“Don’t be afraid of change, but ensure you stay true to yourself.”
Zachariah asks for my thoughts on the back of this previous post. Bear in mind this is only the second half of his comment:
I’m guarding against bitterness because while I
know no one who is born is entitled to reciprocation from the opposite gender,
it is tough to be categorized as “not worth pursuing”. I have strong ties to my
family, solid values with loyalty at the forefront of it, and I’m rejected at
the initial interaction because of my appearance or assumptions women make
about me. I’m socially calibrated and have had zero issue making male friends
You’ve said to take it as a backhanded compliment, and I agree. I’m doing that for sure. But I wonder if you have any advice on how to navigate it now that COVID has changed the landscape of dating? I can’t say for certain, but it feels like women are far more wary of me and you’ve detailed that nicely here. Like even at bars the vibe is way different than it was prior to March 2020 where women are not flirty or seemingly open to anything. I wonder if you’ve noticed that as well. I’m considering online dating more as I don’t know another way at the moment.
There are two main topics to cover embedded in your question, and I’ll try and offer a main solution/delivery advice to both.
Your high value intimidating most women
I feel like little more needs to be said in reference to this issue, because so many posts and so many explanations have been subscribed to in this blog to explain the reasoning behind it. Also, based on your comment it is clear you are pretty much fully comprehendible to why you are encountering constant rejection.
With that said and based on a synopsis, your high value (which doesn’t include extreme fame, social status or wealth in order to mitigate or eradicate your predicament) – good looks, impressive physique, social savviness, top 1% earnings, solid personality, family values etc – simply places you in a position where over 95% (and most likely nearer 99%) of women don’t (without them verbally admitting this) feel good enough for you, and they are in turn intimidated by you. Add on the fact that your presence most likely rubs them up the wrong way (hence prickles their egos and self-value negatively), and their receptiveness of your existence is rarely a positive one.
What can you do about this? I offer some suggestions:
· Find a way to move into these women’s (women you see as girlfriend material, or just want to bang if that’s your objective) social gatherings. I fully concur that this is becoming all the more difficult, as will be explored further down, but what this achieves is an opening (pardon the pun!) for these women to see that there is more to your overall offerings than just being a handsome man. It is so much easier for a cute or hot woman to be receptive and sexually forthcoming to a hot man’s advances when she knows him personally. This goes a long way to explaining why younger good-looking men (aged 18 to 23) are more prominent to be seen with same or similar aged comparative looking women than equivalent looking men (allowing for the maturity of his looks, which is usually better looking than his younger self of that age range) of 25 or older.
· If the above is not feasible, continue to approach women in a humble and pleasant manner. Don’t be too nice though. Some women will still abstain from any social engagement with you, but a good deal will at least acknowledge you and have a chat (even if they have no intention to take things further with you). First, approaching women becomes second nature the more you do it, irrespective of the outcome. Second, it grows your confidence to consistently engage with women, once more irrespective of the outcome. Third, the woman showing interest in you will hardly ever approach you, therefore the worst that can happen is she will say no.
· Screen for women on a similar social class standing to you. Even if she is as or more physically attractive than you, if a woman immediately thinks you are significantly more intelligent, educated, and smart than her, the lion’s share of these women will not move on with you due to feeling inferior. This is why most hot women (based on a high percentage of hot women not attaining much between the ears) are with the dense, jerky kind of man who is on a similar intellect and social class level to her.
· Only hit on women more physically attractive than you. This is an incredibly low percentage play if you are a top end good-looking man, but at least most of these women won’t have their noses put out of joint when they see you. A rare 9/10 woman will actually enjoy seeing an 8.5/10 man, even if she still prefers to date a 7.5/10 man in actuality.
· Finally, whilst I strongly suggest you do not do this, putting on a quite a bit of weight – which will both make your body and face look less aesthetically pleasing – will reduce the amount of women auto-rejecting you by a significant percentage. The likelihood is you will go from a hot guy to merely above average (say, 7/10 to 7.75/10) in this respect. Reading between the lines, this is where you were placed before you sharpened up your build? I’m a firm believer that you should, in majority cases, do what makes you happy over and above trying to please a woman (ironically, many women prefer this approach anyway, contrary to them telling you the opposite), however it would be wrong of me to ignore the reality that this change in your physical appearance will open a greater number of opportunities in this respect.
What has COVID changed in the dating landscape?
First, we need to take a step back to the good old days before COVID-19 entered our lives. The reason this must be emphasised is, whilst COVID/social distancing/lockdowns/social restrictions have compounded what is to be elaborated on, I noticed a growing trend of this occurrence nearly ten years ago. This only grew year on year based on my observations.
In essence, it became pronounced that women, even in established cities (hence not just “clicky” small towns or villages) started to become obsessed with their small social networks. I’m not talking about having a thousand Facebook friends, as anyone can achieve this if they put the pitiful time in to try and be popular, but more to do with the apparent good feeling it was to have an identity within a small group of friends.
