Friday 21 January 2022

Male maturity versus male conformity


“The silent voices should be heard from those who choose to silence them.”


Shortly after I joined a new company, I recall a woman aged in her thirties making a comment regarding the fact that I had ever settled down.  We were roughly the same age, yet whilst I had never been married, she was over a decade in marriage with three young children.

It’s kind of ironic, as on my first day I heard her talking to another man in the office as she bad mouthed her husband with regards to the lack of time he spends looking after the kids and the farmhouse they lived in.  The other man in the office defended him in the way of explaining the vast amounts of hours her husband spends maintaining the day-to-day farm premise operations, to which she kind of didn’t agree or disagree.

Her criticism to me – about a week into my role – was in reference to how someone couldn’t have settled down once they reach their thirties.  I could have given her a chapter and verse explanation that the dynamics between a city upbringing compared to a countryside childhood – and the by-product romantic options and perhaps social acceptance differentials that exist within each - is like night and day, however I just gave her the following comments that consisted of humour (although still in a logical verbalisation) and honesty respectively:

“Why buy the cow when you can get milk for free?”

“I guess it’s been a case of right girl wrong time, then right time but wrong girl.”

She agreed with the second comment, but in the three years I worked there I lost count of how many times she slagged off her husband, and how many times she looked frustrated and bitter with life.  There were at least three men in the office I believe she would have dropped her pants for given such an opportunity.  She was constantly trying to arrange work nights outs – without partners being invited.  I actually felt a bit sorry for her, because she painted the picture of the perennial woman who simply settled down too young and too soon, and then faced the negative consequences of this lifestyle choice down the line.  I would expect any honest person reading right now will know of at least one woman and/or man who represents such a story.

Female hypocrisy of male immaturity

If you entered into any conversation of such kind with a woman, it is a strong likelihood that she would place a man who hasn’t settled down by a certain age as a man who is immature.  In reality and honesty, what she is really saying is that he isn’t playing by the role (and societal unofficial rules) of male conformity.  She uses immaturity as a way to condemn men who aren’t being conformant. 

I offer you two scenarios that symbolize how male maturity and male conformity are distinguished:

·       Liam is a 35 old man who has never been married and has never been a father.  It wasn’t necessarily a conscious choice at first, but over time he has infiltrated enough information in his mind that marriage and fatherhood is not the be all and end all in life.  He has seen, via his friends who have taken the husband and father route, that this lifestyle offers both pros and cons.  Some of the cons are severe and unforgiving.  Liam has a good job, he has plenty of money in the bank and associated assets owned, he has a grown-up personality, he has excellent social skills and confidence, he owns his own property and car, and he looks after himself generally.  He is a very polite and respectful man, and always calm under pressure. 

·       Jacob is a 22-year-old man who impregnated a same aged woman a few years ago.  As a ramification, he has a two-year-old young boy.  He also has a new-born baby via his current girlfriend.  They have plans to get married soon.  Jacob earns little more than the minimum wage, he lives by a pay cheque to pay cheque monthly process, and he appears to switch between living with his parents ands low rent accommodation.  He doesn’t own a driving licence.  In truth, Jacob is somewhat socially inept, with a lack of potential or intelligence to suit.  On any drunken (or sometimes even sober) event, you always feel Jacob is never far away from a confrontation or altercation.  You could say he has anger management issues too.

A high share of women would lead you to believe that Jacob is being the more mature man in life, in facing up to his responsibilities (hence conformance).  They will concurrently say that Liam has commitment issues, and this is a by-product of being immature for a man of his age.

In reality, Liam is far more mature.  He just isn’t being beaten by the social conformance stick.  Jacob is immature but, on paper, he is abiding by social conformity.

A current example

I know a man at the gym who I get on reasonably well with.  We have similar interests, and we appear at a similar social class, intelligence and professional level.  We will almost always acknowledge each other in the gym, and subsequently have a brief chat in the changing room or pre/post workout.

