Monday 7 October 2013

The balance of power in relationships

“Sometimes I feel people wanted more than they had, and had to grow up to realize they already had everything they ever wanted.”


I’m a firm believer that relationships travel through a balance of power process from starting the point of dating to the stage when both the man and woman involved can comfortably state they have no desires to be with anyone else.  In some cases this could continue right up to the day the two of them jettison from the relationship, but it is a fair argument to suggest the first six months determine whether the two decide to become one, or to instead go their separate ways.

It is important to take a moment to establish the differing emotions even before the first date.  This could be two people who only met a few days earlier, acquaintances who have visited the same social event for a couple of months, or long term friends who have decided to take the plunge to the next step.  The likely scenario in all situations is that in some way the woman has made efforts to motivate the man into asking her out.  This is what women do at the end of the day - they thrive on chasing the guy to the point where she has secured his ambition to take her out.  There are a select few females who will ask a man out up front, and many take even greater pleasure if their prey is forbidden.  In other words, he is already committed to another woman.  Research indicates single women take preference to men already in a relationship or are pre-selected, and history further proves this pleasure they seek out (Parry et al, 2001) as was shown with the first woman to grace ground (in the form of  Eve - as she chose to take the forbidden apple).

Once at the stage of the first date, and for the short term after, the balance of power shifts in favour of the female perspective.  Sure, the woman made the initial moves to bring about the meeting, however much of this would be a consequence of her natural instinct in feeding off the chase and the need to feel wanted.  Quite often she may have ignored the simplistic thought of even truly liking the guy in the first place, or bypassed considerations of their compatibility.  It is here where the man’s emotive responses turn more serious.  Before the date, the woman would have had pre-determined visions of the two of them together, yet this wouldn’t have been so much the story for the guy.  Suddenly he is thrown into thoughts of this potential relationship, and he justifiably, or naively, thinks she is very interested in him due to her original instigation and indicators of interest.

The problem is the fact that time has moved on and beyond the chase for her, and as she has now captured her man, the challenge diminishes somewhat especially if he is single.  The guy’s mindset is the opposite, and what was a relaxed attitude from yesterday is now a disposition ranging from sustained plans for the two of them, to complete obsession.  No matter how well the date went, there is no guarantee she will have strong feelings at this stage.  Women put more doubts in their heads than men.  In many instances they look for perfection, and this complexity will be fuelled by negative opinions from her often jealous friends.  This is especially true if he is a more desirable male than their own respective partners.  As for her single friends, needless to say, they will make her even more wary of the possible negative implications.  Even bad dates may not deter the guy, and often he showers her with texts, gifts or over elaborate compliments.  This will have no positive effect here, and the likelihood is she will simply return none of them.  As harsh as this may seem to many genuine, caring and honest men out there, the truth is this is just the way it goes with many women.  However, if he can find the equilibrium of maintaining her interest, without the abundance of emotional offerings and sycophancy, then this will make her feel the scales are at a complete balance.  This will give the guy more opportunity in the up and coming weeks to increase the level of his affections.  There is no hard and fast rule, but three to four weeks of this should keep her interested to the point where she doesn’t feel ambushed and still wants to continue in seeing him.

Let’s take it from week four.  The guy has kept her interest level and has shown he likes her no more or no less than she likes him.  It is still at an even balance of power.  At this stage, a woman’s long term views are stronger than a man’s; reinforced further if she possessed the initial intimate emotions for him, and if she views him as a potential partner then she will give tell tale signs, even if not obvious ones.  The trick for the man here is to pick up on these hints without changing too much of his delivery in return.  Sure, the odd gift in the right moment could go down a treat, but the mention of too many long term plans will shift the power back to her and he will lose what could have been.  If he can perfect this art she will have endeavours to see him more, and she will show more affection towards him.  This is where the bad boy type of guy becomes a genius and where the nice guy fails.  The bad boy maintains her craving due to never showing too many cards from his chest, whilst the nice guy will spill his heart out in assumption she is his girlfriend before she even agreed to be so.  Something in between is better, but after only a month on from the first date, if one option only is to be taken then it has to be the bad boy’s strategy.



Now it moves on the beyond the month period, and no matter how much attention requirement a woman is inclined to have, she will not stay with a man she isn’t interested in unless there are other motivating and mitigating factors involved.  If the guy can reach this point in the relationship he knows he has more than a fair chance from here on in, and the rest is simply down to how he can handle the future situations.  The guy now has slightly more power shifted in his favour because of the way the two genders analyze the longer term.  When a woman is at a time in her life when nights in with a boyfriend take precedent over going out with her friends, she pursues this preference more than the average man does likewise in the same situation. 

However, the poor move many men make is being convinced this is the time to strike.  It is likely that within the first couple of months the two of them have only been out alone, with next to no interaction with either’s friends or family.  If he shows jealous or supplicated traits, especially if this involves derogatory comments towards her closest ones, she will only see this in a negative light.  All the good work from the first few weeks can go out of the window with one wrong move.  Women value the length of time they are in a relationship more than men.  This is predominantly true because a woman’s peak sexual market value – mainly being her physical attractiveness – is far shorter than a man who looks after himself.  It’s no coincidence that girlfriends can recall the anniversary of when the two of them participated in certain activities or events together far more easily than their boyfriend’s equivalent recollections, and the longer a man is with her, the more lenient she will be with his shortcomings.  Basically, the critical stage for a man in a relationship is in the early stages.  As time goes on, providing he delivers the right attitude, firmness and assertiveness, he will be allowed more leeway for his errors of judgment.

