“Choose to be bitter, or choose to be better.”
If there’s only one thing that I’ve prided myself over during the lifespan of this blog, it would be the humility to accept and subscribe to where I made poor mistakes with women during my younger days. I still make isolated mistakes today, but they are few and far between in the whole scheme of things.
Although I now hardly ever take a look at other manosphere (is it even still referenced as this?) blogs, when I first entered the space – both as an observer and then a writer – it was clear how the vast majority would seemingly only tell the audience their success stories. There is an argument to suggest that informing men of their deficiencies would be of no benefit to said male reader, however I’m a firm believer that you process in this order:
1) Recognize your deficiency/weakness/mistake
2) Accept your deficiency/weakness/mistake
3) Analyse why you made that wrong move
4) Insist in yourself that you will learn from it
5) Make a plan in never making that mistake again
6) Find a better course of action than before
Of course, not every box will be ticked every time. Environmental situations, and the time constraints involved in making efficient decisions on the spot, dictate to whether you successfully prevail or not. It’s a bit like being a master of theory, but a failure in practice. Nevertheless, over time the theory and retrospective thoughts do assist your real-life scenarios, and you become a better and happier man for it.
By biggest mistakes with women, and hence my strongest heartaches, came between the ages of 18 to 20. There were occasional lapses and forgettable memories post this age range, but these three years brought about endless dealings with women who would treat me like dog poo and break my heart. At least, I thought they had broken my heart at the time.
I was somewhat fortunate to meet my first true girlfriend before this age range, and to an extent, I was almost spoilt. As she was just a genuine girl wanting nothing more than an enjoyable and loyal boyfriend, I can’t remember many, if any, mind games, manipulations and lies she would produce. Not at first, anyway. With this in mind, I wasn’t greatly prepared for what was truly to come. When it did end, I just put it down to us going separate ways (we were also not from the same city/town).
Between 18 to nearly 21, I made the cardinal sin of being the nice guy who tried too hard. Naivety and a lack of experience played a big part, in addition to the first girlfriend who somewhat laid down a template in my mind that niceness was what most women desired. You could say I had to learn the hard way in this respect.
There were half a dozen women – aged between 18 to 25 – during those three years who implemented the same system. First, they chased me. Second, they gained my interest to ask them out. Third, they captured my heart. Fourth, we entered into a relationship. Fifth, they pulled away the harder I tried – with the usual lies, disappearing acts and excuses for unavailability to be now known as customary accompanies. Sixth, they dumped me (that is those who had the courage to inform me in person).
The sickly feeling…
Post official splits on all occasions, came the perennial sickly feeling that any honest man can relate to. To start with you can’t think of anything but her. Time seems like it is standing still, as all you want is to be back with her. It’s like no other woman in the world exists. You don’t feel like eating or going out with your mates. Sleeping can be a problem. On occasions, you even try to put yourself in the locations she may be found (yes, effectively stalking her!), in hope she has a change of thought if seeing you in the flesh. The thought of her with a new boyfriend makes you feel like fainting, or even crying. The vision of her having sex with another man makes you feel sick, and almost to the point of not holding ambitions to be alive, such is the pain of this thought.
The inevitable – finding out she has a new boyfriend – will always find it’s way to your confirmation. I can guarantee any man that a high percentage (I’d estimate this being above 60%) of women already have their next potential boyfriend lined up before she dumps you. As most women need the validation of being known as a “girlfriend”, they will still stay in an unhappy existence until they have a near guarantee that another man will be picking her up the following week.
When you do find out, you blame yourself rather than her. You ask all the questions to what you could have done better, but in reality the good (or “nice”) things you did played a big part in driving her away. It’s kind of ironic that you look for the bad things in yourself, yet it was the good things that cost you. The facts of the matter are that you most likely couldn’t have done much more to salvage the relationship. Over time, a man with experience and perspective just accepts that women are complex creatures, and the illogical in turn forms the logic.
