The real reason she wanted him back

 

                                “The harder you work, the luckier you will not become.                             Instead, the harder you work, the more opportunities you offer yourself to be lucky.”

 

This was a good read from a while ago:

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My wife left me when I was 30 after 8 years of marriage. Financially, I was very successful working in quantitative finance and had monetized my advanced degrees successfully. I think I was too narrowly focused on my career and made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I begged for counseling when she dropped the bomb on me and indicated that I was willing to work quite hard to change, particularly in terms of work/life balance. I reminded her that while money isn’t everything, my goal in life was to provide for her and any family we might have. I didn’t want to buy fancy crap for me, my goal was to put our money into family stuff-housing, mainly. I am still that way. I told her that the demographics sucked at 30 and for her sake she should try to make this work.

It didn’t matter. She was gone. Within a month. She had fallen in love with another guy.

Two years go by and I did get a lot of counseling and tried to work out a lot things on my own. Despite a lot of sorrow and having to deal with a lousy childhood, I made some progress, enough to start dating again.

I ended up marrying a woman who had a lot of the same qualities as my first wife: smart, loving, and devoted (its funny I still think of the first wife as devoted) with the major difference being that my second wife has strong Christian beliefs. Although I don’t share these beliefs, I certainly respect them and wish I had the religious gene.

The second marriage has worked. Children are grown. Smart young women. Is this because I matured? Maybe.

The hardest part for me was that my first wife wanted back when I started dating my current wife. She was amazingly clever in figuring out that I was serious again despite my continual push for no contact. She even wanted to crash our wedding and we had to hire security guards.

She broke into my house before the wedding and presented herself naked and I have no idea how I talked her into leaving that night. I still felt tinges of love but had moved on. I just had to move on and she wasn’t making it easier. It was surreal. I had to point out that she filed for divorce. She wanted it. She kept saying it was our idea. I was just so sad for her. How had this bright woman divorced herself from reality and what did I do to cause it?

It would have been a lot better for me if we did go to counseling and figure out what I needed to work on, even if the marriage didn’t work. I hope people who are struggling with their marriage take this lesson. Even if it can’t be saved, you need to make yourself better.

Marrying the second wife is the single best thing I have done in my life. I tell myself the pain was necessary as I had to learn some lessons. Ouch.

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Not that I expect the narrator of this real life situation to ever read what I am about to write, but I very much doubt he would appreciate, and I doubt even more he would understand the psychological reasoning behind it (without thorough acceptance of the true reasons), the full truisms behind what I will explain. 

This man appears to think his first wife sincerely realized the mistake she made in letting him go.  I guess this is a pride thing from two angles.  First, the natural male ego will be telling himself that she has now comprehended what she once had.  Second, he, like most men, will abstain from affirming the worst of women (especially someone who was once so close to him), and further still, accepting what women like her are truly like.  If you think women like her are a tiny minority, you might choose to think again.

Basic principles of female emotional character

With full acceptance that women will land on differing places within each characteristic line, if I was restricted in picking only three traits that sum up female emotional habits, I would choose the following:

·       A need for attention

·       A need for drama

·       A somewhat uncontrollable mechanism that enforces them to be attracted to taken men over single men, all else being equal.

In simple terms, this man’s ex wife fell into all three traps once she knew he was dating another woman.  He, or men who have experienced similar, may not want to hear this, but her zealousness to grasp him back had nothing to do with his quality as a man or male partner to her.  For goodness sake, she had enough time to know this when they were together, did she not?  In easy explanation, it was all down to his new preselection accolade.

This preselection accolade – hence having a new and serious girlfriend (his now wife) – was the primary, and maybe even the only (with the by-product assistance of attention and drama needs), reason the psycho ex came running back to him.  Her need for attention was elevated once she knew he had a new female partner, and her drama queen requirements to rock the boat and stand between them played its natural role.  She was not interested in him per se.  She was interested in taking him away from his woman.

Why all this urge to be with him now?

As explained on this blog more than a few times, after the initial stages of the “honeymoon period” (from commencement of dating to as early as a few months later, depending on the woman), a woman’s love for you will fragment like the Autumn leaves dropping from the trees outside my house in a few months time.  When her love fragments, her will to please you, to be charming towards you, and to tolerate the difficult times with you, shrink in the same concurrent timeframe.

What further shreds her love and positive partner deliverables into pieces, is once you marry a woman.  The vast majority of men think that marriage will reinforce and even elevate her projected love onto them, but in reality, it does the opposite.  Her motivation to put effort into the relationship wavers, whilst her thoughts to look for problems and justifications that said man is not worthy of her spirals. 

In essence, she stopped appreciating him when they were together (in particular as his wife, in comparison to being his girlfriend), and she started to ignite her appreciation of him, or more correctly her urge to not let him be with anyone else, when he found a new love.  In this case, she was shot from two fronts.  Not only did she start to find him more attractive due to his reinstated preselection status, but her ego was damaged from contemplation that she was being beaten in the game by another woman (although, based on what he wrote, I get a strong feeling that she was quite a bit hotter than his second wife).

Q-tip 1:                                                                                                                                   Even as a husband, you cannot allow your pride or loyalty towards your wife cloud your judgement and recognition of what women are capable of doing, especially when there is less incentive for them to try hard in the relationship.  If you do, the hurt, tears and questions will intensify, and the ability to move on with your life will be compromised.

Any positive finale to this post?

As cynical and pessimistic as I most likely come across, the fact is that I do not manufacture the rules.  I just face up to, with what I see with my own two eyes, what happens in real life.  If anybody desires to criticize me for this, then they can happily be my guest.

With this said, and although I stand by the opinion that >99% of women will in some way succumb to the three uncontrollable female traits as explained earlier, there are still some women out there who you can detect to be more worthy of your commitment. 

These women tend to be homely girls – women who are mainly interested in a quiet life with a solid boyfriend, and women who are not too forthcoming with girly gatherings.  Do not get me wrong, these women will still have a need for attention on a tolerable level.  They are still into drama, although what I do like about this compartment of female is that they take preference in just seeing the drama from afar and onto others, but by and large they are not inclined to be dragged into the drama themselves.

As for the mate poaching element, I also find that these women are much more admirable.  Again, her natural female mind will still find a taken man more attractive than a single man (all things being equal once more), but she will not go out her way to capture a man who already has a female partner, and maybe kids too.

It is quite ironic, because a lot of these homely girls have fewer female friends acquaintances they choose to socialize with than the average woman, yet they are much more considerate in not going for a spoken for man.  It just goes to show that there is often an indirect correlation between women who attain many female friends, and their consequential degree of loyalty towards them.

Q-tip 2:                                                                                                                                         If you are a man trying effortlessly to get a woman to be intimate with you, but you are failing with this, the easiest way to mitigate the obstacle is to start dating (even if it is contrived) another woman.  You will be amazed how quickly other women start to subsequently find you more appealing.