Wednesday 27 August 2014

Bad to nice, nice to bad, bad to bad, nice to nice: the successful process to keep women interested

“A bad man seen through favourable eyes can perform a thousand acts of wrong doing, but in turn he will never be punished for his misdemeanours.  A good man who lives outside of this glass house can implement a thousand corrective moves, but his first wrong maneuver has no leeway for reasoning or context, and it ends in the jettison of what was perceived as true love.”

We’ve all heard the phrase - “treat them mean to keep them keen.”  It’s not a phrase I hear as much now compared to my early days of dating.  Maybe it has been replaced with one of similar meaning, or perhaps some women have denied it so much that it has forced men to transform in never saying it, but in the world of sexual attraction it is no less true than when I first heard it all those many years ago. If anything, this phrase has never been more accurate.

Most men out there, despite the protestations of women seeking out sympathy votes for their luckless choices in the male species, are nice guys who have beta traits in their innate personality.  Some people change on a wholesale basis, but the vast majority will always stay the same way inclined. We never truly know a person without spending every minute of the day with them, but you only need to look around the office or in any workplace and it becomes apparent that the majority of men are good natured, with integrity and loyalty installed into them.  It’s only a minority who choose to cheat on their wives or girlfriends, or generally treat them with a lack of respect.  A woman’s nature is to bad mouth this kind of man but in actual fact to be attracted to him.  This change up of emotions from saying to acting is a catalyst erupted from her lack of attraction to a high number of nice guys who are just too unchallenging.  Easily put, the minority of men who do not actually treat women the appropriate way are far more appealing than the majority of men who carry out the appropriate actions – the appropriate actions in theory, at least.

So if most men are genuinely nice people, yet the phrase has always been referred to for generations, why does this not marry up and why do more men not act this way in order to be more successful with the opposite sex?  Well, most men understandably believe that this is only a statement used by a few despicable men that cannot be bothered to endeavour and invest in women in the accepted way.  They also persist in believing only females with low self-esteem search out these men.   For every woman who is crying in the corner in wondering why she has such bad luck with men and that this is a coincidence, there are at least half a dozen nice guys with beta habits listening to her with na├»ve and sympathetic ears. They have been sucked into being convinced she does desire a man to treat her well all the time, that this is sheer misfortune on her part, and that she doesn’t deliberately search out the bad boys of the world. Who can blame a young, honest, good intentional, sexually aroused and gullible man for being convinced of her innocence?  His lack of experience and naivety collaborate in enforcing him to be this way, and to consequently live in hope that one day he will be the prince to rescue this broken hearted princess.

A man in any walk of life cannot put a price on experience and variety.  In his interactions and relationships with women, only past experiences allow him to evaluate the bigger picture in drawing on the reasons as to why this phrase is often true.  Most importantly he must do something about it instead of wasting valuable time in thinking it will suddenly change.  As much as women say they need a nice guy to treat them right all the time, and a small selection do, there are more that need the fire to keep burning and for drama to be created in order to prove there is a purpose in their lives.  Never forget to watch her actions before listening to the words she speaks out. So often the two will be a million miles apart.

Does all this mean a man should intentionally act like a total jerk with a woman from the first day until the last in order to keep her?  The easy answer is: no, this is absolutely not the case.  I’ve always been an advocate in the belief that an unapologetic bad boy has a limited shelf life in success with women.  It’s just that in the early days of her single status she is drawn towards these men ahead of a man who puts everything on a plate for her.

The following four processes show the differing emotions a woman will go through in accordance with how a man conducts himself:

Nice to Nice

This process is when a woman is aware of a man being a nice guy from the start, and he continues through the relationship in the exact same way in placing her on a pedestal, idolizing her, and basically being unchallenging.

A woman will usually take on a guy like this when she has made a conscious decision that she deserves a period in her life when she is in control of the relationship, therefore she will be pampered and treated and she feels emotionally secure.  They are often younger women after a series of dating bad boys.  However, many are grown adults too.  The short term is fine in this dynamic because he is everything she expected.  Nevertheless, in the nature of a woman’s mind, and unless settling down, marriage and having children are her absolute number one priority, the great things he does for her over time become the expected rather than the excitement and the unpredictable.

Success rate:  2/10

As previously stated, the man’s only chance in this scenario is to hope she does genuinely and honestly view him as the type of male she needs for a future.  Even with this view, a bond with a lack of chemistry and challenge will always have vulnerabilities, and if she is better looking than him it will not be long before she seeks out pastures new.  Even if logic would suggest this deliverable would reap the most success and happiness for both parties, the reality is this process is the worst of all for a man to bring to the table.  It epitomizes the maximum effort for minimum reward syndrome – something every man should ensure to avoid with women.