Nevertheless, on every Friday of the week he trains with a close friend of his (who I assume trains later in the day on the other days of the week) who is clearly from a lower social class and lower intelligence/educational background.  He comes across as a bit thick, but I’ve always said that you can find a niche in life without being objectively, or apparently, smart.  There are men working in many trades – electricians, plumbers, bricklayers etc – who could, in my opinion, fit this description.

His thick mate clearly doesn’t like me, or at least he isn’t comfortable when I’m in the vicinity.  If I were a betting man, I’d say this antagonism is born out of instinctive jealousy.  Body language is the easiest giveaway.  Only the other week he tried to give me an aggressive look concurrent to waiting for the leg machine I was on to be free.  When I rested for a few seconds I stared him back, to which his eyes quickly dropped to face the floor.

Q-tip 1:

Always stand up to bullies.  Bullies are prominent to weakness and to crawl into a shell when you play fire with fire, and when you get them on a one-to-one basis.

The issue is that when the man I get on with most of the time is with his thick mate, he starts to act unsociable, more aggressive, and to a point where he changes his voice tone and content to come across as more mentally dense.  In the changing room together, the two of them act like giggling teenagers.  Pitiful really.  If I acknowledge him, he barely says anything back. 

About a year ago I had a conversation with him about this and that, to which he told me he and his wife were expecting their first child in September.  I remember thinking at the time that surely he would grow out of this pathetic and immature second existence (when he is with his mate) once the kid came along.  He hasn’t changed in the slightest.  For the record, the try-hard bully also has a young child.

Case in point once more that maturity and conformity are two separate entities entirely.   

Female immaturity and conformity

Women will enjoy telling you, with no hesitation, that they represent what should be seen as the symbol of life’s lineal path.  That is, they can have their fun times when it suits them, but they will settle down at the appropriate age.  Whilst I accept that feminism and female independence/careers have led to a larger percentage of women refraining from or delaying marriage and motherhood, nobody should be fooled that the vast majority of women still desire to get married and have kids.  Most of these women still want to do this in their twenties.  Only not locating the man high enough for their standards acts as a procrastination to this accomplishment and life project.

I also accept that, certainly based on my childhood and adolescent memory, girls and young women are more mentally mature than same aged males from the ages of 11 to 18.  You could maybe extend this through to 21, although the mental maturity gap disparity (post 18) starts to close at a much faster rate.  You could argue that from 22 to 24, the mental maturity between women and men has reached a stalemate.  From 25 onwards, and I’m a firm believer (and social behaviour judged with your own two eyes ands ears will be enough to conclude this) that men become more mentally mature than women on a wholesale basis.

Q-tip 2:

Just because most women are more motivated and hungrier to get married and have children in comparison to same aged men does not, in any way, shape or form, mean they act in a greater adult and mature mechanism.  Marriage and motherhood in this day and age for women is a motivation consequence of attention and self-exposure desire, and not primarily born out of love and affection for the future husband. This does not translate to maturity.

A final thought

In my humble view, a strong link to reasoning behind why women have become less mentally mature between 25 to 50 years of age – both in comparison to previous female generations and in respect to men of similar age – is due to the social media upsurge since 2006.  Ultimately, when you place a platform for women to consistently seek attention, exposure, ego stroking, and male (and female friendship) sycophancy, the mind is defaulted to a “me, me, me” obsession.  A “me, me, me” obsession is a natural tendency drawn towards younger women’s mindsets.  This all manifests to a less mentally mature woman.

Another big explanation towards increased female immaturity is also a feature bridged via social media platforms.  Prior to Facebook and associated similarities, a 30 or 40 year old woman’s social involvement with women ten or twenty years younger than her would be mainly through the workplace.  The lid could be kept on the jar, so to speak and to an extent. 

Suddenly though, you had women keeping up to tracks with the online social goings on of their much younger female peers, and as a result the drama and childish habits that went alongside.  Once more, this has all compounded female immaturity in women who should be acting like adults.

Because when you bring a mixed aged group of women together, the younger ones don’t act with more mental maturity.  What happens, to the detriment of society and men seeking worthy long term female partners, is that the older women act with less maturity.

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