Get out at the first red alert

 

                                      “You may only succeed if you desire succeeding;                                                                               you may only fail if you do not mind failing.”                                        (Philippos)

  

A red alert via a woman’s action/s should be a man’s confirmation, which is usually confirmation retrospective of earlier suspicions and tell tale signs, that the time has come to move onto something else.  This man needs to offer no more words than the below predicament he once found himself mixed in.

“We had a fight about her sleeping over at her ex's house. She insisted it wasn't a big deal. When I asked her how she would feel if I had a sleep over with my ex she said it was different. I said yeah, we didn't live together and weren't engaged, you were. She then said if I didn't trust her to have sleep overs with other men then it was my problem to figure out. I left and told her her stuff at my house would be outside, come get it before it garbage day or it was going in the can.”

Time to say goodbye

On the basis this man’s actions were true to his words, I applaud his taking of no shit from her once she fell way below the standards and relationship ethics that any man should expect, as a minimum within her part of the relationship, his female partner to abide by and adhere to.  I have heard and seen this kind of story once too often for my liking.  To be frank, if I had only witnessed it once in my life then it would be one time too many.

The part we do not know is whether he was aware of her intention to sleep over at her ex’s house before she chose to do so.  For removal of any doubt, if I were in his position and she had told me this was her intention, I would have plainly told her that should she opt to do so, the exit door to our relationship would happen a microsecond later.  I will give him the benefit of the doubt in believing he was not aware of such circumstance beforehand, in which he then categorically did the right thing in calling it off the moment he found out. 

In truth, just by her telling him that she did intend to sleep over at her ex’s house, even if she ultimately did not do so in practice, it would be a red alert sign in itself to broadcast such a thought.  I am not saying that on every single occasion I would dump a woman just by her saying she was going to do so (providing she did not carry it out), because it would need a little assessment of the case by case (or woman by woman) process. 

For one, it could be that she is lying (maybe there is not even an ex on the scene), and she is just trying to test my reaction.  There is also the possibility that she is just going through a few moments of attention-seeking, personal validation hunting and self-ego stroking, and desiring to feel better about herself.  Nevertheless, by and large any woman stating these words of staying at an ex’s house is a sure sign to either put her in her place straight away or run for the exit door after having your fun for one last time.

Why would a woman do this?

To reiterate the words in the above paragraph, there are a few reasons a woman will inform her male partner that she is sleeping over at an ex’s house.

·       She is just trying to test what kind of man you are (and hoping you put her in her place for suggesting such a thing).

·       She is an attention seeker.

·       She is a woman who needs the male company of more than just her lover (even if it is just platonic with the other men).

·       The love of one man is just not enough for her validation and purpose in life.  Again, she may not be looking to play away, but ultimately her drama and attention requirements lead her down this path.

·       She is still into her ex (most likely telling you they are just friends).

·       She constantly needs to feel better about herself, and the relationship and companionship with a male partner is not enough to float her boat in this respect.

·       She has got to the stage where she is so fed up with you that she no longer cares what you think.  She is almost hoping that pissing you off will force you to dump her, in order to not feel guilty about her actions in what she is doing to you or her being the dumper (note: this is rare because for one, women have little guilt of their misdemeanours in the first place, and second, they have too much pride and ego to be the one who was dumped unless they crave on sympathy acts).

Further thoughts

The man in this story does the right thing in turning the tables – asking her how she would feel if the roles were reversed.  What he received here was the typical and predictable female answer in these scenarios.  Instead of giving any kind of objectivity or substantiation to her answer, she just comes out with the “it’s different” ambiguity line.  These kinds of piss poor answers are accustomed to women because it allows their little minds to allow their conscience to be clear, concurrent to thinking it is the man being the devil.  Essentially, she is always the victim (so she believes).  In essence, she wants her cake and to eat it.

She then, in equal predicable fashion, plays the card of accusing her male partner of not trusting her.  Once more, it is a vain effort to move the guilt from her mind and onto him.  A weak man falls for this in fear of losing his woman.  A strong man tells her how it is going to be on his terms, and he is happy to face the consequences of losing her.  There are plenty of other women out there for him to bang, and many better than her.

A final thought

I can assure you that no woman who is sincerely in love with her male partner would sleep over at an ex’s house.  She would be so in love with her current partner that the risk of upsetting him – and further him telling her to go forth and multiply (and hence, him ending the relationship) – is not worth taking. 

Additional to this, women fully in love with their male partners actually look to create distance from their exes (and distance from other sought after men in general) rather than bridge the contact back or expose themselves to other men.  You could argue that sometimes this is to eradicate any temptations she may have to play away, but more common is because she, at least in the current time, only holds inclinations to be with and think about her respective male partner.  Love conquers all, at least in the short term before love fragments simultaneous to bad habits reoccurring. 

Finally, and in conjunction with the reason of not carrying out the action to sleep at an exe’s house, a woman holding genuine love for her male partner does not even suggest the possibility of sleeping over at her ex’s residence.  Even if there are no skeleton emotional feelings on her part any longer, or it was a case of a mixed group of friends having a party at his house, a smart woman will not rock the boat in the first place.

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                Nearly all men have jealous tendencies, in respect to other men sniffing around their female partners, when they are in love with a woman.  There is nothing wrong with this mentality from an internal mindset perspective, because if he was not jealous, it is symbolic of him not being in love with her (or even infatuated by her sexually, without the love).  However, this internal jealousy has to be controlled by not exposing or illustrating too much external jealousy.  Once a woman sees a man is too jealous, and this is all the more pertinent the hotter the woman, male jealousy will be construed as an unattractive male trait.  She will then start to feel she is too good for you.

A final, final thought

On this topic, it most probably has not escaped you in terms of how a decent number of times in your life you will have seen the inverse dynamic to the explanation in this post – where a man finds himself either intentionally or unintentionally (directly or indirectly) socialising with his current female partner and his ex-girlfriend/fiancé/wife.  Whilst I fully respect and understand why the female partner should do exactly what I instruct on the male predicament side – in which she should impolitely tell him to pack his things if he makes efforts to see his ex – it is no coincidence that far more often than the gender inverse scenario where men are not on board with this, a lot of women seemingly are happy to go along with this.

Just across my road there is a daughter in her mid-thirties who still lives with her parents.  There is one particular ex-boyfriend of hers who regularly comes round to see her.  Sometimes he is on his own, but infrequently his current female partner comes along too.  If you saw the daughter, you would realize that due to a shortage of male takers she probably is simply happy for some male company and attention, but another part of this will be because she holds onto hope that one day she can prize him back.  The fact he has a new partner just fuels her motivation to do so.

As far as why the current female partner goes along with it, or generally women who (often voluntarily) find themselves in this same threesome bubble, the explanation is simple.  Whereas men are no more (and often less) attracted to their female partners, all else being equal, when she is in the direct interface with a male ex, women apply the opposite emotion.  Simply put, a woman is always looking for something that attracts her more towards her male partner (and for verification he is good enough for her and that other women find him attractive), therefore you find that the jealousy she inflicts on herself ignites and enhances her attraction onto him.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                     The person in the relationship who controls the jealousy see-saw is the person who controls the relationship.  Always aspire to make your female partner that little bit more jealous of women striving for you, in comparison to you being jealous of her having male suitors.  No woman wants a man who no other woman wants.