Bad to Bad

A situation where a woman seeks out a man who is edgy, mysterious, popular, and with a womanizing reputation, is typical in young, attention-seeking and insecure females.   Again, this isn’t only isolated to this criteria, but women do tend to gradually move away from this hunting strategy as they get older, even if the urge never actually leaves them.  Simply put, they rationalize in their choices of a future partner as they get older, because it is much harder to a more valuable commodity to settle down.

When a man commences in moonlighting within his “bad ways” and consequently carries on in this manner, he is basically investing little to gain a lot.  It is a no strings attached attitude on his part even if she believes she can be the coveted girlfriend.  This is what attracts her towards him.  It’s a perfect scenario for men who are in a phase of their life when they only want to increase their sexual belt notches and are confident they will not become emotionally involved.  You would think a reputation like this would deter women, but in the beauty of the illogical attraction world this couldn’t be further from the truth.  The more a man acts in this way, the more honeys are attracted to the bee.

Success rate: 10/10 short term, 4/10 longer term.

For the short term, hence a summer holiday season, this strategy is nothing short of magical.  What guy wouldn’t desire numbers of attractive women magnetized towards him with very little time, effort or money required on his part?  However, this isn’t really a longer term solution.  Eventually he will meet someone who grabs his heart and someone who will not stand for his extreme bad boy antics, and if these accustomed traits have been his only weapon in life, he will struggle to adapt.  Older women with children will also be resistant to this kind of process, as despite obvious compulsions, the risk will outweigh the reward.

Bad to Nice

Unusual, but far from uncommon, this predicament involves a women’s initial attraction towards a man being through her perception of his ‘bad boy’ ways, but it then takes a twist she never saw coming.

 It is rare for woman to never have a time in her life when she hasn’t been attracted to the popular bad boy of the town. Sure, she has seen other attractive girls come and go but there is still something unanswerable in her mind that draws her towards his arms.  She tries to resist her visceral feelings but the chemistry is too strong.  She likes him for his natural confidence, charisma and challenge of being an alpha male that captures her heart.

Something strange then occurs in this time frame.  She is the first woman who has grabbed him by the gut, on physical, mental and emotional fronts, and his heart races like it has never done before.  Remember her attraction towards him was a combination of his edginess, his challenge to her, his carefree and independent attitude, and her desire to be the chosen one over those who failed before her.  The theory is that women do not want a nice guy, but in fact a bad boy to become nicer - so this surely is a recipe for success right.  Well, if he becomes a little nicer and adjusts in increments, then this is absolutely the case. However, many guys in this bubble get carried away in the feelings, and they act beta in always needing to see her, relinquish too much emotional power, and they succeed in only becoming supplicated.  He performs a 180 degree turn in a matter of weeks, and she jettisons from the relationship.

Success rate: 9/10 to 6/10.

A man’s success rate is down to how he modifies his changing emotions.  If he remains in alpha dominated fashion, but throws in the occasional beta move, then success is his.  If he turns into a beta habited former alpha male then all he achieves in doing is to join the pack of unoriginal men that these women dismiss.  Consequently, she moves on and forgets the bad boy who she was once infatuated with.

Nice to Bad

It is a wide belief a woman’s ideal man is a bad boy who can become nicer once in her possession.  However, very few women intentionally go out of their way to capture a notorious bad boy.  They subsequently do this because of their conscious knowledge of the lack of infatuation and chemistry with all those beta males chasing after her. So she chases someone who doesn’t chase her, as this is the way the world of sexual attraction works.

Nevertheless, there will always be a time when a woman consciously makes a decision to date a nice guy, as she will believe it will work despite the shortage of instinctive attraction she has towards him. The main reason it does not work is because this beta male continues in the same way she found him - acting beta orientated.  He becomes even less of a challenge, she starts to be irritated by his over loving yet desperate and possessive ways, and whilst he is looking for engagement rings, in the same moment she is writing a goodbye text.

Now, what happens if this perceived nice guy is in fact not so unchallenging, agreeable and as much of a ‘lap dog’ as she first thought?  What if he stands up to her when required, he keeps his own life and interests going, and he doesn’t make her a total priority to his existence?  In the same breath, he still maintains the fundamental, genuine and honest characteristics she knew and liked all along.  A woman’s mind and emotions need to be analyzed like someone who works their muscles.  They must always avoid the plateau - they must always keep it guessing to gain improvements.  If a woman knows she is with a good guy, but equally she is aware she cannot take his time, persona or good will for granted, she has the best of both worlds. There is the refrained boredom of a constant nice guy without the draining long term fatigue that the bad boy gives her.  The balance is finally struck.