How to know if you’re over her…
There is one simple way to know whether you are over a woman or not. This can even apply to a woman you were perhaps pursuing (but who had stolen your heart, or at least penis thoughts!), yet never made it to even the dating phase. Simply put, it is all down to how you feel when you are aware another man is nailing her.
In essence, if the thought of her having sex with this man gives you all the negative feelings as described further up, yet compounded further with this knowledge, the long and the short of it is you are not even close to being over her. On the other hand, you know you are fully over a woman when she could practically be having naked passion with a man in front of your own two eyes, yet she is as good as invisible to you. Sometimes you may even be pleased about this, such is the fear in your mind that you think she may try and rekindle with you after you want nothing to do with her – whether as a relationship or even for sex.
Naturally, you need to be in the latter thought process to move on and enjoy your life once more. It is easier said than done, especially as a young man with limited experience in female emotional psychology, but there are ways that assist moving towards this extreme, as opposed to the other extreme when your mouth is completely dry in despair. I list a few:
· Find a new girlfriend (or a short-term fling) who sexually arouses you as much, if not more, than her. Even if she isn’t girlfriend material, the sheer energy and time distraction in sleeping with the new girl will hugely contribute to a less achy heart.
· Find a new girlfriend who comes as close to matching your past partner’s desirables in as many metrics as possible. Once this has been accomplished, there should be very little reason in looking back.
· Convince yourself that any relationship that ends couldn’t have been that great in the first place. No good relationship ends just for the sake of it (excluding if the split is based on logistics/distance reasons).
· Remind yourself of all her negative aspects. Did she lie, manipulate, disappear, play mind games, or act like a bitch too often for your liking, and for no given reason? Did she smoke, or have a nasty smell in certain places? Did she never pay for anything, and took advantage of your expenditure and endeavours? Not one woman is perfect, far from it, and every woman is replaceable and interchangeable.
· Realize, that as unbelievable a feeling it is when a man and a woman are happy together, that this pinnacle happiness phase holds a shelf life. Often this expiry date lasts no longer than a tin of tomatoes.
· Understand, as harsh as this is, that women’s physical beauty is short lived. For every girlfriend you split up with, it is an opportunity to find someone younger and with more prime years ahead. And so on, and so forth.
A final thought
Take it from me, as a man who has never been married or had kids, not one woman leaves me with a memory as the one that got away. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a couple of girlfriends who were as loyal and amiable as feasibility allows, but they’d be older now and I wouldn’t have been able to experience what I have with many other (albeit not as good girlfriend material) women.
This isn’t to say all men should follow this path. I never intended for this path to happen to me, and in the end I only look at this path as God’s destiny to what was best for both me, and them. If you do honestly believe you find a woman who gives you happiness that cannot be imagined or matched, I would always say to any man that she is worth keeping and committing to. The purpose of this post isn’t about abstaining from commitment. The purpose of this post is explaining how to get over a woman who treated you badly, or a woman who is currently treating you like toilet paper. And it will happen, I can assure you of that.
Any heart can be mended. It just doesn’t seem that way at the time.
Hi Vi Nay, how are you?ReplyDelete
This post is really made with the heart. For me, it's the best article you have wrote.
And you says the truth when you write that every woman will lose her beauty. And as men, we are attracted from beauty and personality in a woman.
And for every woman who treat us bad, there is another young and more beautiful woman who can treat us better.
It's a really good advice, Vi Nay!
Keep posting such very good articles, mate.
Hi mate, hope you're well?Delete
Glad you enjoyed this post.
What is your take on dating a women that had a sexual relationship with a close male friend. Would you ever do it ? Is there any red flags ?
