Young man dating an older woman

“Do we work for today, hope for tomorrow, and worry about next week when it arrives?”

About a year ago I met up with a friend who has been seeing a woman 13 years his senior for the last 4 years of his life.  The two of them met on a night out, and at first I think he was smitten by her mature personality, easiness to get on with, and adult conversation.  He has just celebrated his 30^th birthday, as she ponders blowing out 44 candles on the next birthday cake.  She has two children aged around 12 and 14 from a previous husband.

In fairness, she doesn’t look any older than her age, and if I’m pushed to kindness she could pass for a justified comment of not looking a day over 40.  Tick in the box for this.  I’ve only met her once, but she really is refreshing to talk to, she holds no arrogance or bitter attitude, and she is just a good, honest woman on the face it.  She has a good income and can stand on her own two feet.

She really does idolize him (although the validation of dating a much younger guy will be just as strong a motivation as the sound of her heart), and this was illustrated in 2013 when he went to Australia for six months work and told her, prior to departing, not to wait for him and just get on with her life.  She was adamant it could work, meeting him in Malaysia after a couple of months in hope the physical contact could bide some time.  She has recently suggested the two of them take a trip to Ozzie land in helping him reminisce, to which he has told me he couldn’t change the subject quick enough.  Knowing the answer, I asked him why.  As expected, he told me the last person he would want to be with is her when walking past inundated young cute chicks that seem to drop off trees down under.  More on this subject later…

During our lunch meeting, he had informed me she was at a crossroads in their relationship and was tired of living on bi-annual rental, proposing that they should buy a house together through shared mortgage.  He was so confused, saying it was way too soon to feel like ending it with her, but acknowledging he didn’t get excited about the prospect of being a committed family man.  Up until that point, he had little involvement with her kids, as he often said “they do their thing, I do mine.”  Whether true or not, I cannot ever recall knowing a man who has completely washed his hands with children belonging to his current female partner, even if he is not the biological father.  No matter how big or small, the involvement usually comes with some kind of price.

He asked for my honest advice based on what he had told me.  Unlike women (who should never be asked for relationship advice), men are far better at giving advice, because even though most men are not astute in understanding the way a female mind works and how it makes decisions in the emotional world, they (men) will usually base their words on honesty, objectivity, and no hidden agenda attached. 

Q-tip 1:

This is why a woman, and this even includes his own mother, is the last person a man should turn to for the path to choose in consideration to tribulations with a girlfriend, fiancé or wife.  A female mind is first and foremost designed to answer how it suits her own life, and secondary to how it impacts on you.  This is why young men will often be the biggest sufferers of broken hearts, because they rely on this biased but not always honest view received due to not being able to lean on their own experience to why things happen.  A broken heart is never welcome at 15, 25, 35, 45 or 55, but as each decade passes by, the pain becomes that less severe.  This is why it is prudent for any man to date, and not just sleep with, numerous women prior to ever deciding to settle down.

And I would like to think I back up everything I write.  It would have been easy for me to just tell him to ditch her because it won’t work, so that it opened up another single buddy for me to turn to if I desired a night out.  But people should always look themselves in the mirror when making decisions, knowing that your words have implications on others.  So in nothing more than honest words, I gave him one main pro and one main con in venturing on with her:

• The pro was based on how few women he will meet in the world with her level of personality traits.  Also, she will, with no guarantee, be loyal, faithful, and forever grateful to be with him.  Not many men, especially sought after men like him, would take on a woman 13 years older with two kids.  This will, or should, always give him the power edge on her within the relationship. 
• The con was based on, wait for it….the age gap in her being so much older.  Of course the age gap as a number is a factor, but the physical appearance differential is an even bigger concern.  He presently looks a dozen years younger than her, so unless he rapidly lets himself go and she makes efforts beyond mother time that slow down her physical ageing, this gap will only grow, and not decrease.  When he reaches 35, she will be looking near 50.  If they last to his 40^th, he may as well be looking at his mother.   

As no matter how much men, especially long term attached or married men, try to deny it, the male mind uncontrollably wanders to younger options.  For men who feel guilty about this, perhaps you should remind yourselves that this – men striving for female youth and beauty within feasibility grasp – is the gender equivalent of women grasping eagerly (even if non-verbally) for male status, wealth, and maximum providing facility.  Now who is the shallowest?

The two of them are still together.  My better judgement tells me he will enjoy today for today, and worry about tomorrow by tomorrow.  Not too bad a view I guess, as it’s all about the present when we never know the future.  I can’t tell him what I’d do, because I’d never have got to his position in the first place.

A final thought

If the age was reversed – hence a 30 year old woman with 43 year old man – it would still be a cause for concern in terms of longer term implications, but it is never as conspicuous as the woman being much older.  This is only because a younger woman finds the traits older men possess – maturity, wealth and status – attractive, even though it isn’t the number of his age she finds attractive per se.  In an ideal world, this man would be a similar age to her. 

The opposite applies when you switch the sexes.  Men place maximum emphasis on female beauty – something that is accustomed to younger women.  Again, in an ideal world this woman would be his own age, or only slightly younger.  Unfortunately, hardly ever is this the case.

  

You will often find women in their late 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s – usually women trying to hold onto their youth – who dismiss the possibility of women outside of gold-diggers ever going for much older men, and because it is very rare in the real world, they can justifiably hide behind these dismissals.  On the other hand, men who date much older women are usually the bottom 2% of male desirability quality out there.  My mate is a good catch in anyone’s objective eyes, and in total value terms he would creep into the top 10% of male calibre.  This is why a dynamic of this kind would leave someone distanced from the situation scratching their head. 

Q-tip 2:

For the more sensitive men out there (and contrary to female convenient belief, this actually reflects most men), it can be easy to feel sorry for a woman post 40 due to the tears often seen from her eyes or the tribulations she goes through in contrast to her happy go lucky female peer who is 20 years her junior.  If you are this man, the best lesson I can give you is as follows: 

In general terms of same aged gender counterparts between the ages of 16 (or younger if you want to be creepy) to the mid/late 30’s, women have a higher mate appeal – and therefore are more powerful in the relationship, and more prone to manipulate, demand, lie, cheat, aspire to upgrade, give up first, and jettison – than men.  All else equal, men then have a greater mate appeal from the mid/late 30’s to the mid/late 50’s.  From the mid/late 50’s onwards it pretty much evens itself out from an options perspective, despite what some wishful thinking men will tell you about dating women (women worth having) who are 30 years younger.  So in essence, both parties roughly have the same 20 year window of greater opportunity, power, and market value in their promotion to the opposite sex.  That seems a fair trade to me.  It’s only female selective speech, propaganda and weakness that allow a naïve man to believe women are always the victims and on the rough end of things.