Wednesday 1 September 2021

How Attraction Works: the missing key points


“The best investment you will ever make is the investment in yourself.”


A reader asks for my thoughts on this video link.  In a moment I will do such that.

A repulsive listening

Just yesterday I met up with a chap who used to go to my former gym.  As I don’t see him any more on a regular basis, we meet up for a coffee every few months.

The man I reference is a good deal older than me, in fact he is now retired and has two grown up children.  After the story he elaborated on about his son and the son’s adulterating psycho ex-wife, he then mentioned that his daughter had also been cheated on by her ex-husband.  Two out of two for infidelity statistics!

He went on to say that his daughter has a new partner who is a bit older than her.  Then came the repulsive words when he informed me that the new man in her life is so gratified to be with her, to the point where he regularly documents comments on social media illustrating how lucky he is to be with her and how he is boxing above his weight.  Puke!


No matter what the objective leverage is regarding the woman you are with (which will usually be her higher physical attractiveness), never let her consciously aware you believe this to be the case.  Instead, allow her to know how she is fortuitous to be with you, or at the very least how the relationship is mutual and equal blessed.  Once a woman gets a sniff that you are overly grateful to be with her, you consequently don’t receive the best out of her in return.

The video link

The problem with Youtubers who talk about emotional psychology – men and women alike (although the female members will usually inform men what they think they want, rather than what they do) – is that they select large parts in explanation that are accurate, but then the political corrective words and need to create the largest audience take over.  What this means is most of the time, like the guy in this video, they conveniently exclude many of the real reasons and truisms to the actual reality.

Attraction Explained

At 1:20 he uses a very good analogy on the car purchase scenario.  In real language, both men’s and women’s eyes are instinctively drawn to members of the opposite sex, but his version is rather generic that humans then, in reflection, choose for something that isn’t too flash but likewise something they aren’t disgusted by. 

What I’d like to have seen him spell out further is the difference between how men and women act with the item that catches their eye in the first instance.  For enhanced credibility and accuracy, he needed to explain how most men will pretty much always, with no commitment (but often having commitment) obstacles, hold predilections to take it further with a woman who arouses him the most to have sex with.  Very little else comes into play.  On the other hand, even if a woman cannot take her eyes off a man simultaneous to fantasizing in her mind what he does to her, the vast majority of women will not desire to take it any further than that with him.  In summary, a man will buy the car if he can afford it, whilst the woman will look at it but walk past and purchase something with lower maintenance.

The relationship between ATTRACTION and SEX

At 2:55 he uses a key phrase of – “While attraction is not a choice, acting on it is.”  No truer words will ever be said.  He then goes on to add, very well it should be said, how attraction (or a lack of attraction he alludes to with respect to the dinner date) and sex are linked.

He states that attraction and sex are situational driven.  True again.  What he could have detailed were more scenarios where a woman will have sex with a man based on her differing emotions.  I’ll do it for him:

1)    Good sex based on uncontrollable and natural sexual arousal

2)    Social proof

3)    To feel loved, attractive, and better about herself (even if she isn’t totally aroused by the man she has sex with)

4)    Desperation and to not feel lonely or be alone (whether immediate or longer term)

5)    False female projection – where a woman is fully into him and believes that having sex with him on the first night will lead him to want to be with her as boyfriend

6)    To show off to her friends, and attempts to prove she is a great catch and men can’t resist her (kind of an amalgamation between 2 and 3)

7)    Mutual needs – ranging from friends with benefits (and non-commitment) no strings sex, to very little physical attraction but for validation and companionship

At 5:55 he talks about sex without attraction.  He pertinently mentions prostitution, gold digger dynamics and arranged marriages in terms of when it can happen.  I would also subscribe to say that many women will have sex with men for the purposes of 2), 3), 4) and 6), although I will concede that this is more likely when she has little to moderate sexual attraction towards said man, rather than none at all.  In other words, this will explain why so many cute and hot women are with mediocre looking boyfriends.  She isn’t disgusted by him, and there is just about enough sexual attraction alongside the other mitigating factors she benefits from.

Value & Attraction / Evolutionary Attraction

At 6:35 he ventures onto value and attraction.  I particularly like the stage at 7:30 where he dissects how evolution, or effectively varying generations, impact on how value and attraction entwine.  At 8:20 he demonstrates how the jerky boy, no prospects, lower class tattooed guy can have far more sexual activity than the professional man who has all the provisioning infrastructure in place.

Once more, this topic needs a lot more divulgence. 

·       For starters, the woman in this case may pick either man based on female age at the time.  Needless to say, women younger than 23 years of age are far more likely to pick Biker Boy than women post 23. 