Usually, this small social group would include men too. I expect, having never been part of one of these groups, that a good deal of these men were just platonic blue balls guys who stood no chance of getting laid with the same grouped women, but some of these men on the other hand would have been receiving sexual joy.
I put this down to the social media platform emergence that picked up true pace in the UK around 2007. At first it most likely didn’t have much impact, but as each year passed, women (and a portion of men too in a different motivational way) became obsessed with their popularity, social proof standing, and good time girl exposure. This is all fed by drama, and if you throw a few men into the social pool, and consequently create a few events where some of the women got it on with some of the men, then a fabrication of their own little soap opera or reality TV show within their own little life was the end result. Sad, but true.
This phenomenon made it harder, to an extent, for men like me (and probably you too). As someone who has never really enjoyed the company of women when they are in groups (as I feel I only get the true woman when she is on her own with me), the main way I have met women post University days is through pure and simple social interaction, cold approach, or coincidentally bumping into someone. If increased women have strayed towards dating men within their small social networks – whether that be via mixed-sexed friendship groups, work, friend of a friend, or family links – it manifests in a narrower and shallower pond for me to fish in, so to speak.
As for your point on this subject about COVID, it’s associated vibes, and women seemingly being less flirty and open (once more, pardon the pun!), you are most definitely not imagining things. My nights out of any kind in the last eighteen months to two years have been minimal at best, but my conclusion is it doesn’t take more than your own two eyes and ears to realize COVID has compounded what was already growing at a rapid rate.
So yes, COVID has just given women further reason to interact with and date men they only know on a personal degree, and to be less receptive to men they do not know. By no mean coincidence, a high percentage of low to mediocre sought-after men belong to the former group, and a decent percentage of high sought-after men consist in the latter.
As social media popularity and usership has grown, people’s social skills and confidence to interact with people they don’t know personally has diminished. This has led to women, and men to a lesser extent, to seek for comfort in small groups of people they know on close ties. COVID-19 and it’s associated by-products, whilst escalating this tendency, has only given people a further excuse, comfort, and justification to continue in what they were already socially conducting.
Any good news?
No matter how negative a situation appears to be in life, I always like to view it as a battery that in each case there is a positive at the other end. As explained in the post you commented on, a lot of these men will now frustrate their girlfriends due the more time they have spent together. This may give opportunities to men like you if you’re in the right place at the right time.
Online dating as a way out….
I feel for you in terms of believing there is no other way, but I can equally relate to what you are saying. Forgive me for not recalling your age (if you did ever subscribe to it in the first place?), but just be aware, if you have not been on a dating website before, that most women are post 30 in age. I’d even say 35 and over, based on my memory many years ago.
Once more from my limited online dating experience, I would possibly find one woman in every hundred who I found physically attractive based on the pictures. Even then, there was no guarantee that it wasn’t a fake photograph or from considerable younger years. Nevertheless, the long and the short of it is, unless the calibre of women on American dating websites is significantly better than the United Kingdom equivalents, do not expect to see hoards of women on there you would like to bang.
It’s probably worth a stab though, just to at least tick off that box as tried. If so, base your immediate message engagement as you would do in real life – situational opener (something based on her unique look or photo activity) mixed with a small degree of flirty language, but not too dirty, predictable, or words that are just going to give a woman an ego boost of attention thrill. Even on online dating websites, a substantial proportion of women will have a greater motivation for attention over genuinely trying to find love.
Good luck mate.
Thanks so much. This is really insightful. I know you can’t assess my social aptitude. For all you know I could be awkward in a way that I’m not capable of understanding. But I offered the assumption that I’m not because I feel I’m extremely self-aware and outside of women like ~18-40 in age I get reassurances on all of those positive aspects to my personality. In large part this is why your blog appealed to me. You explained gaps in behavior I couldn’t understand at the time. People around me who reassured me that I'm hilarious and a great catch could not either, and I came to realize that 99.9% of men couldn’t understand because they didn’t experience anything close to what I have. The women just didn’t care to be that honest because you know well that women say what is socially congruous.ReplyDelete
I’ve been heading to the same conclusion about social circles because I found a lack of success with both being direct (women aren’t comfortable enough yet) and indirect (as you know they’re not rude, but they shy away from you and essentially fend off opportunities to talk). I came to the conclusion they may only engage me if I’m in their circle. I had this happen with one girl last year who seemed shocked that I’m a good guy. Unfortunately, I’m not interested in her in the slightest that way although I find her pleasant company. So I know that I need to facilitate a larger social circle to see any sort of success. It’s something I’m working towards this next year.
What you said about this starting nearly a decade ago with small social networks is enlightening. I hadn’t thought of it that way perhaps because I’m not active on social media but it does follow that this did happen. I saw this somewhat with my group of friends and didn’t think of it consciously. Like you said, I don’t particularly love the company of women in groups but I also don’t get the opportunities to make friends with as many women as other men do. You’ve undoubtedly experienced this. Women don’t see you as a friend so they never seek you out for it. At a certain point you’d have to declare you’re not a misogynist and hold up proof of the few close female friends you have because it’s surprising why you don’t connect with more. That is just another factor that limits my opportunities to meet more women.
