“Nobody is indestructible.
Nobody is immune from an illness.
Everybody, at some stage in their life, will require the hand of
friendship and support to surpass obstacles, deprivations and tragedies that
stand before them. And every person
would do well to appreciate they are only as tall as the shoulders they stand
on.”
When we are kids growing up we can often be forgiven for thinking
what will measure our success in life is purely down to how physically
attractive we become. It is a naïve
consideration, but understandable for one so young and innocent in the real
world. It would be rare for someone to
literally and genuinely say “I wish I was less attractive.” In fact in the day and age of people striving
to look more pleasing to the public’s eye, the likelihood of this statement is
near on non-existent.
When I wrote this chapter I was sitting in my back garden at the
start of the summer season. I was
sporting the start of a suntan that, in normal circumstances, would only
blossom further in the impending months.
As a humble, objective and unbiased man when it comes to assessment of
my physical stature, I was of the opinion that I was at my physical
attractiveness peak. In 3 days from that
day I would be commencing 12 sessions of aggressive chemotherapy to treat a
cancerous condition. I was under no
illusions that I’d conceivably never have the opportunity to think in this same
way again. It was because of this
situation that I felt the need to explore the possibility of attractive men, in
physical terms, finding it difficult to find a woman they could have visions of
spending the rest of their life with.
I’m sure we all know those good looking popular guys out there
that seem to be experiencing sexual encounters with inundated women all of the
time. Whilst the figures are never as
flattering or boastful as these men claim, it is fair to say they do acquire
their fair share. Further to this, it is
a fair assumption that many of these female sexual accomplishments will not
necessarily be of high level physical attractiveness, they will be low in
intelligence scale, or it will be a combination of both. However, contrary to a large proportion of
women having a general view that good looking men live the playboy lifestyle,
there are just as many men of this kind that simply and only desire to find one
woman and to place efforts in making her his last ever relationship.
So
the question beckons: why does the relationship orientated good looking man
struggle to find this true happiness?
First, because he always had some innate knowledge of being a handsome
person (often through third party compliments), he sets his target girlfriend
at a high level of beauty requirement.
Nearly all men place maximum emphasis on a woman’s looks, therefore if
this man regards himself as an 8/10 in physical looks then he’ll be seeking out
females on a similar benchmark in this criteria. Many of these men also fail to realize women
do not place total emphasis on physical appearance in their pursuit of men,
therefore they fail to see the bigger picture of how attraction works in the
mind of the opposite sex. To further
reinforce his selectiveness, he may also require a certain level of integrity
and personality in the women he pursues.
In theory, this shouldn’t be a big problem. It’s almost like some recollections of the
infant school days when kids are matched up with dance partners at the age of
eight - all the pretty girls go to one end of the line, the cute boys do
likewise, and they all couple off accordingly.
Ugly kids match up in a similar way, and everyone is happy. However, as we grow through our years, life
throws spanners into the once seemingly mutual logical theories. For men, it is quite simple: they will try to
maximize the physical attractiveness of their future partner. With women, it is far more complex.
Women
will always humour and gruel over attractive film stars or singers, but in
reality they hardly ever desire venturing into a long term relationship with a
man as physically attractive as they are.
Needless to say, but important to clarify, if a man is more physically
attractive than his respective girlfriend she will be even more inclined to
turn away. Despite the career
resurgences of women, in general terms the female race are rarely as confident,
successful or fearless of rejection as their male counterparts, and they have
less earning power and assets to compliment this. Ultimately, these factors manifest to bring
about a relationship where the man is usually the more powerful and personable
of the two. This isn’t always the case,
as a man can have a presence in a working environment yet he hides in his
personality shell in social environments.
Nevertheless, what the woman can place on the table is her beauty. Sure, a man may have many other traits in
life such as wealth, social status, power or popularity, but if he is a 6.5/10
grade in physical looks whilst she is an 8/10, she knows that despite all his
superior value traits, when walking down the street together people will think
only to how fortunate he is to have her.
She will have conscious but unspoken knowledge of this, and it gives her
a feeling of power she needs in order to infiltrate comfort and confidence in
herself. In contrast, if a man is placed
in this scenario that is of equal physical attractiveness (or better looking)
than her, she suddenly doubts herself and wonders what she has to offer. She questions her purpose in life. There are many reasons that explain the high,
and often unexplainable, number of women walking hand in hand with lesser
looking men, but the least explored factor is quite likely the most
pertinent. When people see this scenario
their immediate thought is to what he must have to offer, but in reality it
often has nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. She needs to feel a purpose in her life, and
it is a pre-conceived but often deniable female thought that a lesser looking
man will complete this requirement more for her.
I
had a conversation about this matter during an afternoon stroll in 2008 with a
woman I had only met the previous day.
After a couple of beers she opened up with regards to her honest
information when I asked her opinion to reasons of this kind – good looking
women accompanied by lesser looking men.
