is made up of her face, and what percentage is made up of her body?

This is a hard question to answer, simply because of the sheer difference women can have in their facial glamour within the timeframe of a standard week.  Outside of waking up after a big night out, a man’s morning look and prime look with regards to his face will change very little.  At most, you could find half a grade, but even that would be pushing it.  What you see in the morning with men, is what you see at night.

With women, there can be huge shifts of facial appearance.  As even hot Instagram whores and similar female compartments occasionally expose, a woman who has spent over two hours getting herself ready for a night out can be a 9/10 in facial plaudits, but the natural look (which she will occasionally post on social media, mainly to try and convince her watching public she has some level of humility) without any makeup will show her as merely 6/10.  Conversely, an upper end cute woman can probably doll herself up to a 7.75/10 for a big event, yet her natural look dips down only to a 7/10.  

With this in mind, it gets difficult to assess how important a female face is to a man.  Does he prefer the woman who never reaches the heights of a dolled up (but incredibly hot) bird, yet one who doesn’t drop like a falling knife when the foundation layers are removed?  Or does he hold predilections for the women who can reach 9/10 and beyond through all the accessories on offer to get her there, even if she drops like a stone in natural face offerings?

Female body

On the other hand, a woman’s body doesn’t really have anywhere to hide.  Sure, she can wear certain garments that conceal the not so perfect tone. But generally speaking that will always get found out.

Another important talking point with regards to the female body is that it takes much harder endeavour (in conjunction to blessed genes and metabolisms) to attain a good body than it does to produce an alluring face.  As explained above, the face can easily be pumped up in aesthetic terms, yet the body not so much.  A woman who works hard at the gym would also give me a greater belief that she knows life doesn’t just come for free and requires hard work, yet a woman who just relies on Boots products comes across as lazy and who just wants the easy life.  However, this is another story for another day….

The final answer

So to answer the reader directly, personally I’d place it as a 40% face to 60% body ratio in terms of her total physical attraction.  It’s no good having a swimsuit body and a face like a horse, but likewise also no use if she is extremely pretty but with an unappealing (anorexic or blubbery) body.  It is pertinent to state though that if a really pretty girl put on weight, her face rating goes down at a similar rate – such is her loss of good bone structure etc which made her extremely pretty in the first place.

My ideal type is the woman as alluded to above.  That is a natural look of 7/10 or not much lower, who can glamour herself up to 7.75/10 or above without too much effort.  Her curvaceous and toned body is accompanied with this preference.  About 5ft 5” to 5ft 6” is my favourite height, but I’d happily go a couple of inches taller.

It is only fair to say that a lot of men do (honestly) prefer women on the skinny side of peak curves.  That is fair enough, and each to their own.  Nevertheless, I would tend to think that the woman I paint in the picture as my ideal woman would represent a high percentage of the total male population ideology too.  And no matter how much women most women have a greater motivation to outdo each other and gain the most attention in precedence to pleasing men, when all said and done the end game for a woman is to secure the highest quality man she can possibly acquire to commit to her.  This is why men will always be the judges of what women should look like, and not a female group conversation amongst themselves to decide this.

A final thought

There is a neighbour not far from where I live who I saw a few weeks ago walking a baby in a pushchair.  A week later I saw her with a young daughter who couldn’t have been a day older than two.  The woman had given me a couple of nice smiles and words, and whilst I had very little interest in respect to anything long term, I thought she was worth getting to know and to see if she held desires for a bit of none commitment fun.  At least I wouldn’t need to drink and drive!

This woman had lovely straight blonde hair, quite a pretty face and, considering the two births, on the face of it an incredible body.  I’d always seen her in tight leggings or jeans.

About a week ago she walked past the same way I took a jog on a very hot day.  She was wearing a mini skirt and crop top.  As I struck up conversation the first thing that turned my original optimistic face upside down was her ugly nails on both hands and feet.  I then looked at her breasts.  They were a very good size with decent enough firmness, so a pass for now on that aspect.  

Finally, I looked at her legs.  From what I thought - based on the tight clothing previously seen – were legs to die for, all I could see was untoned flesh that was slightly rolling every time she took a stride.  I couldn’t wait to make the excuse that I better carry on with the run.

The point to this?  Any man needs to see the full picture with his own two eyes before being convinced of what a woman’s body is like.  Certain female clothes can hide the reality.  This certainly isn’t the first time it has happened to me, and most likely will not be the last.  

Thursday 6 August 2020

Detecting how a woman isn’t interested in you and the distinctions in female and male rejection

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere
and endure strength in spite of overwhelming obstacles.”
(Christopher Reeve)

This post kind of covers two topics, but the two most certainly entwine in trend and habit.