It can be easy for a man to get taken away by the moment on a sunny stroll down the park, and suddenly the words of “I love you” or “move in with me” creep out.  Whilst the minority of women may suck this statement or offer up like a leach, the classier and more aware of them will only get frightened off if this is spoken too soon.  She will think he is miles ahead of her in the emotional and commitment stakes.  A woman wants nothing more than to be loved by a man, but she wants to have to fight for this reward.  There is a distinct difference between the two, and if he gives it up too easily or too soon, the challenge has gone in her mind.  The scales always need to be kept at a balance.        

From here on in, the relationship becomes more flexible in terms of mistakes and wrong moves, as the truth is both parties have reached the stage where they do not see an imminent life with anyone else from the opposite sex.  More cards will be laid on the table, and in a strange but pleasing way it seems more relaxed and comfortable.  Gifts are now received with gratitude rather than anxiety, and compliments do not need to be pre assessed like before.  It’s a self-fulfilling balance of power when the peak of the mountain is achieved.  The uphill walk to get there is a hard task.  The fight to refrain from falling down – post six months - will be even harder, but this bridge can be crossed if, or when, it occurs. 

In predominant cases past the female age of 25 (on the assumption the respective male partner age is not post 40), and with the absence of marriage, the longer a relationship lasts the more power a man holds within this stranglehold that is the male and female intimate bond.  As for beyond the six month mark: this is another story for another day in another post.




Acknowledgements and further reading

Brady, D., Griffith, S.H., Healey, J.J., Melling, D.J., Parry, K. (2001).  The Blackwell Dictionary of Eastern Christianity.

20 comments:

  1. Hell Jesus it’s a sad world if posts are having to be made on power in relationships.Whatever happened to just treating a person for who they are and actually enjoying spending time together with no mind games?

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  2. I didn't believe in any of this power in relationships but some women bring you to be this way. They like to feel they have a level of power but some women like it the other way and be dominated by men. My sister is the latter. Guess it depends on the girl

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  3. Ive made these mistakes when trying too hard too soon and having nowhere to go from there. Now I let the suckers do the hard work and I reap the rewards at the end of the night.

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  4. Agree with 1st comment. There are enough honest girls out there to not have to consider these things.

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  5. I think it’s called counter balancing female emotional psychology. You know not what you want, so men need to, let’s say, improvise. In an ideal world men could be men and never need to contemplate their moves because the female mind would act accordingly and responsive to good things. But the real world rarely works this way.

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  6. Hey man, I only came across this website by accident.It's good to see a local guy too.Im from Burton and I know the women are well loose there and you dont need much game.Women in Derby seem similar put they try and put up a front that makes them seem better than they are.
    Keep them coming, liking it so far and good luck with the remission.

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  7. I’d say men don’t have true power at all. I look at most of my buddies and they are lapdogs to their girlfriends. They say they are the boss, but then you see them out together and she always wears the trousers that’s for sure.

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  8. Women have less time to find the right man.If we make strange decisions then there is more pressure on us.

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  9. Then make the right decision then bimbo!!! xxx

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  10. Then grow a pair then jackass

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  11. So Betty, does this make it right?

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  12. No, I never said it did.What I mean by this is if some women treat men badly it is only because they thought he was right when they met but things changed.

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  13. Men change too, so women get out when the goings still good. But some women do treat good men badly too.

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  14. Then treat the good ones right then cotton socks

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  15. Listen, my point to all this is that there are a few good men and a lot of jerks.Some men act all nice at first to get laid then pull the rug from under them.By then we have fallen in love and its hard to get out.Yes there are loads of nice men out there but it can be hard to find them when you've been in love with someone who was wrong.

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  16. Fair point. lol

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  17. Power is knowledge, knowledge is power,lol

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  18. Power is in the mind of the one that controls the relationship. Just ask my 12 wives!

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  19. ''If he shows jealous or supplicated traits, especially if this involves derogatory comments towards her closest ones, she will only see this in a negative light''
    This reminds me of the song Jealous.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw04QD1LaB0

    What are your thoughts on Nick Jonas? He has fame, money, his girlfriend (the girl in the above video) is former Miss Universe.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e646VOmNn_4&t=6m57s
    Heres another of him performing, notice she turned her head, what do you think were her thoughts at that moment?
    Can he get away with supplication and jealousy because of his value?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bHhn4vJZls&t=30s
    Here is an interview, notice he doesn't make much eye contact with the girls and he looks down a lot, you might think he would be relaxed in the presence of women who are less attractive than his, he even says he is not a good dancer, my guess hes not good in bed either. I think he has a lot inhibition and insecurity.
    I think Nick Jonas is a special case because on paper he has everything a guy could possibly want, but at the same time its almost like deep down he thinks he dont deserve her.

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