She mentioned the usual reasons like money, financial and emotional
security, trust, status and manhood credentials. However, the most striking comment she made
was with reference to the fact women have an unofficial rule to never date a
man as physically attractive as them.
I’d often thought this was a possibility, but until this day I’d always
dismissed the reality. I’ll never forget
these words as long as I live, and they acted as a catalyst to further
understand the patterns of how men can appeal, or not appeal, to women. Very few women would admit to it in this way,
as they would more likely turn it around to claim handsome men are more prone
to commit infidelity, to be liars, or to possess no personality to go hand in
hand with their looks. Furthermore, they
may have had one or two bad experiences with good looking men, or they’ve heard
stories second hand from friends, therefore they tarnish all these men with the
same brush. This is where the genuine,
honest and caring men with good looks carry the burden from mistakes of others,
and the negative perceptions of women.
No matter how good a guy he is, and no matter how much she finds him
physically appealing, he’ll often have to find a way to get past this.
As
time passes by, people naturally have less friendship networks, and the
opportunities to exploit positive parts of their character become more
remote. When an opportunity does come
along, because of the pressure of the situation it is not uncommon for a man to
fluff his lines when in the presence of women they take a liking to. The first impression is the most important
impression in the attraction field, and rarely does a guy have a second chance
to impress a woman he didn’t previously know.
I
have also found over the years that the older the women, the more wary and
insecure they are in intimate situations with good looking men. This apparent circumstance can be seen even
in a comparison between a 21 year old woman and a 26 year old woman. So no matter how many times people criticize
a man for doing so, and no matter how much he questions himself for this
apparent predilection, there is more than just the physical benefit in
relationships with younger women: their minds have not reached conscious
thoughts of egoism in feeling more valued by a lesser looking man.
Another
hurdle good looking men need to fight is women’s perception that all males in
this segment admire themselves too much.
Women can find it easy to generalize, so if she has recently spotted one
or two guys checking their reflections in a public mirror (or worse still, a
shop window), she will paint a negative picture for those not so vain. A man can spend an hour grooming himself with
nobody around and get away with it, but one second of this seen to the outside
world and it can destroy a woman’s attraction towards him. No way does she want to be with someone that
uses the mirror more than she does, and in no circumstance does she need
someone that clearly admires himself to the point of desperately trying to show
his worth. Actions like this will give a
woman trust and infuriation issues without even trying. A confident man shouldn’t need reassurance
of his attraction from the reflections from outside of his own home.
On
a not dissimilar point, women can develop a tendency of jealousy when it comes
to their overall view of highly attractive men.
It’s important to re-iterate this is usually with men they do not know
on a personal level, therefore they are simply casting assumptions on what he
is like, whether rightly or wrongly.
Seldom do women consider their assumption to be wrong unless totally
proven otherwise, and they almost always trust their gut feelings. Even if a man manages to get past this
barrier, it’s incredible how many women need to consult their female, and
sometimes male, friends for advice to the type of character he may be. As high value and good looking men with
quality traits are hard to find, it is no coincidence these friends will often
give her advice based on their own jealous agendas: hence often telling her to
not date him. Then again, from a man’s
perspective does he really desire to be with a woman who seeks advice on a
matter like this and who is too weak to invest emotions on someone she has
physical chemistry with? I personally
would have major doubts and anticipate future problems due to her lack of self-belief
to trust in her own feelings.
After
a couple of negative relationship experiences with men (not necessarily with
highly attractive men), a woman’s guard will be up and she will have a
particular low opinion of the male gender for a certain period of time. She will see this good looking guy strolling
nonchalantly around in nothing more than confidence and comfort in his own skin,
and she will portray a view of him being a cheating, lying jerk that would be no good for her. She’d possibly even go to great lengths to
convince herself she doesn’t even find him attractive. Men are generally more confident and less
insecure and self-conscious than women in comparative terms, and if a woman
sees a degree of swagger in him, she can translate this into a negative. This is all the more probable with good
looking men in reference to their illustrations of confidence and comfort with
the opposite sex. An average looking man
carrying out this demeanour becomes more attractive and appealing to a woman,
as he raises her perceived value of him (a value that wasn’t immediately high)
in the way of acting like this. However,
a good looking man acting in the exact same way will still be seen in appealing
eyes by that same woman: the difference is that she believes a man of this
nature and calibre is out of her league, and she consequently pre-rejects
him. Women need to feel comfort in
comparative physical attractiveness stakes, and if she felt insufficient
alongside him, it is hard for her to know what she has to offer to the
relationship. By being less eye catching,
she will have at least one aspect where she holds the upper hand. So again, the genuine good looking guy has
his work cut out here.