The various ways you can sense a woman isn’t going to take things further with you are:

1) She never looked at you in the first place, most likely not even noticing you were there,           and when you approach, she offers nothing or very little back in conversation.
2) She never looked at you, and she barely even acknowledges you (or she even blanks           you) when you interact with her.
3) She looked at you, but she barely acknowledges you when approached.
4) She looked at you, she does acknowledge you and interact when approached, but the           conversation is all one way and about her life.  She asks you nothing about yourself in             return.

You could even add a fifth possibility where she is absolutely comfortable and fully interactive with you when approached, almost to the point where she doesn’t want the conversation to end.  This is a grey area, because I find that the majority of these cases are when the woman has already friend zoned the man and has no intention whatsoever to accept his emotional advances, and she is just using him as an ego boost moment to talk about herself.  Nevertheless, I exclude this scenario because there will still be a decent percentage of women who do take things further with these men – men who make them feel better about herself and life – even though there is little sexual chemistry or passion on her part onto him.

Keep in mind 3) and 4) from the above, as we move onto the next topic.

When would men reject women?

To set the parameters first, the truth is only a tiny percentage of women put themselves in a direct vulnerability position to be rejected by a man.  Their prides are too fragile and egos too robust to encounter such an experience.  Those women who do possess more fortitude will manipulate this interaction in more discrete measures than directly asking a man out, and they will often do it with safer bets (hence a man she knows would be grateful to be with her).  A tiny percentage (I’d estimate <2%) of women will be more direct with their advances, and also with men who on paper are above them in sought after level with the opposite sex in gender relative terms.

With all that said, on the rare occasions a man is asked out by a woman, these are (with isolated exceptions) the two reasons he will reject.
  • He simply doesn’t find her sexually attractive at all, even to the point of a one-night stand cheap lay or a short-term fling.  The vast majority of men will still be gentle and kind in their rejection manner.
  • He does find her physically and sexually attractive (btw, there is a difference between the two), however he is a loyal and faithful boyfriend/husband to his current partner.  Again, his rejection will be benign.

When would women reject men?

Women follow a similar pattern with the male rejection delivery, but there are a few more reasons that totally separate and explain how the two genders differ entirely regarding this matter.
  • She doesn’t find him attractive or appealing in any sense – physically or in a nonphysical attractiveness offering way – irrespective to whether she has a male partner or not.  In most cases with most women, she will be appreciative of his invite and apologetic (albeit not always sincerely) in her decline.  This process will represent most scenarios in women rejecting men.
  • She does find him sexually and physically attractive, in addition to him being appealing as an overall potential boyfriend, but she rejects him based on staying loyal and faithful to her current man.
  •  She doesn’t have a male partner, and she does find the man who approaches her sexually and physically attractive.  However, unlike a man who, in this case, simply will only base his choice to move things forward on his attraction onto her, a woman may often reject a man in this situation because her perception or knowledge of him doesn’t tick enough boxes in the none physical way.  Maybe she has seen his car which isn’t up to her standards?  Perhaps he still lives with his parents in his late 20’s or 30’s.
  • She doesn’t have a male partner.  She does find the man who approaches her sexually and physically attractive, and she doesn’t know any more about him to know whether he is suitable long-term material or not.  However, because he is more physically attractive than her, she will reject him based on her insecurity and egoism measures.  This doesn’t happen very often in overall percentage terms because the average looks grade for a woman aged 18 to 35 is higher than the mean looks grade for a man aged 18 to 35,  However, as a percentage basis on this scenario alone, the rejection outcome will outweigh the acceptance outcome by some margin.
  • She does find him sexually and physically attractive.  When he approaches her, it is clear he has a good degree of personality, charisma and intelligence.  She attains knowledge of him that he holds down a good job and career potential, he is a homeowner, and on paper he has a lot going for him.  Where is the spanner in the works?  Simply put, she doesn’t feel good enough for him, so she will try and flip the script in finding rationalisations that it couldn’t work, he would be poor boyfriend material, or even that she is too good for him (which can often be devised in a cute or hot woman’s mind such is the plaudits and attention she receives from less sought after men).  Again, this kind of rejection is remote based on such a small percentage of men representing the man as explained in this instance, but make no mistake that in these low occurring scenarios a high percentage of women will still reject.  This relevance is magnified if he is more physically attractive than her.

There is one scenario which would kill the theory to the final bullet point.  If a man held high social status on a local basis, or in much rarer cases he was famous on a national basis, women would accept more than they would reject.  Add on extreme wealth, and it is all the more pertinent.  In simple explanation, if a woman has a lot to gain from elevating her self-importance and popularity, in conjunction with bettering her life from the high economical resources, these benefits shoot down the irritable bubbles she has inside that tell her he is better looking than her and he is too high maintenance.  Every woman has her price, so to speak.

And that’s why you wouldn’t find the likes of Enrique Iglesias or Cristiano Ronaldo ever short of a female suitress or two….!