I'll write dedicated post on this mate in the next few days, as this isn't a topic that has been covered in this blog as yet.Delete
Just posted itDelete
I love your posts that have more to do with mindset. In theory I’ve had this outlook for some time, but I don’t have your relationship experience to have internalized it to that degree. While I know what to do, I need to experience the disappointment more to be as indifferent as I aspire to be.ReplyDelete
I recently had a situation with this girl where I decided to approach and got rejected. This is a girl who I’m 100% has been crushing on me for a while. You know if you’re on the extreme high end of male attractiveness there is one thing you become adept at--spotting signs of interest and general body language cues. When one sees it everywhere, it is second nature to recognize. With this girl, I decide to talk to her. She’s extremely flustered and frozen. I do try to make her more comfortable, but it’s challenging. She rejects anything further with me, which is fine and I state i’ll see her around. I come to find out a while later that she has started hooking up with this guy (he’s short, average looking facially, but a nice physique). I know the guy on a surface-level basis and he’s cool imo. I like talking to him. What is interesting though is she never gave me a chance to evaluate my personality? It’s not as if I was rejected for being bland, rude, pushy, or any other negative quality a woman could state to detract from my character. No, I was rejected at the outset, as I’m used to. I know that i’m hilarious, interesting, I’m objectively financially successful, and of sound character as I’ve never cheated or broken a commitment like that. My looks are merely what they are.
What bothered me after this is not what she did? I expected it, but it bothered me that I was disrupted by it. I spent the night after finding out about them thinking…”Really!? This again?” I was also asking myself the question “How am I supposed to raise my standards when there are barely any women hotter than her and this is who she goes for?” I don’t even meet or have access to women like that. I was disappointed in myself for thinking I’d get the same chance and that women didn’t act the way they do. But they have consistently acted this way. I know I need to experience this rejection more to become as hardened to it, but I’m happy to say that this time I got over the prospect of her within a day or two. That’s a victory for me, and I know i’ll only get better with time.
Hi mate, hope you are well?Delete
I'm happy to hear this post in particular was beneficial to you.
I'm afraid you are just finding your path in the illogical senses of how women decide which men they go for. It's no bad reflection on you, and see it (as I think you do now) as their insecurities/egos that enforce them to go for objectively less sought after men than you.
Over time you will pick up on which women are more likely to be receptive and acceptive to your advances, and which will not. Body language is the best giveaway, although by no means a 100% fail proof. The other unfortunate part is that you will find a lot of women who are receptive and acceptive (and sometimes even proactive) are lesser looking women. They aren't necessarily unattractive, just more brave and not petrified by rejection/inferiority in comparison to their hotter female counterparts.
The good part is that this time you took less than a couple of days to get over the prospect. That in itself proves you are starting to form the water off a duck's back mentality that will source you well moving forwards.
Absolutely. I do have some experience, but I know from reading I haven't approached as much as you have over the years since I was in a longer term relationship. I simply need more real-world reinforcement of what I know, rather than theory.Delete
"Over time you will pick up on which women are more likely to be receptive and acceptive to your advances, and which will not. Body language is the best giveaway, although by no means a 100% fail proof."
^What you say here is accurate, and I didn't touch on that. You can tell the subtlety often in the type of body language. Girls who are more avoidant and almost afraid to look at you typically give you the most trouble. Like I said with this girl, I knew she was interested from the vast array of signs and especially from her friend urging her on. But those signs also had hints of hostility, that occasional scrunched up expression like she was sometimes disgusted by the thought of me, and all of those other subtleties I know you're aware of.
I remember one stunning blonde girl who was quite a bit hotter than the aforementioned one. I regretted not approaching her because she gave me more welcoming smiles and longer stares, despite her nervousness. I was in an awful place taking care of my dad who was sick and my mind was elsewhere, but had I approached her my guess is it would have gone much better than this. I suppose the trouble with that is I haven't seen a girl that attractive in a couple years, so it is what it is. Nothing is ever certain, but there are more nuances in body language that can indicate how she will respond to an approach. I'm keeping at it. Thanks again, man! :D
1) Awkward but cheeky smilesDelete
2) Deliberate and frequent proximity alerts (this can also come from women who do not look very approachable, although sometimes they are just baiting you for validation and approval of their importance)
3) Genuine smiles towards you
4) A look of awe towards you that is in amiable manner (granted, sometimes they will crumble in silence when you approach, but at least they won't be hostile)
The above 4 scenarios are the most likely women who actually want to pursue with you, and are not just attracted to you but wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.