The
attractive man can often have only himself to blame for being alone. When we’re younger it’s much easier in the
whole attraction, dating and relationship field. A young guy sees a girl he likes, she is
still in a mindset of optimism that the good looking ones are the prized asset,
and everybody is happy with this situation.
They date for a while, and amongst lies, infidelity or a simple means to
an end, they then go their separate ways.
They both may see it as a great experience or an unforgettable regret,
but over time they can pass it off as a learning tool for the future. Even if she wasn’t the brightest or most
articulate, this probably didn’t matter much to him then. These factors were negligible considerations
back then as it was all about the physical look. As time goes on, and as minds develop, men
become more particular with what sits between a woman’s ears. What was once never a major issue is now an
integral part of the requirements, yet unlike women, it takes a lot longer, if
ever at all, for men to compromise and rationalize on the physical attributes
of a woman he regards as a future mate. Despite female protestations that men are only interested in what they see, the
reality is they wonder how a prospective girlfriend will adapt at the family
Sunday evening meal just as much as the female inverse view. Anyone can locate a sexual encounter on a
Saturday night with the right amount of attitude, patience and perseverance,
along with reducing their selectiveness in the opposite sex, but finding a
woman that ticks more than just physical beauty attributes can seem a far
harder task.
The
final point also comes on the back of years of life development. Single men, in particular those who have
never fathered children, will more than likely have built up a substantial
amount of financial assets. This may be
in the case of estate, investments or savings, but in any case he has a certain
amount to lose if misplaced (even if innocent) emotional decisions are
made. Of course until a man comes close
to marriage, and this may seem a million miles away at first, this isn’t an
issue. However, time moves fast, and pressures
or ultimatums appear to arrive far quicker when both sexes become that little
bit older. Before weeks are being
counted it is suddenly approaching a year, and hints are being implied to
putting a ring on her finger for a committed future together. This is all fine, as fundamentally this is
what relationships are all about - finding the one to marry and start a family
with. Although far from all, it is a
fair assumption most single women do not have these equivalent assets, and
suddenly a man can be staring down at a financial imbalance. In an ideal world this isn’t a consideration
for a man, as he should simply have thoughts of being blessed that he has met
the woman of his dreams, they get married, have children, and live happily ever
after. Unfortunately the world isn’t
ideal, and with statistical proof to more than half of modern day marriages -
in some western world countries - ending in divorce, a man surely cannot be
blamed for assessing the possibility of losing a large share of the hard work
and sacrifices that placed him there in the first place.
This
situation can prove to be more problematic for a more physically attractive
man. Take a man not as good looking in
the same financial imbalance scenario: he meets an attractive woman who does
not have any financial savings or assets to her name, and in fact she may even
have debts from previous adventures in life.
In total fairness, she may not have given him any reason to believe she
is motivated by his economic welfare, but because he feels privileged to be
with her, any future risk is worth the gamble as he believes he may never
acclaim another woman on the same physical attractiveness scale. Now back to the better looking man in this
dynamic: whilst he is in love with this woman, he will be more arrogant in the
way of thinking in terms of the risk versus reward assessment. He may refuse marriage commitment or give an
austerity measure in the form of a pre-nuptial option. He will conceivably have more confidence in
finding another beautiful woman where there is less of an imbalance in money terms. If his female partner refuses these choices
then the likelihood is they will go their separate ways. What was once an opportunity of infinite love
is now a trigger of reminiscing during lonely Sunday afternoons.
Over
2 years after writing all the above, I sit here in remission of cancer
illness. The mental and emotional scares
will stay with me for the rest of my life, but through hard work, belief and
the strength from above, physical defects (with the exception of hundreds of
needle marks in both arms), are now a thing of the past. As for my thoughts and opinions to why an
unexplainable number of good looking men struggle to find true love and
happiness: they have not changed in the slightest.
What a load of bollocks again. If he has everything why the hell would he have problems picking up women???? So shall I be a dosser & all will fall at my feet!
ReplyDeleteMy brother is similar to the points in the post. He has everything on paper…good-looking, good job, nice guy, nice house etc. Yet he seems to find trouble tracking down decent women. Maybe he’s too choosy
ReplyDeleteSome points I agree with like not wanting to be taken to the cleaners if you’ve got savings and a house.Many a man have made this mistake – many mates have met a woman, fallen for her and rushed into marriage within a year then broke up. More fool them
ReplyDeleteSome women can fall for losers too and end up losing money
ReplyDeleteFor every one of them is 50 guys being a sucker
ReplyDeleteSo hot women are better people as they get older then?
ReplyDeleteLife sucks!
ReplyDeleteSometimes women will take the comfort in a man who is less attractive because they will be appreciated more by men who aren’t being pulled by every other women. I know he goes on about women not wanting a man no other woman wants, and he’s right. But then we also want someone we can trust when he’s out at the weekend or away with work. It’s not always just about finding the best quality man we can get you know.
ReplyDelete= insecure
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