Success rate: 9/10.

If a man can find this blend then it is rare he can fail.  Almost every woman wants a good and genuine guy - it is just that if she perceives him to be an easy ride she will take him to the cleaners in her expectation brain.  If he starts as the great person she believes he is, but he shows her his strength of inner mind, a long term in this process is there for all parties.

There was a recent meeting I was involved in where the director of the company was present.  He mentioned the fact that he always takes preference to a manager who is a nice guy and mediocre at his job, in favour of an arrogant person who is efficient in his duties.  I took his point on board, and I see where he is coming from in this context.  In the long run, there will be reaped rewards from a team striving in his direction as they go the extra yard in return of his accommodating approach.  With a despicable personality, the team is more likely to have their own agendas and not work as hard to achieve the necessary results.

It was no coincidence that the room was full of male colleagues in the meeting mentioned.  These men, and men in general, would take on board these words from a higher status man and form the belief that this is the strategy to proceed with in order to acquire the most success in all walks of life.  The problem with this fallacy is that it rarely applies with the way women view a man who is too pleasant and accommodating within the relationship they share.  Women need a level of drama, intensity, unpredictability and edginess from man to avoid falling into the mundane trench of life.  Women may say all they need is peace and happiness within their relationship, but for every one who has spoken these words is a female who had withdrawn from the partnership with a man dressed in a beta uniform.

Nobody feels more sympathy for all these nice guys out there than I do.  All they ever wanted is to be happy, and even more decisive to them, all they craved for was for their girlfriends to have a smile on their faces.  Maybe there falls the point – a guy set in this mentality is too busy trying to make her happy before being happy himself.  

Somebody once told me that people who strive to make others happy over their own intentions, and people who care too much, only end up being unhappy. This person telling me these words was my Mother, words spoken on the day I had to have the lymph node removed to enable the biopsy to confirm the severity of my cancer level.  I remember thinking at the time that I had wasted so much time, energy and expenditure with work colleagues, past girlfriends and some friends, only to be basically thought of in no more favourable terms.  It is not so much the case to be a completely selfish, arrogant and inconsiderate person, as much as prioritizing your own happiness before others.  Happiness is contagious, and most people will be attracted and radiated to a person with pride and comfort in their own skin.  Reaching this happy demeanour is not so facilitating, and usually someone must accept their historic deficiencies and weaknesses before they can see the light to a brighter day.  Maybe you need to know where you have been, before you know where you are going.     


  1. I believe most men, I'd agree with the 80% number thrown around, are very average to below average in looks, status, etc... These men are nice guys be default because they hold no real sway over women and feel lucky to get even just 1 girl. So of course these guys won't cheat-they don't really even have the option. The high status man will often have many options well into his older years if he keeps himself up. For these men, the temptations for a wide variety of women will keep them from long term relationships since even the best of those still lock you down. Even the best sex and passion in the early stages of an LTR dies down over the years, its inevitable human nature. Bill Maher said it well in a routine that it's not about blond vs brunette, big tits vs small's just old vs new. Your thoughts?

    1. I agree on the whole with what you say, although I'd elaborate a little on your comment about the "high status" man. That is because a high status man (i.e - managing director of a company) could still be ugly to average looking (not that these lesser looks should hold him back), he could be too nice and passive with women, he could lack social and inner confidence, and he could have no idea about the way of the world in terms of how the sexual market works. If this was the case, and I know men of this kind, then the high status per se he attains wouldn't bring the beneficial results with women that his profile caters for.

      But you are right, men who use status accordingly are in the best position for female projected eyes onto them. You only have to look at how nightclub owners/promoters, DJ's or workplace senior management/directors can draw women in on a sexual front. They may not find these men as instinctively attractive in comparison to a very good looking man, but I can assure you that over time male status trumps male looks on almost any given occasion.

      As for your final thought about relationship boredom, the only things that keeps men and women together in the modern world are a lack of other options with the opposite sex, financial implications, and child considerations. Even the power of love, a love never experienced with another before, can only take couples so far.

      As for Maher's thought, it is spot on. Remember when we are at school - pre sex life - and we cannot stop thinking about one particular girl that gives us an instant teenage boner. After a few days masturbating over her (unfortunately metaphorically), it doesn't take long for this mental and physical arousal to turn to another girl. In reality, we don't actually change that much in adult life...

    2. Very valid observation on what makes a high status man. I know many that I would consider higher status but they have no confidence to exude that appeal to women. Terrific posts! Keep 'em coming