Wednesday 23 July 2014

Separating the comprehension of love and infatuation: what men of all types must acknowledge

“Love creeps out the window, when poverty walks through the door.”

Whether through our parents, our peers, our siblings or a romantic movie or novelist, we are trained to believe love is the strongest tool that bonds two people together.  “Love breeds eternal”, “love conquers all”, and “love is blind” are just some of the phrases we hear to emphasize the emphatic word we all long to experience.  Some of us may encounter this feeling just a handful of times in our life, and quite often our retrospective view is one of conceding it was never actually true love at all.  Sometimes it was love, but it was simply a case of not to be in the end.  Love is strong, love is exclusive to the two people in that relationship, love can be unique in contrast to any other feeling in the world, and love is often the one thing that keeps us alive.

A few years ago somebody very close to me had an affair with another man whilst she was married to her husband.  At the time it came completely out of the blue, but in hindsight there were certain signs that shouldn’t have made it such a surprise.  This woman declared the truth of her misdemeanors to her family the day after Christmas.  Her husband - a nice guy with beta traits if ever I saw one - had been informed by her on Christmas day, therefore whilst he didn’t look in total shock, he also held a presence of hope and optimism.  I’ll never forget his words of “she still loves me, and she has told me this.”

The woman did also confess that she loved the man she had been having a three month affair with, although I doubt she consciously knew anything in those moments, such was her infatuation with not only her lover but also the situation she found herself in.  It was as if she was in a soap opera with her as the star of the show.  As despicable as she admitted her actions had been, and as knowledgeable as she was of destroying many people’s lives, I couldn’t help but think that part of her was enjoying the ego thrill of having two men who were chasing her heart.  I guess this is just human nature in all of us: there will always be a fraction in our soul, no matter how small or large, that cries out to be wanted.

I knew of the man she was involved in this infidelity act on a second hand basis.  People had informed me of his womanizing antics and inability to talk to people in a respectful way.  He was the typical bad boy.  Even though we are talking about three people in this triangle who were all over fifty years of age, it highlights how emotions can play tricks on their minds, even if they had perhaps reached a logical and mature stage in their lives.

I don’t doubt this woman did still love her husband, before and during the affair, and even after she confessed all.  I’m a firm believer that most women who feel they are in a relationship with men, who appear too nice, do truly love them.  It is a level of love, even if it is not actually being in love with him.  The problem exists because she isn’t infatuated by him, and in truth, and more importantly, she never was.  He may have made her heart flutter in the early days due to all the kind things he did for her - things she had never experienced with any other man that came before him - but it was never that of infatuation or a feeling giving her the urge and need to rip his clothes off as soon as they were reunited after a long day.  Of course this sexual irresistibility period can only last for so long in any relationship, but if it isn’t there at the start then you can only wonder if it is a dead horse you are trying to sell.

Now on the other hand there is also a good argument to back up the probability that women in these situations are not in love with the bad boy they encounter.  She may believe she is at the time, but when it all ends for her with both the nice guy and the bad boy, I’d be certain in her honest words that she would say she loved the former but not the latter.  The critical difference in these scenarios is that she was infatuated by the bad boy - something she never was with the nice guy.  Most females, at least in their younger years, are channeled in their minds to be drawn towards jerks, and they hope or expect this mentality to change over time.  They will rationalize in terms of knowing which kind of man gives them the most security (emotional and financial) and comfort for a longer term, but thoughts of this kind towards the edgier men of the world cannot suddenly be switched off and leave their hearts and minds.  Impulses are strong, and once the novelty of a new relationship, an engagement ring, a wedding and a honeymoon with memories have all worn off, she has the choice to stay with the man she loves but who she isn’t infatuated by, or stray to someone she is infatuated with but who she doesn’t love.  In certain cases she can have both, but this is usually only a short term fix, and sooner rather than later she will have to choose a path.  Most young couples in this day and age are not swimming in money, and once the man starts to tighten the purse strings to get by, this gives her further ammunition to justify adulteration.  My mother often quotes the words of my late grandmother: “love creeps out the window, when poverty walks through the door.”

There is another explanation to why so many women from the high end of physical attractiveness fall into the arms of bad boys.  In the regular world, the majority of bad boys are not graced with great intelligence or articulate language – both in content or delivery – and from experience, a large percentage of visually striking women tend to be likewise in these competencies.  With all this consideration, a woman of physical beauty, but lacking in intellect, will be far more comfortable in interaction with someone on her wavelength.  Good looking high value men are not only making a woman feel inadequate in aesthetic terms, but also in persona relativity.  Even a risk free and uncharismatic nice guy may seem like a better proposition to maintain her purpose in life.  Although precarious by nature with regards to reliability, a woman with high beauty but low mental ability will usually be most intrigued by the bad boy.

So for an average looking man who finds himself with a woman more attractive than he is, he has to be aware of the whole love versus infatuation dilemma she will be inevitably considering.  He has to refrain from blinding himself of her true intentions and motivations in being with him.  Often these motives are genuine, but sometimes they are based on her agenda.  On occasions she may not even truly know herself.   He can ignore it for a period of time, especially in the early days, but a good amount of women will be weighing it up in their minds every day.  For some women the lure of having a family with a secure, stable and dependable man will surpass any thoughts of an unreliable, yet exciting, other candidate.  However, not all will abide by the romance and happy endings, and they will happily ride the wave that satisfies all her needs.  The guy on the innocent end of all this just needs to evaluate these possible eventualities before he is left with the wedding ring in one hand, and his heart pounding in despair on the other.

Women will constantly say they desire a nice guy.  This statement goes against the grain with many of them saying these words, as they are seen dating, in relationships with, or having sex with men who care little for their emotional needs they so often declare as a requirement.  However, even if they make these apparent poor choices that contradict the verbal delivery, they will put it down to misfortune, sheer coincidence or belief that the man changed his ways once they were together.  They will protest these actions were deliberation on their part, and they will resist claims that their subconscious mind draws them towards men who are notorious for being bad boys.  As most men are beta males – performing the role of the white knight and believing the words women say as opposed to observing what they do – the majority of the male population will act exactly in the way women say they want a man to be.  This whole process is unforgiving, as men only fulfill in being what women find unchallenging in the longer term.  A woman doesn’t consciously want to be with a jerk, but he is the wiser choice for her overall visceral needs in favour of a mundane nice guy.

A man should, whilst not replicating being one, take note of what makes a bad boy desirable to women – challenging, independent, firm, care-free, confident and unafraid of upsetting women with justified cause.  He should also take note of a nice guy’s negative points – unchallenging, possessive, supplicated, sycophant, passive and agreeable.  It is more than possible for a man to implement and eradicate these actions respectively, without this being wholesale changes to his character, and in turn he can succeed in not falling into an extreme jerk or nice guy.  Unfortunately, too few men realize this balance requirement, and women continue to be unhappy with either heartbreak or boredom.  

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