Lol I appreciate your acknowledgement that putting on weight would help. 100% it would. I still remember how direct women were when I looked worse than I do now. However I believe I’m in the same frame of mind that you are…I’d rather die alone than be a lesser version of myself. This is especially true after being very overweight for a few years. I just never want to do that to myself again.
You’re right about online dating from what I’ve heard. I don’t expect much from it, but I guess I’m at the point where what else can I do. The ratio is unfavorable for men and I don’t expect high quality women, but it does seem nowadays it feels harder to get by with no dating profile at all. What do I have to lose at this rate!? Oh and to answer your question I’m 29. I’ll be 30 soon. If most of the women are older I’m not too interested. Unless we’re clear I won’t take them seriously and they’re ok with that.
Thanks again, Vi Nay! You’ve given me a lot to think about and confirmed the direction my thought process was going in. I have a way forward, even if it’s grim at the moment :D
Glad I can be of help Zac, and it seems to me like you are probably asking the same questions and scratching your head (until you found this blog) like I was just under ten years ago.Delete
You're a few years younger than me, but I remember that my physical peak and looks started around 28 to 29. Through hard work, healthy lifestyle and sacrifices I would like to still think I'm at the same pinnacle, at the very least, as I was at that younger age. There are even a select few men who can take that peak into their late 30's and into their 40's too. So you have a long time to appreciate your looks, in a humble way of course.
What a golden comment you make on "I'd rather die alone than be a lesser version of myself." Great mindset.
Don't give up mate. This isn't going to easy as I know from experience, especially in the world we live in today as explained beforehand, however there will be a small minority of women who would want to be in a relationship with you.
Screen hard and wise for them. They won't fall off trees, but they are out there. It seems to me like you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea like, once more, I fully relate to. You're too physically attractive for (most) women to feel comfortable with you, but you don't possess the high fame, social status or wealth to mitigate (or eradicate) their resistance. You don't see professional handsome sports stars short of a hot woman or two, as a case in point!
Mate, every day you wake up is a day you have to take an opportunity. Sure, those days may be few and far between, but hope is what we live for (even if as men we need that hope to be in check with reality). There's almost always a brighter day, and you are at the age where it's not even close to being too late.
I appreciate the dose of optimism, and it’s helpful that you’ve been where I am. I do feel like I'm entering my prime. I’m a bit too fixated on my struggles at the moment because I’ve been through traumatic shit in my past and unfortunately I’m now lacking the experience I would have liked to have had. It makes me feel isolated, but I know I have to plunge forward like everyone else and I’m taking note not to catastrophize my past. You personally went through cancer, so you’re aware of what it’s like when the universe throws you something life-altering at too young of an age.Delete
You’ve helped me contextualize a great deal of this. It's been a trying time for me since I hit a threshold in my self-improvement. That has only been made more confusing by the social climate of the pandemic. At any rate, it’s interesting to talk about how all of what has happened affects the psychology of gender dynamics.
I don’t know when it will be, but I believe you’re correct that all things must cycle their way around. Maybe it’s my imagination, but I’ve noticed more desperate expressions towards me from taken women recently lol. Either way, thanks for being a mentor to me on this. I’ve needed it and I’ll keep revisiting your words of advice!
Sorry to hear about your past mate, whatever has caused this distress and pain. If you feel sending a direct message will help then by all means feel free. It definitely helps when an older man (but not that much older!) can offer guidance and context. This is something I never had in life growing up, and only something that came along via the isolated manosphere blogs just a decade ago.Delete
You've got loads of time based on what I explained above. It's always important to remember too that, no matter how magical being happy with a woman is, this happiness usually has a shelf life and causes a lot of stress along the way.
So just bear in mind that even if you were never to have another experience with a woman as long as you live (which won't happen, I'm just being hypothetical), there will be a lot of things you did in your life or had in your life that were a result of this absence. It's not the be all and end all...
Yeah I've been working through the deeper issues from my adolescence into my 20s through a new therapist. It has made a difference so far, much more than I expected. Developing my external attributes came easier to me than this has. As always, your perspective is refreshing. I can't thank you enough, man. All the best!Delete
Pleasure bro, fingers crossed for you.Delete
I decided to Google it and found this: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/02654075211011527ReplyDelete
Haha it's just a psychology study and not without its limitations I'm sure, but it's an interesting read. Anecdotally, my brother reached out to his ex. Just another statistic XD
I've just skimmed through it mate.Delete
By and large it makes sense, as you would expect, however I just feel that reports/studies like this just give too much scientific blabber without actually giving (many) real life/easy language reasons to why such circumstances exist.
I like the bit about how the pandemic has made a lot of people reach out to their exes, even if it was a failed and lousy relationship pre COVID-19. I think in layman terms this interprets as 'settling'. And I don't think I need to elaborate on this when it derives to female choices in men lol!
Agreed. There is a lot of nonsense in these studies, but it is fun to pick out a few relevant observations. Haha and yeah we certainly don't need a study to discern women's rationale behind 'settling'Delete