If there’s only one thing that I’ve prided myself over during the lifespan of this blog, it would be the humility to accept and subscribe to where I made poor mistakes with women during my younger days. I still make isolated mistakes today, but they are few and far between in the whole scheme of things.
Although I now hardly ever take a look at other manosphere (is it even still referenced as this?) blogs, when I first entered the space – both as an observer and then a writer – it was clear how the vast majority would seemingly only tell the audience their success stories. There is an argument to suggest that informing men of their deficiencies would be of no benefit to said male reader, however I’m a firm believer that you process in this order:
1) Recognize your deficiency/weakness/mistake
2) Accept your deficiency/weakness/mistake
3) Analyse why you made that wrong move
4) Insist in yourself that you will learn from it
5) Make a plan in never making that mistake again
6) Find a better course of action than before
Of course, not every box will be ticked every time. Environmental situations, and the time constraints involved in making efficient decisions on the spot, dictate to whether you successfully prevail or not. It’s a bit like being a master of theory, but a failure in practice. Nevertheless, over time the theory and retrospective thoughts do assist your real-life scenarios, and you become a better and happier man for it.
By biggest mistakes with women, and hence my strongest heartaches, came between the ages of 18 to 20. There were occasional lapses and forgettable memories post this age range, but these three years brought about endless dealings with women who would treat me like dog poo and break my heart. At least, I thought they had broken my heart at the time.
I was somewhat fortunate to meet my first true girlfriend before this age range, and to an extent, I was almost spoilt. As she was just a genuine girl wanting nothing more than an enjoyable and loyal boyfriend, I can’t remember many, if any, mind games, manipulations and lies she would produce. Not at first, anyway. With this in mind, I wasn’t greatly prepared for what was truly to come. When it did end, I just put it down to us going separate ways (we were also not from the same city/town).
Between 18 to nearly 21, I made the cardinal sin of being the nice guy who tried too hard. Naivety and a lack of experience played a big part, in addition to the first girlfriend who somewhat laid down a template in my mind that niceness was what most women desired. You could say I had to learn the hard way in this respect.
There were half a dozen women – aged between 18 to 25 – during those three years who implemented the same system. First, they chased me. Second, they gained my interest to ask them out. Third, they captured my heart. Fourth, we entered into a relationship. Fifth, they pulled away the harder I tried – with the usual lies, disappearing acts and excuses for unavailability to be now known as customary accompanies. Sixth, they dumped me (that is those who had the courage to inform me in person).
The sickly feeling…
Post official splits on all occasions, came the perennial sickly feeling that any honest man can relate to. To start with you can’t think of anything but her. Time seems like it is standing still, as all you want is to be back with her. It’s like no other woman in the world exists. You don’t feel like eating or going out with your mates. Sleeping can be a problem. On occasions, you even try to put yourself in the locations she may be found (yes, effectively stalking her!), in hope she has a change of thought if seeing you in the flesh. The thought of her with a new boyfriend makes you feel like fainting, or even crying. The vision of her having sex with another man makes you feel sick, and almost to the point of not holding ambitions to be alive, such is the pain of this thought.
The inevitable – finding out she has a new boyfriend – will always find it’s way to your confirmation. I can guarantee any man that a high percentage (I’d estimate this being above 60%) of women already have their next potential boyfriend lined up before she dumps you. As most women need the validation of being known as a “girlfriend”, they will still stay in an unhappy existence until they have a near guarantee that another man will be picking her up the following week.
When you do find out, you blame yourself rather than her. You ask all the questions to what you could have done better, but in reality the good (or “nice”) things you did played a big part in driving her away. It’s kind of ironic that you look for the bad things in yourself, yet it was the good things that cost you. The facts of the matter are that you most likely couldn’t have done much more to salvage the relationship. Over time, a man with experience and perspective just accepts that women are complex creatures, and the illogical in turn forms the logic.
How to know if you’re over her…
There is one simple way to know whether you are over a woman or not. This can even apply to a woman you were perhaps pursuing (but who had stolen your heart, or at least penis thoughts!), yet never made it to even the dating phase. Simply put, it is all down to how you feel when you are aware another man is nailing her.
In essence, if the thought of her having sex with this man gives you all the negative feelings as described further up, yet compounded further with this knowledge, the long and the short of it is you are not even close to being over her. On the other hand, you know you are fully over a woman when she could practically be having naked passion with a man in front of your own two eyes, yet she is as good as invisible to you. Sometimes you may even be pleased about this, such is the fear in your mind that you think she may try and rekindle with you after you want nothing to do with her – whether as a relationship or even for sex.
Naturally, you need to be in the latter thought process to move on and enjoy your life once more. It is easier said than done, especially as a young man with limited experience in female emotional psychology, but there are ways that assist moving towards this extreme, as opposed to the other extreme when your mouth is completely dry in despair. I list a few:
· Find a new girlfriend (or a short-term fling) who sexually arouses you as much, if not more, than her. Even if she isn’t girlfriend material, the sheer energy and time distraction in sleeping with the new girl will hugely contribute to a less achy heart.
· Find a new girlfriend who comes as close to matching your past partner’s desirables in as many metrics as possible. Once this has been accomplished, there should be very little reason in looking back.
· Convince yourself that any relationship that ends couldn’t have been that great in the first place. No good relationship ends just for the sake of it (excluding if the split is based on logistics/distance reasons).
· Remind yourself of all her negative aspects. Did she lie, manipulate, disappear, play mind games, or act like a bitch too often for your liking, and for no given reason? Did she smoke, or have a nasty smell in certain places? Did she never pay for anything, and took advantage of your expenditure and endeavours? Not one woman is perfect, far from it, and every woman is replaceable and interchangeable.
· Realize, that as unbelievable a feeling it is when a man and a woman are happy together, that this pinnacle happiness phase holds a shelf life. Often this expiry date lasts no longer than a tin of tomatoes.
· Understand, as harsh as this is, that women’s physical beauty is short lived. For every girlfriend you split up with, it is an opportunity to find someone younger and with more prime years ahead. And so on, and so forth.
A final thought
Take it from me, as a man who has never been married or had kids, not one woman leaves me with a memory as the one that got away. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a couple of girlfriends who were as loyal and amiable as feasibility allows, but they’d be older now and I wouldn’t have been able to experience what I have with many other (albeit not as good girlfriend material) women.
This isn’t to say all men should follow this path. I never intended for this path to happen to me, and in the end I only look at this path as God’s destiny to what was best for both me, and them. If you do honestly believe you find a woman who gives you happiness that cannot be imagined or matched, I would always say to any man that she is worth keeping and committing to. The purpose of this post isn’t about abstaining from commitment. The purpose of this post is explaining how to get over a woman who treated you badly, or a woman who is currently treating you like toilet paper. And it will happen, I can assure you of that.
Any heart can be mended. It just doesn’t seem that way at the time.