·       Another obvious variable is a woman’s physical attractiveness.  Irrespective of age, men with high social proof/popularity desirability (even if only average looking men) are more likely to be seen with cute and hot women in comparison to less physically alluring women who will scout for the dependable nice guy.

·       Finally, female social class as pointed out in this previous post plays a huge part too.  All else equal, a woman from a lower social class will screen for the jerk, whilst a woman from a higher social class will exert greater efforts to be with the professional man.

A final thought

He could have also, with the guts to not be politically correct and worry about upsetting anyone, gone further into female situational attraction.  As a non-exhaustive brainstorming exercise myself - female age, options with men, the number of female (or male lapdog) friends implication on her social options, her physical beauty level, her place of residence (is it highly populated with lots going on, or just small town/village with limited event pastimes?), or innate character build up (is she a homely girl who likes a solid boyfriend, or more of a girl’s girl who likes to party?) all play a part on a woman’s ultimate choice in men, and how her visceral attraction may or may not be acted upon.

A few words by him – something that was alluded by me above and has never been more applicable in recent decades than the last eighteen months – is how the pandemic and social restrictions have hugely connected women’s choice over attraction.  With fewer social options, women are far more inclined (and forced upon) to go for boyfriend time than fun time with edgier men.

A final, final thought

The big missing piece to this jigsaw is based around how the modern-day social pressures on women to look good have compounded, in addition to media/social media exposure showing vast numbers of other women looking far more glamorous than they naturally are.  This manifests to create far more doubts in a woman’s mind in relation to her overall value to the world, which will often mean she doesn’t go for the best man she can secure.  What she will do instead, in order to mitigate this predicament, is look for a man who makes her feel better about herself.



  1. I commented YouTube link.thanks for response . But what he meant was that these are your evolutionary trigger you can work on them .the points you mentioned are not in our control

    1. I would argue most aspects of life are within our control, within plausible reason of course (bit like an ugly man isn't going to score a hot woman without millions of dollars in his pocket, so to speak). I do agree that a lot of our innate character and blessings can only be taken and changed so far, but it all goes in line with how much we work on them.

      For example, if people only acted on their self innate and instinctive feelings/emotions/character, women wouldn't go for men they aren't (or are very little) physically attracted to who have very little non-physical blessings too. What happens with women is their egos play a big part in their decision making over time.

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  3. what are your thoughts on tinder social media etc. ? I, think most of the hookups and relationships still come from mutual friends ,acquaintance, social circle and how many women out of 100 , at any given time frame are promiscuous ?

    1. Like most dating websites, there are 4 categories of people on there in terms of their motivations:
      1) Desperate (and generally unattractive) women looking for love and companionship.
      2) Older (and fewer younger) and lonely men who are also genuinely looking for a potential girlfriend/wife and LTR.
      3) Reasonably attractive (and a tiny minority of very attractive) women who are mainly on there for the feel good ego protocol in receiving messages and attention from men.
      4) Men who are just looking to secure as much short term sex with as many women as possible. Usually there standards in women's beauty is low.

      As far as Tinder differentiates from the more conventional dating websites, I would say there is a slightly higher percentage of women on there just looking for short term flings/hook ups. Nevertheless, it has to be stressed that this is still a tiny minority, and the vast majority of women on Tinder are just attention whores and teasers with little interest to meet up with men.

      Your thoughts are exactly the same as mine in so far as most relationships being the product of mutual friends, acquaintances etc.

      With regards to hookups, well first of all I'd say that longer term relationships that started as hookups represent <10% of all relationships. Second, yes I'd agree that a large share were still based on knowing each other beforehand (again, whether through social or work circles). I guess it boils down in essence to women being the choosers of sex or not. And fundamentally women are more find men more appealing, all else equal, who are within a social network that their female friends know of - as this creates more drama, chatter, potential boyfriend poaching dynamic, attention-seeking, and social media exploitation motivators.

    2. I almost missed your last question...
      Out of 100, I'd say promiscuous women are still very rare. No more than 1 in 10 for me. Of course this does depend a lot on a woman's physical attractiveness level. In general terms, the hotter she is, the less sexually loose she will be.

      Another factor to consider is whether she is going through a phase when she wants a bit of drama and attention in her life. If this is the case, there is more chance of her being promiscuous. In other words, the need for drama and validation far outweighs the need for sex (unless it is a rare man she is uncontrollably turned on and aroused by).

      Even most hot women will have had a one night stand or, more likely, a short term no strings hook up. It just isn't something most women will do on a consistent basis. Women aren't totally stupid, and most still know that a low notch count gives them the best opportunity for a high calibre man to commit to her.